I did a wedding last evening that really inspired me to encourage my couples to write their own vows. These were young, shy people, who wrote absolutely gorgeously of their love for one another. In my letter back to them today (I send my couples a keepsake of their ceremony script), I told them how we the listeners, those of us witnessing their wedding, longed to hear authentic love spoken and articulated. I even said: "We're hungry for it."
So those of you out there who are shy about your writing ability, I say: Yes, you can do it. Be authentic and it will melt your lover's heart and lift your guests to the ceiling. I'm still flying.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Vows with a punch
I have performed perhaps my sixtieth wedding a few hours ago, but this time I witnessed the saying of vows with more punch, more uninhibited respect than I've ever heard said anywhere. Shannon and Russ are a couple who call themselves soul-mates. I've heard this before from a few other couples, but there are elements of this couple's story that speaks to a destiny that may have originated in a past life (or two).
These two were robust in their vows, direct, excited and committed from the bottom of their feet to the tops of their heads to make the meaning come through and let the world know this is for them as real as real will ever get. I have a theatre background and I've played the role of Juliet and seen the Shakespearean play many times. I've always heard the famous words resound with a piercing force only Shakespeare could give young lovers: "It is the east and Juliet is the sun!"
Shannon and Russ are hardly children (like the young teens in Romeo and Juliet) and they've been together four years already. But their passion for the vows was unlike any I've heard. For these two were not afraid to speak from the deepest corners of their souls and to let the world quake with the energy of their inner life. Both of them crying and deeply moved by the import of their moment, they pushed past their quavering nerves and free-flowing tears and made the vows memorable. What an extraordinary privilege to witness their marriage.
These two were robust in their vows, direct, excited and committed from the bottom of their feet to the tops of their heads to make the meaning come through and let the world know this is for them as real as real will ever get. I have a theatre background and I've played the role of Juliet and seen the Shakespearean play many times. I've always heard the famous words resound with a piercing force only Shakespeare could give young lovers: "It is the east and Juliet is the sun!"
Shannon and Russ are hardly children (like the young teens in Romeo and Juliet) and they've been together four years already. But their passion for the vows was unlike any I've heard. For these two were not afraid to speak from the deepest corners of their souls and to let the world quake with the energy of their inner life. Both of them crying and deeply moved by the import of their moment, they pushed past their quavering nerves and free-flowing tears and made the vows memorable. What an extraordinary privilege to witness their marriage.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Notes from The Celebrant Foundation
Say “I Do” To A Personalized Wedding Ceremony
Your wedding day is one of the most personal and cherished days of your life. Your wedding ceremony itself should be just as personal. Every aspect of it, from readings to music to symbolism, should be a reflection of you, your betrothed, and the bond that you share.
“To make this day truly your own, rejoice in everything that makes your union unique,” says Charlotte Eulette, National Director, Celebrant USA Foundation. “Express yourself among family and friends through a personalized ceremony.”
Here are several ways from the Celebrant USA Foundation to make your ceremony unique to you:
Tell your personal story: Share the story of how you met and why you fell in love. What were the first words you said to each other? Where was your first date? How did the proposal happen? What actions of the other say I love you? What does your partner do that always makes you laugh? Your Celebrant can include these words in the introduction or elsewhere in the ceremony.
Interview your family and friends: Include their anecdotes, wishes and advice in the body of the ceremony.
Honor the Presenter: If one or both of you will be presented in marriage, take this time to reflect on what this relationship means to you. Have your Celebrant include words of homage, amusing stories, and thanks.
Beyond “Here Comes the Bride”: If the traditional wedding music doesn’t appeal to you, include songs or music that have created the soundtrack to your relationship.
Celebrate Your Heritage: Make a list of your respective ethnic, cultural or religious backgrounds. Research wedding rituals, poets and music from these traditions and create a distinctive blend of words and symbols. Honor both your backgrounds and the ceremony will reflect your unique partnership.
Something New: Borrow freely from the rich wedding customs around the world. You don’t need to belong to a particular culture or religion for its rituals to have meaning. Such rituals have been performed for hundreds or thousands of years because they resonate with universal truths about marriage.
The Celebrant USA Foundation is a non-profit educational institution dedicated to helping families personalize celebrations that mark life’s milestones. Founded thirty years ago in Australia, Celebrants have performed over one million weddings worldwide.
Celebrants officiate at virtually every life event, including weddings and commitments, funerals and memorials, and baby namings and adoptions. With a focus on personalizing each ceremony to reflect the needs, beliefs and values of the couple or family, Celebrants are trained in the art of celebration, symbolism and tradition. For more information about the Celebrant Foundation or to locate a Celebrant near you, visit us at www.celebrantusa.com
Celebrant USA Foundation & Institute 93 Valley Rd Montclair, NJ 07042 973.746.1792
Your wedding day is one of the most personal and cherished days of your life. Your wedding ceremony itself should be just as personal. Every aspect of it, from readings to music to symbolism, should be a reflection of you, your betrothed, and the bond that you share.
“To make this day truly your own, rejoice in everything that makes your union unique,” says Charlotte Eulette, National Director, Celebrant USA Foundation. “Express yourself among family and friends through a personalized ceremony.”
Here are several ways from the Celebrant USA Foundation to make your ceremony unique to you:
Tell your personal story: Share the story of how you met and why you fell in love. What were the first words you said to each other? Where was your first date? How did the proposal happen? What actions of the other say I love you? What does your partner do that always makes you laugh? Your Celebrant can include these words in the introduction or elsewhere in the ceremony.
Interview your family and friends: Include their anecdotes, wishes and advice in the body of the ceremony.
Honor the Presenter: If one or both of you will be presented in marriage, take this time to reflect on what this relationship means to you. Have your Celebrant include words of homage, amusing stories, and thanks.
Beyond “Here Comes the Bride”: If the traditional wedding music doesn’t appeal to you, include songs or music that have created the soundtrack to your relationship.
Celebrate Your Heritage: Make a list of your respective ethnic, cultural or religious backgrounds. Research wedding rituals, poets and music from these traditions and create a distinctive blend of words and symbols. Honor both your backgrounds and the ceremony will reflect your unique partnership.
Something New: Borrow freely from the rich wedding customs around the world. You don’t need to belong to a particular culture or religion for its rituals to have meaning. Such rituals have been performed for hundreds or thousands of years because they resonate with universal truths about marriage.
The Celebrant USA Foundation is a non-profit educational institution dedicated to helping families personalize celebrations that mark life’s milestones. Founded thirty years ago in Australia, Celebrants have performed over one million weddings worldwide.
Celebrants officiate at virtually every life event, including weddings and commitments, funerals and memorials, and baby namings and adoptions. With a focus on personalizing each ceremony to reflect the needs, beliefs and values of the couple or family, Celebrants are trained in the art of celebration, symbolism and tradition. For more information about the Celebrant Foundation or to locate a Celebrant near you, visit us at www.celebrantusa.com
Celebrant USA Foundation & Institute 93 Valley Rd Montclair, NJ 07042 973.746.1792
Monday, August 11, 2008
Kill the Runner
OK, I've finally had it. Runners are OUT! I haven't seen one really successful runner happen in any wedding in the past dozen or more. Why?
Let's start with the obvious: in the outdoors weddings there is usually uneven ground and runners can slip much more easily than stay in place. And a runner that slips is a hazard to the bride. And NO ONE has the right to put the bride in such a condition on her one and only wedding day!!
They even slip in chapels. The one successful runner happened this summer when it was rolled out BEFORE even the guests were seated and then the whiteness was marred because they all got their footprints on it! But, because it was rolled out and anchored into place before the ceremony when there was time to get it correctly placed, it worked!! The royal pastiche of daintiness to have the "queenly dainty foot" step on nothing but pure white linen is a habit we should dispose of. It doesn't work.
Let's start with the obvious: in the outdoors weddings there is usually uneven ground and runners can slip much more easily than stay in place. And a runner that slips is a hazard to the bride. And NO ONE has the right to put the bride in such a condition on her one and only wedding day!!
They even slip in chapels. The one successful runner happened this summer when it was rolled out BEFORE even the guests were seated and then the whiteness was marred because they all got their footprints on it! But, because it was rolled out and anchored into place before the ceremony when there was time to get it correctly placed, it worked!! The royal pastiche of daintiness to have the "queenly dainty foot" step on nothing but pure white linen is a habit we should dispose of. It doesn't work.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Cancelled Wedding
I recently heard from a bride whose wedding was scheduled for the early fall. I was to be their officiant and she notified me the wedding has been cancelled. The young woman apologized and said very little else, but I was moved to respond. I remember her as lovely (as was the groom-to-be). They looked like they were made to be together, a picture perfect look of compatibility.
I emailed back how I wished her well and let her know how brave and wise she is to take this action now. I know many who have known they shouldn't marry months ahead or weeks ahead, but went ahead anyway. All are divorced today. She and he must be in extraordinary pain, the kind we feel when we somehow assume we've let everyone down.
Weddings are for ourselves and for others. But marriage is not for others. The family and friends don't go home with us to our households, to our kitchens and bedrooms, to our bank accounts and our dreams and our longings and our anger, sadness, and deepest longings for true intimacy. We only know the truth of what we feel can work well very deeply inside us and we must feel that strongly in the midst of being tested. And the weeks and months leading up to a wedding are a test in itself.
So this sadness, this loss, this disappointment will pass. These two will be better off and they deserve the best their courage can provide them.
I emailed back how I wished her well and let her know how brave and wise she is to take this action now. I know many who have known they shouldn't marry months ahead or weeks ahead, but went ahead anyway. All are divorced today. She and he must be in extraordinary pain, the kind we feel when we somehow assume we've let everyone down.
Weddings are for ourselves and for others. But marriage is not for others. The family and friends don't go home with us to our households, to our kitchens and bedrooms, to our bank accounts and our dreams and our longings and our anger, sadness, and deepest longings for true intimacy. We only know the truth of what we feel can work well very deeply inside us and we must feel that strongly in the midst of being tested. And the weeks and months leading up to a wedding are a test in itself.
So this sadness, this loss, this disappointment will pass. These two will be better off and they deserve the best their courage can provide them.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
July, Oh July
No excuses for not writing. Well, the wedding season is busy this year, but that's no excuse for shying away from my thousands of readers!!
I've had some interesting weddings recently and I must say summer is beginning to look less and less than ideal for outdoor ceremonies, especially in July. It used to be that I always asked for a really good back up plan against potential rain, and any good venue had it ready to go. But two weddings I did recently had to go indoors for humidity and sun, but no rain.
Now it's silly to discourage people from planning summer weddings, especially in the Northeast. Unlike Phoenix and Sarasota, we can't do outdoor weddings (comfortably) in February. But humidity and oppressive heat are part of the picture that must be considered. I suppose it comes down to how we hold this short twenty minute ceremony in priority. Make no mistake, for me those twenty minutes are everything! It's not a formality to endure on your way to the cocktail party. It's the actual words and actions that set your life on a course forever (we intend it that way, anyway).
I believe in comfort for the guests and since the 1950s when we had "air cooled" movie theatres, air conditioning in July is a God send. September and October weddings in the greater Boston area are very popular, so book it now for 2009 and keep it autumnal for comfort's sake.
I've had some interesting weddings recently and I must say summer is beginning to look less and less than ideal for outdoor ceremonies, especially in July. It used to be that I always asked for a really good back up plan against potential rain, and any good venue had it ready to go. But two weddings I did recently had to go indoors for humidity and sun, but no rain.
Now it's silly to discourage people from planning summer weddings, especially in the Northeast. Unlike Phoenix and Sarasota, we can't do outdoor weddings (comfortably) in February. But humidity and oppressive heat are part of the picture that must be considered. I suppose it comes down to how we hold this short twenty minute ceremony in priority. Make no mistake, for me those twenty minutes are everything! It's not a formality to endure on your way to the cocktail party. It's the actual words and actions that set your life on a course forever (we intend it that way, anyway).
I believe in comfort for the guests and since the 1950s when we had "air cooled" movie theatres, air conditioning in July is a God send. September and October weddings in the greater Boston area are very popular, so book it now for 2009 and keep it autumnal for comfort's sake.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I Don't Need Your Money
As a career advisor, I hesitate coaching anyone into a maverick posture when they have a job offer at 20-40% less than their last paycheck, but they have the clock ticking against the three months severance from their last job and their mortgage and their child's college tuition payments are on the horizon for several more years.
BUT... It's OK to think that "I don't need this; I don't need to settle; I can keep going until I'm in a financial squeeze that compels me to take that much less".
The same is true for consulting fees. This happens when potential clients attempt to nickel and dime you. In my wedding celebrant business, I get calls from people who have seen my website and tell me they've read the range of fees for my services. On the website, I do not outline point for point where the charges break down, but if I start at the low of 250, it's strange to hear a groom tell me he's having a wedding with 100 guests at the most expensive hotel in this city and he wants to pay me no more than 150! There is nothing wrong with shopping price, but there's an image issue and a values issue here---this groom would not ask his hotel caterers to serve jello mold for dessert or ask his photographer to use discount disposables, to cut costs. It's just NOT DONE. He knows this.
I don't need his money, even though I had that weekend open this summer. At the same time, there are others who engage my services for 150. Who are they? These are people like a couple I married in May, who came to my house and in my meditation room said their vows. I gave them a keepsake copy of the standard script, took pictures for them, had fresh flowers at the front door and found small tokens to decorate the ceremony room to reflect their Latino nationality. My services were their biggest expense.
It all comes down to this: none of us needs anyone else's money, whether we're in plenty or in want. We need to earn a living and money shows up when we contribute to the greater good. So remember this, not as a defensive posture, but as an empowerment and a sign of inherent trust.
BUT... It's OK to think that "I don't need this; I don't need to settle; I can keep going until I'm in a financial squeeze that compels me to take that much less".
The same is true for consulting fees. This happens when potential clients attempt to nickel and dime you. In my wedding celebrant business, I get calls from people who have seen my website and tell me they've read the range of fees for my services. On the website, I do not outline point for point where the charges break down, but if I start at the low of 250, it's strange to hear a groom tell me he's having a wedding with 100 guests at the most expensive hotel in this city and he wants to pay me no more than 150! There is nothing wrong with shopping price, but there's an image issue and a values issue here---this groom would not ask his hotel caterers to serve jello mold for dessert or ask his photographer to use discount disposables, to cut costs. It's just NOT DONE. He knows this.
I don't need his money, even though I had that weekend open this summer. At the same time, there are others who engage my services for 150. Who are they? These are people like a couple I married in May, who came to my house and in my meditation room said their vows. I gave them a keepsake copy of the standard script, took pictures for them, had fresh flowers at the front door and found small tokens to decorate the ceremony room to reflect their Latino nationality. My services were their biggest expense.
It all comes down to this: none of us needs anyone else's money, whether we're in plenty or in want. We need to earn a living and money shows up when we contribute to the greater good. So remember this, not as a defensive posture, but as an empowerment and a sign of inherent trust.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Green weddings: going organic
There are occasionally organic wedding ceremonies and I witnessed (officiated) one last Saturday evening. What makes a wedding organic? It springs from the natural, and a park wedding, rain or shine is natural, especially when the temp reaches 94 degrees at 5 PM.
This wedding was originally designed to be just the bride and groom and yours truly. The photographer would snap pictures and the couple would have a party in the Fall and show the photos and tell their friends what the day was like. But something Pied Piper happened on the way to the nuptials.
And we ended up with thirty guests, including the bride's father flying in from North Carolina, and her grandmother driving in with other family from fifty miles south of the city. So as we waited for the couple to arrive from opposite ends of the park, we formed an honor guard. And then someone said the two gorgeous teenage sisters (nieces of the bride) could sing a Josh Groban song a Capella in harmony, well....you get the picture?
This was an organic wedding, the ultimate in GREEN. The grand tree facing the swan pond was decorated with battery operated votive candles (you can't bring fire into the park); we had no chairs but formed a semi-circle around the pair; by default we opened the guest list to twenty or more passersby.
We were lucky in many ways. The girls ability to sing was just the stroke of musicality that added a refinement that I would not have imagined we could add at the last minute. But there it was. Green weddings at this level are not for everyone. As hot as we were, we could easily have been chilled out and hovering beneath umbrellas. But that's how the real green weddings work. We were all there for the words, the commitment and the joy of the outdoors and all its possibilities.
This wedding was originally designed to be just the bride and groom and yours truly. The photographer would snap pictures and the couple would have a party in the Fall and show the photos and tell their friends what the day was like. But something Pied Piper happened on the way to the nuptials.
And we ended up with thirty guests, including the bride's father flying in from North Carolina, and her grandmother driving in with other family from fifty miles south of the city. So as we waited for the couple to arrive from opposite ends of the park, we formed an honor guard. And then someone said the two gorgeous teenage sisters (nieces of the bride) could sing a Josh Groban song a Capella in harmony, well....you get the picture?
This was an organic wedding, the ultimate in GREEN. The grand tree facing the swan pond was decorated with battery operated votive candles (you can't bring fire into the park); we had no chairs but formed a semi-circle around the pair; by default we opened the guest list to twenty or more passersby.
We were lucky in many ways. The girls ability to sing was just the stroke of musicality that added a refinement that I would not have imagined we could add at the last minute. But there it was. Green weddings at this level are not for everyone. As hot as we were, we could easily have been chilled out and hovering beneath umbrellas. But that's how the real green weddings work. We were all there for the words, the commitment and the joy of the outdoors and all its possibilities.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Wow. It's June
I have been remiss in my posting here; it's been several weeks since I've given myself the time to write. So what's new?
I have turned a corner in developing wedding ceremonies. Through the amazing trust and courage of several recent couples, I have written and will soon deliver their love stories without their having seen and approved the script copy before they hear my rendering for the first time.
Some of you don't know that in my officiating ceremonies, I introduce the couple and begin the ceremony unofficially by telling the gathered guests the story of this couple and how they came to be standing in our midst ready to commit to a lifelong union. Up until a few weeks ago, I wrote the ceremony and sent it back to the couple to read and approve. After all, they should hear what their guests will hear. But recently several couples have said that they wanted their beloved other's thoughts about them told to them as a surprise. And having done this once two weeks ago, I can see that it has an amazing depth of intimacy I never could have guessed.
This new trust has opened up a richer way of writing, a bolder level of speaking. The wedding ceremonies I now write get much closer to the poetry that exists within the hearts and minds of the individual people whose story I'm telling. Couples who use my services are required to answer a series of questions about themselves and each other and if they let themselves answer fully and honestly, they usually say the most exquisite things well worth telling just the way they wrote those words.
Thank you for your trust. It is my pleasure and privilege.
I have turned a corner in developing wedding ceremonies. Through the amazing trust and courage of several recent couples, I have written and will soon deliver their love stories without their having seen and approved the script copy before they hear my rendering for the first time.
Some of you don't know that in my officiating ceremonies, I introduce the couple and begin the ceremony unofficially by telling the gathered guests the story of this couple and how they came to be standing in our midst ready to commit to a lifelong union. Up until a few weeks ago, I wrote the ceremony and sent it back to the couple to read and approve. After all, they should hear what their guests will hear. But recently several couples have said that they wanted their beloved other's thoughts about them told to them as a surprise. And having done this once two weeks ago, I can see that it has an amazing depth of intimacy I never could have guessed.
This new trust has opened up a richer way of writing, a bolder level of speaking. The wedding ceremonies I now write get much closer to the poetry that exists within the hearts and minds of the individual people whose story I'm telling. Couples who use my services are required to answer a series of questions about themselves and each other and if they let themselves answer fully and honestly, they usually say the most exquisite things well worth telling just the way they wrote those words.
Thank you for your trust. It is my pleasure and privilege.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Fear of flying
Yes. That's what it means to plan a wedding.
Most brides do their own planning and organizing and many do it without the help of a dedicated mother or sister. Some whom I meet have an amazing self-assurance, as if they have known what they want, including many of the details, for years before they became engaged.
Others are in a free fall (I was many years ago). They summon up the courage to make decisions in the face of uncertainty and they do a fine job, in spite of the temporary fear. When I ask couples what is their vision for their ceremony, they often draw a blank. The second question--what is it you don't want?---is much easier to answer. A vision sounds too big to articulate. Deciding on favors and food is discreet and direct: it tastes good or it doesn't; it looks good on a table or it doesn't.
There's one thing that planning a wedding without having had experience will teach you. If you think you have no direct road map for this extraordinary and once-in-a-lifetime event, just wait till you have your first baby. Then you're flying!!
Most brides do their own planning and organizing and many do it without the help of a dedicated mother or sister. Some whom I meet have an amazing self-assurance, as if they have known what they want, including many of the details, for years before they became engaged.
Others are in a free fall (I was many years ago). They summon up the courage to make decisions in the face of uncertainty and they do a fine job, in spite of the temporary fear. When I ask couples what is their vision for their ceremony, they often draw a blank. The second question--what is it you don't want?---is much easier to answer. A vision sounds too big to articulate. Deciding on favors and food is discreet and direct: it tastes good or it doesn't; it looks good on a table or it doesn't.
There's one thing that planning a wedding without having had experience will teach you. If you think you have no direct road map for this extraordinary and once-in-a-lifetime event, just wait till you have your first baby. Then you're flying!!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Fun During Your Ceremony
Everyone has a definition of fun, and while everyone likes to laugh, some of us push the edges of fun beyond the comfort level of others. I have never been pushed into un-fun fun. As a nondenominational wedding officiant, I have an open point of view for brides and grooms who want a "light-hearted" ceremony. The hallmark of my scripted weddings is the love story, custom written and delivered at the top of the twenty-minute time frame. I often find the funny things a couple tells me and poke fun at the foibles of falling in love.
Every wedding season, among the two dozen ceremonies I perform, I find a couple or two who are die-hard Red Sox fans and want to include a theme around their beloved team. I was interviewed for a wedding three years ago for a couple who wanted to have the game playing in the background on an over sized flat screen TV. They didn't hire me and I'm glad. Another couple last year called last minute as they were trying to secure Fenway Park for an 11 AM pre-grame wedding, but they couldn't get the permit. They didn't hire me and I was disappointed.
What is there about the Red Sox that inspires so many otherwise sane people to include them in their wedding ceremonies? For me it's this: when life is getting me down, I tune in to NECN and cheer for my "boys". It takes my attention away from whatever is grabbing me and throws my energy into the roar of the crowd and the skill of the players. I think there is a parallel to being in love: it's not easy to maintain a loving relationship (falling in love is not so hard). Belonging to Red Sox Nation is a tribal identity, one that takes you both to the same place: enthusiasm, reconciliation, and alignment. I have always marveled at couples who support the Yankees and Red Sox. These are people who know how to compromise!
Every wedding season, among the two dozen ceremonies I perform, I find a couple or two who are die-hard Red Sox fans and want to include a theme around their beloved team. I was interviewed for a wedding three years ago for a couple who wanted to have the game playing in the background on an over sized flat screen TV. They didn't hire me and I'm glad. Another couple last year called last minute as they were trying to secure Fenway Park for an 11 AM pre-grame wedding, but they couldn't get the permit. They didn't hire me and I was disappointed.
What is there about the Red Sox that inspires so many otherwise sane people to include them in their wedding ceremonies? For me it's this: when life is getting me down, I tune in to NECN and cheer for my "boys". It takes my attention away from whatever is grabbing me and throws my energy into the roar of the crowd and the skill of the players. I think there is a parallel to being in love: it's not easy to maintain a loving relationship (falling in love is not so hard). Belonging to Red Sox Nation is a tribal identity, one that takes you both to the same place: enthusiasm, reconciliation, and alignment. I have always marveled at couples who support the Yankees and Red Sox. These are people who know how to compromise!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Outdoor weddings and rain
I posted on this before, but it's worth a second look. About a year ago, I officiated a wedding in Cape Cod, set in a country club with magnificent ocean views. We all arrived the day before and rehearsed about 24 hours ahead of the scheduled event. The rehearsal evening was cool and grey and the forecast for Saturday was ambiguous: maybe a sprinkle but cloudy and grey and no warmer than 52-54 degrees. The bride decided right then and there: rehearse indoors and close the option for the outdoors, short of a miracle.
The next day, it was 52 degrees, misty and grey and the wedding indoors was exquisite.
Why do I tell you this? For those of you planning park weddings out in the open air, separate from your reception (not on the same grounds where you can conveniently move your wedding indoors within one hundred feet), allow yourself to call the shots on the rehearsal day, rather than make last minute decisions on the wedding day itself, without a careful rehearsal for the reception room. Some months later, I officiated another ceremony planned for a lovely park view. The rehearsal day scenario was exactly the same as the Cape Cod wedding, but the bride could not be convinced to move the rehearsal to the reception area. The wedding day weather was too cool and wet and the venue was changed to the reception hall some four miles away, and three hours before the wedding.
The bride was so disappointed, she could not relax enough to follow rather simple instructions on how to adjust to the ceremony in the hall. The heart of the ceremony was still intimate, with all the right things happening after we got past the processional, but why sacrifice any part of a necessarily well-choreographed event, one requiring precision, especially when not performed in a church?
If the weather report is even bordering on bad for the wedding day, do the rehearsal in the alternative venue. Every bride deserves to be at peace and relaxed on her wedding day. Disappointment should not an option.
The next day, it was 52 degrees, misty and grey and the wedding indoors was exquisite.
Why do I tell you this? For those of you planning park weddings out in the open air, separate from your reception (not on the same grounds where you can conveniently move your wedding indoors within one hundred feet), allow yourself to call the shots on the rehearsal day, rather than make last minute decisions on the wedding day itself, without a careful rehearsal for the reception room. Some months later, I officiated another ceremony planned for a lovely park view. The rehearsal day scenario was exactly the same as the Cape Cod wedding, but the bride could not be convinced to move the rehearsal to the reception area. The wedding day weather was too cool and wet and the venue was changed to the reception hall some four miles away, and three hours before the wedding.
The bride was so disappointed, she could not relax enough to follow rather simple instructions on how to adjust to the ceremony in the hall. The heart of the ceremony was still intimate, with all the right things happening after we got past the processional, but why sacrifice any part of a necessarily well-choreographed event, one requiring precision, especially when not performed in a church?
If the weather report is even bordering on bad for the wedding day, do the rehearsal in the alternative venue. Every bride deserves to be at peace and relaxed on her wedding day. Disappointment should not an option.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wedding movies and bridal attendants
Yes, there have been a few truly fine "wedding-themed" movies made in the past five years---Monsoon Wedding the one that comes to mind as exceptional. However, there are several this year that are worthy of a Friday, the 13th laugh.
Coming out in early May is one called Made of Honor. It's a man this time who gets the esteemed wedding role, only he is also a disappointed suitor who uses this opportunity to disrupt and destroy the nuptials and the future of this couple, in order to win the girl for himself. The trailer has some funny moments, but why bother with such a plot at all?
It comes down of course to what sells. If movies mostly pander to a young market, everyone sooner or later marries someone or wants to, and the pursuit of an ideal love interest will always draw attention, why not use weddings as the backdrop for all the drama?
Having a man as Maid of Honor is actually not so unusual. I have done a few weddings where the groom has women on his attendants' side and the bride has a man or two among her attendants. This is often a cherished sister or brother. It does blow the old-fashioned photo op of a long string of same clad women and a balanced string of penguin dressed men encircling the couple in the rose garden of a nearby park at sunset, but it does show a strong will to break with tradition and have the wedding party that pleases you. If that's what you want, the photographer can figure out how to pose the picture. No problem. the wedding guests surely don't care.
Just check that the guy you have standing next to you doesn't plan to murder your beloved groom.
Coming out in early May is one called Made of Honor. It's a man this time who gets the esteemed wedding role, only he is also a disappointed suitor who uses this opportunity to disrupt and destroy the nuptials and the future of this couple, in order to win the girl for himself. The trailer has some funny moments, but why bother with such a plot at all?
It comes down of course to what sells. If movies mostly pander to a young market, everyone sooner or later marries someone or wants to, and the pursuit of an ideal love interest will always draw attention, why not use weddings as the backdrop for all the drama?
Having a man as Maid of Honor is actually not so unusual. I have done a few weddings where the groom has women on his attendants' side and the bride has a man or two among her attendants. This is often a cherished sister or brother. It does blow the old-fashioned photo op of a long string of same clad women and a balanced string of penguin dressed men encircling the couple in the rose garden of a nearby park at sunset, but it does show a strong will to break with tradition and have the wedding party that pleases you. If that's what you want, the photographer can figure out how to pose the picture. No problem. the wedding guests surely don't care.
Just check that the guy you have standing next to you doesn't plan to murder your beloved groom.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Checking In
It's been too long since I've posted here, and I apologize. I have two other blogs and they have had more attention lately.
I woke up this morning thinking about the still undeclared "recession" we're in and wondered how it's affecting the wedding industry. Since I don't follow those statistics, mostly because my role in the industry is as outsider, I can only guess where couples might be cutting back.
What's the biggest expense? Food and beverage for 150 guests is a good place to start. I remember my sister's wedding in 1959. Back in those days, most weddings were in the late morning in churches or synagogues and receptions were some hours later (often in the evening). We were very middle class, and that group did not go to hotels with sit down dinners; we went to American Legion halls or Knights of Columbus halls and had table spreads of chicken, roast beef and spaghetti. People lined up with a paper plate to serve themselves from a chafing dish.
I remembered a wedding I officiated last November where the bride told me almost apologetically that she would have food "stations" and her guests could help themselves. As it turned out, this was quite well-executed. Since each food station was in a separate corner of the reception room and each corner featured special food groups, there were no long lines anywhere. I was on a diet, so I loved serving myself excellent salad and a dollop of shrimp.
So if you're looking at cost cutting, I'm sure this was a bargain compared to waiter served plates. And weddings are a once in a lifetime expense. Cut back on other things.
I woke up this morning thinking about the still undeclared "recession" we're in and wondered how it's affecting the wedding industry. Since I don't follow those statistics, mostly because my role in the industry is as outsider, I can only guess where couples might be cutting back.
What's the biggest expense? Food and beverage for 150 guests is a good place to start. I remember my sister's wedding in 1959. Back in those days, most weddings were in the late morning in churches or synagogues and receptions were some hours later (often in the evening). We were very middle class, and that group did not go to hotels with sit down dinners; we went to American Legion halls or Knights of Columbus halls and had table spreads of chicken, roast beef and spaghetti. People lined up with a paper plate to serve themselves from a chafing dish.
I remembered a wedding I officiated last November where the bride told me almost apologetically that she would have food "stations" and her guests could help themselves. As it turned out, this was quite well-executed. Since each food station was in a separate corner of the reception room and each corner featured special food groups, there were no long lines anywhere. I was on a diet, so I loved serving myself excellent salad and a dollop of shrimp.
So if you're looking at cost cutting, I'm sure this was a bargain compared to waiter served plates. And weddings are a once in a lifetime expense. Cut back on other things.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Same Sex Marriages
I live in Massachusetts and as such I have the freedom and the privilege to officiate for two people of the same sex. Marriage equality was passed in Massachusetts, taking effect May 17, 2004.
About 20% of my wedding ceremonies are with same sex couples. Recently I was surprised when a woman called and asked me to officiate her ceremony and before we got off the phone, she asked me somewhat apologetically if I was agreeable to solemnizing her wedding to her female partner. I say surprised because of the apology. I can only assume she has encountered discrimination and wanted to protect herself from my possible rejection of her when we met to discuss her upcoming ceremony.
I frankly believe this issue will disappear in another twenty years, but meanwhile I wish today to go on record saying that homosexuality is a private matter and as such is a fully human experience, nor more deviant than, but equally valid as, heterosexual behavior.
The couples I've wed have had children together, parented adopted children together, built businesses together and contributed mightily to their communities together. They have, in short, done exactly the same as opposite sex couples. It's time to get over this as a nation. Massachusetts is a great example of how heterosexual marriages were not threatened nor were they diminished when the laws were passed and executed here in 2004. Freedom for one segment of society is not at the expense of any other segment when we look squarely at the truth. To all same sex couples looking to honor your relationship in a committed legal contract: welcome and please don't apologize.
About 20% of my wedding ceremonies are with same sex couples. Recently I was surprised when a woman called and asked me to officiate her ceremony and before we got off the phone, she asked me somewhat apologetically if I was agreeable to solemnizing her wedding to her female partner. I say surprised because of the apology. I can only assume she has encountered discrimination and wanted to protect herself from my possible rejection of her when we met to discuss her upcoming ceremony.
I frankly believe this issue will disappear in another twenty years, but meanwhile I wish today to go on record saying that homosexuality is a private matter and as such is a fully human experience, nor more deviant than, but equally valid as, heterosexual behavior.
The couples I've wed have had children together, parented adopted children together, built businesses together and contributed mightily to their communities together. They have, in short, done exactly the same as opposite sex couples. It's time to get over this as a nation. Massachusetts is a great example of how heterosexual marriages were not threatened nor were they diminished when the laws were passed and executed here in 2004. Freedom for one segment of society is not at the expense of any other segment when we look squarely at the truth. To all same sex couples looking to honor your relationship in a committed legal contract: welcome and please don't apologize.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Eye contact
After enough ceremonies to notice how nerves can overtake a ceremony flow, I want to suggest a simple avenue to relaxation: after you take a deep breath, look at someone, anyone, to keep yourself focused and calm.
The most obvious eyes to gaze into would be your groom (or bride), but not necessarily so. After all, this is a historic moment, and you both may be feeling jittery. In my work as an officiant, at the beginning of the ceremony, before the official words are spoken, I look at the parents sitting in the first row: they have an emotional bond and a field of gratitude for having this day come to pass. Of course they also feel included---eye contact creates its own special bond.
With the bride and groom I tell them to look at each other during their vows. These are promises you make to each other, not to your officiant. Sometimes the couple fears this: what if I cry? Yes, what if? What's wrong with crying? Your heart is full and you know the deep value of your words, the sincerity of your intention. The other suggestion I make is that if the nerves overwhelm you, look at me: I'll bring you back to yourself.
What's the point of eye contact? The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the soul of those who love you has no nerves, only free space. It's this place of peace, of openness that we look for in a ceremony. The eyes have it.
The most obvious eyes to gaze into would be your groom (or bride), but not necessarily so. After all, this is a historic moment, and you both may be feeling jittery. In my work as an officiant, at the beginning of the ceremony, before the official words are spoken, I look at the parents sitting in the first row: they have an emotional bond and a field of gratitude for having this day come to pass. Of course they also feel included---eye contact creates its own special bond.
With the bride and groom I tell them to look at each other during their vows. These are promises you make to each other, not to your officiant. Sometimes the couple fears this: what if I cry? Yes, what if? What's wrong with crying? Your heart is full and you know the deep value of your words, the sincerity of your intention. The other suggestion I make is that if the nerves overwhelm you, look at me: I'll bring you back to yourself.
What's the point of eye contact? The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the soul of those who love you has no nerves, only free space. It's this place of peace, of openness that we look for in a ceremony. The eyes have it.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wedding nerves
I've posted on this earlier, but it bears another look. What do you do with the heightened energy that accompanies your actual wedding date? This energy is anticipatory and can go in any number of directions. How do you keep really cool and centered so that all this work and planning includes you in the loop of enjoyment? When you are in the grip of even "happy" energy, you are still in its grip.
Let's start with what's available: your mind, your heart, your physical body. It actually doesn't matter how you prioritize these: you can enter a state of calm through any of these portals. So, what to do with what:
The Mind
The mind listens to ideas, as well as follows emotions. Depending on your own learning habits and preferences, you may want to write down all last minute unfinished business, the left brained linear details. One way is to do a checklist and check off each tiny task as its completed. Decide on and cross out inessentials right away, as soon as they become evident that they just won't get done. Some of your "priorities" disappear as they become just too late for execution. Good to write them down and let them go.
The other thing to do for the mind is to journal. Though electronic documents are fine, probably it's better to have a tiny handwritten notebook, one that you can grab from anywhere close by (maybe near the bed stand) and then just let it flow. Here is where you can complain, worry, pray, whatever comes to mind as you free write all the thoughts on your mind.
You Heart
Your heart is another gateway, a portal to peace. This heart help could come from many avenues, including your loving spouse to be, your mother or father or a trusted sibling, or of course, a best friend. Any burdens to your heart will be evident to others and will be the heaviest weight of nerves to carry into your wedding day. I find that the emotional element most prevalent for brides and grooms is fear. Describing your fears (mostly irrational) is a helpful, useful way to overcome them. Notwithstanding the fear of making a mistake (which should have been evident long before the last week before the wedding ceremony) is the simple fear of flubbing up a ceremony, or encountering unruly behavior at a reception. These are rare occurrences, but the fear of them is real. Talk them out and put them in the "irrational thinking" bucket where they can disappear into space.
Your Body
This may be the easiest portal to take care of both the mind and the heart. Just as your endorphins get charged up in the gym and lighten up your mood when you exercise, so also does this happen to dissipate a worried mind or a frightened heart. I see many brides and grooms hit the champaigne before walking down the aisle, a way to combat performance anxiety, but I've also seen a fainting groom whose small dose of alcohol took over an empty stomach and turned the wedding video into an almost solo bride performance. Trust yourself to be your most relaxed: do yoga, ride a bike, stretch, do sit ups, get to the gym at 6 AM: do what it takes to move the body.The endorphins will work in your favor if you take the time to exercise their benefits.
All of this is helpful to give you back the joy you planned for others and can reap for yourself. This is one of the two or three happiest days in your life. It's your joy and pleasure for the taking.
Let's start with what's available: your mind, your heart, your physical body. It actually doesn't matter how you prioritize these: you can enter a state of calm through any of these portals. So, what to do with what:
The Mind
The mind listens to ideas, as well as follows emotions. Depending on your own learning habits and preferences, you may want to write down all last minute unfinished business, the left brained linear details. One way is to do a checklist and check off each tiny task as its completed. Decide on and cross out inessentials right away, as soon as they become evident that they just won't get done. Some of your "priorities" disappear as they become just too late for execution. Good to write them down and let them go.
The other thing to do for the mind is to journal. Though electronic documents are fine, probably it's better to have a tiny handwritten notebook, one that you can grab from anywhere close by (maybe near the bed stand) and then just let it flow. Here is where you can complain, worry, pray, whatever comes to mind as you free write all the thoughts on your mind.
You Heart
Your heart is another gateway, a portal to peace. This heart help could come from many avenues, including your loving spouse to be, your mother or father or a trusted sibling, or of course, a best friend. Any burdens to your heart will be evident to others and will be the heaviest weight of nerves to carry into your wedding day. I find that the emotional element most prevalent for brides and grooms is fear. Describing your fears (mostly irrational) is a helpful, useful way to overcome them. Notwithstanding the fear of making a mistake (which should have been evident long before the last week before the wedding ceremony) is the simple fear of flubbing up a ceremony, or encountering unruly behavior at a reception. These are rare occurrences, but the fear of them is real. Talk them out and put them in the "irrational thinking" bucket where they can disappear into space.
Your Body
This may be the easiest portal to take care of both the mind and the heart. Just as your endorphins get charged up in the gym and lighten up your mood when you exercise, so also does this happen to dissipate a worried mind or a frightened heart. I see many brides and grooms hit the champaigne before walking down the aisle, a way to combat performance anxiety, but I've also seen a fainting groom whose small dose of alcohol took over an empty stomach and turned the wedding video into an almost solo bride performance. Trust yourself to be your most relaxed: do yoga, ride a bike, stretch, do sit ups, get to the gym at 6 AM: do what it takes to move the body.The endorphins will work in your favor if you take the time to exercise their benefits.
All of this is helpful to give you back the joy you planned for others and can reap for yourself. This is one of the two or three happiest days in your life. It's your joy and pleasure for the taking.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Long marriages
OK, this post is not about your wedding, but about your marriage.
I've been married a long time (over thirty years), and I have a few things to say.
One: there's no formula for a "good" marriage. Some of us hold hands in our twenties and do less and less of it after the kids come along and life gets hectic. It does not mean love has walked out the window, UNLESS it is the clear indicator of the tip of the iceberg.
Two: there will be trials, maybe way more than we ever imagined. Trials are supposed to happen, though we over-romanticize how perfect our beloved other should be. It's not that you will have trials; it's how you learn to meet them together.
Three: your roles could easily reverse. We all assume roles in a family---we have to in order to organize the flow and meaning of our lives. BUT you are not your role and one way to achieve personal growth is to walk fully in your partners' shoes. Role switching is discomforting at first, but take away the fear/doubt factor (not so easy, mind you), and it can be done. Some Iraq spouses have learned this and many are much stronger for having stretched themselves so far and with such loneliness.
Four: no one is perfect, especially not your spouse, and he or she will not complete (or make better) your inadequate childhood. As much as I want to be more assertive like my husband, I have deeply embedded restraints and can't hide them behind his lack of inhibition.
Five: it takes a village to raise a child and it sometimes takes a network of good friends (and perhaps a very good therapist) to remind you that marriage is a partnership requiring communication: talk, talk, talk. No, I didn't say complain; I said talk.
So, there's just a few thoughts for the day. Don't be afraid. We all only live a day at a time, anyway. I don't know how I made it this far, except by trial and error. But therein lies the point: allow the trials and appreciate the errors. They are the opportunities for a strong foundation, which you and I are building every day of a marriage.
I've been married a long time (over thirty years), and I have a few things to say.
One: there's no formula for a "good" marriage. Some of us hold hands in our twenties and do less and less of it after the kids come along and life gets hectic. It does not mean love has walked out the window, UNLESS it is the clear indicator of the tip of the iceberg.
Two: there will be trials, maybe way more than we ever imagined. Trials are supposed to happen, though we over-romanticize how perfect our beloved other should be. It's not that you will have trials; it's how you learn to meet them together.
Three: your roles could easily reverse. We all assume roles in a family---we have to in order to organize the flow and meaning of our lives. BUT you are not your role and one way to achieve personal growth is to walk fully in your partners' shoes. Role switching is discomforting at first, but take away the fear/doubt factor (not so easy, mind you), and it can be done. Some Iraq spouses have learned this and many are much stronger for having stretched themselves so far and with such loneliness.
Four: no one is perfect, especially not your spouse, and he or she will not complete (or make better) your inadequate childhood. As much as I want to be more assertive like my husband, I have deeply embedded restraints and can't hide them behind his lack of inhibition.
Five: it takes a village to raise a child and it sometimes takes a network of good friends (and perhaps a very good therapist) to remind you that marriage is a partnership requiring communication: talk, talk, talk. No, I didn't say complain; I said talk.
So, there's just a few thoughts for the day. Don't be afraid. We all only live a day at a time, anyway. I don't know how I made it this far, except by trial and error. But therein lies the point: allow the trials and appreciate the errors. They are the opportunities for a strong foundation, which you and I are building every day of a marriage.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Wedding parties
No, not the kind where you serve wine and cheese, but the group of people we formally call your attendants.
I met a recent bride to be who has a good way to keep it simple, but include many loved ones in her ceremony. She's having five close female friends walk down the aisle in the processional, but only her two sisters are flanking her at her side for the ceremony. This way her attendants are signified as her special group but her sisters have the formal post to hold up during the actual nuptials.
I met a recent bride to be who has a good way to keep it simple, but include many loved ones in her ceremony. She's having five close female friends walk down the aisle in the processional, but only her two sisters are flanking her at her side for the ceremony. This way her attendants are signified as her special group but her sisters have the formal post to hold up during the actual nuptials.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Receptions and your officiant
I have an officiant friend who was surprised and concerned about hearing from a groom that he was expecting her and her husband to come to the couples' wedding reception.
In days past when it was clergy who married almost everyone, it was not unusual for a priest, minister or rabbi to attend a wedding reception and offer a blessing before the meal. Today the rules have changed. A nondenominational minister or JP does not hold the same relationship with the couple or any close family member, so the pastoral role is not present right from the start. However, the couple may still seek to create a bond, however fleeting, with the officiant and may want to include that person among the reception's guests.
What to do? Well, no single officiant I know is expecting an invitation. We work for you to create your ceremony. All the other events of your wedding are separate and unique, but distinct from your actual ceremony. You are not obligated to invite your officiant to your reception, but if it's very important to you, make this clear before you hire him or her. You are paying your officiant to write, rehearse and perform your ceremony. You neither need to incur extra cost to host the officiant, nor do you want to necessarily request extra time from your officiant either.
A prearranged agreement is fine, as long as all parties are comfortable. If you don't want to discuss it, assume your officiant is not expecting to be seated at any guest table after your ceremony.
In days past when it was clergy who married almost everyone, it was not unusual for a priest, minister or rabbi to attend a wedding reception and offer a blessing before the meal. Today the rules have changed. A nondenominational minister or JP does not hold the same relationship with the couple or any close family member, so the pastoral role is not present right from the start. However, the couple may still seek to create a bond, however fleeting, with the officiant and may want to include that person among the reception's guests.
What to do? Well, no single officiant I know is expecting an invitation. We work for you to create your ceremony. All the other events of your wedding are separate and unique, but distinct from your actual ceremony. You are not obligated to invite your officiant to your reception, but if it's very important to you, make this clear before you hire him or her. You are paying your officiant to write, rehearse and perform your ceremony. You neither need to incur extra cost to host the officiant, nor do you want to necessarily request extra time from your officiant either.
A prearranged agreement is fine, as long as all parties are comfortable. If you don't want to discuss it, assume your officiant is not expecting to be seated at any guest table after your ceremony.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Guest favors
For many years, it has been tradition for couples to leave a favor, a memento on the reception tables for each guest ( or guest couple) to take home. I occasionally stay for receptions and have been the recipient of a variety of interesting small items. One of my favorites was a CD of romantic songs taken from the classic swing sounds of the 30s, 40s and 50s. The groom selected the songs and did the entire mix and then had it duplicated. I still play it with enthusiasm when I drive long distances.
Other mementos include small bags for selecting from a cornucopia of candies laid out movie- concession style as one exits the reception. Another is a small booklet of photos of the couple through their courtship, sometimes showing each of them back to the toddler years.
The trend that shows up in perhaps 10 to 20% of weddings is a beautifully printed note from the couple that they have made a contribution to a favorite charity on behalf of their guests. This ordinarily includes a full explanation of what this charity does and its specific importance to the couple.
So what's the right thing to do? First of all, if you are more inclined to make your memento personal, go ahead. On the other hand, if you're inclined to make a statement by giving to a charity on behalf of your guests, don't be embarrassed to do that, either. No one, other than a five year old, is expecting a guest favor. Personally, I'm happy enough to receive a seating table number. Everything else is icing on the cake.
There is even a third alternative: you may do both! If the personal favor is so costly that the charitable contribution would be too small to have any meaning, then you have to choose. The only caveat for the charity is that it's best if your choice is non-political (and some non-political charities are still politically charged). And if you want to go ahead with a charity that may be a challenge for some of your guests, that's still your choice to defend. But remember, there may be a guest who will make an unwelcome comment.
So you can go in either direction. No one will fault you for an edible or disposable favor, but the charitable gift requires careful thought. Go with your comfort level.
Other mementos include small bags for selecting from a cornucopia of candies laid out movie- concession style as one exits the reception. Another is a small booklet of photos of the couple through their courtship, sometimes showing each of them back to the toddler years.
The trend that shows up in perhaps 10 to 20% of weddings is a beautifully printed note from the couple that they have made a contribution to a favorite charity on behalf of their guests. This ordinarily includes a full explanation of what this charity does and its specific importance to the couple.
So what's the right thing to do? First of all, if you are more inclined to make your memento personal, go ahead. On the other hand, if you're inclined to make a statement by giving to a charity on behalf of your guests, don't be embarrassed to do that, either. No one, other than a five year old, is expecting a guest favor. Personally, I'm happy enough to receive a seating table number. Everything else is icing on the cake.
There is even a third alternative: you may do both! If the personal favor is so costly that the charitable contribution would be too small to have any meaning, then you have to choose. The only caveat for the charity is that it's best if your choice is non-political (and some non-political charities are still politically charged). And if you want to go ahead with a charity that may be a challenge for some of your guests, that's still your choice to defend. But remember, there may be a guest who will make an unwelcome comment.
So you can go in either direction. No one will fault you for an edible or disposable favor, but the charitable gift requires careful thought. Go with your comfort level.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Keeping it simple
If you have a busy life (who doesn't), you may wonder how you'll survive and thrive through the multiple decisions and revisions of navigating the months, weeks, and days leading up to your wedding.
How then do you keep it simple and still realize your ideals?
1. Start with trusted recommendations. The web searches can turn up terrific people (I get many weddings that way), but it's much easier to start with people who have already proven themselves to people you trust.
2. Get someone whose judgement you trust to get on the phone and do a little prescreening for you. I spoke last weekend with the sister of a bride who was doing the early legwork for her sibling. What a gift!
3. Follow your instincts. Any vendor who stirs you positively is probably the one you'll choose. If you're really squeezed for budget, then interview for budget, but don't put quality on the back burner just to save 20%. You get what you pay for, and you won't do this wedding a second time.
4. At some point, perhaps as soon as a week or two before the wedding, go somewhere for pure TLC. That's counterintuitive. Most of us think we'll relax on the honeymoon or the three days we take off from work right after the wedding, but by then you may be truly frazzled. If all you can afford is a few hours in a hot tub, a 90 minute massage, a steam room combined with an afternoon in the pool at the Y, book it and do it.
5. I have a colleague who is a nondenominational minister as well as a yoga instructor. Edi Pasalis calls her profession I Do Yoga and she can be found on the web. Edi understands the importance of being in a peaceful space for the opening to a joyful wedding.
How then do you keep it simple and still realize your ideals?
1. Start with trusted recommendations. The web searches can turn up terrific people (I get many weddings that way), but it's much easier to start with people who have already proven themselves to people you trust.
2. Get someone whose judgement you trust to get on the phone and do a little prescreening for you. I spoke last weekend with the sister of a bride who was doing the early legwork for her sibling. What a gift!
3. Follow your instincts. Any vendor who stirs you positively is probably the one you'll choose. If you're really squeezed for budget, then interview for budget, but don't put quality on the back burner just to save 20%. You get what you pay for, and you won't do this wedding a second time.
4. At some point, perhaps as soon as a week or two before the wedding, go somewhere for pure TLC. That's counterintuitive. Most of us think we'll relax on the honeymoon or the three days we take off from work right after the wedding, but by then you may be truly frazzled. If all you can afford is a few hours in a hot tub, a 90 minute massage, a steam room combined with an afternoon in the pool at the Y, book it and do it.
5. I have a colleague who is a nondenominational minister as well as a yoga instructor. Edi Pasalis calls her profession I Do Yoga and she can be found on the web. Edi understands the importance of being in a peaceful space for the opening to a joyful wedding.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Bundle the ceremony with the reception
Years ago, couples were married on Saturday mornings in a church or synagogue, and the day was spent traveling to a variety of scenic places for endless rolls of photos, and then the reception happened at 7 or 8 that evening. This meant that guests were expected to come to a morning event and an evening one.
There were always those who skipped the wedding ceremony, especially if it was a Catholic Mass (long and mostly impersonal). After all, Catholics still had to go to Sunday Mass either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning. But skipping the ceremony was considered a little rude.
Today if couples want a morning ceremony, they often have an early afternoon reception, and if it's a church wedding, the reception venue is very close by. Even nondenominational couples having weddings in lovely parks usually choose from an abundance of fine restaurants within a mile or two. But the important factor is this: as much as your guests love you, it's a good idea to keep the whole event closely bundled into a manageable block of hours, avoiding a second drive to anywhere new, especially in big cities (like Boston, where I live and work).
I know a young bride who last year had a wedding in one town, and a reception in another town forty miles away and starting three hours after her ceremony ended. I wasn't able to attend her event but the photos showed a wedding party looking fairly exhausted. I can only guess about her guests.
There is a flow to all this and just because you like one place for the ceremony and another place for the reception doesn't mean a big travel agenda works for anyone. No matter how exciting and joyful a wedding day can be, it also must have room to breathe and relax, and waiting in downtime works against that kind of comfort.
There were always those who skipped the wedding ceremony, especially if it was a Catholic Mass (long and mostly impersonal). After all, Catholics still had to go to Sunday Mass either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning. But skipping the ceremony was considered a little rude.
Today if couples want a morning ceremony, they often have an early afternoon reception, and if it's a church wedding, the reception venue is very close by. Even nondenominational couples having weddings in lovely parks usually choose from an abundance of fine restaurants within a mile or two. But the important factor is this: as much as your guests love you, it's a good idea to keep the whole event closely bundled into a manageable block of hours, avoiding a second drive to anywhere new, especially in big cities (like Boston, where I live and work).
I know a young bride who last year had a wedding in one town, and a reception in another town forty miles away and starting three hours after her ceremony ended. I wasn't able to attend her event but the photos showed a wedding party looking fairly exhausted. I can only guess about her guests.
There is a flow to all this and just because you like one place for the ceremony and another place for the reception doesn't mean a big travel agenda works for anyone. No matter how exciting and joyful a wedding day can be, it also must have room to breathe and relax, and waiting in downtime works against that kind of comfort.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Dieting for your wedding
I have mixed feelings about this, as I spent four years as a leader for Weight Watchers and witnessed a bride or two working through the extra pounds to look glorious for her special once- in- a- lifetime day.
What argues in favor? If you know you're carrying around recent extra pounds, like weight gained in the past two years (or fewer), and you know it's due to stress eating, bad habits, or careless indulgences that can be avoided by ignoring specific people, places and things, then it might be not such a big deal to go for the weight loss.
What argues against? If you have a chronic weight problem, are carrying more than thirty pounds over your BMI limit, and you're in a hurry to lose it fast, forget it. The stress of wedding "work" and the stress of dieting can cancel each other out.
I remember a bride in my group a few years ago who was dropping weight at the rate of four to five pounds per week. She had several months to go before the wedding, but wanted to get thirty five to forty pounds shed in total and maintain it for eight weeks before the big day. She impressed other members with her amazing losses every week. WW, however, has a policy of advising members to take off weight at the average rate of one to two pounds maximum per week. This is a healthy weight loss regimen, but argues against the quickie programs out there. My young bride was gaming the system, starving herself while using the basics of Weight Watchers. Long before she finished her regime to lose, she disappeared from the meeting. I never found out if she met her personal weight loss goal.
Bottom line is this: the stress of weddings demands you take good care of yourself every step along the way. This means getting enough food in your body to keep your moods in check, a spring in your step and energy to burn. A five to ten pound loss over eight weeks can't hurt you. Any other program should be under the strict guidance of a doctor; but in any event, you want to look like yourself at your wedding. What's the point of going through your wedding album a year later and wonder who's in those pictures?
What argues in favor? If you know you're carrying around recent extra pounds, like weight gained in the past two years (or fewer), and you know it's due to stress eating, bad habits, or careless indulgences that can be avoided by ignoring specific people, places and things, then it might be not such a big deal to go for the weight loss.
What argues against? If you have a chronic weight problem, are carrying more than thirty pounds over your BMI limit, and you're in a hurry to lose it fast, forget it. The stress of wedding "work" and the stress of dieting can cancel each other out.
I remember a bride in my group a few years ago who was dropping weight at the rate of four to five pounds per week. She had several months to go before the wedding, but wanted to get thirty five to forty pounds shed in total and maintain it for eight weeks before the big day. She impressed other members with her amazing losses every week. WW, however, has a policy of advising members to take off weight at the average rate of one to two pounds maximum per week. This is a healthy weight loss regimen, but argues against the quickie programs out there. My young bride was gaming the system, starving herself while using the basics of Weight Watchers. Long before she finished her regime to lose, she disappeared from the meeting. I never found out if she met her personal weight loss goal.
Bottom line is this: the stress of weddings demands you take good care of yourself every step along the way. This means getting enough food in your body to keep your moods in check, a spring in your step and energy to burn. A five to ten pound loss over eight weeks can't hurt you. Any other program should be under the strict guidance of a doctor; but in any event, you want to look like yourself at your wedding. What's the point of going through your wedding album a year later and wonder who's in those pictures?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
It's all small stuff
In keeping with yesterday's post, I want to revisit the need to focus on the bigger picture, including all that can be learned from taking on a wedding full speed ahead.
It's good to remember first that weddings have a momentum, and that what looks simple and innocuous in February may become complicated and overwhelming in June (one month before your July wedding). Often there's no way to know ahead that this could happen and hence, no way to prepare for it.
We are familiar with the word "vision" from business circles, but the term and its ultimate value can be applied to our personal events and rituals as well. In my own business experience with process exercises, I have found it useful to create vision and include all possibility of potential upset as a way of anticipating the bumps in the road, and if they are out of our control, at least we know they're not buried within us as unspeakable.
When I interview couples, I ask for their vision and they often have a hard time answering. It comes clearer as we work through the ceremony development. So what does a full vision picture look like? It includes the possibility that not only rain might fall on an outdoor wedding, but a strong wind might stir up as well. This does not necessarily mean cancel that outdoor dream. It does mean that if you picture the joy and pleasure of being in either indoor or outdoor, knowing the outdoor setting is much preferred, you will avoid residual disappointment.
And once again I want to emphasize the value of talking through the challenges of "doing wedding" with your beloved intended, especially as you enter the last two weeks. Our secret suffering weighs heavily on us, and it shows up somewhere beneath the surcface, visible to many.
It's good to remember first that weddings have a momentum, and that what looks simple and innocuous in February may become complicated and overwhelming in June (one month before your July wedding). Often there's no way to know ahead that this could happen and hence, no way to prepare for it.
We are familiar with the word "vision" from business circles, but the term and its ultimate value can be applied to our personal events and rituals as well. In my own business experience with process exercises, I have found it useful to create vision and include all possibility of potential upset as a way of anticipating the bumps in the road, and if they are out of our control, at least we know they're not buried within us as unspeakable.
When I interview couples, I ask for their vision and they often have a hard time answering. It comes clearer as we work through the ceremony development. So what does a full vision picture look like? It includes the possibility that not only rain might fall on an outdoor wedding, but a strong wind might stir up as well. This does not necessarily mean cancel that outdoor dream. It does mean that if you picture the joy and pleasure of being in either indoor or outdoor, knowing the outdoor setting is much preferred, you will avoid residual disappointment.
And once again I want to emphasize the value of talking through the challenges of "doing wedding" with your beloved intended, especially as you enter the last two weeks. Our secret suffering weighs heavily on us, and it shows up somewhere beneath the surcface, visible to many.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Getting ready for the rest of your life
Probably the worst thing about preparing for a wedding is that once you get on a roll, you forget what's it's all about. This can be the best thing as well, especially if you're having second thoughts or undo concerns. Fortunately, I have met only one or two couples where I wondered how long this union might last. My own bridesmaids had placed bets we wouldn't be together for more than five years. That was 32 years ago and we're still going strong.
Wedding planning and scrutinizing details can be fun for awhile and overwhelming at times. It's just a part of the process and it always leaves you relieved when it's over. It's a "production", major or minor, an opening and closing night rolled into one.
How to keep your eyes on the prize? Don't forget to talk to your fiance, as much as you need to and as often as you get the chance. If you feel like you shouldn't be complaining, set it up so that it is meant to be a "clearing", not a "dumping". I met a bride last fall who broke off her engagement temporarily since her husband- to- be wasn't making any effort to hear her out and pick up at least a small load of sympathy for all the work she was doing. He was in the Navy and shipped out, but he still had access to various mail and phone lines and found himself not connecting as often as she needed him to do. The break up was all he needed to wake up and let her speak up about the overwhelming loneliness she had in doing the lion's share of wedding detail.
Why is this so important? Your stress factors in wedding planning and execution forecast the other stresses headed your way: balancing children (babies) and work, business travel when separation throws an undeserved share on one person's shoulders. Coming together on your wedding challenges models your ways of taking on the real world challenges in the life you have ahead of you. It's worth the extra time and effort. When two people "own" the event, it's a creative endeavor, a little jewel designed for deep satisfaction and joy.
Wedding planning and scrutinizing details can be fun for awhile and overwhelming at times. It's just a part of the process and it always leaves you relieved when it's over. It's a "production", major or minor, an opening and closing night rolled into one.
How to keep your eyes on the prize? Don't forget to talk to your fiance, as much as you need to and as often as you get the chance. If you feel like you shouldn't be complaining, set it up so that it is meant to be a "clearing", not a "dumping". I met a bride last fall who broke off her engagement temporarily since her husband- to- be wasn't making any effort to hear her out and pick up at least a small load of sympathy for all the work she was doing. He was in the Navy and shipped out, but he still had access to various mail and phone lines and found himself not connecting as often as she needed him to do. The break up was all he needed to wake up and let her speak up about the overwhelming loneliness she had in doing the lion's share of wedding detail.
Why is this so important? Your stress factors in wedding planning and execution forecast the other stresses headed your way: balancing children (babies) and work, business travel when separation throws an undeserved share on one person's shoulders. Coming together on your wedding challenges models your ways of taking on the real world challenges in the life you have ahead of you. It's worth the extra time and effort. When two people "own" the event, it's a creative endeavor, a little jewel designed for deep satisfaction and joy.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The subject of blogging
Blogging presents a dilemma for me. I have read the blogs of other officiants, some of whom I know and respect personally, and I see an orientation towards marketing oneself. Some do this in a balanced way, slipping in advice (tips) and other similar material, but either touting specific clients or selling themselves, and not necessarily dealing with some of the larger issues.
Perhaps it comes from a long career in process practices (setting in motion personal development activities ending in achievement of clarity or generating motivation---as a career counselor, or direct intervention in completing objectives---as a writing educator).
So I like to discuss at length the do's and don'ts of wedding ceremonies. Discuss is not what's happening here yet, as I have no comments to date, but that will come as I learn how to gain visibility through advertising or other means. In any event, that's my dilemma: opening up the subject of wedding ceremony, which may be too immediate and not worthy of a blog discussion or may be more compelling than I know. I'm seeking to make the connection and for now I assume it will come with persistence.
Perhaps it comes from a long career in process practices (setting in motion personal development activities ending in achievement of clarity or generating motivation---as a career counselor, or direct intervention in completing objectives---as a writing educator).
So I like to discuss at length the do's and don'ts of wedding ceremonies. Discuss is not what's happening here yet, as I have no comments to date, but that will come as I learn how to gain visibility through advertising or other means. In any event, that's my dilemma: opening up the subject of wedding ceremony, which may be too immediate and not worthy of a blog discussion or may be more compelling than I know. I'm seeking to make the connection and for now I assume it will come with persistence.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The TFM
When I was in training as a Celebrant, they told us to remind every bride, when finishing her plans for her special day, to include a TFM--Trusted Family Member. This is the person who is looking out for YOU and for all the tiny, sometimes petty details that will make a big difference to the flow of your day and to the flawless ceremony you want.
What does the TFM do? S(he) has everyone's cell phone number and calls potential latecomers to the rehearsal. She has the extra matches (tapered) for your Unity Candle and whips them out if the caterer or wedding venue falls short. She meets the delivery truck with your outdoor chairs in the town park one hour before the wedding and she tells them how to set them up (they don't necessarily think about which way the sun will set, or where on the gazebo you will stand and how far away from the steps to place the guests. She will place the single roses in the men's lapels and calm the ring bearer and flower girl long before they have a chance to fall apart.
Some of this job can be done by a wedding planner; some is best done by a close family member. Often this is the bride's mother, but not always. The overbearing mother could do more harm than good. Just remember, a good TFM is priceless. I have stepped in to this role several times and I don't mind, even though I'm limited because of my obvious other role, but if it's all decided ahead of time and there's one previously designated person, it's a big pain reliever. It's just three letters: TFM. Memorize that.
What does the TFM do? S(he) has everyone's cell phone number and calls potential latecomers to the rehearsal. She has the extra matches (tapered) for your Unity Candle and whips them out if the caterer or wedding venue falls short. She meets the delivery truck with your outdoor chairs in the town park one hour before the wedding and she tells them how to set them up (they don't necessarily think about which way the sun will set, or where on the gazebo you will stand and how far away from the steps to place the guests. She will place the single roses in the men's lapels and calm the ring bearer and flower girl long before they have a chance to fall apart.
Some of this job can be done by a wedding planner; some is best done by a close family member. Often this is the bride's mother, but not always. The overbearing mother could do more harm than good. Just remember, a good TFM is priceless. I have stepped in to this role several times and I don't mind, even though I'm limited because of my obvious other role, but if it's all decided ahead of time and there's one previously designated person, it's a big pain reliever. It's just three letters: TFM. Memorize that.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Lighting Your Ceremony
Nothing pleases a photographer or videographer more than good lighting for the ceremony as well as for the reception. This is tricky for brides and grooms since churches have their own set-up (usually pretty good) . Hotel and other venues have a different set of problems.
Bottom line is this: to have the mood lighting that makes a difference to your guests' enjoyment, as well as to your photos, include several large candles on three foot pedestals or better yet, bring in several torchieres. Your guests want to see the ceremony, your faces when they can, and even the officiant's face, as this will tell them what's going on with you as well.
The wedding ceremony is an ancient tradition, but that doesn't make it something to take for granted. It's these words, this expression of your commitment, this day and time and you're the ones to make it matter to yourselves and everyone else. Light it up or down, but make sure everything is visible.
I did a wedding a few months ago in an old museum, and the bride and groom wanted badly to be on the staircase landing with the sun setting through the back window right behind them. Trouble was that the sunset in November didn't illuminate us and it was the groom's father who suggested we come down to the bottom of the staircase to be seen. The chandelier in the great room lit us perfectly and we were seen and heard by all. But it takes a watchful eye and caring person to speak up and let the wedding party know they can't be seen. Remember to ask someone to do this for you at the rehearsal, especially if your rehearsal is at the same hour as the wedding (highly recommended).
Bottom line is this: to have the mood lighting that makes a difference to your guests' enjoyment, as well as to your photos, include several large candles on three foot pedestals or better yet, bring in several torchieres. Your guests want to see the ceremony, your faces when they can, and even the officiant's face, as this will tell them what's going on with you as well.
The wedding ceremony is an ancient tradition, but that doesn't make it something to take for granted. It's these words, this expression of your commitment, this day and time and you're the ones to make it matter to yourselves and everyone else. Light it up or down, but make sure everything is visible.
I did a wedding a few months ago in an old museum, and the bride and groom wanted badly to be on the staircase landing with the sun setting through the back window right behind them. Trouble was that the sunset in November didn't illuminate us and it was the groom's father who suggested we come down to the bottom of the staircase to be seen. The chandelier in the great room lit us perfectly and we were seen and heard by all. But it takes a watchful eye and caring person to speak up and let the wedding party know they can't be seen. Remember to ask someone to do this for you at the rehearsal, especially if your rehearsal is at the same hour as the wedding (highly recommended).
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