I live in Massachusetts and as such I have the freedom and the privilege to officiate for two people of the same sex. Marriage equality was passed in Massachusetts, taking effect May 17, 2004.
About 20% of my wedding ceremonies are with same sex couples. Recently I was surprised when a woman called and asked me to officiate her ceremony and before we got off the phone, she asked me somewhat apologetically if I was agreeable to solemnizing her wedding to her female partner. I say surprised because of the apology. I can only assume she has encountered discrimination and wanted to protect herself from my possible rejection of her when we met to discuss her upcoming ceremony.
I frankly believe this issue will disappear in another twenty years, but meanwhile I wish today to go on record saying that homosexuality is a private matter and as such is a fully human experience, nor more deviant than, but equally valid as, heterosexual behavior.
The couples I've wed have had children together, parented adopted children together, built businesses together and contributed mightily to their communities together. They have, in short, done exactly the same as opposite sex couples. It's time to get over this as a nation. Massachusetts is a great example of how heterosexual marriages were not threatened nor were they diminished when the laws were passed and executed here in 2004. Freedom for one segment of society is not at the expense of any other segment when we look squarely at the truth. To all same sex couples looking to honor your relationship in a committed legal contract: welcome and please don't apologize.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Eye contact
After enough ceremonies to notice how nerves can overtake a ceremony flow, I want to suggest a simple avenue to relaxation: after you take a deep breath, look at someone, anyone, to keep yourself focused and calm.
The most obvious eyes to gaze into would be your groom (or bride), but not necessarily so. After all, this is a historic moment, and you both may be feeling jittery. In my work as an officiant, at the beginning of the ceremony, before the official words are spoken, I look at the parents sitting in the first row: they have an emotional bond and a field of gratitude for having this day come to pass. Of course they also feel included---eye contact creates its own special bond.
With the bride and groom I tell them to look at each other during their vows. These are promises you make to each other, not to your officiant. Sometimes the couple fears this: what if I cry? Yes, what if? What's wrong with crying? Your heart is full and you know the deep value of your words, the sincerity of your intention. The other suggestion I make is that if the nerves overwhelm you, look at me: I'll bring you back to yourself.
What's the point of eye contact? The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the soul of those who love you has no nerves, only free space. It's this place of peace, of openness that we look for in a ceremony. The eyes have it.
The most obvious eyes to gaze into would be your groom (or bride), but not necessarily so. After all, this is a historic moment, and you both may be feeling jittery. In my work as an officiant, at the beginning of the ceremony, before the official words are spoken, I look at the parents sitting in the first row: they have an emotional bond and a field of gratitude for having this day come to pass. Of course they also feel included---eye contact creates its own special bond.
With the bride and groom I tell them to look at each other during their vows. These are promises you make to each other, not to your officiant. Sometimes the couple fears this: what if I cry? Yes, what if? What's wrong with crying? Your heart is full and you know the deep value of your words, the sincerity of your intention. The other suggestion I make is that if the nerves overwhelm you, look at me: I'll bring you back to yourself.
What's the point of eye contact? The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the soul of those who love you has no nerves, only free space. It's this place of peace, of openness that we look for in a ceremony. The eyes have it.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wedding nerves
I've posted on this earlier, but it bears another look. What do you do with the heightened energy that accompanies your actual wedding date? This energy is anticipatory and can go in any number of directions. How do you keep really cool and centered so that all this work and planning includes you in the loop of enjoyment? When you are in the grip of even "happy" energy, you are still in its grip.
Let's start with what's available: your mind, your heart, your physical body. It actually doesn't matter how you prioritize these: you can enter a state of calm through any of these portals. So, what to do with what:
The Mind
The mind listens to ideas, as well as follows emotions. Depending on your own learning habits and preferences, you may want to write down all last minute unfinished business, the left brained linear details. One way is to do a checklist and check off each tiny task as its completed. Decide on and cross out inessentials right away, as soon as they become evident that they just won't get done. Some of your "priorities" disappear as they become just too late for execution. Good to write them down and let them go.
The other thing to do for the mind is to journal. Though electronic documents are fine, probably it's better to have a tiny handwritten notebook, one that you can grab from anywhere close by (maybe near the bed stand) and then just let it flow. Here is where you can complain, worry, pray, whatever comes to mind as you free write all the thoughts on your mind.
You Heart
Your heart is another gateway, a portal to peace. This heart help could come from many avenues, including your loving spouse to be, your mother or father or a trusted sibling, or of course, a best friend. Any burdens to your heart will be evident to others and will be the heaviest weight of nerves to carry into your wedding day. I find that the emotional element most prevalent for brides and grooms is fear. Describing your fears (mostly irrational) is a helpful, useful way to overcome them. Notwithstanding the fear of making a mistake (which should have been evident long before the last week before the wedding ceremony) is the simple fear of flubbing up a ceremony, or encountering unruly behavior at a reception. These are rare occurrences, but the fear of them is real. Talk them out and put them in the "irrational thinking" bucket where they can disappear into space.
Your Body
This may be the easiest portal to take care of both the mind and the heart. Just as your endorphins get charged up in the gym and lighten up your mood when you exercise, so also does this happen to dissipate a worried mind or a frightened heart. I see many brides and grooms hit the champaigne before walking down the aisle, a way to combat performance anxiety, but I've also seen a fainting groom whose small dose of alcohol took over an empty stomach and turned the wedding video into an almost solo bride performance. Trust yourself to be your most relaxed: do yoga, ride a bike, stretch, do sit ups, get to the gym at 6 AM: do what it takes to move the body.The endorphins will work in your favor if you take the time to exercise their benefits.
All of this is helpful to give you back the joy you planned for others and can reap for yourself. This is one of the two or three happiest days in your life. It's your joy and pleasure for the taking.
Let's start with what's available: your mind, your heart, your physical body. It actually doesn't matter how you prioritize these: you can enter a state of calm through any of these portals. So, what to do with what:
The Mind
The mind listens to ideas, as well as follows emotions. Depending on your own learning habits and preferences, you may want to write down all last minute unfinished business, the left brained linear details. One way is to do a checklist and check off each tiny task as its completed. Decide on and cross out inessentials right away, as soon as they become evident that they just won't get done. Some of your "priorities" disappear as they become just too late for execution. Good to write them down and let them go.
The other thing to do for the mind is to journal. Though electronic documents are fine, probably it's better to have a tiny handwritten notebook, one that you can grab from anywhere close by (maybe near the bed stand) and then just let it flow. Here is where you can complain, worry, pray, whatever comes to mind as you free write all the thoughts on your mind.
You Heart
Your heart is another gateway, a portal to peace. This heart help could come from many avenues, including your loving spouse to be, your mother or father or a trusted sibling, or of course, a best friend. Any burdens to your heart will be evident to others and will be the heaviest weight of nerves to carry into your wedding day. I find that the emotional element most prevalent for brides and grooms is fear. Describing your fears (mostly irrational) is a helpful, useful way to overcome them. Notwithstanding the fear of making a mistake (which should have been evident long before the last week before the wedding ceremony) is the simple fear of flubbing up a ceremony, or encountering unruly behavior at a reception. These are rare occurrences, but the fear of them is real. Talk them out and put them in the "irrational thinking" bucket where they can disappear into space.
Your Body
This may be the easiest portal to take care of both the mind and the heart. Just as your endorphins get charged up in the gym and lighten up your mood when you exercise, so also does this happen to dissipate a worried mind or a frightened heart. I see many brides and grooms hit the champaigne before walking down the aisle, a way to combat performance anxiety, but I've also seen a fainting groom whose small dose of alcohol took over an empty stomach and turned the wedding video into an almost solo bride performance. Trust yourself to be your most relaxed: do yoga, ride a bike, stretch, do sit ups, get to the gym at 6 AM: do what it takes to move the body.The endorphins will work in your favor if you take the time to exercise their benefits.
All of this is helpful to give you back the joy you planned for others and can reap for yourself. This is one of the two or three happiest days in your life. It's your joy and pleasure for the taking.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Long marriages
OK, this post is not about your wedding, but about your marriage.
I've been married a long time (over thirty years), and I have a few things to say.
One: there's no formula for a "good" marriage. Some of us hold hands in our twenties and do less and less of it after the kids come along and life gets hectic. It does not mean love has walked out the window, UNLESS it is the clear indicator of the tip of the iceberg.
Two: there will be trials, maybe way more than we ever imagined. Trials are supposed to happen, though we over-romanticize how perfect our beloved other should be. It's not that you will have trials; it's how you learn to meet them together.
Three: your roles could easily reverse. We all assume roles in a family---we have to in order to organize the flow and meaning of our lives. BUT you are not your role and one way to achieve personal growth is to walk fully in your partners' shoes. Role switching is discomforting at first, but take away the fear/doubt factor (not so easy, mind you), and it can be done. Some Iraq spouses have learned this and many are much stronger for having stretched themselves so far and with such loneliness.
Four: no one is perfect, especially not your spouse, and he or she will not complete (or make better) your inadequate childhood. As much as I want to be more assertive like my husband, I have deeply embedded restraints and can't hide them behind his lack of inhibition.
Five: it takes a village to raise a child and it sometimes takes a network of good friends (and perhaps a very good therapist) to remind you that marriage is a partnership requiring communication: talk, talk, talk. No, I didn't say complain; I said talk.
So, there's just a few thoughts for the day. Don't be afraid. We all only live a day at a time, anyway. I don't know how I made it this far, except by trial and error. But therein lies the point: allow the trials and appreciate the errors. They are the opportunities for a strong foundation, which you and I are building every day of a marriage.
I've been married a long time (over thirty years), and I have a few things to say.
One: there's no formula for a "good" marriage. Some of us hold hands in our twenties and do less and less of it after the kids come along and life gets hectic. It does not mean love has walked out the window, UNLESS it is the clear indicator of the tip of the iceberg.
Two: there will be trials, maybe way more than we ever imagined. Trials are supposed to happen, though we over-romanticize how perfect our beloved other should be. It's not that you will have trials; it's how you learn to meet them together.
Three: your roles could easily reverse. We all assume roles in a family---we have to in order to organize the flow and meaning of our lives. BUT you are not your role and one way to achieve personal growth is to walk fully in your partners' shoes. Role switching is discomforting at first, but take away the fear/doubt factor (not so easy, mind you), and it can be done. Some Iraq spouses have learned this and many are much stronger for having stretched themselves so far and with such loneliness.
Four: no one is perfect, especially not your spouse, and he or she will not complete (or make better) your inadequate childhood. As much as I want to be more assertive like my husband, I have deeply embedded restraints and can't hide them behind his lack of inhibition.
Five: it takes a village to raise a child and it sometimes takes a network of good friends (and perhaps a very good therapist) to remind you that marriage is a partnership requiring communication: talk, talk, talk. No, I didn't say complain; I said talk.
So, there's just a few thoughts for the day. Don't be afraid. We all only live a day at a time, anyway. I don't know how I made it this far, except by trial and error. But therein lies the point: allow the trials and appreciate the errors. They are the opportunities for a strong foundation, which you and I are building every day of a marriage.
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