tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26131530768452373582024-03-13T09:56:09.053-07:00Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly JacksonPlanning a wedding? I serve and love to interact with engaged couples, especially brides to be. This blog is also a place for anyone to talk about what it means to love. Feel free to ask questions, leave comments, or contact me. ellyjackson@bostonceremonies.comelly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-55556136238005540802010-09-01T09:40:00.000-07:002010-09-01T09:42:10.916-07:00Once more with feelingOooops! We don't get to do a wedding ceremony over (not to this person on this day). When we're in it, this is IT!!<br />
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As much as I love the whole event of wedding ceremonies, moment to moment, from Good Afternoon to Ladies and Gentlemen, please greet the newlyweds, I hold the centerpiece as truly "all that there is". This centerpiece comprises the Asking, the Vows and the Ring Vows. These are traditional (but also very customizable) and are heard worldwide every day in all languages, and in both civic and religious customs.<br />
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It is here where we are the most intimate, where I tell my couples that I disappear (metaphorically) and where they alone generate the meaning, the presence and the depths of their words and gestures to each other. This is also the most nerve wracking part of the ceremony for some couples. Why?<br />
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The moment of saying these words reaches deep down to the soul and reverberates the gravity of a life long promise. It's tempting to cry (mostly it just cannot be avoided). Fear of crying, however, can destroy the beauty and feeling of this moment. Suppressing tears with all your might may not even work, but if it does it may give you unintended consequences, like rote, wooden reciting.<br />
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Tip: appreciate the depth of feeling. Let it be there. Ninety nine out of a hundred times the tears may be in the eyes and in the voice a tiny bit, but you will not have a meltdown in front of your beloved, your family and friends. I've never seen it. However, I have seen readers fall apart, loving friends or siblings who are simply overwhelmed and make it through half the reading, stop and cry and go on. It's not a problem. The joy of a wedding has to have tears in the background. These are not sad tears, but they come from a well of gratitude to have this gift in our midst. Let it happen; you can suck it up when your toasts happen at the reception.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-7887536493695880812010-08-16T09:53:00.000-07:002010-08-16T09:53:12.118-07:00Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: The lifetime road to love<a href="http://ellyjackson.blogspot.com/2010/08/lifetime-road-to-love.html">Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: The lifetime road to love</a>elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-60180309810983419102010-08-16T09:25:00.000-07:002010-08-16T09:25:20.414-07:00The lifetime road to love<!--StartFragment--> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">Yesterday I wrote out of the box for an upcoming ceremony. I actually remembered that I, too, have a marriage, a long one, and experience to draw upon directly. I withhold advice from my weddings in fear that it will sound too much like “elder” scolding. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I have had couples tell me of weddings they’ve seen where the preacher lectured the couple on the divorce rate, <i>during</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> their wedding ceremony. Thus, I have attempted to keep my words strictly upbeat. Who wants to be reminded of the risks on that special day?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But yesterday, when writing the concluding blessing and declaration of marriage, the last words I say before announcing the couple as newlyweds, I wrote something entirely new and completely true to what I know. It may be perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned in 33 years of marriage.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">Remember this through the years, as love itself never changes, just the world around it to teach you over and over what love really is. What your <i>particular</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> love will come to mean is beyond predicting, but you will </span><i>know, </i><span style="font-style: normal;">just as you somehow </span><i>knew</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> when you first loved each other. May you honor this adventure always.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">What did this come from?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The subject of love is more written about than any subject on earth. What did I learn about love? I remember ten years ago when my husband told me that he didn’t feel any love for me anymore. I told him that love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Feelings will follow if the choice is sincere. That’s why we make promises at the ceremony: in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, in joy and in sorrow are very real and will predictably happen, if only briefly in some cases.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">And then we redefine what love is, out of having made a commitment and sticking with it. <i>This is my road to myself, to awakening, to becoming the spiritual body of my ideals, to being fully human at last.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">All adventures are risks. We can’t live without them. It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></div><!--EndFragment-->elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-36583353041669403782010-06-16T07:44:00.000-07:002010-06-17T11:46:02.644-07:00Cultural Customs<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Some ceremonies are just that---ceremonial, as in austere, as in the processional for English monarchs. And some are less magisterial, more truly celebratory, and perhaps even a little raucous. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">A few weeks ago I officiated a wedding between two Russian born sweethearts and </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="goog-spellcheck-word">everyone's</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> entrance, bridesmaids, flower girls and of course the bride and groom, was greeted with joyous and resounding applause. This actually had a calming effect on the couple. They were applauded upon their very entrance and well before the vows, so they didn't have to perform or prove themselves. Their family and friends were raving just at their sight. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">For all the preparation I promote between the couple before their ceremony, the one last thing I say to them (and specifically to this couple, who were forced to start 30 minutes late), is to just be "present" for each other, to be aware that they are living breathing beings, not performers attempting to fulfill some standard expectation. These two were front and center for each other.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here they are: Tanya and </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="goog-spellcheck-word">Ilya</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5rBZUd3_lYb48pUZqo-QYF0ag9A9JdB4CoIxQhyphenhyphenv3BkjQwIHbnGM6CNd04W8rGwbRTH9jaj2WgFLy3aKXkj1_lFMRLgjua-dVeqTgz5eH4C3GduBlJlqSvAeC0CeFfhx9c4gdqvGmqQak/s1600/Tanya.Ilya.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5rBZUd3_lYb48pUZqo-QYF0ag9A9JdB4CoIxQhyphenhyphenv3BkjQwIHbnGM6CNd04W8rGwbRTH9jaj2WgFLy3aKXkj1_lFMRLgjua-dVeqTgz5eH4C3GduBlJlqSvAeC0CeFfhx9c4gdqvGmqQak/s320/Tanya.Ilya.jpg" /></a></div>elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-1159992478305977222010-06-12T10:25:00.000-07:002010-06-12T10:45:22.516-07:00Outdoor Ceremonies and PLAN BI've written about this several times, but it bears a second say: Ensure that your Plan B is equally appropriate and valuable to your ceremony setting. If your venue shift to indoors is sketchy, if there is a compromise on guest comfort, sound or visual accommodation, do not book that venue. From April through November, on the East Coast, outdoors is a 50/50 gamble, particularly in the summer months. Garden weddings are lovely ideas, but the indoor wedding ceremony has creature comforts that trump the wonderful gifts of nature: bugs, wind, rain, scalding hot sun, stultifying humidity, dangerous lightning.<br /><br />I'm not sour on outdoor ceremonies. When the stars align, they provide an extraordinary atmosphere. My own wedding, over thirty years ago, was outdoors in June. We got all the way to ...by the authority I hold from the State of New York...and the sky opened up. We were truly lucky. Last June I officiated a wedding where we completed the vows, but not the ring exchange, when serious lightning and thunderstorms rolled in from nowhere, and we had to run 500 feet to the reception "barn" to complete the ceremony. <br /><br />It's a very hard call when the weather looks like it could go either way, but bottom line: love your plan B to make the decision easier on you on a day already filled with extraordinary tension and anticipation.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-60038498545504362032010-03-28T09:02:00.000-07:002010-03-28T09:19:03.436-07:00Different VowsIn developing wedding scripts with couples, I send each partner a questionnaire so I can draft their love story, and I recently added a piece at the bottom where they tell me what vows they want from the dozen I sent them. Since they fill out the questionnaires separately and are asked not to work on them together, I've gotten back different vows selections from each party.<br /><br />This means if I honor their wishes, each will speak their own choice of vows to the other. So, <span style="font-style:italic;">please repeat after me</span> will not be the same. I'm perplexed right now since I used to have them consult on this, but with the new questionnaire, their choices are divergent.<br /><br />Frankly, I like the unique vows, since couples who compose their own vows almost always write something unique to them. Last fall I even had one groom who whispered his vows to his bride. <br /><br />I'm curious how this will finally play out in the coming months. We get used to hearing fairly standard vows and the same ones for each partner, but that assumes we all think homogeneously. We don't. Feel free to comment. What do you think?elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-24196012712323230572010-02-18T19:29:00.000-08:002010-02-18T20:02:33.033-08:00Same Sex Marriage is The SameWell, here I am in Massachusetts where this civi right has been legal since May 17th, 2004. My next two weddings are between two men, one couple coming in next week from Melbourne, Australia, and the other two coming up in late March from Fort Lauderdale, Florida.<br /><br />There's one thing very important that many of my same sex couples have taught me, and surely without their even knowing it: they are no different, not in their need to follow tradition, not in their need to have their love front and center, not in their need to express gratitude for the nurturing and values given them from friends and family.<br /><br />But most palpable in the sameness to opposite sex marriages is their knowing the privilege of their commitment, the seriousness of their vows, and the confidence of having the institution of marriage provide a platform of trust for each of them to grow and flourish throughout their lives. Even the intention to have children is a big part of many same sex couples' intentional future.<br /><br />We're all still working on the language: I now pronounce you husband and husband/wife and wife/spouses? But that's just fooling around with the word search: the center of it all is the honor it is to be so included and so respected. I can't for the life of me picture a state in the union without s-s marriage in another ten years. May I never lose my rose-colored glasses.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-24434765962069794432009-11-29T09:13:00.000-08:002009-11-29T09:13:21.664-08:00Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: Small and Beautifulhttp://www.facebook.com/ellen.jackson3elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-10129748153353011762009-11-29T08:42:00.000-08:002009-11-29T09:12:11.418-08:00Small and BeautifulI have at least three weddings a year that come in (very) last minute and I generally love them. Last year I married a couple on December 16th in the Boston Common, having met them for ten minutes in the lobby of the Four Seasons. <br /><br />This year there was a ceremony on Valentine's Day with a Russian couple in my home. The bride came in with a resplendent wedding gown, and the groom brought a photographer friend, his parents and grandmother, and a skeptical son from a previous marriage. Usually these tiny weddings are over and out within a half hour. But this was different.<br /><br />The Russians are a friendly people. After the ceremony, the bride went back up to my bedroom to change for the subsequent lunch downtown. The groom's grandmother spoke only Russian, but found a way to thank me through her daughter's translation. The groom's father told of having lived in St. Petersburg and emigrating to the US in the 1980s.<br /><br />Laughter filled the kitchen and dining room for over an hour. <br /><br />Last night I married a couple who showed up ten days ago looking for a ceremony with only parents and sibling invited. We briefly discussed how to set up their dining room in case there were wedding crashers. (I have rarely done a wedding that was meant for only two and didn't add at least a dozen). Two days after we met, the groom said "plan for twenty". Their friends came in from everywhere. The house, which I had expected to be nice enough, but more likely last minute chic, was as impeccably organized as any professional wedding venue I have seen, the bride wore the wedding dress she had purchased for the repeat big ceremony they were planning for next summer, and the candles, flowers and light food and drink were so beautifully coordinated that this could have been at any high end chalet.<br /><br />I am not voting on wedding size. This couple has at least another hundred friends they would like to have included. But it amazes me the ingenuity of two people who are determined to marry and to have the moment count, no matter the number of guests.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-41084005991964302392009-11-12T21:29:00.000-08:002009-11-12T21:29:01.081-08:00Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: Nervous grooms<a href="http://ellyjackson.blogspot.com/2009/11/nervous-grooms.html">Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: Nervous grooms</a>elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-8640908911109155192009-11-02T17:40:00.000-08:002009-11-12T21:28:19.112-08:00Nervous groomsLast evening I had the pleasure and privilege of sitting down with a nervous groom for almost 30 minutes before we began the ceremony. This is a man in his mid-thirties, well-educated, confident, easy-going, great sense of humor. But when his buddies started to arrive, even they were asking: "Are you OK?"<br /><br />He told them he was, but in a quiet little corner, he confessed to me that he was nervous. But this was not the simple nervous of "I have to say those words and smile in front of all those people". This was deep within his bones: his life was changing in a matter of minutes; this was real, as in stepping up to the plate and taking on the weight of combining his life with another human being as imperfect as he is. Making promises he would keep, and someday discovering their nuance, ambiguity, and power to take him through suffering he can't imagine at this moment. This was not a dress rehearsal for a soap opera drama.<br /><br />Many grooms appear placid and under control, but more often than not, they are barely masking not only their nerves, but also their vulnerability. I have witnessed more grooms than brides with tears in their throat (and streaming down their faces). This is one of the few times in his life that a man has permission to be moved to tears. It's this rush of energy, feeling like nerves, invigorated by passion and anxiety, that courses through his veins and brings him to that humble place: I can choose another without knowing the final outcome, but allow for any possibility along the road of my life with my beloved. I can and will choose freely and in good faith. <br /><br />That's enough energy to make me nervous for any groom.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-7643368002816835432009-10-09T15:20:00.000-07:002009-10-09T15:47:36.290-07:00Fun Ceremonies and the Boundaries of Good TasteMany of you by now have seen that viral wedding video on YouTube where the wedding party and the bride and groom came down the aisle doing hip hop dancing. I read the comments and found post after post congratulating the couple on such a choice.<br /><br />I have my own taste in wedding ceremonies and dancing hip hop down the aisle is not high on my list of good options. Receptions are for letting it all hang out. <br /><br />But more importantly, what was there in this video which pulled so much positive response? What does this say about the very traditional church ceremonies? Yes, this bride and groom were iconoclasts, but what ritual did they want to shatter? Shock and awe may be one explanation, or it may have been even simpler: wedding ceremonies don't have to be somber and boring. After all, wedding ceremonies are about celebrating love and joy, solemnizing commitment, but not about assuming a dreaded ball and chain.<br /><br />From my vantage point having conducted many ceremonies with people of all faiths, including agnostics and atheists inter-marrying practicing Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and more, it seems everyone wants something intimate, human, touching, but not saccharine, or preachy. When it's human, sensitive and intimate, the fun can come from the couple themselves, what poetry they choose, what vows are personal and meaningful to them. Genuine laughter in a wedding ceremony is a recognizable quality of reality and brings all of us in to the human story. We do not have to shock and awe to shake up tradition. It was an experiment that may have said more about who responded than about this particular couple.<br /><br />There's a hunger out there for a personal spirituality, for having the God of our understanding as a loving and gracious entity.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-5944583773182117822009-08-16T06:39:00.000-07:002009-08-16T07:16:51.116-07:00God is not deadLast evening on the rare occasion of attending the reception of one of the weddings I perform, I had an interesting conversation with a guest of my own generation. He was apologetic for broaching the subject: "You did a wonderful job, but....." <br /><br />How did I come to be in demand, he wondered, and why have so many young adults abandoned their religion? And finally, he wondered what would become of the next generation to follow? Would religion itself disappear in 25 years? Since I drink only Diet Coke, I was awake enough to take this in.<br /><br />He actually wanted to discuss his own relationship with God, and ultimately his own death. Now in the third half of life, having left behind his own Catholic upbringing perhaps 40 years ago ("I was rebellious"), he questioned the shifts of the past several decades in how people practice and express their spiritual life without a particular institutionalized religion. He queried whether or not he should have a traditional Catholic Mass for his funeral---he hoped at least 25 years from now!<br /><br />This conversation took place with a fabulous and <span style="font-style:italic;">loud</span> dance band as background. I couldn't treat it lightly, but the atmosphere was not conducive to a respectfully serious discussion. I'll spare my readers what I said, but summarize it today, in the warm light of a sunny summer Sunday. This generation of twenty and thirty and forty somethings may be the most spiritually connected generations than we ever knew prior to 1965. <br /><br />God is alive and well for those who know it in their hearts and live their faith in their deeds, but not necessarily in their belief in any dogma, or even in the notion of God as an entity. This is true for those who practice religion as well as those who have left that practice behind. The next generations after this one will have the minds and hearts of all human beings. And when we die, we will likely have already met our "Maker" days before the funeral. That event is for the survivors. Have a Mass or have a memorial tribute, so long as it lifts up the family and friends and honors the gift of having had a life itself.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-58470221124701588192009-07-26T13:39:00.000-07:002009-07-26T14:03:20.418-07:00Rained OutHello out there and it's been a long time gone!! <br /><br />Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!<br /><br />On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather. <br /><br />We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover. <br /><br />Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-16665073967610396322009-06-07T16:38:00.000-07:002009-06-07T17:05:51.658-07:00Do weddings honestly reflect marriages?A couple once told me about a priest who lectured another couple during the ceremony on their likelihood of divorce. He gave them all the warnings and made sure they had a list of do's and don't's in order to have success. <br /><br />Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?<br /><br />I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).<br /><br />But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should <span style="font-style:italic;">cause</span> us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-46059334416251773602009-05-12T14:26:00.000-07:002009-05-12T14:44:02.153-07:00EngagingHow should a wedding ceremony engage your wedding guests? Engaged is a really good word here. You become engaged which means you have created a bond, a promise of a wedding in the usually near-future. The word also means <span style="font-style:italic;">involved</span>, but <span style="font-style:italic;">committed</span> is the strongest indicator that two people are not just a dating couple but a seriously committed couple.<br /><br />As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love. <br /><br />This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through <span style="font-style:italic;">you</span>.<br /><br />Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-41356531841958763862009-05-07T16:13:00.000-07:002009-05-12T14:18:44.955-07:00weddings, recessions, budgets and smart spendingAre weddings recession proof? Of course not and why should they be? <br /><br />But there is one advantage with a wedding: when savings have been set aside, there is money designated for the dream wedding. When money has not been set aside (we didn't do this 30+ years ago), a recession will sometimes dramatically affect how much you spend. <br /><br />Many recent brides and grooms have told me lately that they can bargain with venues, caterers, photographers, florists and musicians. In my work I have met some of the best in the industry, particularly photographers and musicians, and I hate to see them suffer (they are artists, after all). But how do you decide where to let go of the purse strings and where to hold back?<br /><br />Rule #1: Please yourself first. If your mother's three brothers and your fiance's father would be shocked at a wedding with under a hundred guests, DO IT anyway! Head count is vital to cost control. <br /><br />Rule #2: Small things get noticed and they matter. A simple vase of white roses on a table with photos of the two of you as children will draw everyone's attention. We all grow up and sooner or later fall in love. Who would have thought that little boy with the floppy ears would turn out so handsome, especially in a tux?<br /><br />Rule #3: The ceremony is the point and the reception is the after-party. If you can splurge anywhere, give yourself a violinist for your ceremony and let the DJ do the reception. If you're in a large city like Boston, call one of our many music schools and you'll find extraordinary talent and really good rates.<br /><br />Rule #4: Do you have to have Vera Wang because your closest friends will know (Wang gowns are gorgeous) or can you take the time you need to look around at what makes you feel great, look great, and won't cost you six months of your rent?<br /><br />Rule #5: Set the boundaries on the overruns. I have persuaded brides to get the violinist (or a string quartet) instead of the iPod, but it was up to the both groom and bride to say--yes, this is worth it and no, that is not.<br /><br />Well, another homespun list from another unsolicited advisor, but I just couldn't help it. Recessions don't have to spoil the joy and pleasure of your great day!elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-58359871830133839252009-04-17T16:47:00.000-07:002009-04-17T17:03:55.233-07:00Same Sex MarriageI am convinced that this will be remembered in history as a civil rights issue that was finally won in a federal overturning of the DOMA law around 2020. Once Iowa joined the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and then Vermont joined in by a legislature vote, the momentum arrived for the voice of the people of all sexual orientations to speak up.<br /><br />As a former educator in a university, I had the task of reading hundreds of student essays on civil rights and marginalization. It was an eye opener. One year I had my students choose their focus on any civil rights issue. We had been reading James Baldwin and MLK, but their essays could address any related subject relevant to them. Perhaps 20% of them wrote about gay equality. And these were probably straight young adults. (I don't ask nor do I care what orientation people have). There was one openly gay student and he wrote about something else.<br /><br />It was then I knew that the millennial generation has no issue around this civil right.<br /><br />I conduct same sex marriage ceremonies (about 10-15% of all my weddings) and they are an honor to perform, and it all started with moving to Massachusetts in 2005. I look forward to more states coming on board (go new York!). The sky hasn't fallen in the Commonwealth here, and it won't fall anywhere else.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-46718033244410991772009-04-04T17:25:00.000-07:002009-04-04T17:44:32.062-07:00The Authentic CeremonyWhy is authenticity so important in a wedding? Romance is what we all enjoy, reading about it, watching it in film and on TV and celebrating it in a wedding. But romance comes long before commitment and it's choosing another, committing to another that makes the wedding authentic (and does the same for the marriage itself). Romance is the trigger and commitment makes us adults. And the words we use make all the difference. <br /><br />I officiated a wedding this afternoon for a couple who wrote lengthy tributes about each other (which I edited for reading at the ceremony) and neither of them saw nor read what the other had said. They heard each other's tribute simultaneously with their guests. Everyone was moved by their words, by the truthful, humorous and clearly wise observations they each had of the other. <br /><br />They found vows as well that were specific to their own commitment, beautiful, frank and not your everyday wedding vows.<br /><br />I believe that a wedding ceremony can re-ignite the rich experience of what love is to everyone you invite. The more inclusive we are in our love and in our sharing its full and practical picture, the more we open ourselves to our friends and family. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes the same village to embrace and support a marriage. The words we say on our wedding day are our promises to keep. Words matter.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-52505308647199097172009-03-28T09:42:00.001-07:002009-03-28T10:11:47.597-07:00The Art of Pleasing EverybodyYes, you can actually do it. How? Please yourself. <br /><br />Since my officiant work is almost exclusively interfaith, I hear lots of stories of how this parent or grandparent might be offended if a particular religious practice is not done at the ceremony. But just today a groom told me how his Catholic mother would love to see something echoing her religious beliefs, but that in fact she only wants him to be happy, and she knows his choice of leaving his religion behind has not altered his behavior: he's still a son of great character.<br /><br />Your wedding day is by its very nature an expression of your spiritual personality, not necessarily of your religious practice. Loving another human being enough to commit to a lifetime of shared efforts, joys and sacrifices, as well as bringing children in to the world, is a spiritual undertaking like no other. It will test you in the crucible of the direct human experience of forgiveness, compassion and humility. These are issues of spirit, and this is precisely why all good marriages strengthen everyone in a community.<br /><br />Own your spiritual being, with its still small voice of conscience. This means please yourself for your ceremony based on your values and on your view of love in the world. All of us understand this in our hearts, no matter our religion.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-69397730336079319052009-02-24T20:02:00.000-08:002009-02-24T20:14:50.521-08:00Weddings are recession proofWell, that DEPENDS you might say. Very elaborate, expensive weddings will still happen among those who have saved for the event, or among the wealthy. But in my dealings with couples, I've seen an occasional paring down of their wedding budgets. Like? One bride said: "We were having 150 guests, but we're working on it to get it to no more than 90".<br /><br />This is a huge savings. I married a couple last summer in the Boston Public Garden who wanted just the three of us, but over a dozen friends and family slowed up anyway. They had bought a house together and felt they just couldn't pay for a wedding as well.<br /><br />People should spend on the happiest day of their lives, but how much we spend on five course dinners is really a matter of taste and budget. Much of the cost cutting can come from drawing up a smaller list of guests. This is often not possible to do, and when parents pick up a good part of the tab, it's fair to have their friends in droves. It's their party too.<br /><br />But if it's your tab, it's your guest list and a smaller budget wedding can be glorious.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-68432038448517273542009-02-07T18:36:00.000-08:002009-02-23T19:52:51.290-08:00Beware Ceremony LecturesI interviewed a couple this afternoon who described the worst wedding they ever attended was when the priest reminded the congregation on the wedding day that only 50% of marriages survive. Now I'm sure he meant to set a tone of the seriousness of marriage or of making a commitment, but in fact this statement is better said as private counsel to the couple.<br /><br />This slip of the tongue set a downbeat tone, one of fear, and only a sad reminder of how hard marriage can be. And it's not that this is a lie. Marriage is not easy. But wedding ceremonies are an opportunity for gratitude, for celebrating the joy of what they have with each other. The vows are solemn enough and when done with sincerity are memorable. <br /><br />The general American statistics on divorce have nothing to do with this couple standing before the priest. He may as well tell them that 55 % of American men and women are overweight. Will that mean they'll eat healthier food and exercise? Reminding them of the divorce rate may actually be soothing: "so if this doesn't work out, we won't be any worse than half the population!"<br /><br />A marriage is an awesome celebration. If people are prepared they will go in with their eyes open and weather the storms. If they're too immature to face the road ahead, a lecture during the ceremony won't help. Speak of the promise, the hope, the many benefits of this union. Or just try to stay skinny for the next 50 years.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-72085200650925113662009-02-05T20:24:00.000-08:002009-02-05T20:36:23.566-08:00Summer weddingsOh it feels so good to say that! It's going down to 4 degrees in Boston this February night and a summer wedding is on my mind. I just love talking to people about their July wedding and how they plan to have a rain and/or heat plan to change to the indoors at the last minute.<br /><br />And while we're on the subject, we actually have more weddings in September and October and November in the greater Boston area than June, July and August. Why? It's the beautiful autumns in the Northeast and it generally doesn't get too hot for the outdoors. My clients book September first every year, and often a full year or more ahead.<br /><br />And while we're on the subject, I've been getting flooded this winter with calls for interviews. Why? There's a nice article in <span style="font-style:italic;">Boston Weddings Magazine</span> that has brought unsolicited publicity. I didn't say unappreciated!<br />Check it out: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/weddings/articles/the_experts3/page2.<br /><br /><br />Anyway, summer will be here soon. Just four more months!!elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-37173760161698384362009-02-01T10:28:00.000-08:002009-02-01T10:47:59.127-08:00The New York Times WeddingsI read them every week, those stories with pictures and sometimes video clips of newlyweds and their wedding pictures. They're a fun read and the couples are usually interesting, providing a mirror into why we pick the ones we pick (or why we succumb to Cupid's ploy).<br /><br />Many stories involve complex mishaps, or long runs of dry periods where each or one was uncertain. It's surprising how many people marry for the first time in their forties, but New York is a haven for young professionals who turn into single middle aged professionals, like overnight it seems.<br /><br />And their stories are rewarding in that the people never give up. For most of them natural childbirth won't happen, but adoption may and this is good. What matters most is the strength that society reaps from these unions. The power of an aligned and loving couple who trust one another enough to make such a lifetime commitment can't be measured. I remember saying when I married that my husband and I were of a second marriage age, but a first marriage couple. He was 45 and I was 33.<br /><br />Is there a downside to getting married in your mid-forties? Aside from having passed a healthy child-bearing age, I don't see anything but an upside. Keeping the dream alive and making the courageous leap into the solemn promise to one imperfect person just like yourself is an asset to your character. Never give up. There is always someone out there for you, not just anybody, but your destiny.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2613153076845237358.post-3564005836577130762009-01-30T19:39:00.000-08:002009-01-30T19:56:20.023-08:00You're still getting marriedOne thing for sure, people do not stop getting married in a recession. But what I can't predict right now is how big and fancy the weddings will be. Some of the couples I meet are having slightly grand affairs, but grand for me is not the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan. <br /><br />My prices don't vary much with the economy since they are fairly standard for the service I provide. Cost cutting seems to be in the catering area and perhaps the videographers are losing some business. I've spoken with couples who will use a family member to capture those moments.<br /><br />However, there are a few brides I've met recently who are having only the Maid of Honor and Best Man, no other bridal party. This is a cost cutter, especially for the would be bridesmaids and groomsmen. <br /><br />My own wedding cost $2000 and included 60 guests in an outdoor setting of a home we were already renting for the summer. We had bagels and cold cuts to eat, champagne and wine and beer and a carrot wedding cake with white roses atop (real ones you don't eat). That was in the days when people didn't splurge as much. We had no professional photographer since we had so many talented artsy friends who took the pictures and sent them to us. My dress was an antique from 1910 purchased for $50 from a shop on Amsterdam Avenue on the Upper West Side of New York. <br /><br />But enough of reminiscence. The jury is out on wedding costs for 2009. I'll report on this later, but honestly, I don't ask people their entire budget. I can tell by other signals and this should be an interesting year.elly jacksonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00377762425907784300noreply@blogger.com0