Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson

Once more with feeling

2010-09-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

Oooops! We don't get to do a wedding ceremony over (not to this person on this day). When we're in it, this is IT!!

As much as I love the whole event of wedding ceremonies, moment to moment, from Good Afternoon to Ladies and Gentlemen, please greet the newlyweds, I hold the centerpiece as truly "all that there is". This centerpiece comprises the Asking, the Vows and the Ring Vows. These are traditional (but also very customizable) and are heard worldwide every day in all languages, and in both civic and religious customs.

It is here where we are the most intimate, where I tell my couples that I disappear (metaphorically) and where they alone generate the meaning, the presence and the depths of their words and gestures to each other. This is also the most nerve wracking part of the ceremony for some couples. Why?

The moment of saying these words reaches deep down to the soul and reverberates the gravity of a life long promise. It's tempting to cry (mostly it just cannot be avoided). Fear of crying, however, can destroy the beauty and feeling of this moment. Suppressing tears with all your might may not even work, but if it does it may give you unintended consequences, like rote, wooden reciting.

Tip: appreciate the depth of feeling. Let it be there. Ninety nine out of a hundred times the tears may be in the eyes and in the voice a tiny bit, but you will not have a meltdown in front of your beloved, your family and friends. I've never seen it. However, I have seen readers fall apart, loving friends or siblings who are simply overwhelmed and make it through half the reading, stop and cry and go on. It's not a problem. The joy of a wedding has to have tears in the background. These are not sad tears, but they come from a well of gratitude to have this gift in our midst. Let it happen; you can suck it up when your toasts happen at the reception.

Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: The lifetime road to love

2010-08-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: The lifetime road to love

The lifetime road to love

2010-08-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote out of the box for an upcoming ceremony. I actually remembered that I, too, have a marriage, a long one, and experience to draw upon directly. I withhold advice from my weddings in fear that it will sound too much like “elder” scolding.

I have had couples tell me of weddings they’ve seen where the preacher lectured the couple on the divorce rate, during their wedding ceremony. Thus, I have attempted to keep my words strictly upbeat. Who wants to be reminded of the risks on that special day?

But yesterday, when writing the concluding blessing and declaration of marriage, the last words I say before announcing the couple as newlyweds, I wrote something entirely new and completely true to what I know. It may be perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned in 33 years of marriage.

Remember this through the years, as love itself never changes, just the world around it to teach you over and over what love really is. What your particular love will come to mean is beyond predicting, but you will know, just as you somehow knew when you first loved each other. May you honor this adventure always.

What did this come from? The subject of love is more written about than any subject on earth. What did I learn about love? I remember ten years ago when my husband told me that he didn’t feel any love for me anymore. I told him that love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Feelings will follow if the choice is sincere. That’s why we make promises at the ceremony: in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, in joy and in sorrow are very real and will predictably happen, if only briefly in some cases.

And then we redefine what love is, out of having made a commitment and sticking with it. This is my road to myself, to awakening, to becoming the spiritual body of my ideals, to being fully human at last.

All adventures are risks. We can’t live without them. It’s all good.

Cultural Customs

2010-06-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Some ceremonies are just that---ceremonial, as in austere, as in the processional for English monarchs. And some are less magisterial, more truly celebratory, and perhaps even a little raucous.

A few weeks ago I officiated a wedding between two Russian born sweethearts and everyone's entrance, bridesmaids, flower girls and of course the bride and groom, was greeted with joyous and resounding applause. This actually had a calming effect on the couple. They were applauded upon their very entrance and well before the vows, so they didn't have to perform or prove themselves. Their family and friends were raving just at their sight.

For all the preparation I promote between the couple before their ceremony, the one last thing I say to them (and specifically to this couple, who were forced to start 30 minutes late), is to just be "present" for each other, to be aware that they are living breathing beings, not performers attempting to fulfill some standard expectation. These two were front and center for each other.

Here they are: Tanya and Ilya:

Outdoor Ceremonies and PLAN B

2010-06-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

I've written about this several times, but it bears a second say: Ensure that your Plan B is equally appropriate and valuable to your ceremony setting. If your venue shift to indoors is sketchy, if there is a compromise on guest comfort, sound or visual accommodation, do not book that venue. From April through November, on the East Coast, outdoors is a 50/50 gamble, particularly in the summer months. Garden weddings are lovely ideas, but the indoor wedding ceremony has creature comforts that trump the wonderful gifts of nature: bugs, wind, rain, scalding hot sun, stultifying humidity, dangerous lightning.

I'm not sour on outdoor ceremonies. When the stars align, they provide an extraordinary atmosphere. My own wedding, over thirty years ago, was outdoors in June. We got all the way to ...by the authority I hold from the State of New York...and the sky opened up. We were truly lucky. Last June I officiated a wedding where we completed the vows, but not the ring exchange, when serious lightning and thunderstorms rolled in from nowhere, and we had to run 500 feet to the reception "barn" to complete the ceremony.

It's a very hard call when the weather looks like it could go either way, but bottom line: love your plan B to make the decision easier on you on a day already filled with extraordinary tension and anticipation.

Different Vows

2010-03-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

In developing wedding scripts with couples, I send each partner a questionnaire so I can draft their love story, and I recently added a piece at the bottom where they tell me what vows they want from the dozen I sent them. Since they fill out the questionnaires separately and are asked not to work on them together, I've gotten back different vows selections from each party.

This means if I honor their wishes, each will speak their own choice of vows to the other. So, please repeat after me will not be the same. I'm perplexed right now since I used to have them consult on this, but with the new questionnaire, their choices are divergent.

Frankly, I like the unique vows, since couples who compose their own vows almost always write something unique to them. Last fall I even had one groom who whispered his vows to his bride.

I'm curious how this will finally play out in the coming months. We get used to hearing fairly standard vows and the same ones for each partner, but that assumes we all think homogeneously. We don't. Feel free to comment. What do you think?

Same Sex Marriage is The Same

2010-02-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am in Massachusetts where this civi right has been legal since May 17th, 2004. My next two weddings are between two men, one couple coming in next week from Melbourne, Australia, and the other two coming up in late March from Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

There's one thing very important that many of my same sex couples have taught me, and surely without their even knowing it: they are no different, not in their need to follow tradition, not in their need to have their love front and center, not in their need to express gratitude for the nurturing and values given them from friends and family.

But most palpable in the sameness to opposite sex marriages is their knowing the privilege of their commitment, the seriousness of their vows, and the confidence of having the institution of marriage provide a platform of trust for each of them to grow and flourish throughout their lives. Even the intention to have children is a big part of many same sex couples' intentional future.

We're all still working on the language: I now pronounce you husband and husband/wife and wife/spouses? But that's just fooling around with the word search: the center of it all is the honor it is to be so included and so respected. I can't for the life of me picture a state in the union without s-s marriage in another ten years. May I never lose my rose-colored glasses.

Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: Small and Beautiful

2009-11-29T09:13:00.000-08:00

http://www.facebook.com/ellen.jackson3

Small and Beautiful

2009-11-29T08:42:00.000-08:00

I have at least three weddings a year that come in (very) last minute and I generally love them. Last year I married a couple on December 16th in the Boston Common, having met them for ten minutes in the lobby of the Four Seasons.

This year there was a ceremony on Valentine's Day with a Russian couple in my home. The bride came in with a resplendent wedding gown, and the groom brought a photographer friend, his parents and grandmother, and a skeptical son from a previous marriage. Usually these tiny weddings are over and out within a half hour. But this was different.

The Russians are a friendly people. After the ceremony, the bride went back up to my bedroom to change for the subsequent lunch downtown. The groom's grandmother spoke only Russian, but found a way to thank me through her daughter's translation. The groom's father told of having lived in St. Petersburg and emigrating to the US in the 1980s.

Laughter filled the kitchen and dining room for over an hour.

Last night I married a couple who showed up ten days ago looking for a ceremony with only parents and sibling invited. We briefly discussed how to set up their dining room in case there were wedding crashers. (I have rarely done a wedding that was meant for only two and didn't add at least a dozen). Two days after we met, the groom said "plan for twenty". Their friends came in from everywhere. The house, which I had expected to be nice enough, but more likely last minute chic, was as impeccably organized as any professional wedding venue I have seen, the bride wore the wedding dress she had purchased for the repeat big ceremony they were planning for next summer, and the candles, flowers and light food and drink were so beautifully coordinated that this could have been at any high end chalet.

I am not voting on wedding size. This couple has at least another hundred friends they would like to have included. But it amazes me the ingenuity of two people who are determined to marry and to have the moment count, no matter the number of guests.

Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: Nervous grooms

2009-11-12T21:29:00.000-08:00

Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: Nervous grooms

Nervous grooms

2009-11-02T17:40:00.000-08:00

Last evening I had the pleasure and privilege of sitting down with a nervous groom for almost 30 minutes before we began the ceremony. This is a man in his mid-thirties, well-educated, confident, easy-going, great sense of humor. But when his buddies started to arrive, even they were asking: "Are you OK?"

He told them he was, but in a quiet little corner, he confessed to me that he was nervous. But this was not the simple nervous of "I have to say those words and smile in front of all those people". This was deep within his bones: his life was changing in a matter of minutes; this was real, as in stepping up to the plate and taking on the weight of combining his life with another human being as imperfect as he is. Making promises he would keep, and someday discovering their nuance, ambiguity, and power to take him through suffering he can't imagine at this moment. This was not a dress rehearsal for a soap opera drama.

Many grooms appear placid and under control, but more often than not, they are barely masking not only their nerves, but also their vulnerability. I have witnessed more grooms than brides with tears in their throat (and streaming down their faces). This is one of the few times in his life that a man has permission to be moved to tears. It's this rush of energy, feeling like nerves, invigorated by passion and anxiety, that courses through his veins and brings him to that humble place: I can choose another without knowing the final outcome, but allow for any possibility along the road of my life with my beloved. I can and will choose freely and in good faith.

That's enough energy to make me nervous for any groom.

Fun Ceremonies and the Boundaries of Good Taste

2009-10-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Many of you by now have seen that viral wedding video on YouTube where the wedding party and the bride and groom came down the aisle doing hip hop dancing. I read the comments and found post after post congratulating the couple on such a choice.

I have my own taste in wedding ceremonies and dancing hip hop down the aisle is not high on my list of good options. Receptions are for letting it all hang out.

But more importantly, what was there in this video which pulled so much positive response? What does this say about the very traditional church ceremonies? Yes, this bride and groom were iconoclasts, but what ritual did they want to shatter? Shock and awe may be one explanation, or it may have been even simpler: wedding ceremonies don't have to be somber and boring. After all, wedding ceremonies are about celebrating love and joy, solemnizing commitment, but not about assuming a dreaded ball and chain.

From my vantage point having conducted many ceremonies with people of all faiths, including agnostics and atheists inter-marrying practicing Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and more, it seems everyone wants something intimate, human, touching, but not saccharine, or preachy. When it's human, sensitive and intimate, the fun can come from the couple themselves, what poetry they choose, what vows are personal and meaningful to them. Genuine laughter in a wedding ceremony is a recognizable quality of reality and brings all of us in to the human story. We do not have to shock and awe to shake up tradition. It was an experiment that may have said more about who responded than about this particular couple.

There's a hunger out there for a personal spirituality, for having the God of our understanding as a loving and gracious entity.

God is not dead

2009-08-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

Last evening on the rare occasion of attending the reception of one of the weddings I perform, I had an interesting conversation with a guest of my own generation. He was apologetic for broaching the subject: "You did a wonderful job, but....."

How did I come to be in demand, he wondered, and why have so many young adults abandoned their religion? And finally, he wondered what would become of the next generation to follow? Would religion itself disappear in 25 years? Since I drink only Diet Coke, I was awake enough to take this in.

He actually wanted to discuss his own relationship with God, and ultimately his own death. Now in the third half of life, having left behind his own Catholic upbringing perhaps 40 years ago ("I was rebellious"), he questioned the shifts of the past several decades in how people practice and express their spiritual life without a particular institutionalized religion. He queried whether or not he should have a traditional Catholic Mass for his funeral---he hoped at least 25 years from now!

This conversation took place with a fabulous and loud dance band as background. I couldn't treat it lightly, but the atmosphere was not conducive to a respectfully serious discussion. I'll spare my readers what I said, but summarize it today, in the warm light of a sunny summer Sunday. This generation of twenty and thirty and forty somethings may be the most spiritually connected generations than we ever knew prior to 1965.

God is alive and well for those who know it in their hearts and live their faith in their deeds, but not necessarily in their belief in any dogma, or even in the notion of God as an entity. This is true for those who practice religion as well as those who have left that practice behind. The next generations after this one will have the minds and hearts of all human beings. And when we die, we will likely have already met our "Maker" days before the funeral. That event is for the survivors. Have a Mass or have a memorial tribute, so long as it lifts up the family and friends and honors the gift of having had a life itself.

Rained Out

2009-07-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

Hello out there and it's been a long time gone!!

Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!

On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather.

We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover.

Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Do weddings honestly reflect marriages?

2009-06-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

A couple once told me about a priest who lectured another couple during the ceremony on their likelihood of divorce. He gave them all the warnings and made sure they had a list of do's and don't's in order to have success.

Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?

I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).

But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?

Engaging

2009-05-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

How should a wedding ceremony engage your wedding guests? Engaged is a really good word here. You become engaged which means you have created a bond, a promise of a wedding in the usually near-future. The word also means involved, but committed is the strongest indicator that two people are not just a dating couple but a seriously committed couple.

As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love.

This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through you.

Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.

weddings, recessions, budgets and smart spending

2009-05-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

Are weddings recession proof? Of course not and why should they be?

But there is one advantage with a wedding: when savings have been set aside, there is money designated for the dream wedding. When money has not been set aside (we didn't do this 30+ years ago), a recession will sometimes dramatically affect how much you spend.

Many recent brides and grooms have told me lately that they can bargain with venues, caterers, photographers, florists and musicians. In my work I have met some of the best in the industry, particularly photographers and musicians, and I hate to see them suffer (they are artists, after all). But how do you decide where to let go of the purse strings and where to hold back?

Rule #1: Please yourself first. If your mother's three brothers and your fiance's father would be shocked at a wedding with under a hundred guests, DO IT anyway! Head count is vital to cost control.

Rule #2: Small things get noticed and they matter. A simple vase of white roses on a table with photos of the two of you as children will draw everyone's attention. We all grow up and sooner or later fall in love. Who would have thought that little boy with the floppy ears would turn out so handsome, especially in a tux?

Rule #3: The ceremony is the point and the reception is the after-party. If you can splurge anywhere, give yourself a violinist for your ceremony and let the DJ do the reception. If you're in a large city like Boston, call one of our many music schools and you'll find extraordinary talent and really good rates.

Rule #4: Do you have to have Vera Wang because your closest friends will know (Wang gowns are gorgeous) or can you take the time you need to look around at what makes you feel great, look great, and won't cost you six months of your rent?

Rule #5: Set the boundaries on the overruns. I have persuaded brides to get the violinist (or a string quartet) instead of the iPod, but it was up to the both groom and bride to say--yes, this is worth it and no, that is not.

Well, another homespun list from another unsolicited advisor, but I just couldn't help it. Recessions don't have to spoil the joy and pleasure of your great day!

Same Sex Marriage

2009-04-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

I am convinced that this will be remembered in history as a civil rights issue that was finally won in a federal overturning of the DOMA law around 2020. Once Iowa joined the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and then Vermont joined in by a legislature vote, the momentum arrived for the voice of the people of all sexual orientations to speak up.

As a former educator in a university, I had the task of reading hundreds of student essays on civil rights and marginalization. It was an eye opener. One year I had my students choose their focus on any civil rights issue. We had been reading James Baldwin and MLK, but their essays could address any related subject relevant to them. Perhaps 20% of them wrote about gay equality. And these were probably straight young adults. (I don't ask nor do I care what orientation people have). There was one openly gay student and he wrote about something else.

It was then I knew that the millennial generation has no issue around this civil right.

I conduct same sex marriage ceremonies (about 10-15% of all my weddings) and they are an honor to perform, and it all started with moving to Massachusetts in 2005. I look forward to more states coming on board (go new York!). The sky hasn't fallen in the Commonwealth here, and it won't fall anywhere else.

The Authentic Ceremony

2009-04-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

Why is authenticity so important in a wedding? Romance is what we all enjoy, reading about it, watching it in film and on TV and celebrating it in a wedding. But romance comes long before commitment and it's choosing another, committing to another that makes the wedding authentic (and does the same for the marriage itself). Romance is the trigger and commitment makes us adults. And the words we use make all the difference.

I officiated a wedding this afternoon for a couple who wrote lengthy tributes about each other (which I edited for reading at the ceremony) and neither of them saw nor read what the other had said. They heard each other's tribute simultaneously with their guests. Everyone was moved by their words, by the truthful, humorous and clearly wise observations they each had of the other.

They found vows as well that were specific to their own commitment, beautiful, frank and not your everyday wedding vows.

I believe that a wedding ceremony can re-ignite the rich experience of what love is to everyone you invite. The more inclusive we are in our love and in our sharing its full and practical picture, the more we open ourselves to our friends and family. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes the same village to embrace and support a marriage. The words we say on our wedding day are our promises to keep. Words matter.

The Art of Pleasing Everybody

2009-03-28T09:42:00.001-07:00

Yes, you can actually do it. How? Please yourself.

Since my officiant work is almost exclusively interfaith, I hear lots of stories of how this parent or grandparent might be offended if a particular religious practice is not done at the ceremony. But just today a groom told me how his Catholic mother would love to see something echoing her religious beliefs, but that in fact she only wants him to be happy, and she knows his choice of leaving his religion behind has not altered his behavior: he's still a son of great character.

Your wedding day is by its very nature an expression of your spiritual personality, not necessarily of your religious practice. Loving another human being enough to commit to a lifetime of shared efforts, joys and sacrifices, as well as bringing children in to the world, is a spiritual undertaking like no other. It will test you in the crucible of the direct human experience of forgiveness, compassion and humility. These are issues of spirit, and this is precisely why all good marriages strengthen everyone in a community.

Own your spiritual being, with its still small voice of conscience. This means please yourself for your ceremony based on your values and on your view of love in the world. All of us understand this in our hearts, no matter our religion.

Weddings are recession proof

2009-02-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

Well, that DEPENDS you might say. Very elaborate, expensive weddings will still happen among those who have saved for the event, or among the wealthy. But in my dealings with couples, I've seen an occasional paring down of their wedding budgets. Like? One bride said: "We were having 150 guests, but we're working on it to get it to no more than 90".

This is a huge savings. I married a couple last summer in the Boston Public Garden who wanted just the three of us, but over a dozen friends and family slowed up anyway. They had bought a house together and felt they just couldn't pay for a wedding as well.

People should spend on the happiest day of their lives, but how much we spend on five course dinners is really a matter of taste and budget. Much of the cost cutting can come from drawing up a smaller list of guests. This is often not possible to do, and when parents pick up a good part of the tab, it's fair to have their friends in droves. It's their party too.

But if it's your tab, it's your guest list and a smaller budget wedding can be glorious.

Beware Ceremony Lectures

2009-02-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

I interviewed a couple this afternoon who described the worst wedding they ever attended was when the priest reminded the congregation on the wedding day that only 50% of marriages survive. Now I'm sure he meant to set a tone of the seriousness of marriage or of making a commitment, but in fact this statement is better said as private counsel to the couple.

This slip of the tongue set a downbeat tone, one of fear, and only a sad reminder of how hard marriage can be. And it's not that this is a lie. Marriage is not easy. But wedding ceremonies are an opportunity for gratitude, for celebrating the joy of what they have with each other. The vows are solemn enough and when done with sincerity are memorable.

The general American statistics on divorce have nothing to do with this couple standing before the priest. He may as well tell them that 55 % of American men and women are overweight. Will that mean they'll eat healthier food and exercise? Reminding them of the divorce rate may actually be soothing: "so if this doesn't work out, we won't be any worse than half the population!"

A marriage is an awesome celebration. If people are prepared they will go in with their eyes open and weather the storms. If they're too immature to face the road ahead, a lecture during the ceremony won't help. Speak of the promise, the hope, the many benefits of this union. Or just try to stay skinny for the next 50 years.

Summer weddings

2009-02-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

Oh it feels so good to say that! It's going down to 4 degrees in Boston this February night and a summer wedding is on my mind. I just love talking to people about their July wedding and how they plan to have a rain and/or heat plan to change to the indoors at the last minute.

And while we're on the subject, we actually have more weddings in September and October and November in the greater Boston area than June, July and August. Why? It's the beautiful autumns in the Northeast and it generally doesn't get too hot for the outdoors. My clients book September first every year, and often a full year or more ahead.

And while we're on the subject, I've been getting flooded this winter with calls for interviews. Why? There's a nice article in Boston Weddings Magazine that has brought unsolicited publicity. I didn't say unappreciated!
Check it out: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/weddings/articles/the_experts3/page2.

Anyway, summer will be here soon. Just four more months!!

The New York Times Weddings

2009-02-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

I read them every week, those stories with pictures and sometimes video clips of newlyweds and their wedding pictures. They're a fun read and the couples are usually interesting, providing a mirror into why we pick the ones we pick (or why we succumb to Cupid's ploy).

Many stories involve complex mishaps, or long runs of dry periods where each or one was uncertain. It's surprising how many people marry for the first time in their forties, but New York is a haven for young professionals who turn into single middle aged professionals, like overnight it seems.

And their stories are rewarding in that the people never give up. For most of them natural childbirth won't happen, but adoption may and this is good. What matters most is the strength that society reaps from these unions. The power of an aligned and loving couple who trust one another enough to make such a lifetime commitment can't be measured. I remember saying when I married that my husband and I were of a second marriage age, but a first marriage couple. He was 45 and I was 33.

Is there a downside to getting married in your mid-forties? Aside from having passed a healthy child-bearing age, I don't see anything but an upside. Keeping the dream alive and making the courageous leap into the solemn promise to one imperfect person just like yourself is an asset to your character. Never give up. There is always someone out there for you, not just anybody, but your destiny.

You're still getting married

2009-01-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

One thing for sure, people do not stop getting married in a recession. But what I can't predict right now is how big and fancy the weddings will be. Some of the couples I meet are having slightly grand affairs, but grand for me is not the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan.

My prices don't vary much with the economy since they are fairly standard for the service I provide. Cost cutting seems to be in the catering area and perhaps the videographers are losing some business. I've spoken with couples who will use a family member to capture those moments.

However, there are a few brides I've met recently who are having only the Maid of Honor and Best Man, no other bridal party. This is a cost cutter, especially for the would be bridesmaids and groomsmen.

My own wedding cost $2000 and included 60 guests in an outdoor setting of a home we were already renting for the summer. We had bagels and cold cuts to eat, champagne and wine and beer and a carrot wedding cake with white roses atop (real ones you don't eat). That was in the days when people didn't splurge as much. We had no professional photographer since we had so many talented artsy friends who took the pictures and sent them to us. My dress was an antique from 1910 purchased for $50 from a shop on Amsterdam Avenue on the Upper West Side of New York.

But enough of reminiscence. The jury is out on wedding costs for 2009. I'll report on this later, but honestly, I don't ask people their entire budget. I can tell by other signals and this should be an interesting year.

Writing Your Own Vows

2008-11-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

I did a wedding last evening that really inspired me to encourage my couples to write their own vows. These were young, shy people, who wrote absolutely gorgeously of their love for one another. In my letter back to them today (I send my couples a keepsake of their ceremony script), I told them how we the listeners, those of us witnessing their wedding, longed to hear authentic love spoken and articulated. I even said: "We're hungry for it."

So those of you out there who are shy about your writing ability, I say: Yes, you can do it. Be authentic and it will melt your lover's heart and lift your guests to the ceiling. I'm still flying.

Vows with a punch

2008-09-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have performed perhaps my sixtieth wedding a few hours ago, but this time I witnessed the saying of vows with more punch, more uninhibited respect than I've ever heard said anywhere. Shannon and Russ are a couple who call themselves soul-mates. I've heard this before from a few other couples, but there are elements of this couple's story that speaks to a destiny that may have originated in a past life (or two).

These two were robust in their vows, direct, excited and committed from the bottom of their feet to the tops of their heads to make the meaning come through and let the world know this is for them as real as real will ever get. I have a theatre background and I've played the role of Juliet and seen the Shakespearean play many times. I've always heard the famous words resound with a piercing force only Shakespeare could give young lovers: "It is the east and Juliet is the sun!"

Shannon and Russ are hardly children (like the young teens in Romeo and Juliet) and they've been together four years already. But their passion for the vows was unlike any I've heard. For these two were not afraid to speak from the deepest corners of their souls and to let the world quake with the energy of their inner life. Both of them crying and deeply moved by the import of their moment, they pushed past their quavering nerves and free-flowing tears and made the vows memorable. What an extraordinary privilege to witness their marriage.

Notes from The Celebrant Foundation

2008-08-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

Say “I Do” To A Personalized Wedding Ceremony

Your wedding day is one of the most personal and cherished days of your life. Your wedding ceremony itself should be just as personal. Every aspect of it, from readings to music to symbolism, should be a reflection of you, your betrothed, and the bond that you share.

“To make this day truly your own, rejoice in everything that makes your union unique,” says Charlotte Eulette, National Director, Celebrant USA Foundation. “Express yourself among family and friends through a personalized ceremony.”
Here are several ways from the Celebrant USA Foundation to make your ceremony unique to you:

Tell your personal story: Share the story of how you met and why you fell in love. What were the first words you said to each other? Where was your first date? How did the proposal happen? What actions of the other say I love you? What does your partner do that always makes you laugh? Your Celebrant can include these words in the introduction or elsewhere in the ceremony.

Interview your family and friends: Include their anecdotes, wishes and advice in the body of the ceremony.

Honor the Presenter: If one or both of you will be presented in marriage, take this time to reflect on what this relationship means to you. Have your Celebrant include words of homage, amusing stories, and thanks.

Beyond “Here Comes the Bride”: If the traditional wedding music doesn’t appeal to you, include songs or music that have created the soundtrack to your relationship.

Celebrate Your Heritage: Make a list of your respective ethnic, cultural or religious backgrounds. Research wedding rituals, poets and music from these traditions and create a distinctive blend of words and symbols. Honor both your backgrounds and the ceremony will reflect your unique partnership.

Something New: Borrow freely from the rich wedding customs around the world. You don’t need to belong to a particular culture or religion for its rituals to have meaning. Such rituals have been performed for hundreds or thousands of years because they resonate with universal truths about marriage.

The Celebrant USA Foundation is a non-profit educational institution dedicated to helping families personalize celebrations that mark life’s milestones. Founded thirty years ago in Australia, Celebrants have performed over one million weddings worldwide.

Celebrants officiate at virtually every life event, including weddings and commitments, funerals and memorials, and baby namings and adoptions. With a focus on personalizing each ceremony to reflect the needs, beliefs and values of the couple or family, Celebrants are trained in the art of celebration, symbolism and tradition. For more information about the Celebrant Foundation or to locate a Celebrant near you, visit us at www.celebrantusa.com

Celebrant USA Foundation & Institute 93 Valley Rd Montclair, NJ 07042 973.746.1792

Kill the Runner

2008-08-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

OK, I've finally had it. Runners are OUT! I haven't seen one really successful runner happen in any wedding in the past dozen or more. Why?

Let's start with the obvious: in the outdoors weddings there is usually uneven ground and runners can slip much more easily than stay in place. And a runner that slips is a hazard to the bride. And NO ONE has the right to put the bride in such a condition on her one and only wedding day!!

They even slip in chapels. The one successful runner happened this summer when it was rolled out BEFORE even the guests were seated and then the whiteness was marred because they all got their footprints on it! But, because it was rolled out and anchored into place before the ceremony when there was time to get it correctly placed, it worked!! The royal pastiche of daintiness to have the "queenly dainty foot" step on nothing but pure white linen is a habit we should dispose of. It doesn't work.

Cancelled Wedding

2008-08-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

I recently heard from a bride whose wedding was scheduled for the early fall. I was to be their officiant and she notified me the wedding has been cancelled. The young woman apologized and said very little else, but I was moved to respond. I remember her as lovely (as was the groom-to-be). They looked like they were made to be together, a picture perfect look of compatibility.

I emailed back how I wished her well and let her know how brave and wise she is to take this action now. I know many who have known they shouldn't marry months ahead or weeks ahead, but went ahead anyway. All are divorced today. She and he must be in extraordinary pain, the kind we feel when we somehow assume we've let everyone down.

Weddings are for ourselves and for others. But marriage is not for others. The family and friends don't go home with us to our households, to our kitchens and bedrooms, to our bank accounts and our dreams and our longings and our anger, sadness, and deepest longings for true intimacy. We only know the truth of what we feel can work well very deeply inside us and we must feel that strongly in the midst of being tested. And the weeks and months leading up to a wedding are a test in itself.

So this sadness, this loss, this disappointment will pass. These two will be better off and they deserve the best their courage can provide them.

July, Oh July

2008-07-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

No excuses for not writing. Well, the wedding season is busy this year, but that's no excuse for shying away from my thousands of readers!!

I've had some interesting weddings recently and I must say summer is beginning to look less and less than ideal for outdoor ceremonies, especially in July. It used to be that I always asked for a really good back up plan against potential rain, and any good venue had it ready to go. But two weddings I did recently had to go indoors for humidity and sun, but no rain.

Now it's silly to discourage people from planning summer weddings, especially in the Northeast. Unlike Phoenix and Sarasota, we can't do outdoor weddings (comfortably) in February. But humidity and oppressive heat are part of the picture that must be considered. I suppose it comes down to how we hold this short twenty minute ceremony in priority. Make no mistake, for me those twenty minutes are everything! It's not a formality to endure on your way to the cocktail party. It's the actual words and actions that set your life on a course forever (we intend it that way, anyway).

I believe in comfort for the guests and since the 1950s when we had "air cooled" movie theatres, air conditioning in July is a God send. September and October weddings in the greater Boston area are very popular, so book it now for 2009 and keep it autumnal for comfort's sake.

I Don't Need Your Money

2008-06-21T07:14:00.001-07:00

As a career advisor, I hesitate coaching anyone into a maverick posture when they have a job offer at 20-40% less than their last paycheck, but they have the clock ticking against the three months severance from their last job and their mortgage and their child's college tuition payments are on the horizon for several more years.

BUT... It's OK to think that "I don't need this; I don't need to settle; I can keep going until I'm in a financial squeeze that compels me to take that much less".

The same is true for consulting fees. This happens when potential clients attempt to nickel and dime you. In my wedding celebrant business, I get calls from people who have seen my website and tell me they've read the range of fees for my services. On the website, I do not outline point for point where the charges break down, but if I start at the low of 250, it's strange to hear a groom tell me he's having a wedding with 100 guests at the most expensive hotel in this city and he wants to pay me no more than 150! There is nothing wrong with shopping price, but there's an image issue and a values issue here---this groom would not ask his hotel caterers to serve jello mold for dessert or ask his photographer to use discount disposables, to cut costs. It's just NOT DONE. He knows this.

I don't need his money, even though I had that weekend open this summer. At the same time, there are others who engage my services for 150. Who are they? These are people like a couple I married in May, who came to my house and in my meditation room said their vows. I gave them a keepsake copy of the standard script, took pictures for them, had fresh flowers at the front door and found small tokens to decorate the ceremony room to reflect their Latino nationality. My services were their biggest expense.

It all comes down to this: none of us needs anyone else's money, whether we're in plenty or in want. We need to earn a living and money shows up when we contribute to the greater good. So remember this, not as a defensive posture, but as an empowerment and a sign of inherent trust.

Green weddings: going organic

2008-06-09T04:57:00.000-07:00

There are occasionally organic wedding ceremonies and I witnessed (officiated) one last Saturday evening. What makes a wedding organic? It springs from the natural, and a park wedding, rain or shine is natural, especially when the temp reaches 94 degrees at 5 PM.

This wedding was originally designed to be just the bride and groom and yours truly. The photographer would snap pictures and the couple would have a party in the Fall and show the photos and tell their friends what the day was like. But something Pied Piper happened on the way to the nuptials.

And we ended up with thirty guests, including the bride's father flying in from North Carolina, and her grandmother driving in with other family from fifty miles south of the city. So as we waited for the couple to arrive from opposite ends of the park, we formed an honor guard. And then someone said the two gorgeous teenage sisters (nieces of the bride) could sing a Josh Groban song a Capella in harmony, well....you get the picture?

This was an organic wedding, the ultimate in GREEN. The grand tree facing the swan pond was decorated with battery operated votive candles (you can't bring fire into the park); we had no chairs but formed a semi-circle around the pair; by default we opened the guest list to twenty or more passersby.

We were lucky in many ways. The girls ability to sing was just the stroke of musicality that added a refinement that I would not have imagined we could add at the last minute. But there it was. Green weddings at this level are not for everyone. As hot as we were, we could easily have been chilled out and hovering beneath umbrellas. But that's how the real green weddings work. We were all there for the words, the commitment and the joy of the outdoors and all its possibilities.

Wow. It's June

2008-06-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss in my posting here; it's been several weeks since I've given myself the time to write. So what's new?

I have turned a corner in developing wedding ceremonies. Through the amazing trust and courage of several recent couples, I have written and will soon deliver their love stories without their having seen and approved the script copy before they hear my rendering for the first time.

Some of you don't know that in my officiating ceremonies, I introduce the couple and begin the ceremony unofficially by telling the gathered guests the story of this couple and how they came to be standing in our midst ready to commit to a lifelong union. Up until a few weeks ago, I wrote the ceremony and sent it back to the couple to read and approve. After all, they should hear what their guests will hear. But recently several couples have said that they wanted their beloved other's thoughts about them told to them as a surprise. And having done this once two weeks ago, I can see that it has an amazing depth of intimacy I never could have guessed.

This new trust has opened up a richer way of writing, a bolder level of speaking. The wedding ceremonies I now write get much closer to the poetry that exists within the hearts and minds of the individual people whose story I'm telling. Couples who use my services are required to answer a series of questions about themselves and each other and if they let themselves answer fully and honestly, they usually say the most exquisite things well worth telling just the way they wrote those words.

Thank you for your trust. It is my pleasure and privilege.

Fear of flying

2008-05-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

Yes. That's what it means to plan a wedding.

Most brides do their own planning and organizing and many do it without the help of a dedicated mother or sister. Some whom I meet have an amazing self-assurance, as if they have known what they want, including many of the details, for years before they became engaged.

Others are in a free fall (I was many years ago). They summon up the courage to make decisions in the face of uncertainty and they do a fine job, in spite of the temporary fear. When I ask couples what is their vision for their ceremony, they often draw a blank. The second question--what is it you don't want?---is much easier to answer. A vision sounds too big to articulate. Deciding on favors and food is discreet and direct: it tastes good or it doesn't; it looks good on a table or it doesn't.

There's one thing that planning a wedding without having had experience will teach you. If you think you have no direct road map for this extraordinary and once-in-a-lifetime event, just wait till you have your first baby. Then you're flying!!

Fun During Your Ceremony

2008-05-12T06:52:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a definition of fun, and while everyone likes to laugh, some of us push the edges of fun beyond the comfort level of others. I have never been pushed into un-fun fun. As a nondenominational wedding officiant, I have an open point of view for brides and grooms who want a "light-hearted" ceremony. The hallmark of my scripted weddings is the love story, custom written and delivered at the top of the twenty-minute time frame. I often find the funny things a couple tells me and poke fun at the foibles of falling in love.

Every wedding season, among the two dozen ceremonies I perform, I find a couple or two who are die-hard Red Sox fans and want to include a theme around their beloved team. I was interviewed for a wedding three years ago for a couple who wanted to have the game playing in the background on an over sized flat screen TV. They didn't hire me and I'm glad. Another couple last year called last minute as they were trying to secure Fenway Park for an 11 AM pre-grame wedding, but they couldn't get the permit. They didn't hire me and I was disappointed.

What is there about the Red Sox that inspires so many otherwise sane people to include them in their wedding ceremonies? For me it's this: when life is getting me down, I tune in to NECN and cheer for my "boys". It takes my attention away from whatever is grabbing me and throws my energy into the roar of the crowd and the skill of the players. I think there is a parallel to being in love: it's not easy to maintain a loving relationship (falling in love is not so hard). Belonging to Red Sox Nation is a tribal identity, one that takes you both to the same place: enthusiasm, reconciliation, and alignment. I have always marveled at couples who support the Yankees and Red Sox. These are people who know how to compromise!

Outdoor weddings and rain

2008-05-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

I posted on this before, but it's worth a second look. About a year ago, I officiated a wedding in Cape Cod, set in a country club with magnificent ocean views. We all arrived the day before and rehearsed about 24 hours ahead of the scheduled event. The rehearsal evening was cool and grey and the forecast for Saturday was ambiguous: maybe a sprinkle but cloudy and grey and no warmer than 52-54 degrees. The bride decided right then and there: rehearse indoors and close the option for the outdoors, short of a miracle.

The next day, it was 52 degrees, misty and grey and the wedding indoors was exquisite.

Why do I tell you this? For those of you planning park weddings out in the open air, separate from your reception (not on the same grounds where you can conveniently move your wedding indoors within one hundred feet), allow yourself to call the shots on the rehearsal day, rather than make last minute decisions on the wedding day itself, without a careful rehearsal for the reception room. Some months later, I officiated another ceremony planned for a lovely park view. The rehearsal day scenario was exactly the same as the Cape Cod wedding, but the bride could not be convinced to move the rehearsal to the reception area. The wedding day weather was too cool and wet and the venue was changed to the reception hall some four miles away, and three hours before the wedding.

The bride was so disappointed, she could not relax enough to follow rather simple instructions on how to adjust to the ceremony in the hall. The heart of the ceremony was still intimate, with all the right things happening after we got past the processional, but why sacrifice any part of a necessarily well-choreographed event, one requiring precision, especially when not performed in a church?

If the weather report is even bordering on bad for the wedding day, do the rehearsal in the alternative venue. Every bride deserves to be at peace and relaxed on her wedding day. Disappointment should not an option.

Wedding movies and bridal attendants

2008-04-23T04:53:00.001-07:00

Yes, there have been a few truly fine "wedding-themed" movies made in the past five years---Monsoon Wedding the one that comes to mind as exceptional. However, there are several this year that are worthy of a Friday, the 13th laugh.

Coming out in early May is one called Made of Honor. It's a man this time who gets the esteemed wedding role, only he is also a disappointed suitor who uses this opportunity to disrupt and destroy the nuptials and the future of this couple, in order to win the girl for himself. The trailer has some funny moments, but why bother with such a plot at all?

It comes down of course to what sells. If movies mostly pander to a young market, everyone sooner or later marries someone or wants to, and the pursuit of an ideal love interest will always draw attention, why not use weddings as the backdrop for all the drama?

Having a man as Maid of Honor is actually not so unusual. I have done a few weddings where the groom has women on his attendants' side and the bride has a man or two among her attendants. This is often a cherished sister or brother. It does blow the old-fashioned photo op of a long string of same clad women and a balanced string of penguin dressed men encircling the couple in the rose garden of a nearby park at sunset, but it does show a strong will to break with tradition and have the wedding party that pleases you. If that's what you want, the photographer can figure out how to pose the picture. No problem. the wedding guests surely don't care.

Just check that the guy you have standing next to you doesn't plan to murder your beloved groom.

Checking In

2008-04-18T04:18:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since I've posted here, and I apologize. I have two other blogs and they have had more attention lately.

I woke up this morning thinking about the still undeclared "recession" we're in and wondered how it's affecting the wedding industry. Since I don't follow those statistics, mostly because my role in the industry is as outsider, I can only guess where couples might be cutting back.

What's the biggest expense? Food and beverage for 150 guests is a good place to start. I remember my sister's wedding in 1959. Back in those days, most weddings were in the late morning in churches or synagogues and receptions were some hours later (often in the evening). We were very middle class, and that group did not go to hotels with sit down dinners; we went to American Legion halls or Knights of Columbus halls and had table spreads of chicken, roast beef and spaghetti. People lined up with a paper plate to serve themselves from a chafing dish.

I remembered a wedding I officiated last November where the bride told me almost apologetically that she would have food "stations" and her guests could help themselves. As it turned out, this was quite well-executed. Since each food station was in a separate corner of the reception room and each corner featured special food groups, there were no long lines anywhere. I was on a diet, so I loved serving myself excellent salad and a dollop of shrimp.

So if you're looking at cost cutting, I'm sure this was a bargain compared to waiter served plates. And weddings are a once in a lifetime expense. Cut back on other things.

Same Sex Marriages

2008-03-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

I live in Massachusetts and as such I have the freedom and the privilege to officiate for two people of the same sex. Marriage equality was passed in Massachusetts, taking effect May 17, 2004.

About 20% of my wedding ceremonies are with same sex couples. Recently I was surprised when a woman called and asked me to officiate her ceremony and before we got off the phone, she asked me somewhat apologetically if I was agreeable to solemnizing her wedding to her female partner. I say surprised because of the apology. I can only assume she has encountered discrimination and wanted to protect herself from my possible rejection of her when we met to discuss her upcoming ceremony.

I frankly believe this issue will disappear in another twenty years, but meanwhile I wish today to go on record saying that homosexuality is a private matter and as such is a fully human experience, nor more deviant than, but equally valid as, heterosexual behavior.

The couples I've wed have had children together, parented adopted children together, built businesses together and contributed mightily to their communities together. They have, in short, done exactly the same as opposite sex couples. It's time to get over this as a nation. Massachusetts is a great example of how heterosexual marriages were not threatened nor were they diminished when the laws were passed and executed here in 2004. Freedom for one segment of society is not at the expense of any other segment when we look squarely at the truth. To all same sex couples looking to honor your relationship in a committed legal contract: welcome and please don't apologize.

Eye contact

2008-03-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

After enough ceremonies to notice how nerves can overtake a ceremony flow, I want to suggest a simple avenue to relaxation: after you take a deep breath, look at someone, anyone, to keep yourself focused and calm.

The most obvious eyes to gaze into would be your groom (or bride), but not necessarily so. After all, this is a historic moment, and you both may be feeling jittery. In my work as an officiant, at the beginning of the ceremony, before the official words are spoken, I look at the parents sitting in the first row: they have an emotional bond and a field of gratitude for having this day come to pass. Of course they also feel included---eye contact creates its own special bond.

With the bride and groom I tell them to look at each other during their vows. These are promises you make to each other, not to your officiant. Sometimes the couple fears this: what if I cry? Yes, what if? What's wrong with crying? Your heart is full and you know the deep value of your words, the sincerity of your intention. The other suggestion I make is that if the nerves overwhelm you, look at me: I'll bring you back to yourself.

What's the point of eye contact? The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the soul of those who love you has no nerves, only free space. It's this place of peace, of openness that we look for in a ceremony. The eyes have it.

Wedding nerves

2008-03-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

I've posted on this earlier, but it bears another look. What do you do with the heightened energy that accompanies your actual wedding date? This energy is anticipatory and can go in any number of directions. How do you keep really cool and centered so that all this work and planning includes you in the loop of enjoyment? When you are in the grip of even "happy" energy, you are still in its grip.

Let's start with what's available: your mind, your heart, your physical body. It actually doesn't matter how you prioritize these: you can enter a state of calm through any of these portals. So, what to do with what:

The Mind

The mind listens to ideas, as well as follows emotions. Depending on your own learning habits and preferences, you may want to write down all last minute unfinished business, the left brained linear details. One way is to do a checklist and check off each tiny task as its completed. Decide on and cross out inessentials right away, as soon as they become evident that they just won't get done. Some of your "priorities" disappear as they become just too late for execution. Good to write them down and let them go.

The other thing to do for the mind is to journal. Though electronic documents are fine, probably it's better to have a tiny handwritten notebook, one that you can grab from anywhere close by (maybe near the bed stand) and then just let it flow. Here is where you can complain, worry, pray, whatever comes to mind as you free write all the thoughts on your mind.

You Heart

Your heart is another gateway, a portal to peace. This heart help could come from many avenues, including your loving spouse to be, your mother or father or a trusted sibling, or of course, a best friend. Any burdens to your heart will be evident to others and will be the heaviest weight of nerves to carry into your wedding day. I find that the emotional element most prevalent for brides and grooms is fear. Describing your fears (mostly irrational) is a helpful, useful way to overcome them. Notwithstanding the fear of making a mistake (which should have been evident long before the last week before the wedding ceremony) is the simple fear of flubbing up a ceremony, or encountering unruly behavior at a reception. These are rare occurrences, but the fear of them is real. Talk them out and put them in the "irrational thinking" bucket where they can disappear into space.

Your Body

This may be the easiest portal to take care of both the mind and the heart. Just as your endorphins get charged up in the gym and lighten up your mood when you exercise, so also does this happen to dissipate a worried mind or a frightened heart. I see many brides and grooms hit the champaigne before walking down the aisle, a way to combat performance anxiety, but I've also seen a fainting groom whose small dose of alcohol took over an empty stomach and turned the wedding video into an almost solo bride performance. Trust yourself to be your most relaxed: do yoga, ride a bike, stretch, do sit ups, get to the gym at 6 AM: do what it takes to move the body.The endorphins will work in your favor if you take the time to exercise their benefits.

All of this is helpful to give you back the joy you planned for others and can reap for yourself. This is one of the two or three happiest days in your life. It's your joy and pleasure for the taking.

Long marriages

2008-03-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

OK, this post is not about your wedding, but about your marriage.

I've been married a long time (over thirty years), and I have a few things to say.

One: there's no formula for a "good" marriage. Some of us hold hands in our twenties and do less and less of it after the kids come along and life gets hectic. It does not mean love has walked out the window, UNLESS it is the clear indicator of the tip of the iceberg.

Two: there will be trials, maybe way more than we ever imagined. Trials are supposed to happen, though we over-romanticize how perfect our beloved other should be. It's not that you will have trials; it's how you learn to meet them together.

Three: your roles could easily reverse. We all assume roles in a family---we have to in order to organize the flow and meaning of our lives. BUT you are not your role and one way to achieve personal growth is to walk fully in your partners' shoes. Role switching is discomforting at first, but take away the fear/doubt factor (not so easy, mind you), and it can be done. Some Iraq spouses have learned this and many are much stronger for having stretched themselves so far and with such loneliness.

Four: no one is perfect, especially not your spouse, and he or she will not complete (or make better) your inadequate childhood. As much as I want to be more assertive like my husband, I have deeply embedded restraints and can't hide them behind his lack of inhibition.

Five: it takes a village to raise a child and it sometimes takes a network of good friends (and perhaps a very good therapist) to remind you that marriage is a partnership requiring communication: talk, talk, talk. No, I didn't say complain; I said talk.

So, there's just a few thoughts for the day. Don't be afraid. We all only live a day at a time, anyway. I don't know how I made it this far, except by trial and error. But therein lies the point: allow the trials and appreciate the errors. They are the opportunities for a strong foundation, which you and I are building every day of a marriage.

Wedding parties

2008-02-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

No, not the kind where you serve wine and cheese, but the group of people we formally call your attendants.

I met a recent bride to be who has a good way to keep it simple, but include many loved ones in her ceremony. She's having five close female friends walk down the aisle in the processional, but only her two sisters are flanking her at her side for the ceremony. This way her attendants are signified as her special group but her sisters have the formal post to hold up during the actual nuptials.

Receptions and your officiant

2008-02-23T19:05:00.000-08:00

I have an officiant friend who was surprised and concerned about hearing from a groom that he was expecting her and her husband to come to the couples' wedding reception.

In days past when it was clergy who married almost everyone, it was not unusual for a priest, minister or rabbi to attend a wedding reception and offer a blessing before the meal. Today the rules have changed. A nondenominational minister or JP does not hold the same relationship with the couple or any close family member, so the pastoral role is not present right from the start. However, the couple may still seek to create a bond, however fleeting, with the officiant and may want to include that person among the reception's guests.

What to do? Well, no single officiant I know is expecting an invitation. We work for you to create your ceremony. All the other events of your wedding are separate and unique, but distinct from your actual ceremony. You are not obligated to invite your officiant to your reception, but if it's very important to you, make this clear before you hire him or her. You are paying your officiant to write, rehearse and perform your ceremony. You neither need to incur extra cost to host the officiant, nor do you want to necessarily request extra time from your officiant either.

A prearranged agreement is fine, as long as all parties are comfortable. If you don't want to discuss it, assume your officiant is not expecting to be seated at any guest table after your ceremony.

Guest favors

2008-02-21T09:38:00.000-08:00

For many years, it has been tradition for couples to leave a favor, a memento on the reception tables for each guest ( or guest couple) to take home. I occasionally stay for receptions and have been the recipient of a variety of interesting small items. One of my favorites was a CD of romantic songs taken from the classic swing sounds of the 30s, 40s and 50s. The groom selected the songs and did the entire mix and then had it duplicated. I still play it with enthusiasm when I drive long distances.

Other mementos include small bags for selecting from a cornucopia of candies laid out movie- concession style as one exits the reception. Another is a small booklet of photos of the couple through their courtship, sometimes showing each of them back to the toddler years.

The trend that shows up in perhaps 10 to 20% of weddings is a beautifully printed note from the couple that they have made a contribution to a favorite charity on behalf of their guests. This ordinarily includes a full explanation of what this charity does and its specific importance to the couple.

So what's the right thing to do? First of all, if you are more inclined to make your memento personal, go ahead. On the other hand, if you're inclined to make a statement by giving to a charity on behalf of your guests, don't be embarrassed to do that, either. No one, other than a five year old, is expecting a guest favor. Personally, I'm happy enough to receive a seating table number. Everything else is icing on the cake.

There is even a third alternative: you may do both! If the personal favor is so costly that the charitable contribution would be too small to have any meaning, then you have to choose. The only caveat for the charity is that it's best if your choice is non-political (and some non-political charities are still politically charged). And if you want to go ahead with a charity that may be a challenge for some of your guests, that's still your choice to defend. But remember, there may be a guest who will make an unwelcome comment.

So you can go in either direction. No one will fault you for an edible or disposable favor, but the charitable gift requires careful thought. Go with your comfort level.

Keeping it simple

2008-02-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

If you have a busy life (who doesn't), you may wonder how you'll survive and thrive through the multiple decisions and revisions of navigating the months, weeks, and days leading up to your wedding.

How then do you keep it simple and still realize your ideals?

1. Start with trusted recommendations. The web searches can turn up terrific people (I get many weddings that way), but it's much easier to start with people who have already proven themselves to people you trust.

2. Get someone whose judgement you trust to get on the phone and do a little prescreening for you. I spoke last weekend with the sister of a bride who was doing the early legwork for her sibling. What a gift!

3. Follow your instincts. Any vendor who stirs you positively is probably the one you'll choose. If you're really squeezed for budget, then interview for budget, but don't put quality on the back burner just to save 20%. You get what you pay for, and you won't do this wedding a second time.

4. At some point, perhaps as soon as a week or two before the wedding, go somewhere for pure TLC. That's counterintuitive. Most of us think we'll relax on the honeymoon or the three days we take off from work right after the wedding, but by then you may be truly frazzled. If all you can afford is a few hours in a hot tub, a 90 minute massage, a steam room combined with an afternoon in the pool at the Y, book it and do it.

5. I have a colleague who is a nondenominational minister as well as a yoga instructor. Edi Pasalis calls her profession I Do Yoga and she can be found on the web. Edi understands the importance of being in a peaceful space for the opening to a joyful wedding.

Bundle the ceremony with the reception

2008-02-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

Years ago, couples were married on Saturday mornings in a church or synagogue, and the day was spent traveling to a variety of scenic places for endless rolls of photos, and then the reception happened at 7 or 8 that evening. This meant that guests were expected to come to a morning event and an evening one.

There were always those who skipped the wedding ceremony, especially if it was a Catholic Mass (long and mostly impersonal). After all, Catholics still had to go to Sunday Mass either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning. But skipping the ceremony was considered a little rude.

Today if couples want a morning ceremony, they often have an early afternoon reception, and if it's a church wedding, the reception venue is very close by. Even nondenominational couples having weddings in lovely parks usually choose from an abundance of fine restaurants within a mile or two. But the important factor is this: as much as your guests love you, it's a good idea to keep the whole event closely bundled into a manageable block of hours, avoiding a second drive to anywhere new, especially in big cities (like Boston, where I live and work).

I know a young bride who last year had a wedding in one town, and a reception in another town forty miles away and starting three hours after her ceremony ended. I wasn't able to attend her event but the photos showed a wedding party looking fairly exhausted. I can only guess about her guests.

There is a flow to all this and just because you like one place for the ceremony and another place for the reception doesn't mean a big travel agenda works for anyone. No matter how exciting and joyful a wedding day can be, it also must have room to breathe and relax, and waiting in downtime works against that kind of comfort.

Dieting for your wedding

2008-02-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have mixed feelings about this, as I spent four years as a leader for Weight Watchers and witnessed a bride or two working through the extra pounds to look glorious for her special once- in- a- lifetime day.

What argues in favor? If you know you're carrying around recent extra pounds, like weight gained in the past two years (or fewer), and you know it's due to stress eating, bad habits, or careless indulgences that can be avoided by ignoring specific people, places and things, then it might be not such a big deal to go for the weight loss.

What argues against? If you have a chronic weight problem, are carrying more than thirty pounds over your BMI limit, and you're in a hurry to lose it fast, forget it. The stress of wedding "work" and the stress of dieting can cancel each other out.

I remember a bride in my group a few years ago who was dropping weight at the rate of four to five pounds per week. She had several months to go before the wedding, but wanted to get thirty five to forty pounds shed in total and maintain it for eight weeks before the big day. She impressed other members with her amazing losses every week. WW, however, has a policy of advising members to take off weight at the average rate of one to two pounds maximum per week. This is a healthy weight loss regimen, but argues against the quickie programs out there. My young bride was gaming the system, starving herself while using the basics of Weight Watchers. Long before she finished her regime to lose, she disappeared from the meeting. I never found out if she met her personal weight loss goal.

Bottom line is this: the stress of weddings demands you take good care of yourself every step along the way. This means getting enough food in your body to keep your moods in check, a spring in your step and energy to burn. A five to ten pound loss over eight weeks can't hurt you. Any other program should be under the strict guidance of a doctor; but in any event, you want to look like yourself at your wedding. What's the point of going through your wedding album a year later and wonder who's in those pictures?

It's all small stuff

2008-02-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

In keeping with yesterday's post, I want to revisit the need to focus on the bigger picture, including all that can be learned from taking on a wedding full speed ahead.

It's good to remember first that weddings have a momentum, and that what looks simple and innocuous in February may become complicated and overwhelming in June (one month before your July wedding). Often there's no way to know ahead that this could happen and hence, no way to prepare for it.

We are familiar with the word "vision" from business circles, but the term and its ultimate value can be applied to our personal events and rituals as well. In my own business experience with process exercises, I have found it useful to create vision and include all possibility of potential upset as a way of anticipating the bumps in the road, and if they are out of our control, at least we know they're not buried within us as unspeakable.

When I interview couples, I ask for their vision and they often have a hard time answering. It comes clearer as we work through the ceremony development. So what does a full vision picture look like? It includes the possibility that not only rain might fall on an outdoor wedding, but a strong wind might stir up as well. This does not necessarily mean cancel that outdoor dream. It does mean that if you picture the joy and pleasure of being in either indoor or outdoor, knowing the outdoor setting is much preferred, you will avoid residual disappointment.

And once again I want to emphasize the value of talking through the challenges of "doing wedding" with your beloved intended, especially as you enter the last two weeks. Our secret suffering weighs heavily on us, and it shows up somewhere beneath the surcface, visible to many.

Getting ready for the rest of your life

2008-02-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

Probably the worst thing about preparing for a wedding is that once you get on a roll, you forget what's it's all about. This can be the best thing as well, especially if you're having second thoughts or undo concerns. Fortunately, I have met only one or two couples where I wondered how long this union might last. My own bridesmaids had placed bets we wouldn't be together for more than five years. That was 32 years ago and we're still going strong.

Wedding planning and scrutinizing details can be fun for awhile and overwhelming at times. It's just a part of the process and it always leaves you relieved when it's over. It's a "production", major or minor, an opening and closing night rolled into one.

How to keep your eyes on the prize? Don't forget to talk to your fiance, as much as you need to and as often as you get the chance. If you feel like you shouldn't be complaining, set it up so that it is meant to be a "clearing", not a "dumping". I met a bride last fall who broke off her engagement temporarily since her husband- to- be wasn't making any effort to hear her out and pick up at least a small load of sympathy for all the work she was doing. He was in the Navy and shipped out, but he still had access to various mail and phone lines and found himself not connecting as often as she needed him to do. The break up was all he needed to wake up and let her speak up about the overwhelming loneliness she had in doing the lion's share of wedding detail.

Why is this so important? Your stress factors in wedding planning and execution forecast the other stresses headed your way: balancing children (babies) and work, business travel when separation throws an undeserved share on one person's shoulders. Coming together on your wedding challenges models your ways of taking on the real world challenges in the life you have ahead of you. It's worth the extra time and effort. When two people "own" the event, it's a creative endeavor, a little jewel designed for deep satisfaction and joy.

The subject of blogging

2008-01-17T09:45:00.001-08:00

Blogging presents a dilemma for me. I have read the blogs of other officiants, some of whom I know and respect personally, and I see an orientation towards marketing oneself. Some do this in a balanced way, slipping in advice (tips) and other similar material, but either touting specific clients or selling themselves, and not necessarily dealing with some of the larger issues.

Perhaps it comes from a long career in process practices (setting in motion personal development activities ending in achievement of clarity or generating motivation---as a career counselor, or direct intervention in completing objectives---as a writing educator).

So I like to discuss at length the do's and don'ts of wedding ceremonies. Discuss is not what's happening here yet, as I have no comments to date, but that will come as I learn how to gain visibility through advertising or other means. In any event, that's my dilemma: opening up the subject of wedding ceremony, which may be too immediate and not worthy of a blog discussion or may be more compelling than I know. I'm seeking to make the connection and for now I assume it will come with persistence.

The TFM

2008-01-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

When I was in training as a Celebrant, they told us to remind every bride, when finishing her plans for her special day, to include a TFM--Trusted Family Member. This is the person who is looking out for YOU and for all the tiny, sometimes petty details that will make a big difference to the flow of your day and to the flawless ceremony you want.

What does the TFM do? S(he) has everyone's cell phone number and calls potential latecomers to the rehearsal. She has the extra matches (tapered) for your Unity Candle and whips them out if the caterer or wedding venue falls short. She meets the delivery truck with your outdoor chairs in the town park one hour before the wedding and she tells them how to set them up (they don't necessarily think about which way the sun will set, or where on the gazebo you will stand and how far away from the steps to place the guests. She will place the single roses in the men's lapels and calm the ring bearer and flower girl long before they have a chance to fall apart.

Some of this job can be done by a wedding planner; some is best done by a close family member. Often this is the bride's mother, but not always. The overbearing mother could do more harm than good. Just remember, a good TFM is priceless. I have stepped in to this role several times and I don't mind, even though I'm limited because of my obvious other role, but if it's all decided ahead of time and there's one previously designated person, it's a big pain reliever. It's just three letters: TFM. Memorize that.

Lighting Your Ceremony

2008-01-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

Nothing pleases a photographer or videographer more than good lighting for the ceremony as well as for the reception. This is tricky for brides and grooms since churches have their own set-up (usually pretty good) . Hotel and other venues have a different set of problems.

Bottom line is this: to have the mood lighting that makes a difference to your guests' enjoyment, as well as to your photos, include several large candles on three foot pedestals or better yet, bring in several torchieres. Your guests want to see the ceremony, your faces when they can, and even the officiant's face, as this will tell them what's going on with you as well.

The wedding ceremony is an ancient tradition, but that doesn't make it something to take for granted. It's these words, this expression of your commitment, this day and time and you're the ones to make it matter to yourselves and everyone else. Light it up or down, but make sure everything is visible.

I did a wedding a few months ago in an old museum, and the bride and groom wanted badly to be on the staircase landing with the sun setting through the back window right behind them. Trouble was that the sunset in November didn't illuminate us and it was the groom's father who suggested we come down to the bottom of the staircase to be seen. The chandelier in the great room lit us perfectly and we were seen and heard by all. But it takes a watchful eye and caring person to speak up and let the wedding party know they can't be seen. Remember to ask someone to do this for you at the rehearsal, especially if your rehearsal is at the same hour as the wedding (highly recommended).

Show and Tell

2007-12-13T05:37:00.000-08:00

The unique feature I offer my wedding clients is the love story, delivered before the official and more traditional elements of the ceremony begin. I pull my data from a two page questionnaire that both bride and groom fill out after their initial interview.

It's a challenge to write these love stories: sometimes people tell me things they don't actually want revealed (I see how a reporter has to work), and sometimes they tell me so little I have to stretch my imagination to get a full story out. Those who know my work often ask which scenario is preferable--tons of information and juicy detail, or snippets of ambiguous half sentences that only hint at the true nature of the couple's love connection.

The short answer is I like more detail. It's easier to edit down than to make things up. However, working with little hints can be fun. I have a current couple who I won't actually meet until their wedding rehearsal and who are shy about their story, but the very few tips I have from them surprised me in how much I could guess at their threads of affection for each other, their shared values, and their common goals. I wrote the whole story based on the threads of affection, as this is where the poetry of love story writing happens.

There are some things every wedding love story has in common with everyone else's: an inner knowing that this one is different; a trust that this person will not betray you; a connectivity factor that promises a lifelong friendship; an ability to compromise, to find the middle ground to everything that really counts. And one more thing: I've never met a couple who never had to say "I'm sorry".

Wedding rings

2007-11-29T20:01:00.000-08:00

One of the shakiest moments in many ceremonies is the slipping on of the rings after reciting the ring vows. Last Saturday evening I rehearsed a couple in exchanging their rings and they were prepared to make sure that neither would be shy about pushing the ring on.

When it came time during the actual ceremony, the groom was fine. The bride, however, who at the rehearsal seemed relaxed and focused, pushed the ring on her new husband's "right" hand. No wonder it took so long. This is not the first time I've seen this, so I've decided to instruct the opposite partner to OFFER the left hand so that there is no confusion.

Expect the Unexpected

2007-11-20T06:10:00.000-08:00

Other than having a rain plan, expecting the unexpected is never a bad idea. What that means is going with the flow and allowing yourself to be OK, no matter what. Nothing can spoil a wedding, short of an absent bride or groom.

I recently performed a ceremony in one of the poshest hotel ballrooms in Boston. There were three hundred guests and this was a fairly long, concelebrated ceremony: first the couple took their "Western" vows and then their Hindu vows.

The Hindu ceremony was lavish and festive. The couple, the Pandit and both sets of parents sat in the Mandap ( a Hindu version of the Jewish huppah). They were sitting in a closed circle within the stunning Mandap for most of the rituals, but the Pandit (officiant) wore a lapel mic so we could hear the translation of both Sanskrit and English.

Halfway into the 40 minutes, we could hear some kind of rock music permeate the ballroom. It sounded muzak- like and one of the bridesmaids sitting in the front row sweetly tiptoed to the back of the ballrom to check this out and get it turned off. She returned within three minutes ( a long time actually) but the music didn't stop. All told, it took nearly ten minutes before the strange sounds subsided and disappeared. I found out later that it was some kind of odd frequency that was unexplainedly picked up and piped up from the hotel lobby.

The bride and groom were not happy with this, nor was the Pandit, but all kept their composure. The whole ceremony was a daring and beautiful gesture to honor both parties in this marriage. No one could have planned against this happening. So just remember, take a deep breath and it will all be fine. We all live moment to moment and fighting any moment, other than taking normal and appropriate precautions, just adds fuel to the fire.

Overcrowding the ceremony space

2007-10-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

Hello out there brides and grooms:

It's been awhile since I've posted and it feels good to speak out again. So here's some advice in case you're planning your wedding right now. Be careful of having too much clutter at the front of the ceremony space, you know, the place where you and your officiant and your wedding party stand.

Not long ago, I officiated a wedding where the bride, with all the best intentions, added just one too many decorative details than she could comfortably control if other variables entered the picture, which they did. She had planned to have her wedding outdoors (it was June, so why not?). But since it was a rainy day the event was moved into the resort's large banquet room.This happens all the time at wedding venues and it's usually accomodated by setting up the reception tables on one end and cordoning off the room with dividers of some kind.

In this case, the room was too crowded for the front of the ceremony to fit in at a safe and aesthetic distance from the guests. Caterers almost always set the front row too close to the ceremony area for my taste. I prefer a good eight to ten feet. I usually get six feet if I'm lucky. What happened here was a refusal to move the front row back. But the bride brought in a construction of something like a half gazebo, which would have worked just fine outdoors, but moved indoors was cramped. So when the bridesmaids came down the aisle, and the videographer planted himself between the end of the gazebo and the front row of guests, the bridesmaids couldn't get by to stand in their designated place. So I asked the videographer to move, he backed up, and knocked over the large glass vase of long stemmed roses that had been placed at the foot of the gazebo. Get the picture?

All of this happened before the bride got down the aisle, but when she did arrive, her bridesmaids were standing about four to five feet further away than we had rehearsed and she asked me why no one was adjusting her train. I finally elbowed the videographer into the rear of the arrangement so we could look like a choreographed wedding party.

So now having looked at all the details, it strikes me there are two places to watch out for: since venues may not be able to get the chairs far enough back for a beautiful picture perfect aesthtetic distance for the wedding party, at least get the videographer out of the way. If I could do this wedding over, I would have instructed him to stay in the center aisle to get his good shots. The second piece of advice is to the bride and/or wedding planner: use as little as possible up front. Tall vases or a very simple arch are good enough and do the job quite well.

The Wedding Season

2007-10-05T16:09:00.001-07:00

It's in the last active month in the Northeast. There are few weddings in November and even fewer in December. Of course, January through March is also extremely quiet. The exceptions are New Year's Eve and Valnetine's Day, but those are too often on weekdays and the weddings are tiny.

What is there about a winter wedding? You certainly don't have to worry about guests having other plans and missing your date. And honeymoon prices are often pretty good. Resort wedding venues offer better prices in the off-season as well. You can get a good location at 20 to 30% off in some lovely Berkshires and Cape Cod venues if you're looking to marry in Massachusetts.

So if you're budget-minded, book yourself a winter date. I'm available after Novmber 11th!

Trains

2007-09-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

No, not the ones we run to and depend on for work.

Trains are beautiful additions to the weddng processional and recessional and sometimes set up the bride in the post wedding pictures to look like a queen. But they're tricky in a wedding ceremony. Some Maids of Honor seem to forget that their job will be to adjust the train when and if the bride has almost any movement to perform in her wedding ceremony, and almost every bride does have at least one small movement to make, small but active enough to affect how her dress and train move with her.

My suggestion: at the rehearsal, ask the MOH to act out this activity, including how she handles her own bouquet while performng this task. I've never seen a train disaster, but there are awkward moments that can be avoided, just by this tiny addition to the rehearsal.

Ushers

2007-09-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

Small weddings sometimes suggest a relaxed atmosphere. If there are fifty guests invited to sit in the outdoors, and guests come dressed in garden party comfort, they can find a seat suitable for themselves, right? At least most people know better than to take the first row, the one reserved (with or without a sign) for the couple's immediate family.

There's one problem, and one I know from years of teaching and presenting seminars: given a chance to choose their own seating, most people will fill up the back rows and scrupulously avoid the front.

I recently officiated a wedding with sixty guests invited to an exquisite outdoor setting. When the processional was about to begin and I was standing in my official spot, I saw the first five rows were virtually empty. As the bridal party was slightly delayed, I took the opportunity to announce to latecomers and to others crowded together in the last two rows that there were plenty of seats up front. By sheer luck, I was able to fill in the areas that ushers, had there been any, should have filled in.

The simple solution here is to designate any trusted young man or woman to merely guide people to the front rows. Ushers as such are not formalities to be avoided in a more casual wedding; they are necessary to set the stage for coziness and community in the ceremony itself.

Other old customs

2007-09-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I've lived too long in the Northeast (East Coast), but I haven't seen a bouquet thrown to eligible "maidens", nor have I seen a garter slithered off the thigh of a new bride, only to be thrown to the eligible bachelors in a very long time ( more that ten years).

Wedding receptions have come a long way. We still have the formal entrnce of the couple and even their wedding party and parents, and many do this aspect with flourish and imagination. Last summer I watched a couple I had just married enter their reception in Red Sox regalia. Another baseball couple this year hired the official game announcer at Fenway Park to trumpet their entance.

But the first dance used to be just a dance. Today couples take salsa, samba, or minuet lessons, or stop just shy of outright gymnastics to kick off a reception with more fun than sobriety. And customs have crossovers as well. I am officiating a ceremony later this year where a Christian bride is planning to stand beneath the traditional Jewish chuppah.

I guess this is a sign of one world, and I think it's great.

The old days

2007-09-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

I remember a custom from the last century (not sure which decade it might have died out) when couples who were newly married got into a car decorated with white ribbons and with tin cans tied to the tailpipe and honked horns driving all over town, announcing they were "Just Married".

I swear I haven't seen this for at least twenty years. Yes, couples still might hire a limo, but what happened to the noisy hoopla? And where did this custom originate? Please send me what you know. I'll post your description. Also tell me if this custom is still practiced wherever you live.

Significant Other Attending Persons

2007-09-11T05:44:00.000-07:00

Before the daunting task of figuring out seating arangements for the reception, there comes an earlier and sometimes diffficult decision: who will be the "Maid" of Honor and who will be the "Best" Man? Take away the words honor and best and this might be a little easier.

For many it's fine to select a beloved sister or brother and that eliminates competition among friends. But you're actually not stuck with even a single selection. I recently officiated a ceremony where the groom's brother and sister shared his Best Person status. In other weddings I've conducted, there was no name designation among the attendants, but the person standing closest to the bride and groom handed over the rings at the designated time.

There are weddings with no attendants at all---someone (usually pretty special) sitting up front among the guests rises to offer the rings and that's the end of it.

Bottom line: you have choices. Best and honor don't have to weigh you down.

Wedding vows

2007-09-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

The traditional wedding vows are serious business. Probably the hardest one to uphold is: for richer, for poorer. Few of us are so hard-hearted to abandon a sick spouse or run from the sorrows of a shared suffering. But poorer has it all: it's worse, it's often sorrowful, and its miseries can make us sick.

We tend not to dwell on the vows, but in fact they are solemn promises to keep. The vows are the center of the ceremony and even if we have a civil ceremony, the vows themselves are what makes it all legal. We don't need the rings, and here in Massachusetts, we don't even need witnesses.

So, if you're writing your own vows, look first at tradition---those words can be excellent guidelines to how you construct your own promises.

Admit impediments

2007-09-08T05:17:00.000-07:00

Shakepeare starts his beautiful sonnet: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments..."

I recently officiated a wedding where the bride's father joked to me during the rehearsal: "Don't you all ask anymore about impediments to this union, or is there anyone who objects?" I hadn't thought about that in a long time.

Although there are literary works that show this custom and a few clever commercials that do the same, it's rarely done today. We just assume that if the two of them get down the aisle without disruption, we just don't have to ask about impediments. After all, the impediment screening happens when the license is issued. If one party (or both) is not capable of proving divorce, the license is withheld.

Admitting impediments is not the same as having legitmate differences. Some of these differences we won't know till years into the marraige. It's not that people consciously keep secrets from one another, it's just that we fail to understnad ourselves (or each other) until we have critical opportunities to learn. Marriage is a risk; that's what makes it an interesting adventure.

I Love Love

2007-09-06T05:56:00.000-07:00

Nothing moves the world better, at least with more joy and elegance, than a good love story. Why? What happens when two people fall in love, other than what we all know too well as the cliche stuff?

When the whirlwind of romance dies down, when the bloom fades from the rose, the fragrance remains, the form is still a rose and the substance is roseness. A rose will never be a dandelion. So also is true love.

Love at its center includes acceptance of "what is". When we love another, we move our boundaries to include another's full expression of life, and we move our personal views outside of our protective shell. Sometimes this inclusion can be a mistake. We find areas with our beloved that we may fear to tread.Or we come to see that these are places from which to grow together.

Years ago I found that my husband spoke of wild and crazy adventure. Some of it was already in his past and some of it was in his dreams. Now, thirty years later, some of those dreams we fulfilled together and some were disasters. After many years my boundaries (fears and objections) are much more secure. I have learned to listen in a different way.

Marriage then can become an opportunity to listen to the world. It is an exercise in hearing the universe by opening to one person. It is strengthening some boundaries and loosening others. That's what I love about love: play in life with a full deck and a full keyboard.

A Disney Wedding

2007-09-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, they do your wedding at Disneyworld.

I know a woman who went ahead and did this rather than have the 500 guests, too many of whom would be strangers, her in laws wanted. She loved it and said they took care of everything and gave her complete leisure to focus on her job and leave the wedding minutia to them.

I didn't get the details of her specific ceremony, but I'm going to research. I'll get back to you. I will say that Maryellen (not her real name) is no bimbo. She's cultured, educated and refined. If she gave it a thumbs up, I want to get the skinny on it. Some of you may want to know about this.

Ring Ceremony

2007-09-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

I've sometimes seen couples confuse the corrrect hand on which to place the ring. It's always the third finger, left hand, so if you raise your right hand, it's the hand right in front of you---no crossover.

This is easy to practice and doesn't need a formal rehearsal.

The next thing to practice (or remember if you feel practicing with the real rings is bad luck) is to take the pushing of the ring slowly. In fact, don't push at all. Both bride and groom sometimes have sweaty palms and sweaty fingers, and this actually might include a little finger swelling. Move the ring onto the beloved's finger slowly and carefully: the more you push, the harder it is to get it on.

Just a little practical stuff for Labor Day.

Table Seating

2007-09-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things a couple has to do is decide who sits with whom at the reception. This can be a daunting task, and sometimes irreconcilable. Last night's wedding included 300 guests and the bride and groom seemed to succeed spectacularly at the table arrrangements. The only way I know is that my table had a grand time. My husband and I knew no one but the others at our table all worked together and they enjoyed each other (even though they worked together) and we enjoyed them (even though we knew no one).

That said, I know couples who have open seating. Believe it or not, this is not so risky. People who know each other will find each other and strangers are still strangers and have to fend for themselves. There is that added benefit of putting a few strangers together that you think might get along, but that's like fixing people up. It's hard to find a match that's more than superficial.

So if you're perplexed about seating, consider the second option. It's all a roll of the dice, anyway.

September weddings

2007-09-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

I love September weddings. They're still summer, but we think fall. Outdoor events could produce heat or cool, and the difference from August may be only a few degrees in either direction. Nonetheless, September is a popular month for outdoor weddings, second only to October here in New England where leaf peeping is an annual pastime.

Frankly I like September for many reasons not connected to weddings, and there may be others like me who choose September ceremonies for subconscious motives. In the Jewish calendar, it is the New Year, a definite cause for joy and for self-renewal. In the USA it is the beginning of the new school year, a cause for excitement and a renewed sense of purpose at least for some students. Those of us who remember school positively will always feel a little lift after Labor Day.

September also marks the end of summer and I get weary of the dog days after 31 of them. Beginnings of any season carry a sense of hope---what will this new season bring; what are the possibilities of a better life in the coming months? This is like a mini-New Year every three months.

So, enjoy the first day of September. I'm motoring down to Rhode Island to preside over a wonderful couple's ceremony. It's a gorgeous 1st of the month here in New England. That's promising.

Time, The Two Kinds

2007-08-31T07:08:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding like a harpy, here goes another chance to bring about an inner calm. It's so delicious and so necessary for a successful wedding, it bears repeating.

There are two kinds of time--clock time, which brings a degree of order to our universe, and psychological time, which brings for the most part a degree of chaos to the same universe. Here I am addressing the latter.

As a woman, I have spent a number of years worrying. ( I qualify this by gender because men seem to worry less, or maybe they express their needs more quickly). I have concluded that worry is a useless preoccupation; it affects nothing and no one in any positive way. Nagging, on the other hand, affects everyone, including the nagger. Some women nag internally and some externally, but either way it diminishes well-being and achieves no peaceful effect.

Sometimes, in the wake of knowing something will not happen with or without our worry or nagging, we have to let go. Letting go is more important than eating ourselves alive with anxiety. I worked with a bride several years ago who was deeply anxious that her outdoor wedding was going to be moved indoors (threat of rain and temperatures way too cool for the original plan). Once the decision was made, she spent the wedding day letting go. By 6 PM when the ceremony started, she was the most radiantly beautiful bride I had ever seen. Even her photographs showed a genuine peace, a glow I had not seen in the weeks leading up to the wedding.

Beauty comes from within first. It's visible. Feeling good and looking good go hand in hand. Psychological time is within our control. Seize the opportunity.

The Unity Candle

2007-08-30T14:28:00.001-07:00

This is a lovely addition to a ceremony, meant to include the family (often the two mothers) as well as the bride and groom.

For outdoor weddings, it's tricky. Suggestions:

1. Use a hurricane glass covering for the large center candle

2. Don't light the tapers until immediately before lighting the larger candle

3. Use tiny votive candles already lit to light the tapers and blow them out after the tapers are lit

4. Blow out the tapers after the center candle is lit.

5. Use tiny box matches and PRACTICE at the rehearsal.

In short, let all candles burn as briefly as possible, even indoors. Whether in or out doors there are breezes, air conditoning, whatever, which will affect the way the candles burn and they can be a big distraction.

Being there

2007-08-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

Being there for your own wedding is the greatest gift to give yourself, your beloved, and your family and friends.

The best way to be there "then" is to be here "now". The practice of being present, of being still, of breathing and centering can be done repeatedly, consciously, in the days leading up to the BIG ONE so that when the pressure and excitement of the actual wedding day arrives, your body and soul remember the pattern of stillness and peace you have already set in motion.

There are no amounts of flowers, wedding attire or other accoutrements that can substitute for a couple who are present for their own wedding. Right before I walked down the aisle for my own outdoor wedding thirty years ago, my poor mother, who suffered from chronic depression, started talking to me about a friend who had died earlier that year. Death and loss was furthest from my mind, but here it was right before my wonderful moment before the ceremony. I had to let that go, forgive my mother, and focus on the present.

Your own distractions may be simpler, but they will be there, nonetheless. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, whatever the nagging thought or emotion, it's not personal. It's the wind of distraction and you can let it pass.

Poetry

2007-08-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

Having readers for your ceremony is an enhancement to your vows. Good poetry is universal and there are some good nontraditional poems out there that are worth noting.

Check out "The Irrational Season" (excerpts) by Madeleine L'Engle and "love" by Roy Croft. They are both beautifully written, and I have not heard either of them until this week. The L'Engle piece is an essay, not poetry, but leaves a penetrating message.

Of course, your readers should be comfortable with their assignments. I officiated a ceremony in mid-August where the readers had practiced a lot and it showed. Every moment counts in a ceremony; every moment has the opportunity for spirit to open up and hearts to become more whole. Good poetry can do this for you and for your guests.

Don't Mention God

2007-08-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

I meet many couples who ask that I don't mention God in their ceremony. Often what they really mean is "don't saturate the ceremony language with references to God".

I find that plenty of young couples (20s to 30s) describe themselves as spiritual, but not religious. Since I am a nondenominational minister, it makes sense that these are the people who seek my services. But often, they find that the mention of God is not what they wish to avoid; it's simply the reminder that they left formal religion behind and don't wish to be hypocritical.

I believe that one's spiritual life is deeply personal and that we don't need to parade it as a possession. That said, the vows of fidelity, loyalty, and permanence to one other person is an awesome promise. To remind ourselves and our wedding guests that we take these words seriously, we are wise to infuse them with spirit. This could be enhanced with the mention of God, or simply with including the feeling of a presence larger than our own tiny preoccupations that allows us to step into such a devotional relationship with another. Either way, vows are somemn promises.

Being Present for Your Ceremony

2007-08-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

If there's one single thing I recall most vividly from my own wedding (other than a downpour at the end of the ceremony), it's having fought so very hard to be "present", to be conscious of where I was and what I was doing.

I hear this from brides and grooms---they say right before the ceremony that they're fine, but in fact, they're nervous. Since this is a performance of sorts, an opening and closing all wrapped up in one short event, it's normal to feel jittery. In twenty minutes you go from single to married; it's offical and permanent (well, you know...it's supposed to be).

My advice is to check in to your body. Make a scan from toes to ears and feel the energy inside and don't label it. It's energy, not nerves! Nervousness implies inadequacy; energy is neutral. It's good to feel it rather than fight it. You can turn that "nervous" energy into aliveness, the best ingredient for a successful ceremony.Try it.

Children in Ceremonies

2007-08-22T05:21:00.000-07:00

I take it back. I now believe that four is the cut-off date. Last Friday I officiated a ceremony with two well-behaved and poised four year olds. One of them balked at the rehearsal, but the day of the ceremony, he was a dream. Still, it's wise to have two youngsters come down the "aisle" together. For young children, there's safety in numbers.

What floored me was the reading delivery of a ten year old girl. She read the Irish Blessing with a mike and close to the beginning of the ceremony. I have rarely seen such presence. The adult readers were also very good (they had all rehearsed), but the preteen's delivery was unusual.

It comes down to this: if you have readers, make sure they rehearse on their own and probably at the big rehearsal. It pays to take the time for this. Most of my ceremony rehearsals, the readers do not attend. They're not in the wedding party and they come prepared on their own. But getting the readers to the big rehearsal is wise. I saw it work last week.

Spontaneous Ceremony

2007-08-21T19:34:00.001-07:00

I got a call today from a bride planning a wedding next summer. She asked if I had experience doing spontaneous ceremonies. I admitted I didn't, thinking she was referring to the weddings that are sometimes pulled as surprises to the guests. What this young woman wanted was something else. She doesn't want to walk down an aisle and she will have no attendants, so she's looking for a gathering around herself and her groom for the ceremony to begin. This is what she calls spontaneous. This kind of spontaneity I have done.

But the other kind would be a hoot. There are stories of couples who invite a number of friends to a New Year's party and instead of counting down to midnight for the usual festivities, they get married at midnight and the assembled party goers are in fact wedding guests.

Do you have any spontaneous stories? Email me at eq2@att.net. I'll post them here.

The Morning After

2007-08-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I spoke of let down for couples. Today it's let down for officiants. I'm pooped. It was a lovely event, full of joy and tender emotion, but a long two and a quarter hour drive to the venue and by the time dinner was over I was spent.

This is like a Broadway show for all those who invest in the flow, the precision, the best possible outcome for all the hard work. Wedding professionals have let down as well. I sometimes forget how part of my professional fee includes unwavering devotion to the event, the watchfulness over details not under my list of responsibility. Mostly this entails very little, as there are loving family members tuned in to make sure no one gets run over in the traffic. But nonetheless, the vigilance is there and when it's over, there's relief.

So, I'm taking a break, going fishing for a few days in Maine. Back on Tuesday, (21st).

Let Down

2007-08-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

No question about it, the days after the wedding, or certainly the days after returning from a honeymoon, if it follows immediately, are a big let down. Most couples I know rush right back into a hectic job and find a degree of distraction that seems to help.

But there is a residual downer. The weeks leading up to the wedding are filled with details; if we never learned multi-tasking before, we learn it now. There is a "high"---some cynics call it hype-- to this flurry of excitement, and weddings take on a life of their own. It's like preparing for opening night on Broadway. The show went smoothly, the reviews came in with praise and the cast party was a blast.

And now what! Well, you're married and you may not realize that's what this was about. Best advice: expect the let down and let it be. It will pass. In two weeks or three, when the photos are ready, all the memories will flood back; in fact, you may see you had more fun that you remembered the morning after.

Weddings are events and events have let downs. But those downs will let up.

Wedding Rehearsals

2007-08-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

Wedding rehearsals are a vitally important preamble to the actual ceremony, but are often not taken seriously enough. I believe this is part of the nervousness of the bridal party. Act like the party has already begun and you'll have a more relaxed attitude.

This is a mistake. A party attitude at the reheasral sets up inattention (not to mention a waste of everyone's time), and that same laid back informality shows up the next day or evening as missed cues, rushed processional entrances, and awkward pauses.

If you're getting close to your rehearsal date, make sure you have a firm grip on getting everyone exactly on the same page at the same time. As a Celebrant, I run the rehearsal and call the shots, allowing the couple to breathe easy as I will wield all the authority required. Wedding planners and catering managers in fine hotels also do this job and the good ones take no prisoners.

And everyone goes through the rehearsal twice. Children should always rehearse, as they are the most likely to veer off into crying land just when you need them to bring the ring to the altar. If you don't have a trusted professional to run the rehearsal, ask your anal-retentive Auntie, the one who always asked you if you were doing well enough in school. You'll thank her after your ceremony.

A Cake Walk

2007-08-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

Back to the strange and intriguing TV show. The host said something like: "if you can survive the wedding; you can survive your marriage". Would that a lifetime with one person were as simple and problem free as most weddings.

Certainly the couple who suffered two deaths and a serious illness of three very close relatives in one week have been through a tremendous suffering together, but that wedding story is an exception, very far from the rule.

I met up with one of my wedding couples last weekend and there were still details to decide, including discussions of different ways between them of looking at a few aspects of the ceremony. But they knew how to compromise, to consider both sides and each "gave in" on a variety of small items that allowed the final game plan to start to fall into place. The is the rule, NOT the exception.

If you're on your way to a wedding ( a marriage) and you want to know what your marriage will be like, just look at couples you admire (maybe your own parents; maybe not). How do they work things out? Ask them what were the toughest things they had to face with each other over the long years and what did they do? The wedding itself is a cakewalk compared to a marriage.

Once again, TV oversimplifies.

Worry

2007-08-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's post -Horror Stories-requires some more observation. What was the couple looking for in coming on the show to tell this story? The bride said she was a detail oriented control freak and that her wedding plans were absolutely perfect till the first death happened, followed by the string of other sad circumstances. Of course, the tragedies didn't negate her skills at wedding planning. In fact, as I recall, none of her actual plans went awry. The ceremony happened on schedule. The flowers were there, the dress, the rings, the reception and music and all the other thousand details fell into place.

However, the purpose of this segment of the show was ambiguous. The couple got plenty of sympathy from the audience (who wouldn't sympathize?). The mother of the groom survived her stroke and sat with the couple crying about missing the wedding, and the groom hugged his mother because her being alive was more important than the wedding day being perfect.

I want to know: were the deaths and illnesses not supposed to happen? Of course, no one "wants" those things to happen, but we're not G*d. When bad things happen before good events, we fold them into our lives; we fold them into the ceremony if we want. Or if the events are too devastating (and they can be), we bite the bullet and postpone. What is more tragic than a cousin crashing his light plane and disappearing into the ocean with his wife and sister-in-law on his way to your wedding? (JFK, Jr, July 18, 1999). The cousin postponed.

Life includes birth and death. Weddings are celebrations. This couple was either exploited, or felt they would get some sympathy they missed from their intimate friends and family. Sympathy sells, like tragedy does. And that's TV.

Horror Stories

2007-08-13T12:33:00.000-07:00

Sitting with my dog this afternoon in the vets' waiting room, I glanced over to a TV talk show that I couldn't resist overhearing. Some guy named Greg was interviewing a couple who had a Disaster Wedding!

It turns out from my viewpoint not a disaster wedding at all, but a set of circumstances that occurred around the wedding day that had an emotional effect different from the ordinary fairy tale joy we've come to (naively) expect. The bride's grandfather died the week before the wedding. The groom's grandmother died the Monday before the wedding. And the groom's mother had a minor stroke the day before the wedding, went into the emergency room, was admitted and missed the wedding day.

Well, I wouldn't call this a string of good luck, but it is the rhythm of life, the lineup of unpredictable events in how our stories fall together, and not exactly on our own timeline.

In fact, when a wedding is scheduled, all the guests are there to bring their own joy and support to the couple. What could be better than a joining of two hearts in a lasting bond to create a new entity, a new family group? Death and illness are always with us, and sometimes the best laid plans cannot work the way we wanted. The talk show emphasized the down side of this wedding. I guess it just doesn't sell on TV to herald the positive and joyous side of celebrating life and love, even in the midst of loss.

Till Death Do Us Part

2007-08-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was having an argument with my twenty-something son: he claimed that 50 % of marriages now end in divorce and that that's a recent (post 2000) phenomenon.

I said no; the divorce rate is declining. So we went online and found out I was right. In fact as of year ending 2005, 38% of marriages end in divorce.

That's encouraging, but why is it getting better? Maybe (I can only speculate) it has something to do with so many couples today living together longer and only getting married after knowing each others' habits, idiosyncracies, character defects fairly thoroughly. And maybe it's closer to something that was not so common in my own youth.

When I was growing up, we developed same sex friendships and we dated the opposite sex, but we never had a gang of friends from both sexes. Today people in their teens and early twenties have very close friends they get to know emotionally, but not necessarily sexually, and these friendships teach them valuable lessons in human nature, and in gender differences, setting the stage for a wider tolerance of each others' crimes and misdemeanors.

This tolerance is the issue I wrote about yesterday. If same sex marriage will be so much more tolerated twenty years from now, maybe opposite sex marriage will be as well. Long live marriage!

The Right To Marry

2007-08-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

Last night the Democrats held another debate, this time hosted by the Gay and Lesbian constituency. Only two candidates (and the most minor ones --Kucinich and Gravel---) would go on record in support of actual MARRIAGE! Civil unions are the half-steps that wedge themselves into the genreral public's acceptance (and barely).

As a college teacher I know that this issue will be completely off the radar in twenty years (that does seem like an eternity to some). Last semester, I took 38 freshmen through a comp 101 course at Northeastern and throughout the four months our focus was on race and gender. The last assignment was on any contemporary issue of injustice or inequality, based on parallels to MLKing's passionate and brilliant "Letter From Birmingham Jail."

As far as I could tell, most of the students were straight (one young man was "out"). But twenty per cent of the entire 38 wrote papers on injustice and sexual orientation. This generation doesn't have the baggage of their parents. Once this generation of 19 year olds reaches close to forty-something and has a voice in the political cacophony, no political candidate will have to pander to the fear vote.

Massachuetts won't be alone out there forever.

Too Busy to be a Nervous Bride

2007-08-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it happens. Some brides, especially those in the academic world, avoid getting overly caught up in their own wedding planning. This requires an immense trust of significant others (often mothers of the bride) to take care of details other brides with a bit more time on their hands would attend to.

No decent time management expert would recommend letting important details go completely into the hands of others, but some women have nerves of steel. One thing I have learned this summer: it's not for lack of caring.

There's a wonderful young woman who goes to graduate school in Massachusetts and lives in New York City and will be married in the Berkshire Mountains of Massachusetts in a little over two weeks. She has a New York City wedding planner, yours truly as her officiant, and a mother-in-law to be in the Berkshires. Bingo! The latter is the key to peace of mind.

This young woman has had a grueling summer schedule. She has had an internship working from 8 AM to midnight daily. But now the dust is clearing: she will be finishing her job this Friday and completely free for the next two weeks. Her mother in law to be and the rest of her "team" are up and ready to pull all the rest together.

What I hear from this exhausted bride is gratitude and anticipation. Remember: if you have a great team and trust everyone on it, you can have nerves of steel yourself.

The Mean Mother-in-Law

2007-08-05T07:04:00.002-07:00

OK. I mentioned this a few days ago, so here it is.

Last summer (2006) I agreed to officiate a park wedding for a sweet young couple living in a nearby suburb of Boston. She was an all-American girl with Scandinavian Protestant roots from the Mid-west. He was an all-American boy from the far West, except his roots were Catholic and Asian.

He said he was unsure if his family could make it to the wedding, since they were coming in from Hawaii (their home). He had many friends from his Ivy League undergraduate and graduate schools coming, so his "side" would be well-represented, even without his immediate family.

On the day of the wedding, his family did indeed show up. But during the very small, intimate ceremony, his mother crossed her arms, frowned, and focused both her eyes and her body deliberately away from the bride and groom and the vows and blessings as they unfolded. The ceremony was held openly, with all attending facing one another in a circle, so her body language was visible to all, including the bride and groom.

After the ceremony, the bride's mother told me that this was not religious antipathy from the groom's mother, but racial intolerance. Her ethnically Hawaiian son was mixing the races and she was making her "statement". The couple held up just fine, but the guests ( as well as I ) were perplexed.

Warning: Clear the negative issues of a difficult relative (certainly a parent). Keep her (him) away. Toxicity is a private matter, unforgivable at a public celebration. Weddings are not political platforms. They are first and foremost a celebration of love and hope. It's your special day: don't let anyone THINK of spoiling it.

Keeping it Short

2007-08-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have not yet met a single couple who wanted more than twenty minutes devoted to their ceremony. Does this mean--"get it over and done with so we can get to the fun party we've planned afterwards"? Not at all.

I admit, the couples who seek a nondenominatinal service are opting to go outside the mainstream of their childhood religious practices. Sitting through the Catholic Mass or other religious traditions lingers in their memory as an interminably boring hour.

So how much uplifting language and ritual can you pack into twenty minutes? Plenty. I have officiated weddings, which on paper run sixteen to eighteen pages, but in fact run no more than 25 minutes, including a long processional and a flower girl who crawls down the aisle and cries before being whisked away.

Beautiful words and memorable gestures do not take much time. A Celebrant wedding (my esteemed training) even includes your love story and still runs no more than twenty minutes.

So, think twenty and that's plenty.

Feeling Out of Control

2007-08-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

In my work as an Officiant, I interact with couples months before the ceremony (interviewing them and they me). We don't meet up again until around two weeks before the wedding date and usually by email or phone.

Somewhere around this two week period, things start to fall into place and sometimes they start to fall apart. Fortunately, nothing in my direct experience has fallen so far apart to warrant a sad tale of a wedding break up.

But here's the news: your nerves will go into hyper-alert around this time. Small simple items will look more threatening than they are (the custom made wedding ring won't be ready until two days before the wedding; your future mother-in-law has a hissy fit over her son's choice of tux). Many annoying and potential worrying little nigglers happen.

Tip: don't sweat the small stuff, and these are no-brainer items. If the ring isn't there you will still be married (you can borrow your mother's ring for the ceremony). And your mother-in-law, unless she's a complete fool, will give up her fits because she wants to shine on your wedding day as much as you want her to.

I have a mean mother-in-law story, an unusual one, but I'll save it for another day. Bottom line: call your sanest friend, the one who laughs at everything and usually makes you angry for such a detached attitude. You need her now!

Flow and the TFM

2007-08-01T06:13:00.001-07:00

Your wedding ceremony is a performance. It is a styled, orchestrated and choreographed 20 minute performance that will produce lasting memories, some of which will be captured on video, but certainly in still photography.

This is why a good, well-organized wedding rehearsal is so important. In my work as an officiant, I make it my job to get everyone's name down and particularly to note which of the wedding party is most reliable to pick up any loose ends. This is often the maid of honor or a mother. But just to break stereotype, it can be the groom's best friend, the former roommate, all of 28 who has the skills to run the US Mint.

In the Celebrant's world, we call this person the TFM (trusted family member). The TFM has a cell phone that's always on, from midnight the night before the wedding and all day long up to the minute before it all starts. This TFM has 360 degree radar and knows where every somebody and every nobody is related to this wedding. This person is completely "can-do", wears every hat, takes charge without equivocating, and could get a lost spaceship back to earth if called upon. The TFM is the Steven Speilberg of the final wedding production.

Planning a wedding? Who is your TFM? He or she is your lifeline to relax when the last minute stuff starts to spin.

Wedding music

2007-07-31T07:48:00.000-07:00

No question, wedding music is a must. But most important is to remember to keep it simple.

Suggested live forums: violin, harp, flute. This also works just fine with CDs.

Not suggested: opera singers at varying points in the ceremony. I officiated a wedding last year that had an exquisite singer featured. On paper this sounded like a good idea, but in fact this was an unusually warm September morning and the guests were outdoors, facing directly into the sun. The wedding party, including me, were in the gazebo and comfortably in the shade.

The singing was not short and sweet, and not in a rhythm that blended with the flow of the wedding readings and vows. Each peace was sung in toto, a "feature" worthy of pause. However, this threw attention over to the singer and away from the couple. And the guests were baking (and sweating) in the direct sun. Of course, everyone praised the singer, but why were we there? The problem was not this artist's skills or sensibilities; he is a gifted musician. Had the couple asked the singer for thirty seconds, rather than three and a half minutes, it would have complimented the "flow". Flow is essential to a successful ceremony, especially in the outdoors where you can't control the weather.

I have lots more to say about this, but we'll leave it here for now. Most people can't afford or don't even know a gifted opera singer, but even CD music can be overdone. More later.

Winter Wedding

2007-07-30T07:35:00.001-07:00

I recently interviewed with a bride whose wedding is February 1. Brave or crazy? We live in the cold and snowy Northeast--this wedding is in western Massachusetts.

Aside for whatever reasons this date works well for the couple themselves, what advantage does a winter wedding have for everyone else involved?

One: it's much less expensive to book a destination wedding in the off-season. You save on your wedding investment and your guests get the best rates possible (unless your destination is Florida or the Caribbean). Two: winter in the Northeast is a low period for most of us---we start to feel the SAD symptoms---seasonal affective disorder--- around the first of February. Weddings are a huge mood lift, a way to connect to love and friendship and forget about the need to bundle up and close down on life.Third: your anniversary will always be the exceptional offbeat date and won't interfere with all the other lifelong celebrations you'll engage in forever--mother's and father's days, graduations and all the other summer and fall holidays.

Am I just putting a positive spin on winter? Perhaps, but there are advantages. You won't be disappointed if the sun isn't shining, as you won't be outside in the rain or even under a tent. A cozy room, a fire crackling---that's not such a bad idea!

Including children in your ceremony

2007-07-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

Children are such a wonderful part of our lives. Young children (under five) are cute and sometimes add a delightful flavor to the wedding party.

However, some children are too young. I recently officiated a wedding ceremony where an 18 month old was expected to walk down the "aisle" ( a simple one in a large living room). The poor child started crying, then wailing, as the distraught mother froze and let another guest take the child in her lap. When the bride and groom entered, the baby kept screaming, so we stopped the proceedings long enough for the mother and the child to exit the room.

This was not a disaster, as this was a sweet and simple small ceremony (second marriage for the bride); however, it was traumatic for the child and, as it turned out, for the mother. Size didn't matter: humiliation can happen with only one other witness.

Advice: hold back from the urge to include children under the age of four. Six years old is a good age, but cuteness can begin to fade by then. If you must have a young child, send the Mother or Dad down the aisle holding the child's hand. Two children, preferably siblings, are also better than one. They offset each others' attack of nerves.

And then after you're married with children, you'll understand this all perfectly.

Wedding Shoes

2007-07-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

The one thing I most have in common with brides is that I wear very feminine sleek shoes when I perform a ceremony. AND the one thing I purchased recently, which has been a lifesaver, are flat, white ballet shoes. I had the good fortune recently to conduct a wedding just 2 miles from my home, and while the wedding party was posing for pictures, I ran home and changed shoes.

Now I bring these little flat sweet comfortable shoes everywhere I do a wedding. I know a few brides who struggle through an entire evening in their high heels. HINT: get the ballet shoes at Marshall's for as little as $20! It's a good investment and you may even wear them again.

Happy dancing.

Gay marriage

2007-07-26T06:44:00.001-07:00

Bridezilla

2007-07-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

There's lots of buzz on the proverbial bridezilla culture, with several dozens of books selling well on the subject.

What does bridezilla mean? It's something like this: a hyper-nervous, frantically demanding, perfectionist female planning and executing the details of her upcoming wedding, without good sense. Bridezilla will stop at nothing to have the PERFECT wedding day.

Is it fair to label an otherwise well-meaning woman thus? It's something like an alcoholic: not everyone who drinks too much is a drop dead boor and not every bride who occasionally goes over the top is a bridezilla, one with the dramatic characterisitics that would label her after the wedding as just another b-tchin' control freak.

My advice: if you want the perfect wedding, delegate to others---let them do the friend of bridezilla legwork. Avoid the label for yourself and become the CEO of your own special day. And, if you freak out over any detail, stop and apologize, back up and chill out. No wedding is perfect, but every wedding has its own exquisite meaning. Let yourself have it flow, no matter what happens.

Fun wedding receptions

2007-07-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

Late July and the livin is easy

2007-07-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, there are more fall weddings on my schedue than even summer. The Northeast has better outdoor weather in the early fall, so most officiants have weddings booked for both weekend days through September and October.

That said, this summer has been very good for outdoor ceremonies. Today, July 22 in New Hampshire, is a perfect summer day and for all you wedding couples out there in the Northeast, you're blessed if you're doing your ceremony outdoors on this weekend.

My one tiny drop of advice (a repeat from a few posts ago, but it bears repeating) is to do your ceremony with a portable wireless microphone. Sound disappears outdoors and your guests deserve (and desire) to hear your words. If you're shy about this, at least your Officiant will be heard and the glorious vows and other blessings will reach appreciative ears.

Bye for now.