The TFM

When I was in training as a Celebrant, they told us to remind every bride, when finishing her plans for her special day, to include a TFM--Trusted Family Member. This is the person who is looking out for YOU and for all the tiny, sometimes petty details that will make a big difference to the flow of your day and to the flawless ceremony you want.

What does the TFM do? S(he) has everyone's cell phone number and calls potential latecomers to the rehearsal. She has the extra matches (tapered) for your Unity Candle and whips them out if the caterer or wedding venue falls short. She meets the delivery truck with your outdoor chairs in the town park one hour before the wedding and she tells them how to set them up (they don't necessarily think about which way the sun will set, or where on the gazebo you will stand and how far away from the steps to place the guests. She will place the single roses in the men's lapels and calm the ring bearer and flower girl long before they have a chance to fall apart.

Some of this job can be done by a wedding planner; some is best done by a close family member. Often this is the bride's mother, but not always. The overbearing mother could do more harm than good. Just remember, a good TFM is priceless. I have stepped in to this role several times and I don't mind, even though I'm limited because of my obvious other role, but if it's all decided ahead of time and there's one previously designated person, it's a big pain reliever. It's just three letters: TFM. Memorize that.

Lighting Your Ceremony

Nothing pleases a photographer or videographer more than good lighting for the ceremony as well as for the reception. This is tricky for brides and grooms since churches have their own set-up (usually pretty good) . Hotel and other venues have a different set of problems.

Bottom line is this: to have the mood lighting that makes a difference to your guests' enjoyment, as well as to your photos, include several large candles on three foot pedestals or better yet, bring in several torchieres. Your guests want to see the ceremony, your faces when they can, and even the officiant's face, as this will tell them what's going on with you as well.

The wedding ceremony is an ancient tradition, but that doesn't make it something to take for granted. It's these words, this expression of your commitment, this day and time and you're the ones to make it matter to yourselves and everyone else. Light it up or down, but make sure everything is visible.

I did a wedding a few months ago in an old museum, and the bride and groom wanted badly to be on the staircase landing with the sun setting through the back window right behind them. Trouble was that the sunset in November didn't illuminate us and it was the groom's father who suggested we come down to the bottom of the staircase to be seen. The chandelier in the great room lit us perfectly and we were seen and heard by all. But it takes a watchful eye and caring person to speak up and let the wedding party know they can't be seen. Remember to ask someone to do this for you at the rehearsal, especially if your rehearsal is at the same hour as the wedding (highly recommended).

Show and Tell

The unique feature I offer my wedding clients is the love story, delivered before the official and more traditional elements of the ceremony begin. I pull my data from a two page questionnaire that both bride and groom fill out after their initial interview.

It's a challenge to write these love stories: sometimes people tell me things they don't actually want revealed (I see how a reporter has to work), and sometimes they tell me so little I have to stretch my imagination to get a full story out. Those who know my work often ask which scenario is preferable--tons of information and juicy detail, or snippets of ambiguous half sentences that only hint at the true nature of the couple's love connection.

The short answer is I like more detail. It's easier to edit down than to make things up. However, working with little hints can be fun. I have a current couple who I won't actually meet until their wedding rehearsal and who are shy about their story, but the very few tips I have from them surprised me in how much I could guess at their threads of affection for each other, their shared values, and their common goals. I wrote the whole story based on the threads of affection, as this is where the poetry of love story writing happens.

There are some things every wedding love story has in common with everyone else's: an inner knowing that this one is different; a trust that this person will not betray you; a connectivity factor that promises a lifelong friendship; an ability to compromise, to find the middle ground to everything that really counts. And one more thing: I've never met a couple who never had to say "I'm sorry".

Wedding rings

One of the shakiest moments in many ceremonies is the slipping on of the rings after reciting the ring vows. Last Saturday evening I rehearsed a couple in exchanging their rings and they were prepared to make sure that neither would be shy about pushing the ring on.

When it came time during the actual ceremony, the groom was fine. The bride, however, who at the rehearsal seemed relaxed and focused, pushed the ring on her new husband's "right" hand. No wonder it took so long. This is not the first time I've seen this, so I've decided to instruct the opposite partner to OFFER the left hand so that there is no confusion.

Expect the Unexpected

Other than having a rain plan, expecting the unexpected is never a bad idea. What that means is going with the flow and allowing yourself to be OK, no matter what. Nothing can spoil a wedding, short of an absent bride or groom.

I recently performed a ceremony in one of the poshest hotel ballrooms in Boston. There were three hundred guests and this was a fairly long, concelebrated ceremony: first the couple took their "Western" vows and then their Hindu vows.

The Hindu ceremony was lavish and festive. The couple, the Pandit and both sets of parents sat in the Mandap ( a Hindu version of the Jewish huppah). They were sitting in a closed circle within the stunning Mandap for most of the rituals, but the Pandit (officiant) wore a lapel mic so we could hear the translation of both Sanskrit and English.

Halfway into the 40 minutes, we could hear some kind of rock music permeate the ballroom. It sounded muzak- like and one of the bridesmaids sitting in the front row sweetly tiptoed to the back of the ballrom to check this out and get it turned off. She returned within three minutes ( a long time actually) but the music didn't stop. All told, it took nearly ten minutes before the strange sounds subsided and disappeared. I found out later that it was some kind of odd frequency that was unexplainedly picked up and piped up from the hotel lobby.

The bride and groom were not happy with this, nor was the Pandit, but all kept their composure. The whole ceremony was a daring and beautiful gesture to honor both parties in this marriage. No one could have planned against this happening. So just remember, take a deep breath and it will all be fine. We all live moment to moment and fighting any moment, other than taking normal and appropriate precautions, just adds fuel to the fire.

Overcrowding the ceremony space

Hello out there brides and grooms:

It's been awhile since I've posted and it feels good to speak out again. So here's some advice in case you're planning your wedding right now. Be careful of having too much clutter at the front of the ceremony space, you know, the place where you and your officiant and your wedding party stand.

Not long ago, I officiated a wedding where the bride, with all the best intentions, added just one too many decorative details than she could comfortably control if other variables entered the picture, which they did. She had planned to have her wedding outdoors (it was June, so why not?). But since it was a rainy day the event was moved into the resort's large banquet room.This happens all the time at wedding venues and it's usually accomodated by setting up the reception tables on one end and cordoning off the room with dividers of some kind.

In this case, the room was too crowded for the front of the ceremony to fit in at a safe and aesthetic distance from the guests. Caterers almost always set the front row too close to the ceremony area for my taste. I prefer a good eight to ten feet. I usually get six feet if I'm lucky. What happened here was a refusal to move the front row back. But the bride brought in a construction of something like a half gazebo, which would have worked just fine outdoors, but moved indoors was cramped. So when the bridesmaids came down the aisle, and the videographer planted himself between the end of the gazebo and the front row of guests, the bridesmaids couldn't get by to stand in their designated place. So I asked the videographer to move, he backed up, and knocked over the large glass vase of long stemmed roses that had been placed at the foot of the gazebo. Get the picture?

All of this happened before the bride got down the aisle, but when she did arrive, her bridesmaids were standing about four to five feet further away than we had rehearsed and she asked me why no one was adjusting her train. I finally elbowed the videographer into the rear of the arrangement so we could look like a choreographed wedding party.

So now having looked at all the details, it strikes me there are two places to watch out for: since venues may not be able to get the chairs far enough back for a beautiful picture perfect aesthtetic distance for the wedding party, at least get the videographer out of the way. If I could do this wedding over, I would have instructed him to stay in the center aisle to get his good shots. The second piece of advice is to the bride and/or wedding planner: use as little as possible up front. Tall vases or a very simple arch are good enough and do the job quite well.

The Wedding Season

It's in the last active month in the Northeast. There are few weddings in November and even fewer in December. Of course, January through March is also extremely quiet. The exceptions are New Year's Eve and Valnetine's Day, but those are too often on weekdays and the weddings are tiny.

What is there about a winter wedding? You certainly don't have to worry about guests having other plans and missing your date. And honeymoon prices are often pretty good. Resort wedding venues offer better prices in the off-season as well. You can get a good location at 20 to 30% off in some lovely Berkshires and Cape Cod venues if you're looking to marry in Massachusetts.

So if you're budget-minded, book yourself a winter date. I'm available after Novmber 11th!