Why is authenticity so important in a wedding? Romance is what we all enjoy, reading about it, watching it in film and on TV and celebrating it in a wedding. But romance comes long before commitment and it's choosing another, committing to another that makes the wedding authentic (and does the same for the marriage itself). Romance is the trigger and commitment makes us adults. And the words we use make all the difference.
I officiated a wedding this afternoon for a couple who wrote lengthy tributes about each other (which I edited for reading at the ceremony) and neither of them saw nor read what the other had said. They heard each other's tribute simultaneously with their guests. Everyone was moved by their words, by the truthful, humorous and clearly wise observations they each had of the other.
They found vows as well that were specific to their own commitment, beautiful, frank and not your everyday wedding vows.
I believe that a wedding ceremony can re-ignite the rich experience of what love is to everyone you invite. The more inclusive we are in our love and in our sharing its full and practical picture, the more we open ourselves to our friends and family. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes the same village to embrace and support a marriage. The words we say on our wedding day are our promises to keep. Words matter.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Art of Pleasing Everybody
Yes, you can actually do it. How? Please yourself.
Since my officiant work is almost exclusively interfaith, I hear lots of stories of how this parent or grandparent might be offended if a particular religious practice is not done at the ceremony. But just today a groom told me how his Catholic mother would love to see something echoing her religious beliefs, but that in fact she only wants him to be happy, and she knows his choice of leaving his religion behind has not altered his behavior: he's still a son of great character.
Your wedding day is by its very nature an expression of your spiritual personality, not necessarily of your religious practice. Loving another human being enough to commit to a lifetime of shared efforts, joys and sacrifices, as well as bringing children in to the world, is a spiritual undertaking like no other. It will test you in the crucible of the direct human experience of forgiveness, compassion and humility. These are issues of spirit, and this is precisely why all good marriages strengthen everyone in a community.
Own your spiritual being, with its still small voice of conscience. This means please yourself for your ceremony based on your values and on your view of love in the world. All of us understand this in our hearts, no matter our religion.
Since my officiant work is almost exclusively interfaith, I hear lots of stories of how this parent or grandparent might be offended if a particular religious practice is not done at the ceremony. But just today a groom told me how his Catholic mother would love to see something echoing her religious beliefs, but that in fact she only wants him to be happy, and she knows his choice of leaving his religion behind has not altered his behavior: he's still a son of great character.
Your wedding day is by its very nature an expression of your spiritual personality, not necessarily of your religious practice. Loving another human being enough to commit to a lifetime of shared efforts, joys and sacrifices, as well as bringing children in to the world, is a spiritual undertaking like no other. It will test you in the crucible of the direct human experience of forgiveness, compassion and humility. These are issues of spirit, and this is precisely why all good marriages strengthen everyone in a community.
Own your spiritual being, with its still small voice of conscience. This means please yourself for your ceremony based on your values and on your view of love in the world. All of us understand this in our hearts, no matter our religion.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Weddings are recession proof
Well, that DEPENDS you might say. Very elaborate, expensive weddings will still happen among those who have saved for the event, or among the wealthy. But in my dealings with couples, I've seen an occasional paring down of their wedding budgets. Like? One bride said: "We were having 150 guests, but we're working on it to get it to no more than 90".
This is a huge savings. I married a couple last summer in the Boston Public Garden who wanted just the three of us, but over a dozen friends and family slowed up anyway. They had bought a house together and felt they just couldn't pay for a wedding as well.
People should spend on the happiest day of their lives, but how much we spend on five course dinners is really a matter of taste and budget. Much of the cost cutting can come from drawing up a smaller list of guests. This is often not possible to do, and when parents pick up a good part of the tab, it's fair to have their friends in droves. It's their party too.
But if it's your tab, it's your guest list and a smaller budget wedding can be glorious.
This is a huge savings. I married a couple last summer in the Boston Public Garden who wanted just the three of us, but over a dozen friends and family slowed up anyway. They had bought a house together and felt they just couldn't pay for a wedding as well.
People should spend on the happiest day of their lives, but how much we spend on five course dinners is really a matter of taste and budget. Much of the cost cutting can come from drawing up a smaller list of guests. This is often not possible to do, and when parents pick up a good part of the tab, it's fair to have their friends in droves. It's their party too.
But if it's your tab, it's your guest list and a smaller budget wedding can be glorious.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Beware Ceremony Lectures
I interviewed a couple this afternoon who described the worst wedding they ever attended was when the priest reminded the congregation on the wedding day that only 50% of marriages survive. Now I'm sure he meant to set a tone of the seriousness of marriage or of making a commitment, but in fact this statement is better said as private counsel to the couple.
This slip of the tongue set a downbeat tone, one of fear, and only a sad reminder of how hard marriage can be. And it's not that this is a lie. Marriage is not easy. But wedding ceremonies are an opportunity for gratitude, for celebrating the joy of what they have with each other. The vows are solemn enough and when done with sincerity are memorable.
The general American statistics on divorce have nothing to do with this couple standing before the priest. He may as well tell them that 55 % of American men and women are overweight. Will that mean they'll eat healthier food and exercise? Reminding them of the divorce rate may actually be soothing: "so if this doesn't work out, we won't be any worse than half the population!"
A marriage is an awesome celebration. If people are prepared they will go in with their eyes open and weather the storms. If they're too immature to face the road ahead, a lecture during the ceremony won't help. Speak of the promise, the hope, the many benefits of this union. Or just try to stay skinny for the next 50 years.
This slip of the tongue set a downbeat tone, one of fear, and only a sad reminder of how hard marriage can be. And it's not that this is a lie. Marriage is not easy. But wedding ceremonies are an opportunity for gratitude, for celebrating the joy of what they have with each other. The vows are solemn enough and when done with sincerity are memorable.
The general American statistics on divorce have nothing to do with this couple standing before the priest. He may as well tell them that 55 % of American men and women are overweight. Will that mean they'll eat healthier food and exercise? Reminding them of the divorce rate may actually be soothing: "so if this doesn't work out, we won't be any worse than half the population!"
A marriage is an awesome celebration. If people are prepared they will go in with their eyes open and weather the storms. If they're too immature to face the road ahead, a lecture during the ceremony won't help. Speak of the promise, the hope, the many benefits of this union. Or just try to stay skinny for the next 50 years.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Summer weddings
Oh it feels so good to say that! It's going down to 4 degrees in Boston this February night and a summer wedding is on my mind. I just love talking to people about their July wedding and how they plan to have a rain and/or heat plan to change to the indoors at the last minute.
And while we're on the subject, we actually have more weddings in September and October and November in the greater Boston area than June, July and August. Why? It's the beautiful autumns in the Northeast and it generally doesn't get too hot for the outdoors. My clients book September first every year, and often a full year or more ahead.
And while we're on the subject, I've been getting flooded this winter with calls for interviews. Why? There's a nice article in Boston Weddings Magazine that has brought unsolicited publicity. I didn't say unappreciated!
Check it out: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/weddings/articles/the_experts3/page2.
Anyway, summer will be here soon. Just four more months!!
And while we're on the subject, we actually have more weddings in September and October and November in the greater Boston area than June, July and August. Why? It's the beautiful autumns in the Northeast and it generally doesn't get too hot for the outdoors. My clients book September first every year, and often a full year or more ahead.
And while we're on the subject, I've been getting flooded this winter with calls for interviews. Why? There's a nice article in Boston Weddings Magazine that has brought unsolicited publicity. I didn't say unappreciated!
Check it out: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/weddings/articles/the_experts3/page2.
Anyway, summer will be here soon. Just four more months!!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The New York Times Weddings
I read them every week, those stories with pictures and sometimes video clips of newlyweds and their wedding pictures. They're a fun read and the couples are usually interesting, providing a mirror into why we pick the ones we pick (or why we succumb to Cupid's ploy).
Many stories involve complex mishaps, or long runs of dry periods where each or one was uncertain. It's surprising how many people marry for the first time in their forties, but New York is a haven for young professionals who turn into single middle aged professionals, like overnight it seems.
And their stories are rewarding in that the people never give up. For most of them natural childbirth won't happen, but adoption may and this is good. What matters most is the strength that society reaps from these unions. The power of an aligned and loving couple who trust one another enough to make such a lifetime commitment can't be measured. I remember saying when I married that my husband and I were of a second marriage age, but a first marriage couple. He was 45 and I was 33.
Is there a downside to getting married in your mid-forties? Aside from having passed a healthy child-bearing age, I don't see anything but an upside. Keeping the dream alive and making the courageous leap into the solemn promise to one imperfect person just like yourself is an asset to your character. Never give up. There is always someone out there for you, not just anybody, but your destiny.
Many stories involve complex mishaps, or long runs of dry periods where each or one was uncertain. It's surprising how many people marry for the first time in their forties, but New York is a haven for young professionals who turn into single middle aged professionals, like overnight it seems.
And their stories are rewarding in that the people never give up. For most of them natural childbirth won't happen, but adoption may and this is good. What matters most is the strength that society reaps from these unions. The power of an aligned and loving couple who trust one another enough to make such a lifetime commitment can't be measured. I remember saying when I married that my husband and I were of a second marriage age, but a first marriage couple. He was 45 and I was 33.
Is there a downside to getting married in your mid-forties? Aside from having passed a healthy child-bearing age, I don't see anything but an upside. Keeping the dream alive and making the courageous leap into the solemn promise to one imperfect person just like yourself is an asset to your character. Never give up. There is always someone out there for you, not just anybody, but your destiny.
Friday, January 30, 2009
You're still getting married
One thing for sure, people do not stop getting married in a recession. But what I can't predict right now is how big and fancy the weddings will be. Some of the couples I meet are having slightly grand affairs, but grand for me is not the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan.
My prices don't vary much with the economy since they are fairly standard for the service I provide. Cost cutting seems to be in the catering area and perhaps the videographers are losing some business. I've spoken with couples who will use a family member to capture those moments.
However, there are a few brides I've met recently who are having only the Maid of Honor and Best Man, no other bridal party. This is a cost cutter, especially for the would be bridesmaids and groomsmen.
My own wedding cost $2000 and included 60 guests in an outdoor setting of a home we were already renting for the summer. We had bagels and cold cuts to eat, champagne and wine and beer and a carrot wedding cake with white roses atop (real ones you don't eat). That was in the days when people didn't splurge as much. We had no professional photographer since we had so many talented artsy friends who took the pictures and sent them to us. My dress was an antique from 1910 purchased for $50 from a shop on Amsterdam Avenue on the Upper West Side of New York.
But enough of reminiscence. The jury is out on wedding costs for 2009. I'll report on this later, but honestly, I don't ask people their entire budget. I can tell by other signals and this should be an interesting year.
My prices don't vary much with the economy since they are fairly standard for the service I provide. Cost cutting seems to be in the catering area and perhaps the videographers are losing some business. I've spoken with couples who will use a family member to capture those moments.
However, there are a few brides I've met recently who are having only the Maid of Honor and Best Man, no other bridal party. This is a cost cutter, especially for the would be bridesmaids and groomsmen.
My own wedding cost $2000 and included 60 guests in an outdoor setting of a home we were already renting for the summer. We had bagels and cold cuts to eat, champagne and wine and beer and a carrot wedding cake with white roses atop (real ones you don't eat). That was in the days when people didn't splurge as much. We had no professional photographer since we had so many talented artsy friends who took the pictures and sent them to us. My dress was an antique from 1910 purchased for $50 from a shop on Amsterdam Avenue on the Upper West Side of New York.
But enough of reminiscence. The jury is out on wedding costs for 2009. I'll report on this later, but honestly, I don't ask people their entire budget. I can tell by other signals and this should be an interesting year.
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