Trains

No, not the ones we run to and depend on for work.

Trains are beautiful additions to the weddng processional and recessional and sometimes set up the bride in the post wedding pictures to look like a queen. But they're tricky in a wedding ceremony. Some Maids of Honor seem to forget that their job will be to adjust the train when and if the bride has almost any movement to perform in her wedding ceremony, and almost every bride does have at least one small movement to make, small but active enough to affect how her dress and train move with her.

My suggestion: at the rehearsal, ask the MOH to act out this activity, including how she handles her own bouquet while performng this task. I've never seen a train disaster, but there are awkward moments that can be avoided, just by this tiny addition to the rehearsal.

Ushers

Small weddings sometimes suggest a relaxed atmosphere. If there are fifty guests invited to sit in the outdoors, and guests come dressed in garden party comfort, they can find a seat suitable for themselves, right? At least most people know better than to take the first row, the one reserved (with or without a sign) for the couple's immediate family.

There's one problem, and one I know from years of teaching and presenting seminars: given a chance to choose their own seating, most people will fill up the back rows and scrupulously avoid the front.

I recently officiated a wedding with sixty guests invited to an exquisite outdoor setting. When the processional was about to begin and I was standing in my official spot, I saw the first five rows were virtually empty. As the bridal party was slightly delayed, I took the opportunity to announce to latecomers and to others crowded together in the last two rows that there were plenty of seats up front. By sheer luck, I was able to fill in the areas that ushers, had there been any, should have filled in.

The simple solution here is to designate any trusted young man or woman to merely guide people to the front rows. Ushers as such are not formalities to be avoided in a more casual wedding; they are necessary to set the stage for coziness and community in the ceremony itself.

Other old customs

Perhaps I've lived too long in the Northeast (East Coast), but I haven't seen a bouquet thrown to eligible "maidens", nor have I seen a garter slithered off the thigh of a new bride, only to be thrown to the eligible bachelors in a very long time ( more that ten years).

Wedding receptions have come a long way. We still have the formal entrnce of the couple and even their wedding party and parents, and many do this aspect with flourish and imagination. Last summer I watched a couple I had just married enter their reception in Red Sox regalia. Another baseball couple this year hired the official game announcer at Fenway Park to trumpet their entance.

But the first dance used to be just a dance. Today couples take salsa, samba, or minuet lessons, or stop just shy of outright gymnastics to kick off a reception with more fun than sobriety. And customs have crossovers as well. I am officiating a ceremony later this year where a Christian bride is planning to stand beneath the traditional Jewish chuppah.

I guess this is a sign of one world, and I think it's great.

The old days

I remember a custom from the last century (not sure which decade it might have died out) when couples who were newly married got into a car decorated with white ribbons and with tin cans tied to the tailpipe and honked horns driving all over town, announcing they were "Just Married".

I swear I haven't seen this for at least twenty years. Yes, couples still might hire a limo, but what happened to the noisy hoopla? And where did this custom originate? Please send me what you know. I'll post your description. Also tell me if this custom is still practiced wherever you live.

Significant Other Attending Persons

Before the daunting task of figuring out seating arangements for the reception, there comes an earlier and sometimes diffficult decision: who will be the "Maid" of Honor and who will be the "Best" Man? Take away the words honor and best and this might be a little easier.

For many it's fine to select a beloved sister or brother and that eliminates competition among friends. But you're actually not stuck with even a single selection. I recently officiated a ceremony where the groom's brother and sister shared his Best Person status. In other weddings I've conducted, there was no name designation among the attendants, but the person standing closest to the bride and groom handed over the rings at the designated time.

There are weddings with no attendants at all---someone (usually pretty special) sitting up front among the guests rises to offer the rings and that's the end of it.

Bottom line: you have choices. Best and honor don't have to weigh you down.

Wedding vows

The traditional wedding vows are serious business. Probably the hardest one to uphold is: for richer, for poorer. Few of us are so hard-hearted to abandon a sick spouse or run from the sorrows of a shared suffering. But poorer has it all: it's worse, it's often sorrowful, and its miseries can make us sick.

We tend not to dwell on the vows, but in fact they are solemn promises to keep. The vows are the center of the ceremony and even if we have a civil ceremony, the vows themselves are what makes it all legal. We don't need the rings, and here in Massachusetts, we don't even need witnesses.

So, if you're writing your own vows, look first at tradition---those words can be excellent guidelines to how you construct your own promises.

Admit impediments

Shakepeare starts his beautiful sonnet: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments..."

I recently officiated a wedding where the bride's father joked to me during the rehearsal: "Don't you all ask anymore about impediments to this union, or is there anyone who objects?" I hadn't thought about that in a long time.

Although there are literary works that show this custom and a few clever commercials that do the same, it's rarely done today. We just assume that if the two of them get down the aisle without disruption, we just don't have to ask about impediments. After all, the impediment screening happens when the license is issued. If one party (or both) is not capable of proving divorce, the license is withheld.

Admitting impediments is not the same as having legitmate differences. Some of these differences we won't know till years into the marraige. It's not that people consciously keep secrets from one another, it's just that we fail to understnad ourselves (or each other) until we have critical opportunities to learn. Marriage is a risk; that's what makes it an interesting adventure.