Yes. That's what it means to plan a wedding.
Most brides do their own planning and organizing and many do it without the help of a dedicated mother or sister. Some whom I meet have an amazing self-assurance, as if they have known what they want, including many of the details, for years before they became engaged.
Others are in a free fall (I was many years ago). They summon up the courage to make decisions in the face of uncertainty and they do a fine job, in spite of the temporary fear. When I ask couples what is their vision for their ceremony, they often draw a blank. The second question--what is it you don't want?---is much easier to answer. A vision sounds too big to articulate. Deciding on favors and food is discreet and direct: it tastes good or it doesn't; it looks good on a table or it doesn't.
There's one thing that planning a wedding without having had experience will teach you. If you think you have no direct road map for this extraordinary and once-in-a-lifetime event, just wait till you have your first baby. Then you're flying!!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Fun During Your Ceremony
Everyone has a definition of fun, and while everyone likes to laugh, some of us push the edges of fun beyond the comfort level of others. I have never been pushed into un-fun fun. As a nondenominational wedding officiant, I have an open point of view for brides and grooms who want a "light-hearted" ceremony. The hallmark of my scripted weddings is the love story, custom written and delivered at the top of the twenty-minute time frame. I often find the funny things a couple tells me and poke fun at the foibles of falling in love.
Every wedding season, among the two dozen ceremonies I perform, I find a couple or two who are die-hard Red Sox fans and want to include a theme around their beloved team. I was interviewed for a wedding three years ago for a couple who wanted to have the game playing in the background on an over sized flat screen TV. They didn't hire me and I'm glad. Another couple last year called last minute as they were trying to secure Fenway Park for an 11 AM pre-grame wedding, but they couldn't get the permit. They didn't hire me and I was disappointed.
What is there about the Red Sox that inspires so many otherwise sane people to include them in their wedding ceremonies? For me it's this: when life is getting me down, I tune in to NECN and cheer for my "boys". It takes my attention away from whatever is grabbing me and throws my energy into the roar of the crowd and the skill of the players. I think there is a parallel to being in love: it's not easy to maintain a loving relationship (falling in love is not so hard). Belonging to Red Sox Nation is a tribal identity, one that takes you both to the same place: enthusiasm, reconciliation, and alignment. I have always marveled at couples who support the Yankees and Red Sox. These are people who know how to compromise!
Every wedding season, among the two dozen ceremonies I perform, I find a couple or two who are die-hard Red Sox fans and want to include a theme around their beloved team. I was interviewed for a wedding three years ago for a couple who wanted to have the game playing in the background on an over sized flat screen TV. They didn't hire me and I'm glad. Another couple last year called last minute as they were trying to secure Fenway Park for an 11 AM pre-grame wedding, but they couldn't get the permit. They didn't hire me and I was disappointed.
What is there about the Red Sox that inspires so many otherwise sane people to include them in their wedding ceremonies? For me it's this: when life is getting me down, I tune in to NECN and cheer for my "boys". It takes my attention away from whatever is grabbing me and throws my energy into the roar of the crowd and the skill of the players. I think there is a parallel to being in love: it's not easy to maintain a loving relationship (falling in love is not so hard). Belonging to Red Sox Nation is a tribal identity, one that takes you both to the same place: enthusiasm, reconciliation, and alignment. I have always marveled at couples who support the Yankees and Red Sox. These are people who know how to compromise!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Outdoor weddings and rain
I posted on this before, but it's worth a second look. About a year ago, I officiated a wedding in Cape Cod, set in a country club with magnificent ocean views. We all arrived the day before and rehearsed about 24 hours ahead of the scheduled event. The rehearsal evening was cool and grey and the forecast for Saturday was ambiguous: maybe a sprinkle but cloudy and grey and no warmer than 52-54 degrees. The bride decided right then and there: rehearse indoors and close the option for the outdoors, short of a miracle.
The next day, it was 52 degrees, misty and grey and the wedding indoors was exquisite.
Why do I tell you this? For those of you planning park weddings out in the open air, separate from your reception (not on the same grounds where you can conveniently move your wedding indoors within one hundred feet), allow yourself to call the shots on the rehearsal day, rather than make last minute decisions on the wedding day itself, without a careful rehearsal for the reception room. Some months later, I officiated another ceremony planned for a lovely park view. The rehearsal day scenario was exactly the same as the Cape Cod wedding, but the bride could not be convinced to move the rehearsal to the reception area. The wedding day weather was too cool and wet and the venue was changed to the reception hall some four miles away, and three hours before the wedding.
The bride was so disappointed, she could not relax enough to follow rather simple instructions on how to adjust to the ceremony in the hall. The heart of the ceremony was still intimate, with all the right things happening after we got past the processional, but why sacrifice any part of a necessarily well-choreographed event, one requiring precision, especially when not performed in a church?
If the weather report is even bordering on bad for the wedding day, do the rehearsal in the alternative venue. Every bride deserves to be at peace and relaxed on her wedding day. Disappointment should not an option.
The next day, it was 52 degrees, misty and grey and the wedding indoors was exquisite.
Why do I tell you this? For those of you planning park weddings out in the open air, separate from your reception (not on the same grounds where you can conveniently move your wedding indoors within one hundred feet), allow yourself to call the shots on the rehearsal day, rather than make last minute decisions on the wedding day itself, without a careful rehearsal for the reception room. Some months later, I officiated another ceremony planned for a lovely park view. The rehearsal day scenario was exactly the same as the Cape Cod wedding, but the bride could not be convinced to move the rehearsal to the reception area. The wedding day weather was too cool and wet and the venue was changed to the reception hall some four miles away, and three hours before the wedding.
The bride was so disappointed, she could not relax enough to follow rather simple instructions on how to adjust to the ceremony in the hall. The heart of the ceremony was still intimate, with all the right things happening after we got past the processional, but why sacrifice any part of a necessarily well-choreographed event, one requiring precision, especially when not performed in a church?
If the weather report is even bordering on bad for the wedding day, do the rehearsal in the alternative venue. Every bride deserves to be at peace and relaxed on her wedding day. Disappointment should not an option.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wedding movies and bridal attendants
Yes, there have been a few truly fine "wedding-themed" movies made in the past five years---Monsoon Wedding the one that comes to mind as exceptional. However, there are several this year that are worthy of a Friday, the 13th laugh.
Coming out in early May is one called Made of Honor. It's a man this time who gets the esteemed wedding role, only he is also a disappointed suitor who uses this opportunity to disrupt and destroy the nuptials and the future of this couple, in order to win the girl for himself. The trailer has some funny moments, but why bother with such a plot at all?
It comes down of course to what sells. If movies mostly pander to a young market, everyone sooner or later marries someone or wants to, and the pursuit of an ideal love interest will always draw attention, why not use weddings as the backdrop for all the drama?
Having a man as Maid of Honor is actually not so unusual. I have done a few weddings where the groom has women on his attendants' side and the bride has a man or two among her attendants. This is often a cherished sister or brother. It does blow the old-fashioned photo op of a long string of same clad women and a balanced string of penguin dressed men encircling the couple in the rose garden of a nearby park at sunset, but it does show a strong will to break with tradition and have the wedding party that pleases you. If that's what you want, the photographer can figure out how to pose the picture. No problem. the wedding guests surely don't care.
Just check that the guy you have standing next to you doesn't plan to murder your beloved groom.
Coming out in early May is one called Made of Honor. It's a man this time who gets the esteemed wedding role, only he is also a disappointed suitor who uses this opportunity to disrupt and destroy the nuptials and the future of this couple, in order to win the girl for himself. The trailer has some funny moments, but why bother with such a plot at all?
It comes down of course to what sells. If movies mostly pander to a young market, everyone sooner or later marries someone or wants to, and the pursuit of an ideal love interest will always draw attention, why not use weddings as the backdrop for all the drama?
Having a man as Maid of Honor is actually not so unusual. I have done a few weddings where the groom has women on his attendants' side and the bride has a man or two among her attendants. This is often a cherished sister or brother. It does blow the old-fashioned photo op of a long string of same clad women and a balanced string of penguin dressed men encircling the couple in the rose garden of a nearby park at sunset, but it does show a strong will to break with tradition and have the wedding party that pleases you. If that's what you want, the photographer can figure out how to pose the picture. No problem. the wedding guests surely don't care.
Just check that the guy you have standing next to you doesn't plan to murder your beloved groom.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Checking In
It's been too long since I've posted here, and I apologize. I have two other blogs and they have had more attention lately.
I woke up this morning thinking about the still undeclared "recession" we're in and wondered how it's affecting the wedding industry. Since I don't follow those statistics, mostly because my role in the industry is as outsider, I can only guess where couples might be cutting back.
What's the biggest expense? Food and beverage for 150 guests is a good place to start. I remember my sister's wedding in 1959. Back in those days, most weddings were in the late morning in churches or synagogues and receptions were some hours later (often in the evening). We were very middle class, and that group did not go to hotels with sit down dinners; we went to American Legion halls or Knights of Columbus halls and had table spreads of chicken, roast beef and spaghetti. People lined up with a paper plate to serve themselves from a chafing dish.
I remembered a wedding I officiated last November where the bride told me almost apologetically that she would have food "stations" and her guests could help themselves. As it turned out, this was quite well-executed. Since each food station was in a separate corner of the reception room and each corner featured special food groups, there were no long lines anywhere. I was on a diet, so I loved serving myself excellent salad and a dollop of shrimp.
So if you're looking at cost cutting, I'm sure this was a bargain compared to waiter served plates. And weddings are a once in a lifetime expense. Cut back on other things.
I woke up this morning thinking about the still undeclared "recession" we're in and wondered how it's affecting the wedding industry. Since I don't follow those statistics, mostly because my role in the industry is as outsider, I can only guess where couples might be cutting back.
What's the biggest expense? Food and beverage for 150 guests is a good place to start. I remember my sister's wedding in 1959. Back in those days, most weddings were in the late morning in churches or synagogues and receptions were some hours later (often in the evening). We were very middle class, and that group did not go to hotels with sit down dinners; we went to American Legion halls or Knights of Columbus halls and had table spreads of chicken, roast beef and spaghetti. People lined up with a paper plate to serve themselves from a chafing dish.
I remembered a wedding I officiated last November where the bride told me almost apologetically that she would have food "stations" and her guests could help themselves. As it turned out, this was quite well-executed. Since each food station was in a separate corner of the reception room and each corner featured special food groups, there were no long lines anywhere. I was on a diet, so I loved serving myself excellent salad and a dollop of shrimp.
So if you're looking at cost cutting, I'm sure this was a bargain compared to waiter served plates. And weddings are a once in a lifetime expense. Cut back on other things.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Same Sex Marriages
I live in Massachusetts and as such I have the freedom and the privilege to officiate for two people of the same sex. Marriage equality was passed in Massachusetts, taking effect May 17, 2004.
About 20% of my wedding ceremonies are with same sex couples. Recently I was surprised when a woman called and asked me to officiate her ceremony and before we got off the phone, she asked me somewhat apologetically if I was agreeable to solemnizing her wedding to her female partner. I say surprised because of the apology. I can only assume she has encountered discrimination and wanted to protect herself from my possible rejection of her when we met to discuss her upcoming ceremony.
I frankly believe this issue will disappear in another twenty years, but meanwhile I wish today to go on record saying that homosexuality is a private matter and as such is a fully human experience, nor more deviant than, but equally valid as, heterosexual behavior.
The couples I've wed have had children together, parented adopted children together, built businesses together and contributed mightily to their communities together. They have, in short, done exactly the same as opposite sex couples. It's time to get over this as a nation. Massachusetts is a great example of how heterosexual marriages were not threatened nor were they diminished when the laws were passed and executed here in 2004. Freedom for one segment of society is not at the expense of any other segment when we look squarely at the truth. To all same sex couples looking to honor your relationship in a committed legal contract: welcome and please don't apologize.
About 20% of my wedding ceremonies are with same sex couples. Recently I was surprised when a woman called and asked me to officiate her ceremony and before we got off the phone, she asked me somewhat apologetically if I was agreeable to solemnizing her wedding to her female partner. I say surprised because of the apology. I can only assume she has encountered discrimination and wanted to protect herself from my possible rejection of her when we met to discuss her upcoming ceremony.
I frankly believe this issue will disappear in another twenty years, but meanwhile I wish today to go on record saying that homosexuality is a private matter and as such is a fully human experience, nor more deviant than, but equally valid as, heterosexual behavior.
The couples I've wed have had children together, parented adopted children together, built businesses together and contributed mightily to their communities together. They have, in short, done exactly the same as opposite sex couples. It's time to get over this as a nation. Massachusetts is a great example of how heterosexual marriages were not threatened nor were they diminished when the laws were passed and executed here in 2004. Freedom for one segment of society is not at the expense of any other segment when we look squarely at the truth. To all same sex couples looking to honor your relationship in a committed legal contract: welcome and please don't apologize.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Eye contact
After enough ceremonies to notice how nerves can overtake a ceremony flow, I want to suggest a simple avenue to relaxation: after you take a deep breath, look at someone, anyone, to keep yourself focused and calm.
The most obvious eyes to gaze into would be your groom (or bride), but not necessarily so. After all, this is a historic moment, and you both may be feeling jittery. In my work as an officiant, at the beginning of the ceremony, before the official words are spoken, I look at the parents sitting in the first row: they have an emotional bond and a field of gratitude for having this day come to pass. Of course they also feel included---eye contact creates its own special bond.
With the bride and groom I tell them to look at each other during their vows. These are promises you make to each other, not to your officiant. Sometimes the couple fears this: what if I cry? Yes, what if? What's wrong with crying? Your heart is full and you know the deep value of your words, the sincerity of your intention. The other suggestion I make is that if the nerves overwhelm you, look at me: I'll bring you back to yourself.
What's the point of eye contact? The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the soul of those who love you has no nerves, only free space. It's this place of peace, of openness that we look for in a ceremony. The eyes have it.
The most obvious eyes to gaze into would be your groom (or bride), but not necessarily so. After all, this is a historic moment, and you both may be feeling jittery. In my work as an officiant, at the beginning of the ceremony, before the official words are spoken, I look at the parents sitting in the first row: they have an emotional bond and a field of gratitude for having this day come to pass. Of course they also feel included---eye contact creates its own special bond.
With the bride and groom I tell them to look at each other during their vows. These are promises you make to each other, not to your officiant. Sometimes the couple fears this: what if I cry? Yes, what if? What's wrong with crying? Your heart is full and you know the deep value of your words, the sincerity of your intention. The other suggestion I make is that if the nerves overwhelm you, look at me: I'll bring you back to yourself.
What's the point of eye contact? The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the soul of those who love you has no nerves, only free space. It's this place of peace, of openness that we look for in a ceremony. The eyes have it.
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