As a career advisor, I hesitate coaching anyone into a maverick posture when they have a job offer at 20-40% less than their last paycheck, but they have the clock ticking against the three months severance from their last job and their mortgage and their child's college tuition payments are on the horizon for several more years.
BUT... It's OK to think that "I don't need this; I don't need to settle; I can keep going until I'm in a financial squeeze that compels me to take that much less".
The same is true for consulting fees. This happens when potential clients attempt to nickel and dime you. In my wedding celebrant business, I get calls from people who have seen my website and tell me they've read the range of fees for my services. On the website, I do not outline point for point where the charges break down, but if I start at the low of 250, it's strange to hear a groom tell me he's having a wedding with 100 guests at the most expensive hotel in this city and he wants to pay me no more than 150! There is nothing wrong with shopping price, but there's an image issue and a values issue here---this groom would not ask his hotel caterers to serve jello mold for dessert or ask his photographer to use discount disposables, to cut costs. It's just NOT DONE. He knows this.
I don't need his money, even though I had that weekend open this summer. At the same time, there are others who engage my services for 150. Who are they? These are people like a couple I married in May, who came to my house and in my meditation room said their vows. I gave them a keepsake copy of the standard script, took pictures for them, had fresh flowers at the front door and found small tokens to decorate the ceremony room to reflect their Latino nationality. My services were their biggest expense.
It all comes down to this: none of us needs anyone else's money, whether we're in plenty or in want. We need to earn a living and money shows up when we contribute to the greater good. So remember this, not as a defensive posture, but as an empowerment and a sign of inherent trust.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Green weddings: going organic
There are occasionally organic wedding ceremonies and I witnessed (officiated) one last Saturday evening. What makes a wedding organic? It springs from the natural, and a park wedding, rain or shine is natural, especially when the temp reaches 94 degrees at 5 PM.
This wedding was originally designed to be just the bride and groom and yours truly. The photographer would snap pictures and the couple would have a party in the Fall and show the photos and tell their friends what the day was like. But something Pied Piper happened on the way to the nuptials.
And we ended up with thirty guests, including the bride's father flying in from North Carolina, and her grandmother driving in with other family from fifty miles south of the city. So as we waited for the couple to arrive from opposite ends of the park, we formed an honor guard. And then someone said the two gorgeous teenage sisters (nieces of the bride) could sing a Josh Groban song a Capella in harmony, well....you get the picture?
This was an organic wedding, the ultimate in GREEN. The grand tree facing the swan pond was decorated with battery operated votive candles (you can't bring fire into the park); we had no chairs but formed a semi-circle around the pair; by default we opened the guest list to twenty or more passersby.
We were lucky in many ways. The girls ability to sing was just the stroke of musicality that added a refinement that I would not have imagined we could add at the last minute. But there it was. Green weddings at this level are not for everyone. As hot as we were, we could easily have been chilled out and hovering beneath umbrellas. But that's how the real green weddings work. We were all there for the words, the commitment and the joy of the outdoors and all its possibilities.
This wedding was originally designed to be just the bride and groom and yours truly. The photographer would snap pictures and the couple would have a party in the Fall and show the photos and tell their friends what the day was like. But something Pied Piper happened on the way to the nuptials.
And we ended up with thirty guests, including the bride's father flying in from North Carolina, and her grandmother driving in with other family from fifty miles south of the city. So as we waited for the couple to arrive from opposite ends of the park, we formed an honor guard. And then someone said the two gorgeous teenage sisters (nieces of the bride) could sing a Josh Groban song a Capella in harmony, well....you get the picture?
This was an organic wedding, the ultimate in GREEN. The grand tree facing the swan pond was decorated with battery operated votive candles (you can't bring fire into the park); we had no chairs but formed a semi-circle around the pair; by default we opened the guest list to twenty or more passersby.
We were lucky in many ways. The girls ability to sing was just the stroke of musicality that added a refinement that I would not have imagined we could add at the last minute. But there it was. Green weddings at this level are not for everyone. As hot as we were, we could easily have been chilled out and hovering beneath umbrellas. But that's how the real green weddings work. We were all there for the words, the commitment and the joy of the outdoors and all its possibilities.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Wow. It's June
I have been remiss in my posting here; it's been several weeks since I've given myself the time to write. So what's new?
I have turned a corner in developing wedding ceremonies. Through the amazing trust and courage of several recent couples, I have written and will soon deliver their love stories without their having seen and approved the script copy before they hear my rendering for the first time.
Some of you don't know that in my officiating ceremonies, I introduce the couple and begin the ceremony unofficially by telling the gathered guests the story of this couple and how they came to be standing in our midst ready to commit to a lifelong union. Up until a few weeks ago, I wrote the ceremony and sent it back to the couple to read and approve. After all, they should hear what their guests will hear. But recently several couples have said that they wanted their beloved other's thoughts about them told to them as a surprise. And having done this once two weeks ago, I can see that it has an amazing depth of intimacy I never could have guessed.
This new trust has opened up a richer way of writing, a bolder level of speaking. The wedding ceremonies I now write get much closer to the poetry that exists within the hearts and minds of the individual people whose story I'm telling. Couples who use my services are required to answer a series of questions about themselves and each other and if they let themselves answer fully and honestly, they usually say the most exquisite things well worth telling just the way they wrote those words.
Thank you for your trust. It is my pleasure and privilege.
I have turned a corner in developing wedding ceremonies. Through the amazing trust and courage of several recent couples, I have written and will soon deliver their love stories without their having seen and approved the script copy before they hear my rendering for the first time.
Some of you don't know that in my officiating ceremonies, I introduce the couple and begin the ceremony unofficially by telling the gathered guests the story of this couple and how they came to be standing in our midst ready to commit to a lifelong union. Up until a few weeks ago, I wrote the ceremony and sent it back to the couple to read and approve. After all, they should hear what their guests will hear. But recently several couples have said that they wanted their beloved other's thoughts about them told to them as a surprise. And having done this once two weeks ago, I can see that it has an amazing depth of intimacy I never could have guessed.
This new trust has opened up a richer way of writing, a bolder level of speaking. The wedding ceremonies I now write get much closer to the poetry that exists within the hearts and minds of the individual people whose story I'm telling. Couples who use my services are required to answer a series of questions about themselves and each other and if they let themselves answer fully and honestly, they usually say the most exquisite things well worth telling just the way they wrote those words.
Thank you for your trust. It is my pleasure and privilege.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Fear of flying
Yes. That's what it means to plan a wedding.
Most brides do their own planning and organizing and many do it without the help of a dedicated mother or sister. Some whom I meet have an amazing self-assurance, as if they have known what they want, including many of the details, for years before they became engaged.
Others are in a free fall (I was many years ago). They summon up the courage to make decisions in the face of uncertainty and they do a fine job, in spite of the temporary fear. When I ask couples what is their vision for their ceremony, they often draw a blank. The second question--what is it you don't want?---is much easier to answer. A vision sounds too big to articulate. Deciding on favors and food is discreet and direct: it tastes good or it doesn't; it looks good on a table or it doesn't.
There's one thing that planning a wedding without having had experience will teach you. If you think you have no direct road map for this extraordinary and once-in-a-lifetime event, just wait till you have your first baby. Then you're flying!!
Most brides do their own planning and organizing and many do it without the help of a dedicated mother or sister. Some whom I meet have an amazing self-assurance, as if they have known what they want, including many of the details, for years before they became engaged.
Others are in a free fall (I was many years ago). They summon up the courage to make decisions in the face of uncertainty and they do a fine job, in spite of the temporary fear. When I ask couples what is their vision for their ceremony, they often draw a blank. The second question--what is it you don't want?---is much easier to answer. A vision sounds too big to articulate. Deciding on favors and food is discreet and direct: it tastes good or it doesn't; it looks good on a table or it doesn't.
There's one thing that planning a wedding without having had experience will teach you. If you think you have no direct road map for this extraordinary and once-in-a-lifetime event, just wait till you have your first baby. Then you're flying!!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Fun During Your Ceremony
Everyone has a definition of fun, and while everyone likes to laugh, some of us push the edges of fun beyond the comfort level of others. I have never been pushed into un-fun fun. As a nondenominational wedding officiant, I have an open point of view for brides and grooms who want a "light-hearted" ceremony. The hallmark of my scripted weddings is the love story, custom written and delivered at the top of the twenty-minute time frame. I often find the funny things a couple tells me and poke fun at the foibles of falling in love.
Every wedding season, among the two dozen ceremonies I perform, I find a couple or two who are die-hard Red Sox fans and want to include a theme around their beloved team. I was interviewed for a wedding three years ago for a couple who wanted to have the game playing in the background on an over sized flat screen TV. They didn't hire me and I'm glad. Another couple last year called last minute as they were trying to secure Fenway Park for an 11 AM pre-grame wedding, but they couldn't get the permit. They didn't hire me and I was disappointed.
What is there about the Red Sox that inspires so many otherwise sane people to include them in their wedding ceremonies? For me it's this: when life is getting me down, I tune in to NECN and cheer for my "boys". It takes my attention away from whatever is grabbing me and throws my energy into the roar of the crowd and the skill of the players. I think there is a parallel to being in love: it's not easy to maintain a loving relationship (falling in love is not so hard). Belonging to Red Sox Nation is a tribal identity, one that takes you both to the same place: enthusiasm, reconciliation, and alignment. I have always marveled at couples who support the Yankees and Red Sox. These are people who know how to compromise!
Every wedding season, among the two dozen ceremonies I perform, I find a couple or two who are die-hard Red Sox fans and want to include a theme around their beloved team. I was interviewed for a wedding three years ago for a couple who wanted to have the game playing in the background on an over sized flat screen TV. They didn't hire me and I'm glad. Another couple last year called last minute as they were trying to secure Fenway Park for an 11 AM pre-grame wedding, but they couldn't get the permit. They didn't hire me and I was disappointed.
What is there about the Red Sox that inspires so many otherwise sane people to include them in their wedding ceremonies? For me it's this: when life is getting me down, I tune in to NECN and cheer for my "boys". It takes my attention away from whatever is grabbing me and throws my energy into the roar of the crowd and the skill of the players. I think there is a parallel to being in love: it's not easy to maintain a loving relationship (falling in love is not so hard). Belonging to Red Sox Nation is a tribal identity, one that takes you both to the same place: enthusiasm, reconciliation, and alignment. I have always marveled at couples who support the Yankees and Red Sox. These are people who know how to compromise!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Outdoor weddings and rain
I posted on this before, but it's worth a second look. About a year ago, I officiated a wedding in Cape Cod, set in a country club with magnificent ocean views. We all arrived the day before and rehearsed about 24 hours ahead of the scheduled event. The rehearsal evening was cool and grey and the forecast for Saturday was ambiguous: maybe a sprinkle but cloudy and grey and no warmer than 52-54 degrees. The bride decided right then and there: rehearse indoors and close the option for the outdoors, short of a miracle.
The next day, it was 52 degrees, misty and grey and the wedding indoors was exquisite.
Why do I tell you this? For those of you planning park weddings out in the open air, separate from your reception (not on the same grounds where you can conveniently move your wedding indoors within one hundred feet), allow yourself to call the shots on the rehearsal day, rather than make last minute decisions on the wedding day itself, without a careful rehearsal for the reception room. Some months later, I officiated another ceremony planned for a lovely park view. The rehearsal day scenario was exactly the same as the Cape Cod wedding, but the bride could not be convinced to move the rehearsal to the reception area. The wedding day weather was too cool and wet and the venue was changed to the reception hall some four miles away, and three hours before the wedding.
The bride was so disappointed, she could not relax enough to follow rather simple instructions on how to adjust to the ceremony in the hall. The heart of the ceremony was still intimate, with all the right things happening after we got past the processional, but why sacrifice any part of a necessarily well-choreographed event, one requiring precision, especially when not performed in a church?
If the weather report is even bordering on bad for the wedding day, do the rehearsal in the alternative venue. Every bride deserves to be at peace and relaxed on her wedding day. Disappointment should not an option.
The next day, it was 52 degrees, misty and grey and the wedding indoors was exquisite.
Why do I tell you this? For those of you planning park weddings out in the open air, separate from your reception (not on the same grounds where you can conveniently move your wedding indoors within one hundred feet), allow yourself to call the shots on the rehearsal day, rather than make last minute decisions on the wedding day itself, without a careful rehearsal for the reception room. Some months later, I officiated another ceremony planned for a lovely park view. The rehearsal day scenario was exactly the same as the Cape Cod wedding, but the bride could not be convinced to move the rehearsal to the reception area. The wedding day weather was too cool and wet and the venue was changed to the reception hall some four miles away, and three hours before the wedding.
The bride was so disappointed, she could not relax enough to follow rather simple instructions on how to adjust to the ceremony in the hall. The heart of the ceremony was still intimate, with all the right things happening after we got past the processional, but why sacrifice any part of a necessarily well-choreographed event, one requiring precision, especially when not performed in a church?
If the weather report is even bordering on bad for the wedding day, do the rehearsal in the alternative venue. Every bride deserves to be at peace and relaxed on her wedding day. Disappointment should not an option.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wedding movies and bridal attendants
Yes, there have been a few truly fine "wedding-themed" movies made in the past five years---Monsoon Wedding the one that comes to mind as exceptional. However, there are several this year that are worthy of a Friday, the 13th laugh.
Coming out in early May is one called Made of Honor. It's a man this time who gets the esteemed wedding role, only he is also a disappointed suitor who uses this opportunity to disrupt and destroy the nuptials and the future of this couple, in order to win the girl for himself. The trailer has some funny moments, but why bother with such a plot at all?
It comes down of course to what sells. If movies mostly pander to a young market, everyone sooner or later marries someone or wants to, and the pursuit of an ideal love interest will always draw attention, why not use weddings as the backdrop for all the drama?
Having a man as Maid of Honor is actually not so unusual. I have done a few weddings where the groom has women on his attendants' side and the bride has a man or two among her attendants. This is often a cherished sister or brother. It does blow the old-fashioned photo op of a long string of same clad women and a balanced string of penguin dressed men encircling the couple in the rose garden of a nearby park at sunset, but it does show a strong will to break with tradition and have the wedding party that pleases you. If that's what you want, the photographer can figure out how to pose the picture. No problem. the wedding guests surely don't care.
Just check that the guy you have standing next to you doesn't plan to murder your beloved groom.
Coming out in early May is one called Made of Honor. It's a man this time who gets the esteemed wedding role, only he is also a disappointed suitor who uses this opportunity to disrupt and destroy the nuptials and the future of this couple, in order to win the girl for himself. The trailer has some funny moments, but why bother with such a plot at all?
It comes down of course to what sells. If movies mostly pander to a young market, everyone sooner or later marries someone or wants to, and the pursuit of an ideal love interest will always draw attention, why not use weddings as the backdrop for all the drama?
Having a man as Maid of Honor is actually not so unusual. I have done a few weddings where the groom has women on his attendants' side and the bride has a man or two among her attendants. This is often a cherished sister or brother. It does blow the old-fashioned photo op of a long string of same clad women and a balanced string of penguin dressed men encircling the couple in the rose garden of a nearby park at sunset, but it does show a strong will to break with tradition and have the wedding party that pleases you. If that's what you want, the photographer can figure out how to pose the picture. No problem. the wedding guests surely don't care.
Just check that the guy you have standing next to you doesn't plan to murder your beloved groom.
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