No, not the kind where you serve wine and cheese, but the group of people we formally call your attendants.
I met a recent bride to be who has a good way to keep it simple, but include many loved ones in her ceremony. She's having five close female friends walk down the aisle in the processional, but only her two sisters are flanking her at her side for the ceremony. This way her attendants are signified as her special group but her sisters have the formal post to hold up during the actual nuptials.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Receptions and your officiant
I have an officiant friend who was surprised and concerned about hearing from a groom that he was expecting her and her husband to come to the couples' wedding reception.
In days past when it was clergy who married almost everyone, it was not unusual for a priest, minister or rabbi to attend a wedding reception and offer a blessing before the meal. Today the rules have changed. A nondenominational minister or JP does not hold the same relationship with the couple or any close family member, so the pastoral role is not present right from the start. However, the couple may still seek to create a bond, however fleeting, with the officiant and may want to include that person among the reception's guests.
What to do? Well, no single officiant I know is expecting an invitation. We work for you to create your ceremony. All the other events of your wedding are separate and unique, but distinct from your actual ceremony. You are not obligated to invite your officiant to your reception, but if it's very important to you, make this clear before you hire him or her. You are paying your officiant to write, rehearse and perform your ceremony. You neither need to incur extra cost to host the officiant, nor do you want to necessarily request extra time from your officiant either.
A prearranged agreement is fine, as long as all parties are comfortable. If you don't want to discuss it, assume your officiant is not expecting to be seated at any guest table after your ceremony.
In days past when it was clergy who married almost everyone, it was not unusual for a priest, minister or rabbi to attend a wedding reception and offer a blessing before the meal. Today the rules have changed. A nondenominational minister or JP does not hold the same relationship with the couple or any close family member, so the pastoral role is not present right from the start. However, the couple may still seek to create a bond, however fleeting, with the officiant and may want to include that person among the reception's guests.
What to do? Well, no single officiant I know is expecting an invitation. We work for you to create your ceremony. All the other events of your wedding are separate and unique, but distinct from your actual ceremony. You are not obligated to invite your officiant to your reception, but if it's very important to you, make this clear before you hire him or her. You are paying your officiant to write, rehearse and perform your ceremony. You neither need to incur extra cost to host the officiant, nor do you want to necessarily request extra time from your officiant either.
A prearranged agreement is fine, as long as all parties are comfortable. If you don't want to discuss it, assume your officiant is not expecting to be seated at any guest table after your ceremony.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Guest favors
For many years, it has been tradition for couples to leave a favor, a memento on the reception tables for each guest ( or guest couple) to take home. I occasionally stay for receptions and have been the recipient of a variety of interesting small items. One of my favorites was a CD of romantic songs taken from the classic swing sounds of the 30s, 40s and 50s. The groom selected the songs and did the entire mix and then had it duplicated. I still play it with enthusiasm when I drive long distances.
Other mementos include small bags for selecting from a cornucopia of candies laid out movie- concession style as one exits the reception. Another is a small booklet of photos of the couple through their courtship, sometimes showing each of them back to the toddler years.
The trend that shows up in perhaps 10 to 20% of weddings is a beautifully printed note from the couple that they have made a contribution to a favorite charity on behalf of their guests. This ordinarily includes a full explanation of what this charity does and its specific importance to the couple.
So what's the right thing to do? First of all, if you are more inclined to make your memento personal, go ahead. On the other hand, if you're inclined to make a statement by giving to a charity on behalf of your guests, don't be embarrassed to do that, either. No one, other than a five year old, is expecting a guest favor. Personally, I'm happy enough to receive a seating table number. Everything else is icing on the cake.
There is even a third alternative: you may do both! If the personal favor is so costly that the charitable contribution would be too small to have any meaning, then you have to choose. The only caveat for the charity is that it's best if your choice is non-political (and some non-political charities are still politically charged). And if you want to go ahead with a charity that may be a challenge for some of your guests, that's still your choice to defend. But remember, there may be a guest who will make an unwelcome comment.
So you can go in either direction. No one will fault you for an edible or disposable favor, but the charitable gift requires careful thought. Go with your comfort level.
Other mementos include small bags for selecting from a cornucopia of candies laid out movie- concession style as one exits the reception. Another is a small booklet of photos of the couple through their courtship, sometimes showing each of them back to the toddler years.
The trend that shows up in perhaps 10 to 20% of weddings is a beautifully printed note from the couple that they have made a contribution to a favorite charity on behalf of their guests. This ordinarily includes a full explanation of what this charity does and its specific importance to the couple.
So what's the right thing to do? First of all, if you are more inclined to make your memento personal, go ahead. On the other hand, if you're inclined to make a statement by giving to a charity on behalf of your guests, don't be embarrassed to do that, either. No one, other than a five year old, is expecting a guest favor. Personally, I'm happy enough to receive a seating table number. Everything else is icing on the cake.
There is even a third alternative: you may do both! If the personal favor is so costly that the charitable contribution would be too small to have any meaning, then you have to choose. The only caveat for the charity is that it's best if your choice is non-political (and some non-political charities are still politically charged). And if you want to go ahead with a charity that may be a challenge for some of your guests, that's still your choice to defend. But remember, there may be a guest who will make an unwelcome comment.
So you can go in either direction. No one will fault you for an edible or disposable favor, but the charitable gift requires careful thought. Go with your comfort level.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Keeping it simple
If you have a busy life (who doesn't), you may wonder how you'll survive and thrive through the multiple decisions and revisions of navigating the months, weeks, and days leading up to your wedding.
How then do you keep it simple and still realize your ideals?
1. Start with trusted recommendations. The web searches can turn up terrific people (I get many weddings that way), but it's much easier to start with people who have already proven themselves to people you trust.
2. Get someone whose judgement you trust to get on the phone and do a little prescreening for you. I spoke last weekend with the sister of a bride who was doing the early legwork for her sibling. What a gift!
3. Follow your instincts. Any vendor who stirs you positively is probably the one you'll choose. If you're really squeezed for budget, then interview for budget, but don't put quality on the back burner just to save 20%. You get what you pay for, and you won't do this wedding a second time.
4. At some point, perhaps as soon as a week or two before the wedding, go somewhere for pure TLC. That's counterintuitive. Most of us think we'll relax on the honeymoon or the three days we take off from work right after the wedding, but by then you may be truly frazzled. If all you can afford is a few hours in a hot tub, a 90 minute massage, a steam room combined with an afternoon in the pool at the Y, book it and do it.
5. I have a colleague who is a nondenominational minister as well as a yoga instructor. Edi Pasalis calls her profession I Do Yoga and she can be found on the web. Edi understands the importance of being in a peaceful space for the opening to a joyful wedding.
How then do you keep it simple and still realize your ideals?
1. Start with trusted recommendations. The web searches can turn up terrific people (I get many weddings that way), but it's much easier to start with people who have already proven themselves to people you trust.
2. Get someone whose judgement you trust to get on the phone and do a little prescreening for you. I spoke last weekend with the sister of a bride who was doing the early legwork for her sibling. What a gift!
3. Follow your instincts. Any vendor who stirs you positively is probably the one you'll choose. If you're really squeezed for budget, then interview for budget, but don't put quality on the back burner just to save 20%. You get what you pay for, and you won't do this wedding a second time.
4. At some point, perhaps as soon as a week or two before the wedding, go somewhere for pure TLC. That's counterintuitive. Most of us think we'll relax on the honeymoon or the three days we take off from work right after the wedding, but by then you may be truly frazzled. If all you can afford is a few hours in a hot tub, a 90 minute massage, a steam room combined with an afternoon in the pool at the Y, book it and do it.
5. I have a colleague who is a nondenominational minister as well as a yoga instructor. Edi Pasalis calls her profession I Do Yoga and she can be found on the web. Edi understands the importance of being in a peaceful space for the opening to a joyful wedding.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Bundle the ceremony with the reception
Years ago, couples were married on Saturday mornings in a church or synagogue, and the day was spent traveling to a variety of scenic places for endless rolls of photos, and then the reception happened at 7 or 8 that evening. This meant that guests were expected to come to a morning event and an evening one.
There were always those who skipped the wedding ceremony, especially if it was a Catholic Mass (long and mostly impersonal). After all, Catholics still had to go to Sunday Mass either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning. But skipping the ceremony was considered a little rude.
Today if couples want a morning ceremony, they often have an early afternoon reception, and if it's a church wedding, the reception venue is very close by. Even nondenominational couples having weddings in lovely parks usually choose from an abundance of fine restaurants within a mile or two. But the important factor is this: as much as your guests love you, it's a good idea to keep the whole event closely bundled into a manageable block of hours, avoiding a second drive to anywhere new, especially in big cities (like Boston, where I live and work).
I know a young bride who last year had a wedding in one town, and a reception in another town forty miles away and starting three hours after her ceremony ended. I wasn't able to attend her event but the photos showed a wedding party looking fairly exhausted. I can only guess about her guests.
There is a flow to all this and just because you like one place for the ceremony and another place for the reception doesn't mean a big travel agenda works for anyone. No matter how exciting and joyful a wedding day can be, it also must have room to breathe and relax, and waiting in downtime works against that kind of comfort.
There were always those who skipped the wedding ceremony, especially if it was a Catholic Mass (long and mostly impersonal). After all, Catholics still had to go to Sunday Mass either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning. But skipping the ceremony was considered a little rude.
Today if couples want a morning ceremony, they often have an early afternoon reception, and if it's a church wedding, the reception venue is very close by. Even nondenominational couples having weddings in lovely parks usually choose from an abundance of fine restaurants within a mile or two. But the important factor is this: as much as your guests love you, it's a good idea to keep the whole event closely bundled into a manageable block of hours, avoiding a second drive to anywhere new, especially in big cities (like Boston, where I live and work).
I know a young bride who last year had a wedding in one town, and a reception in another town forty miles away and starting three hours after her ceremony ended. I wasn't able to attend her event but the photos showed a wedding party looking fairly exhausted. I can only guess about her guests.
There is a flow to all this and just because you like one place for the ceremony and another place for the reception doesn't mean a big travel agenda works for anyone. No matter how exciting and joyful a wedding day can be, it also must have room to breathe and relax, and waiting in downtime works against that kind of comfort.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Dieting for your wedding
I have mixed feelings about this, as I spent four years as a leader for Weight Watchers and witnessed a bride or two working through the extra pounds to look glorious for her special once- in- a- lifetime day.
What argues in favor? If you know you're carrying around recent extra pounds, like weight gained in the past two years (or fewer), and you know it's due to stress eating, bad habits, or careless indulgences that can be avoided by ignoring specific people, places and things, then it might be not such a big deal to go for the weight loss.
What argues against? If you have a chronic weight problem, are carrying more than thirty pounds over your BMI limit, and you're in a hurry to lose it fast, forget it. The stress of wedding "work" and the stress of dieting can cancel each other out.
I remember a bride in my group a few years ago who was dropping weight at the rate of four to five pounds per week. She had several months to go before the wedding, but wanted to get thirty five to forty pounds shed in total and maintain it for eight weeks before the big day. She impressed other members with her amazing losses every week. WW, however, has a policy of advising members to take off weight at the average rate of one to two pounds maximum per week. This is a healthy weight loss regimen, but argues against the quickie programs out there. My young bride was gaming the system, starving herself while using the basics of Weight Watchers. Long before she finished her regime to lose, she disappeared from the meeting. I never found out if she met her personal weight loss goal.
Bottom line is this: the stress of weddings demands you take good care of yourself every step along the way. This means getting enough food in your body to keep your moods in check, a spring in your step and energy to burn. A five to ten pound loss over eight weeks can't hurt you. Any other program should be under the strict guidance of a doctor; but in any event, you want to look like yourself at your wedding. What's the point of going through your wedding album a year later and wonder who's in those pictures?
What argues in favor? If you know you're carrying around recent extra pounds, like weight gained in the past two years (or fewer), and you know it's due to stress eating, bad habits, or careless indulgences that can be avoided by ignoring specific people, places and things, then it might be not such a big deal to go for the weight loss.
What argues against? If you have a chronic weight problem, are carrying more than thirty pounds over your BMI limit, and you're in a hurry to lose it fast, forget it. The stress of wedding "work" and the stress of dieting can cancel each other out.
I remember a bride in my group a few years ago who was dropping weight at the rate of four to five pounds per week. She had several months to go before the wedding, but wanted to get thirty five to forty pounds shed in total and maintain it for eight weeks before the big day. She impressed other members with her amazing losses every week. WW, however, has a policy of advising members to take off weight at the average rate of one to two pounds maximum per week. This is a healthy weight loss regimen, but argues against the quickie programs out there. My young bride was gaming the system, starving herself while using the basics of Weight Watchers. Long before she finished her regime to lose, she disappeared from the meeting. I never found out if she met her personal weight loss goal.
Bottom line is this: the stress of weddings demands you take good care of yourself every step along the way. This means getting enough food in your body to keep your moods in check, a spring in your step and energy to burn. A five to ten pound loss over eight weeks can't hurt you. Any other program should be under the strict guidance of a doctor; but in any event, you want to look like yourself at your wedding. What's the point of going through your wedding album a year later and wonder who's in those pictures?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
It's all small stuff
In keeping with yesterday's post, I want to revisit the need to focus on the bigger picture, including all that can be learned from taking on a wedding full speed ahead.
It's good to remember first that weddings have a momentum, and that what looks simple and innocuous in February may become complicated and overwhelming in June (one month before your July wedding). Often there's no way to know ahead that this could happen and hence, no way to prepare for it.
We are familiar with the word "vision" from business circles, but the term and its ultimate value can be applied to our personal events and rituals as well. In my own business experience with process exercises, I have found it useful to create vision and include all possibility of potential upset as a way of anticipating the bumps in the road, and if they are out of our control, at least we know they're not buried within us as unspeakable.
When I interview couples, I ask for their vision and they often have a hard time answering. It comes clearer as we work through the ceremony development. So what does a full vision picture look like? It includes the possibility that not only rain might fall on an outdoor wedding, but a strong wind might stir up as well. This does not necessarily mean cancel that outdoor dream. It does mean that if you picture the joy and pleasure of being in either indoor or outdoor, knowing the outdoor setting is much preferred, you will avoid residual disappointment.
And once again I want to emphasize the value of talking through the challenges of "doing wedding" with your beloved intended, especially as you enter the last two weeks. Our secret suffering weighs heavily on us, and it shows up somewhere beneath the surcface, visible to many.
It's good to remember first that weddings have a momentum, and that what looks simple and innocuous in February may become complicated and overwhelming in June (one month before your July wedding). Often there's no way to know ahead that this could happen and hence, no way to prepare for it.
We are familiar with the word "vision" from business circles, but the term and its ultimate value can be applied to our personal events and rituals as well. In my own business experience with process exercises, I have found it useful to create vision and include all possibility of potential upset as a way of anticipating the bumps in the road, and if they are out of our control, at least we know they're not buried within us as unspeakable.
When I interview couples, I ask for their vision and they often have a hard time answering. It comes clearer as we work through the ceremony development. So what does a full vision picture look like? It includes the possibility that not only rain might fall on an outdoor wedding, but a strong wind might stir up as well. This does not necessarily mean cancel that outdoor dream. It does mean that if you picture the joy and pleasure of being in either indoor or outdoor, knowing the outdoor setting is much preferred, you will avoid residual disappointment.
And once again I want to emphasize the value of talking through the challenges of "doing wedding" with your beloved intended, especially as you enter the last two weeks. Our secret suffering weighs heavily on us, and it shows up somewhere beneath the surcface, visible to many.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Getting ready for the rest of your life
Probably the worst thing about preparing for a wedding is that once you get on a roll, you forget what's it's all about. This can be the best thing as well, especially if you're having second thoughts or undo concerns. Fortunately, I have met only one or two couples where I wondered how long this union might last. My own bridesmaids had placed bets we wouldn't be together for more than five years. That was 32 years ago and we're still going strong.
Wedding planning and scrutinizing details can be fun for awhile and overwhelming at times. It's just a part of the process and it always leaves you relieved when it's over. It's a "production", major or minor, an opening and closing night rolled into one.
How to keep your eyes on the prize? Don't forget to talk to your fiance, as much as you need to and as often as you get the chance. If you feel like you shouldn't be complaining, set it up so that it is meant to be a "clearing", not a "dumping". I met a bride last fall who broke off her engagement temporarily since her husband- to- be wasn't making any effort to hear her out and pick up at least a small load of sympathy for all the work she was doing. He was in the Navy and shipped out, but he still had access to various mail and phone lines and found himself not connecting as often as she needed him to do. The break up was all he needed to wake up and let her speak up about the overwhelming loneliness she had in doing the lion's share of wedding detail.
Why is this so important? Your stress factors in wedding planning and execution forecast the other stresses headed your way: balancing children (babies) and work, business travel when separation throws an undeserved share on one person's shoulders. Coming together on your wedding challenges models your ways of taking on the real world challenges in the life you have ahead of you. It's worth the extra time and effort. When two people "own" the event, it's a creative endeavor, a little jewel designed for deep satisfaction and joy.
Wedding planning and scrutinizing details can be fun for awhile and overwhelming at times. It's just a part of the process and it always leaves you relieved when it's over. It's a "production", major or minor, an opening and closing night rolled into one.
How to keep your eyes on the prize? Don't forget to talk to your fiance, as much as you need to and as often as you get the chance. If you feel like you shouldn't be complaining, set it up so that it is meant to be a "clearing", not a "dumping". I met a bride last fall who broke off her engagement temporarily since her husband- to- be wasn't making any effort to hear her out and pick up at least a small load of sympathy for all the work she was doing. He was in the Navy and shipped out, but he still had access to various mail and phone lines and found himself not connecting as often as she needed him to do. The break up was all he needed to wake up and let her speak up about the overwhelming loneliness she had in doing the lion's share of wedding detail.
Why is this so important? Your stress factors in wedding planning and execution forecast the other stresses headed your way: balancing children (babies) and work, business travel when separation throws an undeserved share on one person's shoulders. Coming together on your wedding challenges models your ways of taking on the real world challenges in the life you have ahead of you. It's worth the extra time and effort. When two people "own" the event, it's a creative endeavor, a little jewel designed for deep satisfaction and joy.
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