A couple once told me about a priest who lectured another couple during the ceremony on their likelihood of divorce. He gave them all the warnings and made sure they had a list of do's and don't's in order to have success.
Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?
I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).
But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?
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