Years ago, couples were married on Saturday mornings in a church or synagogue, and the day was spent traveling to a variety of scenic places for endless rolls of photos, and then the reception happened at 7 or 8 that evening. This meant that guests were expected to come to a morning event and an evening one.
There were always those who skipped the wedding ceremony, especially if it was a Catholic Mass (long and mostly impersonal). After all, Catholics still had to go to Sunday Mass either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning. But skipping the ceremony was considered a little rude.
Today if couples want a morning ceremony, they often have an early afternoon reception, and if it's a church wedding, the reception venue is very close by. Even nondenominational couples having weddings in lovely parks usually choose from an abundance of fine restaurants within a mile or two. But the important factor is this: as much as your guests love you, it's a good idea to keep the whole event closely bundled into a manageable block of hours, avoiding a second drive to anywhere new, especially in big cities (like Boston, where I live and work).
I know a young bride who last year had a wedding in one town, and a reception in another town forty miles away and starting three hours after her ceremony ended. I wasn't able to attend her event but the photos showed a wedding party looking fairly exhausted. I can only guess about her guests.
There is a flow to all this and just because you like one place for the ceremony and another place for the reception doesn't mean a big travel agenda works for anyone. No matter how exciting and joyful a wedding day can be, it also must have room to breathe and relax, and waiting in downtime works against that kind of comfort.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Dieting for your wedding
I have mixed feelings about this, as I spent four years as a leader for Weight Watchers and witnessed a bride or two working through the extra pounds to look glorious for her special once- in- a- lifetime day.
What argues in favor? If you know you're carrying around recent extra pounds, like weight gained in the past two years (or fewer), and you know it's due to stress eating, bad habits, or careless indulgences that can be avoided by ignoring specific people, places and things, then it might be not such a big deal to go for the weight loss.
What argues against? If you have a chronic weight problem, are carrying more than thirty pounds over your BMI limit, and you're in a hurry to lose it fast, forget it. The stress of wedding "work" and the stress of dieting can cancel each other out.
I remember a bride in my group a few years ago who was dropping weight at the rate of four to five pounds per week. She had several months to go before the wedding, but wanted to get thirty five to forty pounds shed in total and maintain it for eight weeks before the big day. She impressed other members with her amazing losses every week. WW, however, has a policy of advising members to take off weight at the average rate of one to two pounds maximum per week. This is a healthy weight loss regimen, but argues against the quickie programs out there. My young bride was gaming the system, starving herself while using the basics of Weight Watchers. Long before she finished her regime to lose, she disappeared from the meeting. I never found out if she met her personal weight loss goal.
Bottom line is this: the stress of weddings demands you take good care of yourself every step along the way. This means getting enough food in your body to keep your moods in check, a spring in your step and energy to burn. A five to ten pound loss over eight weeks can't hurt you. Any other program should be under the strict guidance of a doctor; but in any event, you want to look like yourself at your wedding. What's the point of going through your wedding album a year later and wonder who's in those pictures?
What argues in favor? If you know you're carrying around recent extra pounds, like weight gained in the past two years (or fewer), and you know it's due to stress eating, bad habits, or careless indulgences that can be avoided by ignoring specific people, places and things, then it might be not such a big deal to go for the weight loss.
What argues against? If you have a chronic weight problem, are carrying more than thirty pounds over your BMI limit, and you're in a hurry to lose it fast, forget it. The stress of wedding "work" and the stress of dieting can cancel each other out.
I remember a bride in my group a few years ago who was dropping weight at the rate of four to five pounds per week. She had several months to go before the wedding, but wanted to get thirty five to forty pounds shed in total and maintain it for eight weeks before the big day. She impressed other members with her amazing losses every week. WW, however, has a policy of advising members to take off weight at the average rate of one to two pounds maximum per week. This is a healthy weight loss regimen, but argues against the quickie programs out there. My young bride was gaming the system, starving herself while using the basics of Weight Watchers. Long before she finished her regime to lose, she disappeared from the meeting. I never found out if she met her personal weight loss goal.
Bottom line is this: the stress of weddings demands you take good care of yourself every step along the way. This means getting enough food in your body to keep your moods in check, a spring in your step and energy to burn. A five to ten pound loss over eight weeks can't hurt you. Any other program should be under the strict guidance of a doctor; but in any event, you want to look like yourself at your wedding. What's the point of going through your wedding album a year later and wonder who's in those pictures?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
It's all small stuff
In keeping with yesterday's post, I want to revisit the need to focus on the bigger picture, including all that can be learned from taking on a wedding full speed ahead.
It's good to remember first that weddings have a momentum, and that what looks simple and innocuous in February may become complicated and overwhelming in June (one month before your July wedding). Often there's no way to know ahead that this could happen and hence, no way to prepare for it.
We are familiar with the word "vision" from business circles, but the term and its ultimate value can be applied to our personal events and rituals as well. In my own business experience with process exercises, I have found it useful to create vision and include all possibility of potential upset as a way of anticipating the bumps in the road, and if they are out of our control, at least we know they're not buried within us as unspeakable.
When I interview couples, I ask for their vision and they often have a hard time answering. It comes clearer as we work through the ceremony development. So what does a full vision picture look like? It includes the possibility that not only rain might fall on an outdoor wedding, but a strong wind might stir up as well. This does not necessarily mean cancel that outdoor dream. It does mean that if you picture the joy and pleasure of being in either indoor or outdoor, knowing the outdoor setting is much preferred, you will avoid residual disappointment.
And once again I want to emphasize the value of talking through the challenges of "doing wedding" with your beloved intended, especially as you enter the last two weeks. Our secret suffering weighs heavily on us, and it shows up somewhere beneath the surcface, visible to many.
It's good to remember first that weddings have a momentum, and that what looks simple and innocuous in February may become complicated and overwhelming in June (one month before your July wedding). Often there's no way to know ahead that this could happen and hence, no way to prepare for it.
We are familiar with the word "vision" from business circles, but the term and its ultimate value can be applied to our personal events and rituals as well. In my own business experience with process exercises, I have found it useful to create vision and include all possibility of potential upset as a way of anticipating the bumps in the road, and if they are out of our control, at least we know they're not buried within us as unspeakable.
When I interview couples, I ask for their vision and they often have a hard time answering. It comes clearer as we work through the ceremony development. So what does a full vision picture look like? It includes the possibility that not only rain might fall on an outdoor wedding, but a strong wind might stir up as well. This does not necessarily mean cancel that outdoor dream. It does mean that if you picture the joy and pleasure of being in either indoor or outdoor, knowing the outdoor setting is much preferred, you will avoid residual disappointment.
And once again I want to emphasize the value of talking through the challenges of "doing wedding" with your beloved intended, especially as you enter the last two weeks. Our secret suffering weighs heavily on us, and it shows up somewhere beneath the surcface, visible to many.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Getting ready for the rest of your life
Probably the worst thing about preparing for a wedding is that once you get on a roll, you forget what's it's all about. This can be the best thing as well, especially if you're having second thoughts or undo concerns. Fortunately, I have met only one or two couples where I wondered how long this union might last. My own bridesmaids had placed bets we wouldn't be together for more than five years. That was 32 years ago and we're still going strong.
Wedding planning and scrutinizing details can be fun for awhile and overwhelming at times. It's just a part of the process and it always leaves you relieved when it's over. It's a "production", major or minor, an opening and closing night rolled into one.
How to keep your eyes on the prize? Don't forget to talk to your fiance, as much as you need to and as often as you get the chance. If you feel like you shouldn't be complaining, set it up so that it is meant to be a "clearing", not a "dumping". I met a bride last fall who broke off her engagement temporarily since her husband- to- be wasn't making any effort to hear her out and pick up at least a small load of sympathy for all the work she was doing. He was in the Navy and shipped out, but he still had access to various mail and phone lines and found himself not connecting as often as she needed him to do. The break up was all he needed to wake up and let her speak up about the overwhelming loneliness she had in doing the lion's share of wedding detail.
Why is this so important? Your stress factors in wedding planning and execution forecast the other stresses headed your way: balancing children (babies) and work, business travel when separation throws an undeserved share on one person's shoulders. Coming together on your wedding challenges models your ways of taking on the real world challenges in the life you have ahead of you. It's worth the extra time and effort. When two people "own" the event, it's a creative endeavor, a little jewel designed for deep satisfaction and joy.
Wedding planning and scrutinizing details can be fun for awhile and overwhelming at times. It's just a part of the process and it always leaves you relieved when it's over. It's a "production", major or minor, an opening and closing night rolled into one.
How to keep your eyes on the prize? Don't forget to talk to your fiance, as much as you need to and as often as you get the chance. If you feel like you shouldn't be complaining, set it up so that it is meant to be a "clearing", not a "dumping". I met a bride last fall who broke off her engagement temporarily since her husband- to- be wasn't making any effort to hear her out and pick up at least a small load of sympathy for all the work she was doing. He was in the Navy and shipped out, but he still had access to various mail and phone lines and found himself not connecting as often as she needed him to do. The break up was all he needed to wake up and let her speak up about the overwhelming loneliness she had in doing the lion's share of wedding detail.
Why is this so important? Your stress factors in wedding planning and execution forecast the other stresses headed your way: balancing children (babies) and work, business travel when separation throws an undeserved share on one person's shoulders. Coming together on your wedding challenges models your ways of taking on the real world challenges in the life you have ahead of you. It's worth the extra time and effort. When two people "own" the event, it's a creative endeavor, a little jewel designed for deep satisfaction and joy.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The subject of blogging
Blogging presents a dilemma for me. I have read the blogs of other officiants, some of whom I know and respect personally, and I see an orientation towards marketing oneself. Some do this in a balanced way, slipping in advice (tips) and other similar material, but either touting specific clients or selling themselves, and not necessarily dealing with some of the larger issues.
Perhaps it comes from a long career in process practices (setting in motion personal development activities ending in achievement of clarity or generating motivation---as a career counselor, or direct intervention in completing objectives---as a writing educator).
So I like to discuss at length the do's and don'ts of wedding ceremonies. Discuss is not what's happening here yet, as I have no comments to date, but that will come as I learn how to gain visibility through advertising or other means. In any event, that's my dilemma: opening up the subject of wedding ceremony, which may be too immediate and not worthy of a blog discussion or may be more compelling than I know. I'm seeking to make the connection and for now I assume it will come with persistence.
Perhaps it comes from a long career in process practices (setting in motion personal development activities ending in achievement of clarity or generating motivation---as a career counselor, or direct intervention in completing objectives---as a writing educator).
So I like to discuss at length the do's and don'ts of wedding ceremonies. Discuss is not what's happening here yet, as I have no comments to date, but that will come as I learn how to gain visibility through advertising or other means. In any event, that's my dilemma: opening up the subject of wedding ceremony, which may be too immediate and not worthy of a blog discussion or may be more compelling than I know. I'm seeking to make the connection and for now I assume it will come with persistence.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The TFM
When I was in training as a Celebrant, they told us to remind every bride, when finishing her plans for her special day, to include a TFM--Trusted Family Member. This is the person who is looking out for YOU and for all the tiny, sometimes petty details that will make a big difference to the flow of your day and to the flawless ceremony you want.
What does the TFM do? S(he) has everyone's cell phone number and calls potential latecomers to the rehearsal. She has the extra matches (tapered) for your Unity Candle and whips them out if the caterer or wedding venue falls short. She meets the delivery truck with your outdoor chairs in the town park one hour before the wedding and she tells them how to set them up (they don't necessarily think about which way the sun will set, or where on the gazebo you will stand and how far away from the steps to place the guests. She will place the single roses in the men's lapels and calm the ring bearer and flower girl long before they have a chance to fall apart.
Some of this job can be done by a wedding planner; some is best done by a close family member. Often this is the bride's mother, but not always. The overbearing mother could do more harm than good. Just remember, a good TFM is priceless. I have stepped in to this role several times and I don't mind, even though I'm limited because of my obvious other role, but if it's all decided ahead of time and there's one previously designated person, it's a big pain reliever. It's just three letters: TFM. Memorize that.
What does the TFM do? S(he) has everyone's cell phone number and calls potential latecomers to the rehearsal. She has the extra matches (tapered) for your Unity Candle and whips them out if the caterer or wedding venue falls short. She meets the delivery truck with your outdoor chairs in the town park one hour before the wedding and she tells them how to set them up (they don't necessarily think about which way the sun will set, or where on the gazebo you will stand and how far away from the steps to place the guests. She will place the single roses in the men's lapels and calm the ring bearer and flower girl long before they have a chance to fall apart.
Some of this job can be done by a wedding planner; some is best done by a close family member. Often this is the bride's mother, but not always. The overbearing mother could do more harm than good. Just remember, a good TFM is priceless. I have stepped in to this role several times and I don't mind, even though I'm limited because of my obvious other role, but if it's all decided ahead of time and there's one previously designated person, it's a big pain reliever. It's just three letters: TFM. Memorize that.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Lighting Your Ceremony
Nothing pleases a photographer or videographer more than good lighting for the ceremony as well as for the reception. This is tricky for brides and grooms since churches have their own set-up (usually pretty good) . Hotel and other venues have a different set of problems.
Bottom line is this: to have the mood lighting that makes a difference to your guests' enjoyment, as well as to your photos, include several large candles on three foot pedestals or better yet, bring in several torchieres. Your guests want to see the ceremony, your faces when they can, and even the officiant's face, as this will tell them what's going on with you as well.
The wedding ceremony is an ancient tradition, but that doesn't make it something to take for granted. It's these words, this expression of your commitment, this day and time and you're the ones to make it matter to yourselves and everyone else. Light it up or down, but make sure everything is visible.
I did a wedding a few months ago in an old museum, and the bride and groom wanted badly to be on the staircase landing with the sun setting through the back window right behind them. Trouble was that the sunset in November didn't illuminate us and it was the groom's father who suggested we come down to the bottom of the staircase to be seen. The chandelier in the great room lit us perfectly and we were seen and heard by all. But it takes a watchful eye and caring person to speak up and let the wedding party know they can't be seen. Remember to ask someone to do this for you at the rehearsal, especially if your rehearsal is at the same hour as the wedding (highly recommended).
Bottom line is this: to have the mood lighting that makes a difference to your guests' enjoyment, as well as to your photos, include several large candles on three foot pedestals or better yet, bring in several torchieres. Your guests want to see the ceremony, your faces when they can, and even the officiant's face, as this will tell them what's going on with you as well.
The wedding ceremony is an ancient tradition, but that doesn't make it something to take for granted. It's these words, this expression of your commitment, this day and time and you're the ones to make it matter to yourselves and everyone else. Light it up or down, but make sure everything is visible.
I did a wedding a few months ago in an old museum, and the bride and groom wanted badly to be on the staircase landing with the sun setting through the back window right behind them. Trouble was that the sunset in November didn't illuminate us and it was the groom's father who suggested we come down to the bottom of the staircase to be seen. The chandelier in the great room lit us perfectly and we were seen and heard by all. But it takes a watchful eye and caring person to speak up and let the wedding party know they can't be seen. Remember to ask someone to do this for you at the rehearsal, especially if your rehearsal is at the same hour as the wedding (highly recommended).
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