Last evening on the rare occasion of attending the reception of one of the weddings I perform, I had an interesting conversation with a guest of my own generation. He was apologetic for broaching the subject: "You did a wonderful job, but....."
How did I come to be in demand, he wondered, and why have so many young adults abandoned their religion? And finally, he wondered what would become of the next generation to follow? Would religion itself disappear in 25 years? Since I drink only Diet Coke, I was awake enough to take this in.
He actually wanted to discuss his own relationship with God, and ultimately his own death. Now in the third half of life, having left behind his own Catholic upbringing perhaps 40 years ago ("I was rebellious"), he questioned the shifts of the past several decades in how people practice and express their spiritual life without a particular institutionalized religion. He queried whether or not he should have a traditional Catholic Mass for his funeral---he hoped at least 25 years from now!
This conversation took place with a fabulous and loud dance band as background. I couldn't treat it lightly, but the atmosphere was not conducive to a respectfully serious discussion. I'll spare my readers what I said, but summarize it today, in the warm light of a sunny summer Sunday. This generation of twenty and thirty and forty somethings may be the most spiritually connected generations than we ever knew prior to 1965.
God is alive and well for those who know it in their hearts and live their faith in their deeds, but not necessarily in their belief in any dogma, or even in the notion of God as an entity. This is true for those who practice religion as well as those who have left that practice behind. The next generations after this one will have the minds and hearts of all human beings. And when we die, we will likely have already met our "Maker" days before the funeral. That event is for the survivors. Have a Mass or have a memorial tribute, so long as it lifts up the family and friends and honors the gift of having had a life itself.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Rained Out
Hello out there and it's been a long time gone!!
Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!
On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather.
We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover.
Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!
On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather.
We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover.
Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Do weddings honestly reflect marriages?
A couple once told me about a priest who lectured another couple during the ceremony on their likelihood of divorce. He gave them all the warnings and made sure they had a list of do's and don't's in order to have success.
Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?
I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).
But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?
Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?
I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).
But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Engaging
How should a wedding ceremony engage your wedding guests? Engaged is a really good word here. You become engaged which means you have created a bond, a promise of a wedding in the usually near-future. The word also means involved, but committed is the strongest indicator that two people are not just a dating couple but a seriously committed couple.
As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love.
This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through you.
Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.
As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love.
This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through you.
Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
weddings, recessions, budgets and smart spending
Are weddings recession proof? Of course not and why should they be?
But there is one advantage with a wedding: when savings have been set aside, there is money designated for the dream wedding. When money has not been set aside (we didn't do this 30+ years ago), a recession will sometimes dramatically affect how much you spend.
Many recent brides and grooms have told me lately that they can bargain with venues, caterers, photographers, florists and musicians. In my work I have met some of the best in the industry, particularly photographers and musicians, and I hate to see them suffer (they are artists, after all). But how do you decide where to let go of the purse strings and where to hold back?
Rule #1: Please yourself first. If your mother's three brothers and your fiance's father would be shocked at a wedding with under a hundred guests, DO IT anyway! Head count is vital to cost control.
Rule #2: Small things get noticed and they matter. A simple vase of white roses on a table with photos of the two of you as children will draw everyone's attention. We all grow up and sooner or later fall in love. Who would have thought that little boy with the floppy ears would turn out so handsome, especially in a tux?
Rule #3: The ceremony is the point and the reception is the after-party. If you can splurge anywhere, give yourself a violinist for your ceremony and let the DJ do the reception. If you're in a large city like Boston, call one of our many music schools and you'll find extraordinary talent and really good rates.
Rule #4: Do you have to have Vera Wang because your closest friends will know (Wang gowns are gorgeous) or can you take the time you need to look around at what makes you feel great, look great, and won't cost you six months of your rent?
Rule #5: Set the boundaries on the overruns. I have persuaded brides to get the violinist (or a string quartet) instead of the iPod, but it was up to the both groom and bride to say--yes, this is worth it and no, that is not.
Well, another homespun list from another unsolicited advisor, but I just couldn't help it. Recessions don't have to spoil the joy and pleasure of your great day!
But there is one advantage with a wedding: when savings have been set aside, there is money designated for the dream wedding. When money has not been set aside (we didn't do this 30+ years ago), a recession will sometimes dramatically affect how much you spend.
Many recent brides and grooms have told me lately that they can bargain with venues, caterers, photographers, florists and musicians. In my work I have met some of the best in the industry, particularly photographers and musicians, and I hate to see them suffer (they are artists, after all). But how do you decide where to let go of the purse strings and where to hold back?
Rule #1: Please yourself first. If your mother's three brothers and your fiance's father would be shocked at a wedding with under a hundred guests, DO IT anyway! Head count is vital to cost control.
Rule #2: Small things get noticed and they matter. A simple vase of white roses on a table with photos of the two of you as children will draw everyone's attention. We all grow up and sooner or later fall in love. Who would have thought that little boy with the floppy ears would turn out so handsome, especially in a tux?
Rule #3: The ceremony is the point and the reception is the after-party. If you can splurge anywhere, give yourself a violinist for your ceremony and let the DJ do the reception. If you're in a large city like Boston, call one of our many music schools and you'll find extraordinary talent and really good rates.
Rule #4: Do you have to have Vera Wang because your closest friends will know (Wang gowns are gorgeous) or can you take the time you need to look around at what makes you feel great, look great, and won't cost you six months of your rent?
Rule #5: Set the boundaries on the overruns. I have persuaded brides to get the violinist (or a string quartet) instead of the iPod, but it was up to the both groom and bride to say--yes, this is worth it and no, that is not.
Well, another homespun list from another unsolicited advisor, but I just couldn't help it. Recessions don't have to spoil the joy and pleasure of your great day!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Same Sex Marriage
I am convinced that this will be remembered in history as a civil rights issue that was finally won in a federal overturning of the DOMA law around 2020. Once Iowa joined the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and then Vermont joined in by a legislature vote, the momentum arrived for the voice of the people of all sexual orientations to speak up.
As a former educator in a university, I had the task of reading hundreds of student essays on civil rights and marginalization. It was an eye opener. One year I had my students choose their focus on any civil rights issue. We had been reading James Baldwin and MLK, but their essays could address any related subject relevant to them. Perhaps 20% of them wrote about gay equality. And these were probably straight young adults. (I don't ask nor do I care what orientation people have). There was one openly gay student and he wrote about something else.
It was then I knew that the millennial generation has no issue around this civil right.
I conduct same sex marriage ceremonies (about 10-15% of all my weddings) and they are an honor to perform, and it all started with moving to Massachusetts in 2005. I look forward to more states coming on board (go new York!). The sky hasn't fallen in the Commonwealth here, and it won't fall anywhere else.
As a former educator in a university, I had the task of reading hundreds of student essays on civil rights and marginalization. It was an eye opener. One year I had my students choose their focus on any civil rights issue. We had been reading James Baldwin and MLK, but their essays could address any related subject relevant to them. Perhaps 20% of them wrote about gay equality. And these were probably straight young adults. (I don't ask nor do I care what orientation people have). There was one openly gay student and he wrote about something else.
It was then I knew that the millennial generation has no issue around this civil right.
I conduct same sex marriage ceremonies (about 10-15% of all my weddings) and they are an honor to perform, and it all started with moving to Massachusetts in 2005. I look forward to more states coming on board (go new York!). The sky hasn't fallen in the Commonwealth here, and it won't fall anywhere else.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The Authentic Ceremony
Why is authenticity so important in a wedding? Romance is what we all enjoy, reading about it, watching it in film and on TV and celebrating it in a wedding. But romance comes long before commitment and it's choosing another, committing to another that makes the wedding authentic (and does the same for the marriage itself). Romance is the trigger and commitment makes us adults. And the words we use make all the difference.
I officiated a wedding this afternoon for a couple who wrote lengthy tributes about each other (which I edited for reading at the ceremony) and neither of them saw nor read what the other had said. They heard each other's tribute simultaneously with their guests. Everyone was moved by their words, by the truthful, humorous and clearly wise observations they each had of the other.
They found vows as well that were specific to their own commitment, beautiful, frank and not your everyday wedding vows.
I believe that a wedding ceremony can re-ignite the rich experience of what love is to everyone you invite. The more inclusive we are in our love and in our sharing its full and practical picture, the more we open ourselves to our friends and family. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes the same village to embrace and support a marriage. The words we say on our wedding day are our promises to keep. Words matter.
I officiated a wedding this afternoon for a couple who wrote lengthy tributes about each other (which I edited for reading at the ceremony) and neither of them saw nor read what the other had said. They heard each other's tribute simultaneously with their guests. Everyone was moved by their words, by the truthful, humorous and clearly wise observations they each had of the other.
They found vows as well that were specific to their own commitment, beautiful, frank and not your everyday wedding vows.
I believe that a wedding ceremony can re-ignite the rich experience of what love is to everyone you invite. The more inclusive we are in our love and in our sharing its full and practical picture, the more we open ourselves to our friends and family. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes the same village to embrace and support a marriage. The words we say on our wedding day are our promises to keep. Words matter.
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