Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Nervous grooms
Last evening I had the pleasure and privilege of sitting down with a nervous groom for almost 30 minutes before we began the ceremony. This is a man in his mid-thirties, well-educated, confident, easy-going, great sense of humor. But when his buddies started to arrive, even they were asking: "Are you OK?"
He told them he was, but in a quiet little corner, he confessed to me that he was nervous. But this was not the simple nervous of "I have to say those words and smile in front of all those people". This was deep within his bones: his life was changing in a matter of minutes; this was real, as in stepping up to the plate and taking on the weight of combining his life with another human being as imperfect as he is. Making promises he would keep, and someday discovering their nuance, ambiguity, and power to take him through suffering he can't imagine at this moment. This was not a dress rehearsal for a soap opera drama.
Many grooms appear placid and under control, but more often than not, they are barely masking not only their nerves, but also their vulnerability. I have witnessed more grooms than brides with tears in their throat (and streaming down their faces). This is one of the few times in his life that a man has permission to be moved to tears. It's this rush of energy, feeling like nerves, invigorated by passion and anxiety, that courses through his veins and brings him to that humble place: I can choose another without knowing the final outcome, but allow for any possibility along the road of my life with my beloved. I can and will choose freely and in good faith.
That's enough energy to make me nervous for any groom.
He told them he was, but in a quiet little corner, he confessed to me that he was nervous. But this was not the simple nervous of "I have to say those words and smile in front of all those people". This was deep within his bones: his life was changing in a matter of minutes; this was real, as in stepping up to the plate and taking on the weight of combining his life with another human being as imperfect as he is. Making promises he would keep, and someday discovering their nuance, ambiguity, and power to take him through suffering he can't imagine at this moment. This was not a dress rehearsal for a soap opera drama.
Many grooms appear placid and under control, but more often than not, they are barely masking not only their nerves, but also their vulnerability. I have witnessed more grooms than brides with tears in their throat (and streaming down their faces). This is one of the few times in his life that a man has permission to be moved to tears. It's this rush of energy, feeling like nerves, invigorated by passion and anxiety, that courses through his veins and brings him to that humble place: I can choose another without knowing the final outcome, but allow for any possibility along the road of my life with my beloved. I can and will choose freely and in good faith.
That's enough energy to make me nervous for any groom.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Fun Ceremonies and the Boundaries of Good Taste
Many of you by now have seen that viral wedding video on YouTube where the wedding party and the bride and groom came down the aisle doing hip hop dancing. I read the comments and found post after post congratulating the couple on such a choice.
I have my own taste in wedding ceremonies and dancing hip hop down the aisle is not high on my list of good options. Receptions are for letting it all hang out.
But more importantly, what was there in this video which pulled so much positive response? What does this say about the very traditional church ceremonies? Yes, this bride and groom were iconoclasts, but what ritual did they want to shatter? Shock and awe may be one explanation, or it may have been even simpler: wedding ceremonies don't have to be somber and boring. After all, wedding ceremonies are about celebrating love and joy, solemnizing commitment, but not about assuming a dreaded ball and chain.
From my vantage point having conducted many ceremonies with people of all faiths, including agnostics and atheists inter-marrying practicing Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and more, it seems everyone wants something intimate, human, touching, but not saccharine, or preachy. When it's human, sensitive and intimate, the fun can come from the couple themselves, what poetry they choose, what vows are personal and meaningful to them. Genuine laughter in a wedding ceremony is a recognizable quality of reality and brings all of us in to the human story. We do not have to shock and awe to shake up tradition. It was an experiment that may have said more about who responded than about this particular couple.
There's a hunger out there for a personal spirituality, for having the God of our understanding as a loving and gracious entity.
I have my own taste in wedding ceremonies and dancing hip hop down the aisle is not high on my list of good options. Receptions are for letting it all hang out.
But more importantly, what was there in this video which pulled so much positive response? What does this say about the very traditional church ceremonies? Yes, this bride and groom were iconoclasts, but what ritual did they want to shatter? Shock and awe may be one explanation, or it may have been even simpler: wedding ceremonies don't have to be somber and boring. After all, wedding ceremonies are about celebrating love and joy, solemnizing commitment, but not about assuming a dreaded ball and chain.
From my vantage point having conducted many ceremonies with people of all faiths, including agnostics and atheists inter-marrying practicing Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and more, it seems everyone wants something intimate, human, touching, but not saccharine, or preachy. When it's human, sensitive and intimate, the fun can come from the couple themselves, what poetry they choose, what vows are personal and meaningful to them. Genuine laughter in a wedding ceremony is a recognizable quality of reality and brings all of us in to the human story. We do not have to shock and awe to shake up tradition. It was an experiment that may have said more about who responded than about this particular couple.
There's a hunger out there for a personal spirituality, for having the God of our understanding as a loving and gracious entity.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
God is not dead
Last evening on the rare occasion of attending the reception of one of the weddings I perform, I had an interesting conversation with a guest of my own generation. He was apologetic for broaching the subject: "You did a wonderful job, but....."
How did I come to be in demand, he wondered, and why have so many young adults abandoned their religion? And finally, he wondered what would become of the next generation to follow? Would religion itself disappear in 25 years? Since I drink only Diet Coke, I was awake enough to take this in.
He actually wanted to discuss his own relationship with God, and ultimately his own death. Now in the third half of life, having left behind his own Catholic upbringing perhaps 40 years ago ("I was rebellious"), he questioned the shifts of the past several decades in how people practice and express their spiritual life without a particular institutionalized religion. He queried whether or not he should have a traditional Catholic Mass for his funeral---he hoped at least 25 years from now!
This conversation took place with a fabulous and loud dance band as background. I couldn't treat it lightly, but the atmosphere was not conducive to a respectfully serious discussion. I'll spare my readers what I said, but summarize it today, in the warm light of a sunny summer Sunday. This generation of twenty and thirty and forty somethings may be the most spiritually connected generations than we ever knew prior to 1965.
God is alive and well for those who know it in their hearts and live their faith in their deeds, but not necessarily in their belief in any dogma, or even in the notion of God as an entity. This is true for those who practice religion as well as those who have left that practice behind. The next generations after this one will have the minds and hearts of all human beings. And when we die, we will likely have already met our "Maker" days before the funeral. That event is for the survivors. Have a Mass or have a memorial tribute, so long as it lifts up the family and friends and honors the gift of having had a life itself.
How did I come to be in demand, he wondered, and why have so many young adults abandoned their religion? And finally, he wondered what would become of the next generation to follow? Would religion itself disappear in 25 years? Since I drink only Diet Coke, I was awake enough to take this in.
He actually wanted to discuss his own relationship with God, and ultimately his own death. Now in the third half of life, having left behind his own Catholic upbringing perhaps 40 years ago ("I was rebellious"), he questioned the shifts of the past several decades in how people practice and express their spiritual life without a particular institutionalized religion. He queried whether or not he should have a traditional Catholic Mass for his funeral---he hoped at least 25 years from now!
This conversation took place with a fabulous and loud dance band as background. I couldn't treat it lightly, but the atmosphere was not conducive to a respectfully serious discussion. I'll spare my readers what I said, but summarize it today, in the warm light of a sunny summer Sunday. This generation of twenty and thirty and forty somethings may be the most spiritually connected generations than we ever knew prior to 1965.
God is alive and well for those who know it in their hearts and live their faith in their deeds, but not necessarily in their belief in any dogma, or even in the notion of God as an entity. This is true for those who practice religion as well as those who have left that practice behind. The next generations after this one will have the minds and hearts of all human beings. And when we die, we will likely have already met our "Maker" days before the funeral. That event is for the survivors. Have a Mass or have a memorial tribute, so long as it lifts up the family and friends and honors the gift of having had a life itself.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Rained Out
Hello out there and it's been a long time gone!!
Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!
On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather.
We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover.
Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!
On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather.
We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover.
Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Do weddings honestly reflect marriages?
A couple once told me about a priest who lectured another couple during the ceremony on their likelihood of divorce. He gave them all the warnings and made sure they had a list of do's and don't's in order to have success.
Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?
I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).
But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?
Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?
I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).
But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Engaging
How should a wedding ceremony engage your wedding guests? Engaged is a really good word here. You become engaged which means you have created a bond, a promise of a wedding in the usually near-future. The word also means involved, but committed is the strongest indicator that two people are not just a dating couple but a seriously committed couple.
As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love.
This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through you.
Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.
As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love.
This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through you.
Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.
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