Trains

No, not the ones we run to and depend on for work.

Trains are beautiful additions to the weddng processional and recessional and sometimes set up the bride in the post wedding pictures to look like a queen. But they're tricky in a wedding ceremony. Some Maids of Honor seem to forget that their job will be to adjust the train when and if the bride has almost any movement to perform in her wedding ceremony, and almost every bride does have at least one small movement to make, small but active enough to affect how her dress and train move with her.

My suggestion: at the rehearsal, ask the MOH to act out this activity, including how she handles her own bouquet while performng this task. I've never seen a train disaster, but there are awkward moments that can be avoided, just by this tiny addition to the rehearsal.

Ushers

Small weddings sometimes suggest a relaxed atmosphere. If there are fifty guests invited to sit in the outdoors, and guests come dressed in garden party comfort, they can find a seat suitable for themselves, right? At least most people know better than to take the first row, the one reserved (with or without a sign) for the couple's immediate family.

There's one problem, and one I know from years of teaching and presenting seminars: given a chance to choose their own seating, most people will fill up the back rows and scrupulously avoid the front.

I recently officiated a wedding with sixty guests invited to an exquisite outdoor setting. When the processional was about to begin and I was standing in my official spot, I saw the first five rows were virtually empty. As the bridal party was slightly delayed, I took the opportunity to announce to latecomers and to others crowded together in the last two rows that there were plenty of seats up front. By sheer luck, I was able to fill in the areas that ushers, had there been any, should have filled in.

The simple solution here is to designate any trusted young man or woman to merely guide people to the front rows. Ushers as such are not formalities to be avoided in a more casual wedding; they are necessary to set the stage for coziness and community in the ceremony itself.

Other old customs

Perhaps I've lived too long in the Northeast (East Coast), but I haven't seen a bouquet thrown to eligible "maidens", nor have I seen a garter slithered off the thigh of a new bride, only to be thrown to the eligible bachelors in a very long time ( more that ten years).

Wedding receptions have come a long way. We still have the formal entrnce of the couple and even their wedding party and parents, and many do this aspect with flourish and imagination. Last summer I watched a couple I had just married enter their reception in Red Sox regalia. Another baseball couple this year hired the official game announcer at Fenway Park to trumpet their entance.

But the first dance used to be just a dance. Today couples take salsa, samba, or minuet lessons, or stop just shy of outright gymnastics to kick off a reception with more fun than sobriety. And customs have crossovers as well. I am officiating a ceremony later this year where a Christian bride is planning to stand beneath the traditional Jewish chuppah.

I guess this is a sign of one world, and I think it's great.

The old days

I remember a custom from the last century (not sure which decade it might have died out) when couples who were newly married got into a car decorated with white ribbons and with tin cans tied to the tailpipe and honked horns driving all over town, announcing they were "Just Married".

I swear I haven't seen this for at least twenty years. Yes, couples still might hire a limo, but what happened to the noisy hoopla? And where did this custom originate? Please send me what you know. I'll post your description. Also tell me if this custom is still practiced wherever you live.

Significant Other Attending Persons

Before the daunting task of figuring out seating arangements for the reception, there comes an earlier and sometimes diffficult decision: who will be the "Maid" of Honor and who will be the "Best" Man? Take away the words honor and best and this might be a little easier.

For many it's fine to select a beloved sister or brother and that eliminates competition among friends. But you're actually not stuck with even a single selection. I recently officiated a ceremony where the groom's brother and sister shared his Best Person status. In other weddings I've conducted, there was no name designation among the attendants, but the person standing closest to the bride and groom handed over the rings at the designated time.

There are weddings with no attendants at all---someone (usually pretty special) sitting up front among the guests rises to offer the rings and that's the end of it.

Bottom line: you have choices. Best and honor don't have to weigh you down.

Wedding vows

The traditional wedding vows are serious business. Probably the hardest one to uphold is: for richer, for poorer. Few of us are so hard-hearted to abandon a sick spouse or run from the sorrows of a shared suffering. But poorer has it all: it's worse, it's often sorrowful, and its miseries can make us sick.

We tend not to dwell on the vows, but in fact they are solemn promises to keep. The vows are the center of the ceremony and even if we have a civil ceremony, the vows themselves are what makes it all legal. We don't need the rings, and here in Massachusetts, we don't even need witnesses.

So, if you're writing your own vows, look first at tradition---those words can be excellent guidelines to how you construct your own promises.

Admit impediments

Shakepeare starts his beautiful sonnet: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments..."

I recently officiated a wedding where the bride's father joked to me during the rehearsal: "Don't you all ask anymore about impediments to this union, or is there anyone who objects?" I hadn't thought about that in a long time.

Although there are literary works that show this custom and a few clever commercials that do the same, it's rarely done today. We just assume that if the two of them get down the aisle without disruption, we just don't have to ask about impediments. After all, the impediment screening happens when the license is issued. If one party (or both) is not capable of proving divorce, the license is withheld.

Admitting impediments is not the same as having legitmate differences. Some of these differences we won't know till years into the marraige. It's not that people consciously keep secrets from one another, it's just that we fail to understnad ourselves (or each other) until we have critical opportunities to learn. Marriage is a risk; that's what makes it an interesting adventure.

I Love Love

Nothing moves the world better, at least with more joy and elegance, than a good love story. Why? What happens when two people fall in love, other than what we all know too well as the cliche stuff?

When the whirlwind of romance dies down, when the bloom fades from the rose, the fragrance remains, the form is still a rose and the substance is roseness. A rose will never be a dandelion. So also is true love.

Love at its center includes acceptance of "what is". When we love another, we move our boundaries to include another's full expression of life, and we move our personal views outside of our protective shell. Sometimes this inclusion can be a mistake. We find areas with our beloved that we may fear to tread.Or we come to see that these are places from which to grow together.

Years ago I found that my husband spoke of wild and crazy adventure. Some of it was already in his past and some of it was in his dreams. Now, thirty years later, some of those dreams we fulfilled together and some were disasters. After many years my boundaries (fears and objections) are much more secure. I have learned to listen in a different way.

Marriage then can become an opportunity to listen to the world. It is an exercise in hearing the universe by opening to one person. It is strengthening some boundaries and loosening others. That's what I love about love: play in life with a full deck and a full keyboard.

A Disney Wedding

Yes, they do your wedding at Disneyworld.

I know a woman who went ahead and did this rather than have the 500 guests, too many of whom would be strangers, her in laws wanted. She loved it and said they took care of everything and gave her complete leisure to focus on her job and leave the wedding minutia to them.

I didn't get the details of her specific ceremony, but I'm going to research. I'll get back to you. I will say that Maryellen (not her real name) is no bimbo. She's cultured, educated and refined. If she gave it a thumbs up, I want to get the skinny on it. Some of you may want to know about this.

Ring Ceremony

I've sometimes seen couples confuse the corrrect hand on which to place the ring. It's always the third finger, left hand, so if you raise your right hand, it's the hand right in front of you---no crossover.

This is easy to practice and doesn't need a formal rehearsal.

The next thing to practice (or remember if you feel practicing with the real rings is bad luck) is to take the pushing of the ring slowly. In fact, don't push at all. Both bride and groom sometimes have sweaty palms and sweaty fingers, and this actually might include a little finger swelling. Move the ring onto the beloved's finger slowly and carefully: the more you push, the harder it is to get it on.

Just a little practical stuff for Labor Day.

Table Seating

One of the hardest things a couple has to do is decide who sits with whom at the reception. This can be a daunting task, and sometimes irreconcilable. Last night's wedding included 300 guests and the bride and groom seemed to succeed spectacularly at the table arrrangements. The only way I know is that my table had a grand time. My husband and I knew no one but the others at our table all worked together and they enjoyed each other (even though they worked together) and we enjoyed them (even though we knew no one).

That said, I know couples who have open seating. Believe it or not, this is not so risky. People who know each other will find each other and strangers are still strangers and have to fend for themselves. There is that added benefit of putting a few strangers together that you think might get along, but that's like fixing people up. It's hard to find a match that's more than superficial.

So if you're perplexed about seating, consider the second option. It's all a roll of the dice, anyway.

September weddings

I love September weddings. They're still summer, but we think fall. Outdoor events could produce heat or cool, and the difference from August may be only a few degrees in either direction. Nonetheless, September is a popular month for outdoor weddings, second only to October here in New England where leaf peeping is an annual pastime.

Frankly I like September for many reasons not connected to weddings, and there may be others like me who choose September ceremonies for subconscious motives. In the Jewish calendar, it is the New Year, a definite cause for joy and for self-renewal. In the USA it is the beginning of the new school year, a cause for excitement and a renewed sense of purpose at least for some students. Those of us who remember school positively will always feel a little lift after Labor Day.

September also marks the end of summer and I get weary of the dog days after 31 of them. Beginnings of any season carry a sense of hope---what will this new season bring; what are the possibilities of a better life in the coming months? This is like a mini-New Year every three months.

So, enjoy the first day of September. I'm motoring down to Rhode Island to preside over a wonderful couple's ceremony. It's a gorgeous 1st of the month here in New England. That's promising.