Sunday, November 29, 2009
Massachusetts Wedding Officiant - Elly Jackson: Small and Beautiful
http://www.facebook.com/ellen.jackson3
Small and Beautiful
I have at least three weddings a year that come in (very) last minute and I generally love them. Last year I married a couple on December 16th in the Boston Common, having met them for ten minutes in the lobby of the Four Seasons.
This year there was a ceremony on Valentine's Day with a Russian couple in my home. The bride came in with a resplendent wedding gown, and the groom brought a photographer friend, his parents and grandmother, and a skeptical son from a previous marriage. Usually these tiny weddings are over and out within a half hour. But this was different.
The Russians are a friendly people. After the ceremony, the bride went back up to my bedroom to change for the subsequent lunch downtown. The groom's grandmother spoke only Russian, but found a way to thank me through her daughter's translation. The groom's father told of having lived in St. Petersburg and emigrating to the US in the 1980s.
Laughter filled the kitchen and dining room for over an hour.
Last night I married a couple who showed up ten days ago looking for a ceremony with only parents and sibling invited. We briefly discussed how to set up their dining room in case there were wedding crashers. (I have rarely done a wedding that was meant for only two and didn't add at least a dozen). Two days after we met, the groom said "plan for twenty". Their friends came in from everywhere. The house, which I had expected to be nice enough, but more likely last minute chic, was as impeccably organized as any professional wedding venue I have seen, the bride wore the wedding dress she had purchased for the repeat big ceremony they were planning for next summer, and the candles, flowers and light food and drink were so beautifully coordinated that this could have been at any high end chalet.
I am not voting on wedding size. This couple has at least another hundred friends they would like to have included. But it amazes me the ingenuity of two people who are determined to marry and to have the moment count, no matter the number of guests.
This year there was a ceremony on Valentine's Day with a Russian couple in my home. The bride came in with a resplendent wedding gown, and the groom brought a photographer friend, his parents and grandmother, and a skeptical son from a previous marriage. Usually these tiny weddings are over and out within a half hour. But this was different.
The Russians are a friendly people. After the ceremony, the bride went back up to my bedroom to change for the subsequent lunch downtown. The groom's grandmother spoke only Russian, but found a way to thank me through her daughter's translation. The groom's father told of having lived in St. Petersburg and emigrating to the US in the 1980s.
Laughter filled the kitchen and dining room for over an hour.
Last night I married a couple who showed up ten days ago looking for a ceremony with only parents and sibling invited. We briefly discussed how to set up their dining room in case there were wedding crashers. (I have rarely done a wedding that was meant for only two and didn't add at least a dozen). Two days after we met, the groom said "plan for twenty". Their friends came in from everywhere. The house, which I had expected to be nice enough, but more likely last minute chic, was as impeccably organized as any professional wedding venue I have seen, the bride wore the wedding dress she had purchased for the repeat big ceremony they were planning for next summer, and the candles, flowers and light food and drink were so beautifully coordinated that this could have been at any high end chalet.
I am not voting on wedding size. This couple has at least another hundred friends they would like to have included. But it amazes me the ingenuity of two people who are determined to marry and to have the moment count, no matter the number of guests.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Nervous grooms
Last evening I had the pleasure and privilege of sitting down with a nervous groom for almost 30 minutes before we began the ceremony. This is a man in his mid-thirties, well-educated, confident, easy-going, great sense of humor. But when his buddies started to arrive, even they were asking: "Are you OK?"
He told them he was, but in a quiet little corner, he confessed to me that he was nervous. But this was not the simple nervous of "I have to say those words and smile in front of all those people". This was deep within his bones: his life was changing in a matter of minutes; this was real, as in stepping up to the plate and taking on the weight of combining his life with another human being as imperfect as he is. Making promises he would keep, and someday discovering their nuance, ambiguity, and power to take him through suffering he can't imagine at this moment. This was not a dress rehearsal for a soap opera drama.
Many grooms appear placid and under control, but more often than not, they are barely masking not only their nerves, but also their vulnerability. I have witnessed more grooms than brides with tears in their throat (and streaming down their faces). This is one of the few times in his life that a man has permission to be moved to tears. It's this rush of energy, feeling like nerves, invigorated by passion and anxiety, that courses through his veins and brings him to that humble place: I can choose another without knowing the final outcome, but allow for any possibility along the road of my life with my beloved. I can and will choose freely and in good faith.
That's enough energy to make me nervous for any groom.
He told them he was, but in a quiet little corner, he confessed to me that he was nervous. But this was not the simple nervous of "I have to say those words and smile in front of all those people". This was deep within his bones: his life was changing in a matter of minutes; this was real, as in stepping up to the plate and taking on the weight of combining his life with another human being as imperfect as he is. Making promises he would keep, and someday discovering their nuance, ambiguity, and power to take him through suffering he can't imagine at this moment. This was not a dress rehearsal for a soap opera drama.
Many grooms appear placid and under control, but more often than not, they are barely masking not only their nerves, but also their vulnerability. I have witnessed more grooms than brides with tears in their throat (and streaming down their faces). This is one of the few times in his life that a man has permission to be moved to tears. It's this rush of energy, feeling like nerves, invigorated by passion and anxiety, that courses through his veins and brings him to that humble place: I can choose another without knowing the final outcome, but allow for any possibility along the road of my life with my beloved. I can and will choose freely and in good faith.
That's enough energy to make me nervous for any groom.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Fun Ceremonies and the Boundaries of Good Taste
Many of you by now have seen that viral wedding video on YouTube where the wedding party and the bride and groom came down the aisle doing hip hop dancing. I read the comments and found post after post congratulating the couple on such a choice.
I have my own taste in wedding ceremonies and dancing hip hop down the aisle is not high on my list of good options. Receptions are for letting it all hang out.
But more importantly, what was there in this video which pulled so much positive response? What does this say about the very traditional church ceremonies? Yes, this bride and groom were iconoclasts, but what ritual did they want to shatter? Shock and awe may be one explanation, or it may have been even simpler: wedding ceremonies don't have to be somber and boring. After all, wedding ceremonies are about celebrating love and joy, solemnizing commitment, but not about assuming a dreaded ball and chain.
From my vantage point having conducted many ceremonies with people of all faiths, including agnostics and atheists inter-marrying practicing Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and more, it seems everyone wants something intimate, human, touching, but not saccharine, or preachy. When it's human, sensitive and intimate, the fun can come from the couple themselves, what poetry they choose, what vows are personal and meaningful to them. Genuine laughter in a wedding ceremony is a recognizable quality of reality and brings all of us in to the human story. We do not have to shock and awe to shake up tradition. It was an experiment that may have said more about who responded than about this particular couple.
There's a hunger out there for a personal spirituality, for having the God of our understanding as a loving and gracious entity.
I have my own taste in wedding ceremonies and dancing hip hop down the aisle is not high on my list of good options. Receptions are for letting it all hang out.
But more importantly, what was there in this video which pulled so much positive response? What does this say about the very traditional church ceremonies? Yes, this bride and groom were iconoclasts, but what ritual did they want to shatter? Shock and awe may be one explanation, or it may have been even simpler: wedding ceremonies don't have to be somber and boring. After all, wedding ceremonies are about celebrating love and joy, solemnizing commitment, but not about assuming a dreaded ball and chain.
From my vantage point having conducted many ceremonies with people of all faiths, including agnostics and atheists inter-marrying practicing Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and more, it seems everyone wants something intimate, human, touching, but not saccharine, or preachy. When it's human, sensitive and intimate, the fun can come from the couple themselves, what poetry they choose, what vows are personal and meaningful to them. Genuine laughter in a wedding ceremony is a recognizable quality of reality and brings all of us in to the human story. We do not have to shock and awe to shake up tradition. It was an experiment that may have said more about who responded than about this particular couple.
There's a hunger out there for a personal spirituality, for having the God of our understanding as a loving and gracious entity.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
God is not dead
Last evening on the rare occasion of attending the reception of one of the weddings I perform, I had an interesting conversation with a guest of my own generation. He was apologetic for broaching the subject: "You did a wonderful job, but....."
How did I come to be in demand, he wondered, and why have so many young adults abandoned their religion? And finally, he wondered what would become of the next generation to follow? Would religion itself disappear in 25 years? Since I drink only Diet Coke, I was awake enough to take this in.
He actually wanted to discuss his own relationship with God, and ultimately his own death. Now in the third half of life, having left behind his own Catholic upbringing perhaps 40 years ago ("I was rebellious"), he questioned the shifts of the past several decades in how people practice and express their spiritual life without a particular institutionalized religion. He queried whether or not he should have a traditional Catholic Mass for his funeral---he hoped at least 25 years from now!
This conversation took place with a fabulous and loud dance band as background. I couldn't treat it lightly, but the atmosphere was not conducive to a respectfully serious discussion. I'll spare my readers what I said, but summarize it today, in the warm light of a sunny summer Sunday. This generation of twenty and thirty and forty somethings may be the most spiritually connected generations than we ever knew prior to 1965.
God is alive and well for those who know it in their hearts and live their faith in their deeds, but not necessarily in their belief in any dogma, or even in the notion of God as an entity. This is true for those who practice religion as well as those who have left that practice behind. The next generations after this one will have the minds and hearts of all human beings. And when we die, we will likely have already met our "Maker" days before the funeral. That event is for the survivors. Have a Mass or have a memorial tribute, so long as it lifts up the family and friends and honors the gift of having had a life itself.
How did I come to be in demand, he wondered, and why have so many young adults abandoned their religion? And finally, he wondered what would become of the next generation to follow? Would religion itself disappear in 25 years? Since I drink only Diet Coke, I was awake enough to take this in.
He actually wanted to discuss his own relationship with God, and ultimately his own death. Now in the third half of life, having left behind his own Catholic upbringing perhaps 40 years ago ("I was rebellious"), he questioned the shifts of the past several decades in how people practice and express their spiritual life without a particular institutionalized religion. He queried whether or not he should have a traditional Catholic Mass for his funeral---he hoped at least 25 years from now!
This conversation took place with a fabulous and loud dance band as background. I couldn't treat it lightly, but the atmosphere was not conducive to a respectfully serious discussion. I'll spare my readers what I said, but summarize it today, in the warm light of a sunny summer Sunday. This generation of twenty and thirty and forty somethings may be the most spiritually connected generations than we ever knew prior to 1965.
God is alive and well for those who know it in their hearts and live their faith in their deeds, but not necessarily in their belief in any dogma, or even in the notion of God as an entity. This is true for those who practice religion as well as those who have left that practice behind. The next generations after this one will have the minds and hearts of all human beings. And when we die, we will likely have already met our "Maker" days before the funeral. That event is for the survivors. Have a Mass or have a memorial tribute, so long as it lifts up the family and friends and honors the gift of having had a life itself.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Rained Out
Hello out there and it's been a long time gone!!
Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!
On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather.
We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover.
Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Update: Since my last post, I have done nine weddings (in almost seven weeks). Each has been a special privilege, and each has been a lesson in how to be flexible and not to ever sweat the small stuff. Like rain!!
On June 27, I had my first rain out!! This one was obviously outdoors and very difficult to call. It was a gorgeous garden setting and the day had been exquisitely fresh, but with rolling clouds coming around from mid-day until about an hour before we started. Remember, June in the Boston area (and all over the Northeast) was cool and rainy, but this looked like we would escape the weather.
We started 15 minutes late, and that's not uncommon, nor is it a big deal. People were streaming in and taking the long walk from the parking area to the garden: with thirty chairs empty out of a hundred at the start time, we would wait. All day the clouds looked ominous for a few minutes, then just rolled by and glorious sun lit up the entire estate. So we (The bride, groom, and the wedding party) began the long walk to the ceremony. My weddings are no more than twenty minutes, so it seems like the gods could hold back, but alas, no. We got through the vows, but black puffy clouds, thunder,lightning and rain drops seemed to creep up within seconds. No ring exchange! The bride said--call it! I turned to the couple and pronounced them husband and wife and we all ran for cover.
Two things to know: you are married in fact with only the vows, AND we did the ring exchange and the end of the ceremony on the dance floor in the barn where the reception was held and it was really fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Do weddings honestly reflect marriages?
A couple once told me about a priest who lectured another couple during the ceremony on their likelihood of divorce. He gave them all the warnings and made sure they had a list of do's and don't's in order to have success.
Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?
I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).
But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?
Most of us know the statistics by now: still something like close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it appropriate to mention this during the ceremony? And other than counseling couples who may end up divorced, what does an unmarried priest know of what makes a marriage survive the trials and tribulations of a lifelong journey with one other person?
I write couples' love stories as part of the introduction to ceremonies I officiate. They answer a long list of questions pertaining to their first meeting, falling in love, proposal, etc. They also describe what makes their beloved other special and answer lots of questions about themselves: their pastimes, favorite movies, books, sacred spots, and anything else that gives me a composite picture of their core values. I usually write a story from these questions and give the story an interesting theme (it comes right out of what they write).
But lately I have had couples asking me to give them advice (not a lecture on divorce). So after 32 years of marriage I have to dig within and say something authentic, without reverting to preaching. So, what's my advice? Bad things will happen; we are tested many times exactly where we should be; we are attracted to the one we love for important reasons, but we discover why we marry "that one" for something far more challenging. None of us is perfect, but all of us want to be a better person. The one we marry should cause us to grow, to learn and appreciate a bigger universe than when we started out. And after thirty plus years our differences make us more interesting and able to laugh; they are not problems to overcome. When you're married thirty plus years, you know what's important, and it's so good to have a best friend by your side who knows the same thing. That other person has invested in you, in spite of his or her constant ego, and that investment is priceless. It's what takes old married couples right to the end. It takes humility to survive the many trials of a marriage, which are only the trials of living, so the greatest gift of marriage is the humility of both giving and taking over the years. Is that preachy?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Engaging
How should a wedding ceremony engage your wedding guests? Engaged is a really good word here. You become engaged which means you have created a bond, a promise of a wedding in the usually near-future. The word also means involved, but committed is the strongest indicator that two people are not just a dating couple but a seriously committed couple.
As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love.
This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through you.
Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.
As a ceremonialist, I always emphasize to the people I interview that a deeply engaging ceremony is the very best public expression of spirituality and of the core meaning of what love is and can accomplish in our lives. It is imperative, IMHO, to have a ceremony where everyone is engaged in the truth and full meaning of love, particularly committed love.
This is why the Celebrant wedding philosophy so attracted me to do this particular work. Your love story is your journey to that moment, your personal take on what it means to be fully human and to make such a commitment for life. When I ask people all those questions and then sit down to craft a story from each response, it almost always turns out to have humor. Why? Life itself is funny, depending on your viewpoint, and authentic humor is engaging. But that doesn't mean cute jokes. Authentic stories allow everyone to enter your life from your story's point of view on love. And then each one who hears your story can connect from the heart and experience what love is, through you.
Engage your guests, your friends and family. It's so simple. Let them in on who you are. People will remember your story long after the taste of wedding cake has faded.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
weddings, recessions, budgets and smart spending
Are weddings recession proof? Of course not and why should they be?
But there is one advantage with a wedding: when savings have been set aside, there is money designated for the dream wedding. When money has not been set aside (we didn't do this 30+ years ago), a recession will sometimes dramatically affect how much you spend.
Many recent brides and grooms have told me lately that they can bargain with venues, caterers, photographers, florists and musicians. In my work I have met some of the best in the industry, particularly photographers and musicians, and I hate to see them suffer (they are artists, after all). But how do you decide where to let go of the purse strings and where to hold back?
Rule #1: Please yourself first. If your mother's three brothers and your fiance's father would be shocked at a wedding with under a hundred guests, DO IT anyway! Head count is vital to cost control.
Rule #2: Small things get noticed and they matter. A simple vase of white roses on a table with photos of the two of you as children will draw everyone's attention. We all grow up and sooner or later fall in love. Who would have thought that little boy with the floppy ears would turn out so handsome, especially in a tux?
Rule #3: The ceremony is the point and the reception is the after-party. If you can splurge anywhere, give yourself a violinist for your ceremony and let the DJ do the reception. If you're in a large city like Boston, call one of our many music schools and you'll find extraordinary talent and really good rates.
Rule #4: Do you have to have Vera Wang because your closest friends will know (Wang gowns are gorgeous) or can you take the time you need to look around at what makes you feel great, look great, and won't cost you six months of your rent?
Rule #5: Set the boundaries on the overruns. I have persuaded brides to get the violinist (or a string quartet) instead of the iPod, but it was up to the both groom and bride to say--yes, this is worth it and no, that is not.
Well, another homespun list from another unsolicited advisor, but I just couldn't help it. Recessions don't have to spoil the joy and pleasure of your great day!
But there is one advantage with a wedding: when savings have been set aside, there is money designated for the dream wedding. When money has not been set aside (we didn't do this 30+ years ago), a recession will sometimes dramatically affect how much you spend.
Many recent brides and grooms have told me lately that they can bargain with venues, caterers, photographers, florists and musicians. In my work I have met some of the best in the industry, particularly photographers and musicians, and I hate to see them suffer (they are artists, after all). But how do you decide where to let go of the purse strings and where to hold back?
Rule #1: Please yourself first. If your mother's three brothers and your fiance's father would be shocked at a wedding with under a hundred guests, DO IT anyway! Head count is vital to cost control.
Rule #2: Small things get noticed and they matter. A simple vase of white roses on a table with photos of the two of you as children will draw everyone's attention. We all grow up and sooner or later fall in love. Who would have thought that little boy with the floppy ears would turn out so handsome, especially in a tux?
Rule #3: The ceremony is the point and the reception is the after-party. If you can splurge anywhere, give yourself a violinist for your ceremony and let the DJ do the reception. If you're in a large city like Boston, call one of our many music schools and you'll find extraordinary talent and really good rates.
Rule #4: Do you have to have Vera Wang because your closest friends will know (Wang gowns are gorgeous) or can you take the time you need to look around at what makes you feel great, look great, and won't cost you six months of your rent?
Rule #5: Set the boundaries on the overruns. I have persuaded brides to get the violinist (or a string quartet) instead of the iPod, but it was up to the both groom and bride to say--yes, this is worth it and no, that is not.
Well, another homespun list from another unsolicited advisor, but I just couldn't help it. Recessions don't have to spoil the joy and pleasure of your great day!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Same Sex Marriage
I am convinced that this will be remembered in history as a civil rights issue that was finally won in a federal overturning of the DOMA law around 2020. Once Iowa joined the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and then Vermont joined in by a legislature vote, the momentum arrived for the voice of the people of all sexual orientations to speak up.
As a former educator in a university, I had the task of reading hundreds of student essays on civil rights and marginalization. It was an eye opener. One year I had my students choose their focus on any civil rights issue. We had been reading James Baldwin and MLK, but their essays could address any related subject relevant to them. Perhaps 20% of them wrote about gay equality. And these were probably straight young adults. (I don't ask nor do I care what orientation people have). There was one openly gay student and he wrote about something else.
It was then I knew that the millennial generation has no issue around this civil right.
I conduct same sex marriage ceremonies (about 10-15% of all my weddings) and they are an honor to perform, and it all started with moving to Massachusetts in 2005. I look forward to more states coming on board (go new York!). The sky hasn't fallen in the Commonwealth here, and it won't fall anywhere else.
As a former educator in a university, I had the task of reading hundreds of student essays on civil rights and marginalization. It was an eye opener. One year I had my students choose their focus on any civil rights issue. We had been reading James Baldwin and MLK, but their essays could address any related subject relevant to them. Perhaps 20% of them wrote about gay equality. And these were probably straight young adults. (I don't ask nor do I care what orientation people have). There was one openly gay student and he wrote about something else.
It was then I knew that the millennial generation has no issue around this civil right.
I conduct same sex marriage ceremonies (about 10-15% of all my weddings) and they are an honor to perform, and it all started with moving to Massachusetts in 2005. I look forward to more states coming on board (go new York!). The sky hasn't fallen in the Commonwealth here, and it won't fall anywhere else.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The Authentic Ceremony
Why is authenticity so important in a wedding? Romance is what we all enjoy, reading about it, watching it in film and on TV and celebrating it in a wedding. But romance comes long before commitment and it's choosing another, committing to another that makes the wedding authentic (and does the same for the marriage itself). Romance is the trigger and commitment makes us adults. And the words we use make all the difference.
I officiated a wedding this afternoon for a couple who wrote lengthy tributes about each other (which I edited for reading at the ceremony) and neither of them saw nor read what the other had said. They heard each other's tribute simultaneously with their guests. Everyone was moved by their words, by the truthful, humorous and clearly wise observations they each had of the other.
They found vows as well that were specific to their own commitment, beautiful, frank and not your everyday wedding vows.
I believe that a wedding ceremony can re-ignite the rich experience of what love is to everyone you invite. The more inclusive we are in our love and in our sharing its full and practical picture, the more we open ourselves to our friends and family. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes the same village to embrace and support a marriage. The words we say on our wedding day are our promises to keep. Words matter.
I officiated a wedding this afternoon for a couple who wrote lengthy tributes about each other (which I edited for reading at the ceremony) and neither of them saw nor read what the other had said. They heard each other's tribute simultaneously with their guests. Everyone was moved by their words, by the truthful, humorous and clearly wise observations they each had of the other.
They found vows as well that were specific to their own commitment, beautiful, frank and not your everyday wedding vows.
I believe that a wedding ceremony can re-ignite the rich experience of what love is to everyone you invite. The more inclusive we are in our love and in our sharing its full and practical picture, the more we open ourselves to our friends and family. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes the same village to embrace and support a marriage. The words we say on our wedding day are our promises to keep. Words matter.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Art of Pleasing Everybody
Yes, you can actually do it. How? Please yourself.
Since my officiant work is almost exclusively interfaith, I hear lots of stories of how this parent or grandparent might be offended if a particular religious practice is not done at the ceremony. But just today a groom told me how his Catholic mother would love to see something echoing her religious beliefs, but that in fact she only wants him to be happy, and she knows his choice of leaving his religion behind has not altered his behavior: he's still a son of great character.
Your wedding day is by its very nature an expression of your spiritual personality, not necessarily of your religious practice. Loving another human being enough to commit to a lifetime of shared efforts, joys and sacrifices, as well as bringing children in to the world, is a spiritual undertaking like no other. It will test you in the crucible of the direct human experience of forgiveness, compassion and humility. These are issues of spirit, and this is precisely why all good marriages strengthen everyone in a community.
Own your spiritual being, with its still small voice of conscience. This means please yourself for your ceremony based on your values and on your view of love in the world. All of us understand this in our hearts, no matter our religion.
Since my officiant work is almost exclusively interfaith, I hear lots of stories of how this parent or grandparent might be offended if a particular religious practice is not done at the ceremony. But just today a groom told me how his Catholic mother would love to see something echoing her religious beliefs, but that in fact she only wants him to be happy, and she knows his choice of leaving his religion behind has not altered his behavior: he's still a son of great character.
Your wedding day is by its very nature an expression of your spiritual personality, not necessarily of your religious practice. Loving another human being enough to commit to a lifetime of shared efforts, joys and sacrifices, as well as bringing children in to the world, is a spiritual undertaking like no other. It will test you in the crucible of the direct human experience of forgiveness, compassion and humility. These are issues of spirit, and this is precisely why all good marriages strengthen everyone in a community.
Own your spiritual being, with its still small voice of conscience. This means please yourself for your ceremony based on your values and on your view of love in the world. All of us understand this in our hearts, no matter our religion.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Weddings are recession proof
Well, that DEPENDS you might say. Very elaborate, expensive weddings will still happen among those who have saved for the event, or among the wealthy. But in my dealings with couples, I've seen an occasional paring down of their wedding budgets. Like? One bride said: "We were having 150 guests, but we're working on it to get it to no more than 90".
This is a huge savings. I married a couple last summer in the Boston Public Garden who wanted just the three of us, but over a dozen friends and family slowed up anyway. They had bought a house together and felt they just couldn't pay for a wedding as well.
People should spend on the happiest day of their lives, but how much we spend on five course dinners is really a matter of taste and budget. Much of the cost cutting can come from drawing up a smaller list of guests. This is often not possible to do, and when parents pick up a good part of the tab, it's fair to have their friends in droves. It's their party too.
But if it's your tab, it's your guest list and a smaller budget wedding can be glorious.
This is a huge savings. I married a couple last summer in the Boston Public Garden who wanted just the three of us, but over a dozen friends and family slowed up anyway. They had bought a house together and felt they just couldn't pay for a wedding as well.
People should spend on the happiest day of their lives, but how much we spend on five course dinners is really a matter of taste and budget. Much of the cost cutting can come from drawing up a smaller list of guests. This is often not possible to do, and when parents pick up a good part of the tab, it's fair to have their friends in droves. It's their party too.
But if it's your tab, it's your guest list and a smaller budget wedding can be glorious.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Beware Ceremony Lectures
I interviewed a couple this afternoon who described the worst wedding they ever attended was when the priest reminded the congregation on the wedding day that only 50% of marriages survive. Now I'm sure he meant to set a tone of the seriousness of marriage or of making a commitment, but in fact this statement is better said as private counsel to the couple.
This slip of the tongue set a downbeat tone, one of fear, and only a sad reminder of how hard marriage can be. And it's not that this is a lie. Marriage is not easy. But wedding ceremonies are an opportunity for gratitude, for celebrating the joy of what they have with each other. The vows are solemn enough and when done with sincerity are memorable.
The general American statistics on divorce have nothing to do with this couple standing before the priest. He may as well tell them that 55 % of American men and women are overweight. Will that mean they'll eat healthier food and exercise? Reminding them of the divorce rate may actually be soothing: "so if this doesn't work out, we won't be any worse than half the population!"
A marriage is an awesome celebration. If people are prepared they will go in with their eyes open and weather the storms. If they're too immature to face the road ahead, a lecture during the ceremony won't help. Speak of the promise, the hope, the many benefits of this union. Or just try to stay skinny for the next 50 years.
This slip of the tongue set a downbeat tone, one of fear, and only a sad reminder of how hard marriage can be. And it's not that this is a lie. Marriage is not easy. But wedding ceremonies are an opportunity for gratitude, for celebrating the joy of what they have with each other. The vows are solemn enough and when done with sincerity are memorable.
The general American statistics on divorce have nothing to do with this couple standing before the priest. He may as well tell them that 55 % of American men and women are overweight. Will that mean they'll eat healthier food and exercise? Reminding them of the divorce rate may actually be soothing: "so if this doesn't work out, we won't be any worse than half the population!"
A marriage is an awesome celebration. If people are prepared they will go in with their eyes open and weather the storms. If they're too immature to face the road ahead, a lecture during the ceremony won't help. Speak of the promise, the hope, the many benefits of this union. Or just try to stay skinny for the next 50 years.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Summer weddings
Oh it feels so good to say that! It's going down to 4 degrees in Boston this February night and a summer wedding is on my mind. I just love talking to people about their July wedding and how they plan to have a rain and/or heat plan to change to the indoors at the last minute.
And while we're on the subject, we actually have more weddings in September and October and November in the greater Boston area than June, July and August. Why? It's the beautiful autumns in the Northeast and it generally doesn't get too hot for the outdoors. My clients book September first every year, and often a full year or more ahead.
And while we're on the subject, I've been getting flooded this winter with calls for interviews. Why? There's a nice article in Boston Weddings Magazine that has brought unsolicited publicity. I didn't say unappreciated!
Check it out: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/weddings/articles/the_experts3/page2.
Anyway, summer will be here soon. Just four more months!!
And while we're on the subject, we actually have more weddings in September and October and November in the greater Boston area than June, July and August. Why? It's the beautiful autumns in the Northeast and it generally doesn't get too hot for the outdoors. My clients book September first every year, and often a full year or more ahead.
And while we're on the subject, I've been getting flooded this winter with calls for interviews. Why? There's a nice article in Boston Weddings Magazine that has brought unsolicited publicity. I didn't say unappreciated!
Check it out: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/weddings/articles/the_experts3/page2.
Anyway, summer will be here soon. Just four more months!!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The New York Times Weddings
I read them every week, those stories with pictures and sometimes video clips of newlyweds and their wedding pictures. They're a fun read and the couples are usually interesting, providing a mirror into why we pick the ones we pick (or why we succumb to Cupid's ploy).
Many stories involve complex mishaps, or long runs of dry periods where each or one was uncertain. It's surprising how many people marry for the first time in their forties, but New York is a haven for young professionals who turn into single middle aged professionals, like overnight it seems.
And their stories are rewarding in that the people never give up. For most of them natural childbirth won't happen, but adoption may and this is good. What matters most is the strength that society reaps from these unions. The power of an aligned and loving couple who trust one another enough to make such a lifetime commitment can't be measured. I remember saying when I married that my husband and I were of a second marriage age, but a first marriage couple. He was 45 and I was 33.
Is there a downside to getting married in your mid-forties? Aside from having passed a healthy child-bearing age, I don't see anything but an upside. Keeping the dream alive and making the courageous leap into the solemn promise to one imperfect person just like yourself is an asset to your character. Never give up. There is always someone out there for you, not just anybody, but your destiny.
Many stories involve complex mishaps, or long runs of dry periods where each or one was uncertain. It's surprising how many people marry for the first time in their forties, but New York is a haven for young professionals who turn into single middle aged professionals, like overnight it seems.
And their stories are rewarding in that the people never give up. For most of them natural childbirth won't happen, but adoption may and this is good. What matters most is the strength that society reaps from these unions. The power of an aligned and loving couple who trust one another enough to make such a lifetime commitment can't be measured. I remember saying when I married that my husband and I were of a second marriage age, but a first marriage couple. He was 45 and I was 33.
Is there a downside to getting married in your mid-forties? Aside from having passed a healthy child-bearing age, I don't see anything but an upside. Keeping the dream alive and making the courageous leap into the solemn promise to one imperfect person just like yourself is an asset to your character. Never give up. There is always someone out there for you, not just anybody, but your destiny.
Friday, January 30, 2009
You're still getting married
One thing for sure, people do not stop getting married in a recession. But what I can't predict right now is how big and fancy the weddings will be. Some of the couples I meet are having slightly grand affairs, but grand for me is not the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan.
My prices don't vary much with the economy since they are fairly standard for the service I provide. Cost cutting seems to be in the catering area and perhaps the videographers are losing some business. I've spoken with couples who will use a family member to capture those moments.
However, there are a few brides I've met recently who are having only the Maid of Honor and Best Man, no other bridal party. This is a cost cutter, especially for the would be bridesmaids and groomsmen.
My own wedding cost $2000 and included 60 guests in an outdoor setting of a home we were already renting for the summer. We had bagels and cold cuts to eat, champagne and wine and beer and a carrot wedding cake with white roses atop (real ones you don't eat). That was in the days when people didn't splurge as much. We had no professional photographer since we had so many talented artsy friends who took the pictures and sent them to us. My dress was an antique from 1910 purchased for $50 from a shop on Amsterdam Avenue on the Upper West Side of New York.
But enough of reminiscence. The jury is out on wedding costs for 2009. I'll report on this later, but honestly, I don't ask people their entire budget. I can tell by other signals and this should be an interesting year.
My prices don't vary much with the economy since they are fairly standard for the service I provide. Cost cutting seems to be in the catering area and perhaps the videographers are losing some business. I've spoken with couples who will use a family member to capture those moments.
However, there are a few brides I've met recently who are having only the Maid of Honor and Best Man, no other bridal party. This is a cost cutter, especially for the would be bridesmaids and groomsmen.
My own wedding cost $2000 and included 60 guests in an outdoor setting of a home we were already renting for the summer. We had bagels and cold cuts to eat, champagne and wine and beer and a carrot wedding cake with white roses atop (real ones you don't eat). That was in the days when people didn't splurge as much. We had no professional photographer since we had so many talented artsy friends who took the pictures and sent them to us. My dress was an antique from 1910 purchased for $50 from a shop on Amsterdam Avenue on the Upper West Side of New York.
But enough of reminiscence. The jury is out on wedding costs for 2009. I'll report on this later, but honestly, I don't ask people their entire budget. I can tell by other signals and this should be an interesting year.
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