The unique feature I offer my wedding clients is the love story, delivered before the official and more traditional elements of the ceremony begin. I pull my data from a two page questionnaire that both bride and groom fill out after their initial interview.
It's a challenge to write these love stories: sometimes people tell me things they don't actually want revealed (I see how a reporter has to work), and sometimes they tell me so little I have to stretch my imagination to get a full story out. Those who know my work often ask which scenario is preferable--tons of information and juicy detail, or snippets of ambiguous half sentences that only hint at the true nature of the couple's love connection.
The short answer is I like more detail. It's easier to edit down than to make things up. However, working with little hints can be fun. I have a current couple who I won't actually meet until their wedding rehearsal and who are shy about their story, but the very few tips I have from them surprised me in how much I could guess at their threads of affection for each other, their shared values, and their common goals. I wrote the whole story based on the threads of affection, as this is where the poetry of love story writing happens.
There are some things every wedding love story has in common with everyone else's: an inner knowing that this one is different; a trust that this person will not betray you; a connectivity factor that promises a lifelong friendship; an ability to compromise, to find the middle ground to everything that really counts. And one more thing: I've never met a couple who never had to say "I'm sorry".
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wedding rings
One of the shakiest moments in many ceremonies is the slipping on of the rings after reciting the ring vows. Last Saturday evening I rehearsed a couple in exchanging their rings and they were prepared to make sure that neither would be shy about pushing the ring on.
When it came time during the actual ceremony, the groom was fine. The bride, however, who at the rehearsal seemed relaxed and focused, pushed the ring on her new husband's "right" hand. No wonder it took so long. This is not the first time I've seen this, so I've decided to instruct the opposite partner to OFFER the left hand so that there is no confusion.
When it came time during the actual ceremony, the groom was fine. The bride, however, who at the rehearsal seemed relaxed and focused, pushed the ring on her new husband's "right" hand. No wonder it took so long. This is not the first time I've seen this, so I've decided to instruct the opposite partner to OFFER the left hand so that there is no confusion.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Expect the Unexpected
Other than having a rain plan, expecting the unexpected is never a bad idea. What that means is going with the flow and allowing yourself to be OK, no matter what. Nothing can spoil a wedding, short of an absent bride or groom.
I recently performed a ceremony in one of the poshest hotel ballrooms in Boston. There were three hundred guests and this was a fairly long, concelebrated ceremony: first the couple took their "Western" vows and then their Hindu vows.
The Hindu ceremony was lavish and festive. The couple, the Pandit and both sets of parents sat in the Mandap ( a Hindu version of the Jewish huppah). They were sitting in a closed circle within the stunning Mandap for most of the rituals, but the Pandit (officiant) wore a lapel mic so we could hear the translation of both Sanskrit and English.
Halfway into the 40 minutes, we could hear some kind of rock music permeate the ballroom. It sounded muzak- like and one of the bridesmaids sitting in the front row sweetly tiptoed to the back of the ballrom to check this out and get it turned off. She returned within three minutes ( a long time actually) but the music didn't stop. All told, it took nearly ten minutes before the strange sounds subsided and disappeared. I found out later that it was some kind of odd frequency that was unexplainedly picked up and piped up from the hotel lobby.
The bride and groom were not happy with this, nor was the Pandit, but all kept their composure. The whole ceremony was a daring and beautiful gesture to honor both parties in this marriage. No one could have planned against this happening. So just remember, take a deep breath and it will all be fine. We all live moment to moment and fighting any moment, other than taking normal and appropriate precautions, just adds fuel to the fire.
I recently performed a ceremony in one of the poshest hotel ballrooms in Boston. There were three hundred guests and this was a fairly long, concelebrated ceremony: first the couple took their "Western" vows and then their Hindu vows.
The Hindu ceremony was lavish and festive. The couple, the Pandit and both sets of parents sat in the Mandap ( a Hindu version of the Jewish huppah). They were sitting in a closed circle within the stunning Mandap for most of the rituals, but the Pandit (officiant) wore a lapel mic so we could hear the translation of both Sanskrit and English.
Halfway into the 40 minutes, we could hear some kind of rock music permeate the ballroom. It sounded muzak- like and one of the bridesmaids sitting in the front row sweetly tiptoed to the back of the ballrom to check this out and get it turned off. She returned within three minutes ( a long time actually) but the music didn't stop. All told, it took nearly ten minutes before the strange sounds subsided and disappeared. I found out later that it was some kind of odd frequency that was unexplainedly picked up and piped up from the hotel lobby.
The bride and groom were not happy with this, nor was the Pandit, but all kept their composure. The whole ceremony was a daring and beautiful gesture to honor both parties in this marriage. No one could have planned against this happening. So just remember, take a deep breath and it will all be fine. We all live moment to moment and fighting any moment, other than taking normal and appropriate precautions, just adds fuel to the fire.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Overcrowding the ceremony space
Hello out there brides and grooms:
It's been awhile since I've posted and it feels good to speak out again. So here's some advice in case you're planning your wedding right now. Be careful of having too much clutter at the front of the ceremony space, you know, the place where you and your officiant and your wedding party stand.
Not long ago, I officiated a wedding where the bride, with all the best intentions, added just one too many decorative details than she could comfortably control if other variables entered the picture, which they did. She had planned to have her wedding outdoors (it was June, so why not?). But since it was a rainy day the event was moved into the resort's large banquet room.This happens all the time at wedding venues and it's usually accomodated by setting up the reception tables on one end and cordoning off the room with dividers of some kind.
In this case, the room was too crowded for the front of the ceremony to fit in at a safe and aesthetic distance from the guests. Caterers almost always set the front row too close to the ceremony area for my taste. I prefer a good eight to ten feet. I usually get six feet if I'm lucky. What happened here was a refusal to move the front row back. But the bride brought in a construction of something like a half gazebo, which would have worked just fine outdoors, but moved indoors was cramped. So when the bridesmaids came down the aisle, and the videographer planted himself between the end of the gazebo and the front row of guests, the bridesmaids couldn't get by to stand in their designated place. So I asked the videographer to move, he backed up, and knocked over the large glass vase of long stemmed roses that had been placed at the foot of the gazebo. Get the picture?
All of this happened before the bride got down the aisle, but when she did arrive, her bridesmaids were standing about four to five feet further away than we had rehearsed and she asked me why no one was adjusting her train. I finally elbowed the videographer into the rear of the arrangement so we could look like a choreographed wedding party.
So now having looked at all the details, it strikes me there are two places to watch out for: since venues may not be able to get the chairs far enough back for a beautiful picture perfect aesthtetic distance for the wedding party, at least get the videographer out of the way. If I could do this wedding over, I would have instructed him to stay in the center aisle to get his good shots. The second piece of advice is to the bride and/or wedding planner: use as little as possible up front. Tall vases or a very simple arch are good enough and do the job quite well.
It's been awhile since I've posted and it feels good to speak out again. So here's some advice in case you're planning your wedding right now. Be careful of having too much clutter at the front of the ceremony space, you know, the place where you and your officiant and your wedding party stand.
Not long ago, I officiated a wedding where the bride, with all the best intentions, added just one too many decorative details than she could comfortably control if other variables entered the picture, which they did. She had planned to have her wedding outdoors (it was June, so why not?). But since it was a rainy day the event was moved into the resort's large banquet room.This happens all the time at wedding venues and it's usually accomodated by setting up the reception tables on one end and cordoning off the room with dividers of some kind.
In this case, the room was too crowded for the front of the ceremony to fit in at a safe and aesthetic distance from the guests. Caterers almost always set the front row too close to the ceremony area for my taste. I prefer a good eight to ten feet. I usually get six feet if I'm lucky. What happened here was a refusal to move the front row back. But the bride brought in a construction of something like a half gazebo, which would have worked just fine outdoors, but moved indoors was cramped. So when the bridesmaids came down the aisle, and the videographer planted himself between the end of the gazebo and the front row of guests, the bridesmaids couldn't get by to stand in their designated place. So I asked the videographer to move, he backed up, and knocked over the large glass vase of long stemmed roses that had been placed at the foot of the gazebo. Get the picture?
All of this happened before the bride got down the aisle, but when she did arrive, her bridesmaids were standing about four to five feet further away than we had rehearsed and she asked me why no one was adjusting her train. I finally elbowed the videographer into the rear of the arrangement so we could look like a choreographed wedding party.
So now having looked at all the details, it strikes me there are two places to watch out for: since venues may not be able to get the chairs far enough back for a beautiful picture perfect aesthtetic distance for the wedding party, at least get the videographer out of the way. If I could do this wedding over, I would have instructed him to stay in the center aisle to get his good shots. The second piece of advice is to the bride and/or wedding planner: use as little as possible up front. Tall vases or a very simple arch are good enough and do the job quite well.
Friday, October 5, 2007
The Wedding Season
It's in the last active month in the Northeast. There are few weddings in November and even fewer in December. Of course, January through March is also extremely quiet. The exceptions are New Year's Eve and Valnetine's Day, but those are too often on weekdays and the weddings are tiny.
What is there about a winter wedding? You certainly don't have to worry about guests having other plans and missing your date. And honeymoon prices are often pretty good. Resort wedding venues offer better prices in the off-season as well. You can get a good location at 20 to 30% off in some lovely Berkshires and Cape Cod venues if you're looking to marry in Massachusetts.
So if you're budget-minded, book yourself a winter date. I'm available after Novmber 11th!
What is there about a winter wedding? You certainly don't have to worry about guests having other plans and missing your date. And honeymoon prices are often pretty good. Resort wedding venues offer better prices in the off-season as well. You can get a good location at 20 to 30% off in some lovely Berkshires and Cape Cod venues if you're looking to marry in Massachusetts.
So if you're budget-minded, book yourself a winter date. I'm available after Novmber 11th!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Trains
No, not the ones we run to and depend on for work.
Trains are beautiful additions to the weddng processional and recessional and sometimes set up the bride in the post wedding pictures to look like a queen. But they're tricky in a wedding ceremony. Some Maids of Honor seem to forget that their job will be to adjust the train when and if the bride has almost any movement to perform in her wedding ceremony, and almost every bride does have at least one small movement to make, small but active enough to affect how her dress and train move with her.
My suggestion: at the rehearsal, ask the MOH to act out this activity, including how she handles her own bouquet while performng this task. I've never seen a train disaster, but there are awkward moments that can be avoided, just by this tiny addition to the rehearsal.
Trains are beautiful additions to the weddng processional and recessional and sometimes set up the bride in the post wedding pictures to look like a queen. But they're tricky in a wedding ceremony. Some Maids of Honor seem to forget that their job will be to adjust the train when and if the bride has almost any movement to perform in her wedding ceremony, and almost every bride does have at least one small movement to make, small but active enough to affect how her dress and train move with her.
My suggestion: at the rehearsal, ask the MOH to act out this activity, including how she handles her own bouquet while performng this task. I've never seen a train disaster, but there are awkward moments that can be avoided, just by this tiny addition to the rehearsal.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ushers
Small weddings sometimes suggest a relaxed atmosphere. If there are fifty guests invited to sit in the outdoors, and guests come dressed in garden party comfort, they can find a seat suitable for themselves, right? At least most people know better than to take the first row, the one reserved (with or without a sign) for the couple's immediate family.
There's one problem, and one I know from years of teaching and presenting seminars: given a chance to choose their own seating, most people will fill up the back rows and scrupulously avoid the front.
I recently officiated a wedding with sixty guests invited to an exquisite outdoor setting. When the processional was about to begin and I was standing in my official spot, I saw the first five rows were virtually empty. As the bridal party was slightly delayed, I took the opportunity to announce to latecomers and to others crowded together in the last two rows that there were plenty of seats up front. By sheer luck, I was able to fill in the areas that ushers, had there been any, should have filled in.
The simple solution here is to designate any trusted young man or woman to merely guide people to the front rows. Ushers as such are not formalities to be avoided in a more casual wedding; they are necessary to set the stage for coziness and community in the ceremony itself.
There's one problem, and one I know from years of teaching and presenting seminars: given a chance to choose their own seating, most people will fill up the back rows and scrupulously avoid the front.
I recently officiated a wedding with sixty guests invited to an exquisite outdoor setting. When the processional was about to begin and I was standing in my official spot, I saw the first five rows were virtually empty. As the bridal party was slightly delayed, I took the opportunity to announce to latecomers and to others crowded together in the last two rows that there were plenty of seats up front. By sheer luck, I was able to fill in the areas that ushers, had there been any, should have filled in.
The simple solution here is to designate any trusted young man or woman to merely guide people to the front rows. Ushers as such are not formalities to be avoided in a more casual wedding; they are necessary to set the stage for coziness and community in the ceremony itself.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Other old customs
Perhaps I've lived too long in the Northeast (East Coast), but I haven't seen a bouquet thrown to eligible "maidens", nor have I seen a garter slithered off the thigh of a new bride, only to be thrown to the eligible bachelors in a very long time ( more that ten years).
Wedding receptions have come a long way. We still have the formal entrnce of the couple and even their wedding party and parents, and many do this aspect with flourish and imagination. Last summer I watched a couple I had just married enter their reception in Red Sox regalia. Another baseball couple this year hired the official game announcer at Fenway Park to trumpet their entance.
But the first dance used to be just a dance. Today couples take salsa, samba, or minuet lessons, or stop just shy of outright gymnastics to kick off a reception with more fun than sobriety. And customs have crossovers as well. I am officiating a ceremony later this year where a Christian bride is planning to stand beneath the traditional Jewish chuppah.
I guess this is a sign of one world, and I think it's great.
Wedding receptions have come a long way. We still have the formal entrnce of the couple and even their wedding party and parents, and many do this aspect with flourish and imagination. Last summer I watched a couple I had just married enter their reception in Red Sox regalia. Another baseball couple this year hired the official game announcer at Fenway Park to trumpet their entance.
But the first dance used to be just a dance. Today couples take salsa, samba, or minuet lessons, or stop just shy of outright gymnastics to kick off a reception with more fun than sobriety. And customs have crossovers as well. I am officiating a ceremony later this year where a Christian bride is planning to stand beneath the traditional Jewish chuppah.
I guess this is a sign of one world, and I think it's great.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The old days
I remember a custom from the last century (not sure which decade it might have died out) when couples who were newly married got into a car decorated with white ribbons and with tin cans tied to the tailpipe and honked horns driving all over town, announcing they were "Just Married".
I swear I haven't seen this for at least twenty years. Yes, couples still might hire a limo, but what happened to the noisy hoopla? And where did this custom originate? Please send me what you know. I'll post your description. Also tell me if this custom is still practiced wherever you live.
I swear I haven't seen this for at least twenty years. Yes, couples still might hire a limo, but what happened to the noisy hoopla? And where did this custom originate? Please send me what you know. I'll post your description. Also tell me if this custom is still practiced wherever you live.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Significant Other Attending Persons
Before the daunting task of figuring out seating arangements for the reception, there comes an earlier and sometimes diffficult decision: who will be the "Maid" of Honor and who will be the "Best" Man? Take away the words honor and best and this might be a little easier.
For many it's fine to select a beloved sister or brother and that eliminates competition among friends. But you're actually not stuck with even a single selection. I recently officiated a ceremony where the groom's brother and sister shared his Best Person status. In other weddings I've conducted, there was no name designation among the attendants, but the person standing closest to the bride and groom handed over the rings at the designated time.
There are weddings with no attendants at all---someone (usually pretty special) sitting up front among the guests rises to offer the rings and that's the end of it.
Bottom line: you have choices. Best and honor don't have to weigh you down.
For many it's fine to select a beloved sister or brother and that eliminates competition among friends. But you're actually not stuck with even a single selection. I recently officiated a ceremony where the groom's brother and sister shared his Best Person status. In other weddings I've conducted, there was no name designation among the attendants, but the person standing closest to the bride and groom handed over the rings at the designated time.
There are weddings with no attendants at all---someone (usually pretty special) sitting up front among the guests rises to offer the rings and that's the end of it.
Bottom line: you have choices. Best and honor don't have to weigh you down.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Wedding vows
The traditional wedding vows are serious business. Probably the hardest one to uphold is: for richer, for poorer. Few of us are so hard-hearted to abandon a sick spouse or run from the sorrows of a shared suffering. But poorer has it all: it's worse, it's often sorrowful, and its miseries can make us sick.
We tend not to dwell on the vows, but in fact they are solemn promises to keep. The vows are the center of the ceremony and even if we have a civil ceremony, the vows themselves are what makes it all legal. We don't need the rings, and here in Massachusetts, we don't even need witnesses.
So, if you're writing your own vows, look first at tradition---those words can be excellent guidelines to how you construct your own promises.
We tend not to dwell on the vows, but in fact they are solemn promises to keep. The vows are the center of the ceremony and even if we have a civil ceremony, the vows themselves are what makes it all legal. We don't need the rings, and here in Massachusetts, we don't even need witnesses.
So, if you're writing your own vows, look first at tradition---those words can be excellent guidelines to how you construct your own promises.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Admit impediments
Shakepeare starts his beautiful sonnet: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments..."
I recently officiated a wedding where the bride's father joked to me during the rehearsal: "Don't you all ask anymore about impediments to this union, or is there anyone who objects?" I hadn't thought about that in a long time.
Although there are literary works that show this custom and a few clever commercials that do the same, it's rarely done today. We just assume that if the two of them get down the aisle without disruption, we just don't have to ask about impediments. After all, the impediment screening happens when the license is issued. If one party (or both) is not capable of proving divorce, the license is withheld.
Admitting impediments is not the same as having legitmate differences. Some of these differences we won't know till years into the marraige. It's not that people consciously keep secrets from one another, it's just that we fail to understnad ourselves (or each other) until we have critical opportunities to learn. Marriage is a risk; that's what makes it an interesting adventure.
I recently officiated a wedding where the bride's father joked to me during the rehearsal: "Don't you all ask anymore about impediments to this union, or is there anyone who objects?" I hadn't thought about that in a long time.
Although there are literary works that show this custom and a few clever commercials that do the same, it's rarely done today. We just assume that if the two of them get down the aisle without disruption, we just don't have to ask about impediments. After all, the impediment screening happens when the license is issued. If one party (or both) is not capable of proving divorce, the license is withheld.
Admitting impediments is not the same as having legitmate differences. Some of these differences we won't know till years into the marraige. It's not that people consciously keep secrets from one another, it's just that we fail to understnad ourselves (or each other) until we have critical opportunities to learn. Marriage is a risk; that's what makes it an interesting adventure.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I Love Love
Nothing moves the world better, at least with more joy and elegance, than a good love story. Why? What happens when two people fall in love, other than what we all know too well as the cliche stuff?
When the whirlwind of romance dies down, when the bloom fades from the rose, the fragrance remains, the form is still a rose and the substance is roseness. A rose will never be a dandelion. So also is true love.
Love at its center includes acceptance of "what is". When we love another, we move our boundaries to include another's full expression of life, and we move our personal views outside of our protective shell. Sometimes this inclusion can be a mistake. We find areas with our beloved that we may fear to tread.Or we come to see that these are places from which to grow together.
Years ago I found that my husband spoke of wild and crazy adventure. Some of it was already in his past and some of it was in his dreams. Now, thirty years later, some of those dreams we fulfilled together and some were disasters. After many years my boundaries (fears and objections) are much more secure. I have learned to listen in a different way.
Marriage then can become an opportunity to listen to the world. It is an exercise in hearing the universe by opening to one person. It is strengthening some boundaries and loosening others. That's what I love about love: play in life with a full deck and a full keyboard.
When the whirlwind of romance dies down, when the bloom fades from the rose, the fragrance remains, the form is still a rose and the substance is roseness. A rose will never be a dandelion. So also is true love.
Love at its center includes acceptance of "what is". When we love another, we move our boundaries to include another's full expression of life, and we move our personal views outside of our protective shell. Sometimes this inclusion can be a mistake. We find areas with our beloved that we may fear to tread.Or we come to see that these are places from which to grow together.
Years ago I found that my husband spoke of wild and crazy adventure. Some of it was already in his past and some of it was in his dreams. Now, thirty years later, some of those dreams we fulfilled together and some were disasters. After many years my boundaries (fears and objections) are much more secure. I have learned to listen in a different way.
Marriage then can become an opportunity to listen to the world. It is an exercise in hearing the universe by opening to one person. It is strengthening some boundaries and loosening others. That's what I love about love: play in life with a full deck and a full keyboard.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
A Disney Wedding
Yes, they do your wedding at Disneyworld.
I know a woman who went ahead and did this rather than have the 500 guests, too many of whom would be strangers, her in laws wanted. She loved it and said they took care of everything and gave her complete leisure to focus on her job and leave the wedding minutia to them.
I didn't get the details of her specific ceremony, but I'm going to research. I'll get back to you. I will say that Maryellen (not her real name) is no bimbo. She's cultured, educated and refined. If she gave it a thumbs up, I want to get the skinny on it. Some of you may want to know about this.
I know a woman who went ahead and did this rather than have the 500 guests, too many of whom would be strangers, her in laws wanted. She loved it and said they took care of everything and gave her complete leisure to focus on her job and leave the wedding minutia to them.
I didn't get the details of her specific ceremony, but I'm going to research. I'll get back to you. I will say that Maryellen (not her real name) is no bimbo. She's cultured, educated and refined. If she gave it a thumbs up, I want to get the skinny on it. Some of you may want to know about this.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Ring Ceremony
I've sometimes seen couples confuse the corrrect hand on which to place the ring. It's always the third finger, left hand, so if you raise your right hand, it's the hand right in front of you---no crossover.
This is easy to practice and doesn't need a formal rehearsal.
The next thing to practice (or remember if you feel practicing with the real rings is bad luck) is to take the pushing of the ring slowly. In fact, don't push at all. Both bride and groom sometimes have sweaty palms and sweaty fingers, and this actually might include a little finger swelling. Move the ring onto the beloved's finger slowly and carefully: the more you push, the harder it is to get it on.
Just a little practical stuff for Labor Day.
This is easy to practice and doesn't need a formal rehearsal.
The next thing to practice (or remember if you feel practicing with the real rings is bad luck) is to take the pushing of the ring slowly. In fact, don't push at all. Both bride and groom sometimes have sweaty palms and sweaty fingers, and this actually might include a little finger swelling. Move the ring onto the beloved's finger slowly and carefully: the more you push, the harder it is to get it on.
Just a little practical stuff for Labor Day.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Table Seating
One of the hardest things a couple has to do is decide who sits with whom at the reception. This can be a daunting task, and sometimes irreconcilable. Last night's wedding included 300 guests and the bride and groom seemed to succeed spectacularly at the table arrrangements. The only way I know is that my table had a grand time. My husband and I knew no one but the others at our table all worked together and they enjoyed each other (even though they worked together) and we enjoyed them (even though we knew no one).
That said, I know couples who have open seating. Believe it or not, this is not so risky. People who know each other will find each other and strangers are still strangers and have to fend for themselves. There is that added benefit of putting a few strangers together that you think might get along, but that's like fixing people up. It's hard to find a match that's more than superficial.
So if you're perplexed about seating, consider the second option. It's all a roll of the dice, anyway.
That said, I know couples who have open seating. Believe it or not, this is not so risky. People who know each other will find each other and strangers are still strangers and have to fend for themselves. There is that added benefit of putting a few strangers together that you think might get along, but that's like fixing people up. It's hard to find a match that's more than superficial.
So if you're perplexed about seating, consider the second option. It's all a roll of the dice, anyway.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
September weddings
I love September weddings. They're still summer, but we think fall. Outdoor events could produce heat or cool, and the difference from August may be only a few degrees in either direction. Nonetheless, September is a popular month for outdoor weddings, second only to October here in New England where leaf peeping is an annual pastime.
Frankly I like September for many reasons not connected to weddings, and there may be others like me who choose September ceremonies for subconscious motives. In the Jewish calendar, it is the New Year, a definite cause for joy and for self-renewal. In the USA it is the beginning of the new school year, a cause for excitement and a renewed sense of purpose at least for some students. Those of us who remember school positively will always feel a little lift after Labor Day.
September also marks the end of summer and I get weary of the dog days after 31 of them. Beginnings of any season carry a sense of hope---what will this new season bring; what are the possibilities of a better life in the coming months? This is like a mini-New Year every three months.
So, enjoy the first day of September. I'm motoring down to Rhode Island to preside over a wonderful couple's ceremony. It's a gorgeous 1st of the month here in New England. That's promising.
Frankly I like September for many reasons not connected to weddings, and there may be others like me who choose September ceremonies for subconscious motives. In the Jewish calendar, it is the New Year, a definite cause for joy and for self-renewal. In the USA it is the beginning of the new school year, a cause for excitement and a renewed sense of purpose at least for some students. Those of us who remember school positively will always feel a little lift after Labor Day.
September also marks the end of summer and I get weary of the dog days after 31 of them. Beginnings of any season carry a sense of hope---what will this new season bring; what are the possibilities of a better life in the coming months? This is like a mini-New Year every three months.
So, enjoy the first day of September. I'm motoring down to Rhode Island to preside over a wonderful couple's ceremony. It's a gorgeous 1st of the month here in New England. That's promising.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Time, The Two Kinds
At the risk of sounding like a harpy, here goes another chance to bring about an inner calm. It's so delicious and so necessary for a successful wedding, it bears repeating.
There are two kinds of time--clock time, which brings a degree of order to our universe, and psychological time, which brings for the most part a degree of chaos to the same universe. Here I am addressing the latter.
As a woman, I have spent a number of years worrying. ( I qualify this by gender because men seem to worry less, or maybe they express their needs more quickly). I have concluded that worry is a useless preoccupation; it affects nothing and no one in any positive way. Nagging, on the other hand, affects everyone, including the nagger. Some women nag internally and some externally, but either way it diminishes well-being and achieves no peaceful effect.
Sometimes, in the wake of knowing something will not happen with or without our worry or nagging, we have to let go. Letting go is more important than eating ourselves alive with anxiety. I worked with a bride several years ago who was deeply anxious that her outdoor wedding was going to be moved indoors (threat of rain and temperatures way too cool for the original plan). Once the decision was made, she spent the wedding day letting go. By 6 PM when the ceremony started, she was the most radiantly beautiful bride I had ever seen. Even her photographs showed a genuine peace, a glow I had not seen in the weeks leading up to the wedding.
Beauty comes from within first. It's visible. Feeling good and looking good go hand in hand. Psychological time is within our control. Seize the opportunity.
There are two kinds of time--clock time, which brings a degree of order to our universe, and psychological time, which brings for the most part a degree of chaos to the same universe. Here I am addressing the latter.
As a woman, I have spent a number of years worrying. ( I qualify this by gender because men seem to worry less, or maybe they express their needs more quickly). I have concluded that worry is a useless preoccupation; it affects nothing and no one in any positive way. Nagging, on the other hand, affects everyone, including the nagger. Some women nag internally and some externally, but either way it diminishes well-being and achieves no peaceful effect.
Sometimes, in the wake of knowing something will not happen with or without our worry or nagging, we have to let go. Letting go is more important than eating ourselves alive with anxiety. I worked with a bride several years ago who was deeply anxious that her outdoor wedding was going to be moved indoors (threat of rain and temperatures way too cool for the original plan). Once the decision was made, she spent the wedding day letting go. By 6 PM when the ceremony started, she was the most radiantly beautiful bride I had ever seen. Even her photographs showed a genuine peace, a glow I had not seen in the weeks leading up to the wedding.
Beauty comes from within first. It's visible. Feeling good and looking good go hand in hand. Psychological time is within our control. Seize the opportunity.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Unity Candle
This is a lovely addition to a ceremony, meant to include the family (often the two mothers) as well as the bride and groom.
For outdoor weddings, it's tricky. Suggestions:
1. Use a hurricane glass covering for the large center candle
2. Don't light the tapers until immediately before lighting the larger candle
3. Use tiny votive candles already lit to light the tapers and blow them out after the tapers are lit
4. Blow out the tapers after the center candle is lit.
5. Use tiny box matches and PRACTICE at the rehearsal.
In short, let all candles burn as briefly as possible, even indoors. Whether in or out doors there are breezes, air conditoning, whatever, which will affect the way the candles burn and they can be a big distraction.
For outdoor weddings, it's tricky. Suggestions:
1. Use a hurricane glass covering for the large center candle
2. Don't light the tapers until immediately before lighting the larger candle
3. Use tiny votive candles already lit to light the tapers and blow them out after the tapers are lit
4. Blow out the tapers after the center candle is lit.
5. Use tiny box matches and PRACTICE at the rehearsal.
In short, let all candles burn as briefly as possible, even indoors. Whether in or out doors there are breezes, air conditoning, whatever, which will affect the way the candles burn and they can be a big distraction.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Being there
Being there for your own wedding is the greatest gift to give yourself, your beloved, and your family and friends.
The best way to be there "then" is to be here "now". The practice of being present, of being still, of breathing and centering can be done repeatedly, consciously, in the days leading up to the BIG ONE so that when the pressure and excitement of the actual wedding day arrives, your body and soul remember the pattern of stillness and peace you have already set in motion.
There are no amounts of flowers, wedding attire or other accoutrements that can substitute for a couple who are present for their own wedding. Right before I walked down the aisle for my own outdoor wedding thirty years ago, my poor mother, who suffered from chronic depression, started talking to me about a friend who had died earlier that year. Death and loss was furthest from my mind, but here it was right before my wonderful moment before the ceremony. I had to let that go, forgive my mother, and focus on the present.
Your own distractions may be simpler, but they will be there, nonetheless. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, whatever the nagging thought or emotion, it's not personal. It's the wind of distraction and you can let it pass.
The best way to be there "then" is to be here "now". The practice of being present, of being still, of breathing and centering can be done repeatedly, consciously, in the days leading up to the BIG ONE so that when the pressure and excitement of the actual wedding day arrives, your body and soul remember the pattern of stillness and peace you have already set in motion.
There are no amounts of flowers, wedding attire or other accoutrements that can substitute for a couple who are present for their own wedding. Right before I walked down the aisle for my own outdoor wedding thirty years ago, my poor mother, who suffered from chronic depression, started talking to me about a friend who had died earlier that year. Death and loss was furthest from my mind, but here it was right before my wonderful moment before the ceremony. I had to let that go, forgive my mother, and focus on the present.
Your own distractions may be simpler, but they will be there, nonetheless. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, whatever the nagging thought or emotion, it's not personal. It's the wind of distraction and you can let it pass.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Poetry
Having readers for your ceremony is an enhancement to your vows. Good poetry is universal and there are some good nontraditional poems out there that are worth noting.
Check out "The Irrational Season" (excerpts) by Madeleine L'Engle and "love" by Roy Croft. They are both beautifully written, and I have not heard either of them until this week. The L'Engle piece is an essay, not poetry, but leaves a penetrating message.
Of course, your readers should be comfortable with their assignments. I officiated a ceremony in mid-August where the readers had practiced a lot and it showed. Every moment counts in a ceremony; every moment has the opportunity for spirit to open up and hearts to become more whole. Good poetry can do this for you and for your guests.
Check out "The Irrational Season" (excerpts) by Madeleine L'Engle and "love" by Roy Croft. They are both beautifully written, and I have not heard either of them until this week. The L'Engle piece is an essay, not poetry, but leaves a penetrating message.
Of course, your readers should be comfortable with their assignments. I officiated a ceremony in mid-August where the readers had practiced a lot and it showed. Every moment counts in a ceremony; every moment has the opportunity for spirit to open up and hearts to become more whole. Good poetry can do this for you and for your guests.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Don't Mention God
I meet many couples who ask that I don't mention God in their ceremony. Often what they really mean is "don't saturate the ceremony language with references to God".
I find that plenty of young couples (20s to 30s) describe themselves as spiritual, but not religious. Since I am a nondenominational minister, it makes sense that these are the people who seek my services. But often, they find that the mention of God is not what they wish to avoid; it's simply the reminder that they left formal religion behind and don't wish to be hypocritical.
I believe that one's spiritual life is deeply personal and that we don't need to parade it as a possession. That said, the vows of fidelity, loyalty, and permanence to one other person is an awesome promise. To remind ourselves and our wedding guests that we take these words seriously, we are wise to infuse them with spirit. This could be enhanced with the mention of God, or simply with including the feeling of a presence larger than our own tiny preoccupations that allows us to step into such a devotional relationship with another. Either way, vows are somemn promises.
I find that plenty of young couples (20s to 30s) describe themselves as spiritual, but not religious. Since I am a nondenominational minister, it makes sense that these are the people who seek my services. But often, they find that the mention of God is not what they wish to avoid; it's simply the reminder that they left formal religion behind and don't wish to be hypocritical.
I believe that one's spiritual life is deeply personal and that we don't need to parade it as a possession. That said, the vows of fidelity, loyalty, and permanence to one other person is an awesome promise. To remind ourselves and our wedding guests that we take these words seriously, we are wise to infuse them with spirit. This could be enhanced with the mention of God, or simply with including the feeling of a presence larger than our own tiny preoccupations that allows us to step into such a devotional relationship with another. Either way, vows are somemn promises.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Being Present for Your Ceremony
If there's one single thing I recall most vividly from my own wedding (other than a downpour at the end of the ceremony), it's having fought so very hard to be "present", to be conscious of where I was and what I was doing.
I hear this from brides and grooms---they say right before the ceremony that they're fine, but in fact, they're nervous. Since this is a performance of sorts, an opening and closing all wrapped up in one short event, it's normal to feel jittery. In twenty minutes you go from single to married; it's offical and permanent (well, you know...it's supposed to be).
My advice is to check in to your body. Make a scan from toes to ears and feel the energy inside and don't label it. It's energy, not nerves! Nervousness implies inadequacy; energy is neutral. It's good to feel it rather than fight it. You can turn that "nervous" energy into aliveness, the best ingredient for a successful ceremony.Try it.
I hear this from brides and grooms---they say right before the ceremony that they're fine, but in fact, they're nervous. Since this is a performance of sorts, an opening and closing all wrapped up in one short event, it's normal to feel jittery. In twenty minutes you go from single to married; it's offical and permanent (well, you know...it's supposed to be).
My advice is to check in to your body. Make a scan from toes to ears and feel the energy inside and don't label it. It's energy, not nerves! Nervousness implies inadequacy; energy is neutral. It's good to feel it rather than fight it. You can turn that "nervous" energy into aliveness, the best ingredient for a successful ceremony.Try it.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Children in Ceremonies
I take it back. I now believe that four is the cut-off date. Last Friday I officiated a ceremony with two well-behaved and poised four year olds. One of them balked at the rehearsal, but the day of the ceremony, he was a dream. Still, it's wise to have two youngsters come down the "aisle" together. For young children, there's safety in numbers.
What floored me was the reading delivery of a ten year old girl. She read the Irish Blessing with a mike and close to the beginning of the ceremony. I have rarely seen such presence. The adult readers were also very good (they had all rehearsed), but the preteen's delivery was unusual.
It comes down to this: if you have readers, make sure they rehearse on their own and probably at the big rehearsal. It pays to take the time for this. Most of my ceremony rehearsals, the readers do not attend. They're not in the wedding party and they come prepared on their own. But getting the readers to the big rehearsal is wise. I saw it work last week.
What floored me was the reading delivery of a ten year old girl. She read the Irish Blessing with a mike and close to the beginning of the ceremony. I have rarely seen such presence. The adult readers were also very good (they had all rehearsed), but the preteen's delivery was unusual.
It comes down to this: if you have readers, make sure they rehearse on their own and probably at the big rehearsal. It pays to take the time for this. Most of my ceremony rehearsals, the readers do not attend. They're not in the wedding party and they come prepared on their own. But getting the readers to the big rehearsal is wise. I saw it work last week.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Spontaneous Ceremony
I got a call today from a bride planning a wedding next summer. She asked if I had experience doing spontaneous ceremonies. I admitted I didn't, thinking she was referring to the weddings that are sometimes pulled as surprises to the guests. What this young woman wanted was something else. She doesn't want to walk down an aisle and she will have no attendants, so she's looking for a gathering around herself and her groom for the ceremony to begin. This is what she calls spontaneous. This kind of spontaneity I have done.
But the other kind would be a hoot. There are stories of couples who invite a number of friends to a New Year's party and instead of counting down to midnight for the usual festivities, they get married at midnight and the assembled party goers are in fact wedding guests.
Do you have any spontaneous stories? Email me at eq2@att.net. I'll post them here.
But the other kind would be a hoot. There are stories of couples who invite a number of friends to a New Year's party and instead of counting down to midnight for the usual festivities, they get married at midnight and the assembled party goers are in fact wedding guests.
Do you have any spontaneous stories? Email me at eq2@att.net. I'll post them here.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
The Morning After
Well, yesterday I spoke of let down for couples. Today it's let down for officiants. I'm pooped. It was a lovely event, full of joy and tender emotion, but a long two and a quarter hour drive to the venue and by the time dinner was over I was spent.
This is like a Broadway show for all those who invest in the flow, the precision, the best possible outcome for all the hard work. Wedding professionals have let down as well. I sometimes forget how part of my professional fee includes unwavering devotion to the event, the watchfulness over details not under my list of responsibility. Mostly this entails very little, as there are loving family members tuned in to make sure no one gets run over in the traffic. But nonetheless, the vigilance is there and when it's over, there's relief.
So, I'm taking a break, going fishing for a few days in Maine. Back on Tuesday, (21st).
This is like a Broadway show for all those who invest in the flow, the precision, the best possible outcome for all the hard work. Wedding professionals have let down as well. I sometimes forget how part of my professional fee includes unwavering devotion to the event, the watchfulness over details not under my list of responsibility. Mostly this entails very little, as there are loving family members tuned in to make sure no one gets run over in the traffic. But nonetheless, the vigilance is there and when it's over, there's relief.
So, I'm taking a break, going fishing for a few days in Maine. Back on Tuesday, (21st).
Friday, August 17, 2007
Let Down
No question about it, the days after the wedding, or certainly the days after returning from a honeymoon, if it follows immediately, are a big let down. Most couples I know rush right back into a hectic job and find a degree of distraction that seems to help.
But there is a residual downer. The weeks leading up to the wedding are filled with details; if we never learned multi-tasking before, we learn it now. There is a "high"---some cynics call it hype-- to this flurry of excitement, and weddings take on a life of their own. It's like preparing for opening night on Broadway. The show went smoothly, the reviews came in with praise and the cast party was a blast.
And now what! Well, you're married and you may not realize that's what this was about. Best advice: expect the let down and let it be. It will pass. In two weeks or three, when the photos are ready, all the memories will flood back; in fact, you may see you had more fun that you remembered the morning after.
Weddings are events and events have let downs. But those downs will let up.
But there is a residual downer. The weeks leading up to the wedding are filled with details; if we never learned multi-tasking before, we learn it now. There is a "high"---some cynics call it hype-- to this flurry of excitement, and weddings take on a life of their own. It's like preparing for opening night on Broadway. The show went smoothly, the reviews came in with praise and the cast party was a blast.
And now what! Well, you're married and you may not realize that's what this was about. Best advice: expect the let down and let it be. It will pass. In two weeks or three, when the photos are ready, all the memories will flood back; in fact, you may see you had more fun that you remembered the morning after.
Weddings are events and events have let downs. But those downs will let up.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Wedding Rehearsals
Wedding rehearsals are a vitally important preamble to the actual ceremony, but are often not taken seriously enough. I believe this is part of the nervousness of the bridal party. Act like the party has already begun and you'll have a more relaxed attitude.
This is a mistake. A party attitude at the reheasral sets up inattention (not to mention a waste of everyone's time), and that same laid back informality shows up the next day or evening as missed cues, rushed processional entrances, and awkward pauses.
If you're getting close to your rehearsal date, make sure you have a firm grip on getting everyone exactly on the same page at the same time. As a Celebrant, I run the rehearsal and call the shots, allowing the couple to breathe easy as I will wield all the authority required. Wedding planners and catering managers in fine hotels also do this job and the good ones take no prisoners.
And everyone goes through the rehearsal twice. Children should always rehearse, as they are the most likely to veer off into crying land just when you need them to bring the ring to the altar. If you don't have a trusted professional to run the rehearsal, ask your anal-retentive Auntie, the one who always asked you if you were doing well enough in school. You'll thank her after your ceremony.
This is a mistake. A party attitude at the reheasral sets up inattention (not to mention a waste of everyone's time), and that same laid back informality shows up the next day or evening as missed cues, rushed processional entrances, and awkward pauses.
If you're getting close to your rehearsal date, make sure you have a firm grip on getting everyone exactly on the same page at the same time. As a Celebrant, I run the rehearsal and call the shots, allowing the couple to breathe easy as I will wield all the authority required. Wedding planners and catering managers in fine hotels also do this job and the good ones take no prisoners.
And everyone goes through the rehearsal twice. Children should always rehearse, as they are the most likely to veer off into crying land just when you need them to bring the ring to the altar. If you don't have a trusted professional to run the rehearsal, ask your anal-retentive Auntie, the one who always asked you if you were doing well enough in school. You'll thank her after your ceremony.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
A Cake Walk
Back to the strange and intriguing TV show. The host said something like: "if you can survive the wedding; you can survive your marriage". Would that a lifetime with one person were as simple and problem free as most weddings.
Certainly the couple who suffered two deaths and a serious illness of three very close relatives in one week have been through a tremendous suffering together, but that wedding story is an exception, very far from the rule.
I met up with one of my wedding couples last weekend and there were still details to decide, including discussions of different ways between them of looking at a few aspects of the ceremony. But they knew how to compromise, to consider both sides and each "gave in" on a variety of small items that allowed the final game plan to start to fall into place. The is the rule, NOT the exception.
If you're on your way to a wedding ( a marriage) and you want to know what your marriage will be like, just look at couples you admire (maybe your own parents; maybe not). How do they work things out? Ask them what were the toughest things they had to face with each other over the long years and what did they do? The wedding itself is a cakewalk compared to a marriage.
Once again, TV oversimplifies.
Certainly the couple who suffered two deaths and a serious illness of three very close relatives in one week have been through a tremendous suffering together, but that wedding story is an exception, very far from the rule.
I met up with one of my wedding couples last weekend and there were still details to decide, including discussions of different ways between them of looking at a few aspects of the ceremony. But they knew how to compromise, to consider both sides and each "gave in" on a variety of small items that allowed the final game plan to start to fall into place. The is the rule, NOT the exception.
If you're on your way to a wedding ( a marriage) and you want to know what your marriage will be like, just look at couples you admire (maybe your own parents; maybe not). How do they work things out? Ask them what were the toughest things they had to face with each other over the long years and what did they do? The wedding itself is a cakewalk compared to a marriage.
Once again, TV oversimplifies.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Worry
Yesterday's post -Horror Stories-requires some more observation. What was the couple looking for in coming on the show to tell this story? The bride said she was a detail oriented control freak and that her wedding plans were absolutely perfect till the first death happened, followed by the string of other sad circumstances. Of course, the tragedies didn't negate her skills at wedding planning. In fact, as I recall, none of her actual plans went awry. The ceremony happened on schedule. The flowers were there, the dress, the rings, the reception and music and all the other thousand details fell into place.
However, the purpose of this segment of the show was ambiguous. The couple got plenty of sympathy from the audience (who wouldn't sympathize?). The mother of the groom survived her stroke and sat with the couple crying about missing the wedding, and the groom hugged his mother because her being alive was more important than the wedding day being perfect.
I want to know: were the deaths and illnesses not supposed to happen? Of course, no one "wants" those things to happen, but we're not G*d. When bad things happen before good events, we fold them into our lives; we fold them into the ceremony if we want. Or if the events are too devastating (and they can be), we bite the bullet and postpone. What is more tragic than a cousin crashing his light plane and disappearing into the ocean with his wife and sister-in-law on his way to your wedding? (JFK, Jr, July 18, 1999). The cousin postponed.
Life includes birth and death. Weddings are celebrations. This couple was either exploited, or felt they would get some sympathy they missed from their intimate friends and family. Sympathy sells, like tragedy does. And that's TV.
However, the purpose of this segment of the show was ambiguous. The couple got plenty of sympathy from the audience (who wouldn't sympathize?). The mother of the groom survived her stroke and sat with the couple crying about missing the wedding, and the groom hugged his mother because her being alive was more important than the wedding day being perfect.
I want to know: were the deaths and illnesses not supposed to happen? Of course, no one "wants" those things to happen, but we're not G*d. When bad things happen before good events, we fold them into our lives; we fold them into the ceremony if we want. Or if the events are too devastating (and they can be), we bite the bullet and postpone. What is more tragic than a cousin crashing his light plane and disappearing into the ocean with his wife and sister-in-law on his way to your wedding? (JFK, Jr, July 18, 1999). The cousin postponed.
Life includes birth and death. Weddings are celebrations. This couple was either exploited, or felt they would get some sympathy they missed from their intimate friends and family. Sympathy sells, like tragedy does. And that's TV.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Horror Stories
Sitting with my dog this afternoon in the vets' waiting room, I glanced over to a TV talk show that I couldn't resist overhearing. Some guy named Greg was interviewing a couple who had a Disaster Wedding!
It turns out from my viewpoint not a disaster wedding at all, but a set of circumstances that occurred around the wedding day that had an emotional effect different from the ordinary fairy tale joy we've come to (naively) expect. The bride's grandfather died the week before the wedding. The groom's grandmother died the Monday before the wedding. And the groom's mother had a minor stroke the day before the wedding, went into the emergency room, was admitted and missed the wedding day.
Well, I wouldn't call this a string of good luck, but it is the rhythm of life, the lineup of unpredictable events in how our stories fall together, and not exactly on our own timeline.
In fact, when a wedding is scheduled, all the guests are there to bring their own joy and support to the couple. What could be better than a joining of two hearts in a lasting bond to create a new entity, a new family group? Death and illness are always with us, and sometimes the best laid plans cannot work the way we wanted. The talk show emphasized the down side of this wedding. I guess it just doesn't sell on TV to herald the positive and joyous side of celebrating life and love, even in the midst of loss.
It turns out from my viewpoint not a disaster wedding at all, but a set of circumstances that occurred around the wedding day that had an emotional effect different from the ordinary fairy tale joy we've come to (naively) expect. The bride's grandfather died the week before the wedding. The groom's grandmother died the Monday before the wedding. And the groom's mother had a minor stroke the day before the wedding, went into the emergency room, was admitted and missed the wedding day.
Well, I wouldn't call this a string of good luck, but it is the rhythm of life, the lineup of unpredictable events in how our stories fall together, and not exactly on our own timeline.
In fact, when a wedding is scheduled, all the guests are there to bring their own joy and support to the couple. What could be better than a joining of two hearts in a lasting bond to create a new entity, a new family group? Death and illness are always with us, and sometimes the best laid plans cannot work the way we wanted. The talk show emphasized the down side of this wedding. I guess it just doesn't sell on TV to herald the positive and joyous side of celebrating life and love, even in the midst of loss.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Till Death Do Us Part
A few days ago, I was having an argument with my twenty-something son: he claimed that 50 % of marriages now end in divorce and that that's a recent (post 2000) phenomenon.
I said no; the divorce rate is declining. So we went online and found out I was right. In fact as of year ending 2005, 38% of marriages end in divorce.
That's encouraging, but why is it getting better? Maybe (I can only speculate) it has something to do with so many couples today living together longer and only getting married after knowing each others' habits, idiosyncracies, character defects fairly thoroughly. And maybe it's closer to something that was not so common in my own youth.
When I was growing up, we developed same sex friendships and we dated the opposite sex, but we never had a gang of friends from both sexes. Today people in their teens and early twenties have very close friends they get to know emotionally, but not necessarily sexually, and these friendships teach them valuable lessons in human nature, and in gender differences, setting the stage for a wider tolerance of each others' crimes and misdemeanors.
This tolerance is the issue I wrote about yesterday. If same sex marriage will be so much more tolerated twenty years from now, maybe opposite sex marriage will be as well. Long live marriage!
I said no; the divorce rate is declining. So we went online and found out I was right. In fact as of year ending 2005, 38% of marriages end in divorce.
That's encouraging, but why is it getting better? Maybe (I can only speculate) it has something to do with so many couples today living together longer and only getting married after knowing each others' habits, idiosyncracies, character defects fairly thoroughly. And maybe it's closer to something that was not so common in my own youth.
When I was growing up, we developed same sex friendships and we dated the opposite sex, but we never had a gang of friends from both sexes. Today people in their teens and early twenties have very close friends they get to know emotionally, but not necessarily sexually, and these friendships teach them valuable lessons in human nature, and in gender differences, setting the stage for a wider tolerance of each others' crimes and misdemeanors.
This tolerance is the issue I wrote about yesterday. If same sex marriage will be so much more tolerated twenty years from now, maybe opposite sex marriage will be as well. Long live marriage!
Friday, August 10, 2007
The Right To Marry
Last night the Democrats held another debate, this time hosted by the Gay and Lesbian constituency. Only two candidates (and the most minor ones --Kucinich and Gravel---) would go on record in support of actual MARRIAGE! Civil unions are the half-steps that wedge themselves into the genreral public's acceptance (and barely).
As a college teacher I know that this issue will be completely off the radar in twenty years (that does seem like an eternity to some). Last semester, I took 38 freshmen through a comp 101 course at Northeastern and throughout the four months our focus was on race and gender. The last assignment was on any contemporary issue of injustice or inequality, based on parallels to MLKing's passionate and brilliant "Letter From Birmingham Jail."
As far as I could tell, most of the students were straight (one young man was "out"). But twenty per cent of the entire 38 wrote papers on injustice and sexual orientation. This generation doesn't have the baggage of their parents. Once this generation of 19 year olds reaches close to forty-something and has a voice in the political cacophony, no political candidate will have to pander to the fear vote.
Massachuetts won't be alone out there forever.
As a college teacher I know that this issue will be completely off the radar in twenty years (that does seem like an eternity to some). Last semester, I took 38 freshmen through a comp 101 course at Northeastern and throughout the four months our focus was on race and gender. The last assignment was on any contemporary issue of injustice or inequality, based on parallels to MLKing's passionate and brilliant "Letter From Birmingham Jail."
As far as I could tell, most of the students were straight (one young man was "out"). But twenty per cent of the entire 38 wrote papers on injustice and sexual orientation. This generation doesn't have the baggage of their parents. Once this generation of 19 year olds reaches close to forty-something and has a voice in the political cacophony, no political candidate will have to pander to the fear vote.
Massachuetts won't be alone out there forever.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Too Busy to be a Nervous Bride
Sometimes it happens. Some brides, especially those in the academic world, avoid getting overly caught up in their own wedding planning. This requires an immense trust of significant others (often mothers of the bride) to take care of details other brides with a bit more time on their hands would attend to.
No decent time management expert would recommend letting important details go completely into the hands of others, but some women have nerves of steel. One thing I have learned this summer: it's not for lack of caring.
There's a wonderful young woman who goes to graduate school in Massachusetts and lives in New York City and will be married in the Berkshire Mountains of Massachusetts in a little over two weeks. She has a New York City wedding planner, yours truly as her officiant, and a mother-in-law to be in the Berkshires. Bingo! The latter is the key to peace of mind.
This young woman has had a grueling summer schedule. She has had an internship working from 8 AM to midnight daily. But now the dust is clearing: she will be finishing her job this Friday and completely free for the next two weeks. Her mother in law to be and the rest of her "team" are up and ready to pull all the rest together.
What I hear from this exhausted bride is gratitude and anticipation. Remember: if you have a great team and trust everyone on it, you can have nerves of steel yourself.
No decent time management expert would recommend letting important details go completely into the hands of others, but some women have nerves of steel. One thing I have learned this summer: it's not for lack of caring.
There's a wonderful young woman who goes to graduate school in Massachusetts and lives in New York City and will be married in the Berkshire Mountains of Massachusetts in a little over two weeks. She has a New York City wedding planner, yours truly as her officiant, and a mother-in-law to be in the Berkshires. Bingo! The latter is the key to peace of mind.
This young woman has had a grueling summer schedule. She has had an internship working from 8 AM to midnight daily. But now the dust is clearing: she will be finishing her job this Friday and completely free for the next two weeks. Her mother in law to be and the rest of her "team" are up and ready to pull all the rest together.
What I hear from this exhausted bride is gratitude and anticipation. Remember: if you have a great team and trust everyone on it, you can have nerves of steel yourself.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
The Mean Mother-in-Law
OK. I mentioned this a few days ago, so here it is.
Last summer (2006) I agreed to officiate a park wedding for a sweet young couple living in a nearby suburb of Boston. She was an all-American girl with Scandinavian Protestant roots from the Mid-west. He was an all-American boy from the far West, except his roots were Catholic and Asian.
He said he was unsure if his family could make it to the wedding, since they were coming in from Hawaii (their home). He had many friends from his Ivy League undergraduate and graduate schools coming, so his "side" would be well-represented, even without his immediate family.
On the day of the wedding, his family did indeed show up. But during the very small, intimate ceremony, his mother crossed her arms, frowned, and focused both her eyes and her body deliberately away from the bride and groom and the vows and blessings as they unfolded. The ceremony was held openly, with all attending facing one another in a circle, so her body language was visible to all, including the bride and groom.
After the ceremony, the bride's mother told me that this was not religious antipathy from the groom's mother, but racial intolerance. Her ethnically Hawaiian son was mixing the races and she was making her "statement". The couple held up just fine, but the guests ( as well as I ) were perplexed.
Warning: Clear the negative issues of a difficult relative (certainly a parent). Keep her (him) away. Toxicity is a private matter, unforgivable at a public celebration. Weddings are not political platforms. They are first and foremost a celebration of love and hope. It's your special day: don't let anyone THINK of spoiling it.
Last summer (2006) I agreed to officiate a park wedding for a sweet young couple living in a nearby suburb of Boston. She was an all-American girl with Scandinavian Protestant roots from the Mid-west. He was an all-American boy from the far West, except his roots were Catholic and Asian.
He said he was unsure if his family could make it to the wedding, since they were coming in from Hawaii (their home). He had many friends from his Ivy League undergraduate and graduate schools coming, so his "side" would be well-represented, even without his immediate family.
On the day of the wedding, his family did indeed show up. But during the very small, intimate ceremony, his mother crossed her arms, frowned, and focused both her eyes and her body deliberately away from the bride and groom and the vows and blessings as they unfolded. The ceremony was held openly, with all attending facing one another in a circle, so her body language was visible to all, including the bride and groom.
After the ceremony, the bride's mother told me that this was not religious antipathy from the groom's mother, but racial intolerance. Her ethnically Hawaiian son was mixing the races and she was making her "statement". The couple held up just fine, but the guests ( as well as I ) were perplexed.
Warning: Clear the negative issues of a difficult relative (certainly a parent). Keep her (him) away. Toxicity is a private matter, unforgivable at a public celebration. Weddings are not political platforms. They are first and foremost a celebration of love and hope. It's your special day: don't let anyone THINK of spoiling it.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Keeping it Short
I have not yet met a single couple who wanted more than twenty minutes devoted to their ceremony. Does this mean--"get it over and done with so we can get to the fun party we've planned afterwards"? Not at all.
I admit, the couples who seek a nondenominatinal service are opting to go outside the mainstream of their childhood religious practices. Sitting through the Catholic Mass or other religious traditions lingers in their memory as an interminably boring hour.
So how much uplifting language and ritual can you pack into twenty minutes? Plenty. I have officiated weddings, which on paper run sixteen to eighteen pages, but in fact run no more than 25 minutes, including a long processional and a flower girl who crawls down the aisle and cries before being whisked away.
Beautiful words and memorable gestures do not take much time. A Celebrant wedding (my esteemed training) even includes your love story and still runs no more than twenty minutes.
So, think twenty and that's plenty.
I admit, the couples who seek a nondenominatinal service are opting to go outside the mainstream of their childhood religious practices. Sitting through the Catholic Mass or other religious traditions lingers in their memory as an interminably boring hour.
So how much uplifting language and ritual can you pack into twenty minutes? Plenty. I have officiated weddings, which on paper run sixteen to eighteen pages, but in fact run no more than 25 minutes, including a long processional and a flower girl who crawls down the aisle and cries before being whisked away.
Beautiful words and memorable gestures do not take much time. A Celebrant wedding (my esteemed training) even includes your love story and still runs no more than twenty minutes.
So, think twenty and that's plenty.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Feeling Out of Control
In my work as an Officiant, I interact with couples months before the ceremony (interviewing them and they me). We don't meet up again until around two weeks before the wedding date and usually by email or phone.
Somewhere around this two week period, things start to fall into place and sometimes they start to fall apart. Fortunately, nothing in my direct experience has fallen so far apart to warrant a sad tale of a wedding break up.
But here's the news: your nerves will go into hyper-alert around this time. Small simple items will look more threatening than they are (the custom made wedding ring won't be ready until two days before the wedding; your future mother-in-law has a hissy fit over her son's choice of tux). Many annoying and potential worrying little nigglers happen.
Tip: don't sweat the small stuff, and these are no-brainer items. If the ring isn't there you will still be married (you can borrow your mother's ring for the ceremony). And your mother-in-law, unless she's a complete fool, will give up her fits because she wants to shine on your wedding day as much as you want her to.
I have a mean mother-in-law story, an unusual one, but I'll save it for another day. Bottom line: call your sanest friend, the one who laughs at everything and usually makes you angry for such a detached attitude. You need her now!
Somewhere around this two week period, things start to fall into place and sometimes they start to fall apart. Fortunately, nothing in my direct experience has fallen so far apart to warrant a sad tale of a wedding break up.
But here's the news: your nerves will go into hyper-alert around this time. Small simple items will look more threatening than they are (the custom made wedding ring won't be ready until two days before the wedding; your future mother-in-law has a hissy fit over her son's choice of tux). Many annoying and potential worrying little nigglers happen.
Tip: don't sweat the small stuff, and these are no-brainer items. If the ring isn't there you will still be married (you can borrow your mother's ring for the ceremony). And your mother-in-law, unless she's a complete fool, will give up her fits because she wants to shine on your wedding day as much as you want her to.
I have a mean mother-in-law story, an unusual one, but I'll save it for another day. Bottom line: call your sanest friend, the one who laughs at everything and usually makes you angry for such a detached attitude. You need her now!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Flow and the TFM
Your wedding ceremony is a performance. It is a styled, orchestrated and choreographed 20 minute performance that will produce lasting memories, some of which will be captured on video, but certainly in still photography.
This is why a good, well-organized wedding rehearsal is so important. In my work as an officiant, I make it my job to get everyone's name down and particularly to note which of the wedding party is most reliable to pick up any loose ends. This is often the maid of honor or a mother. But just to break stereotype, it can be the groom's best friend, the former roommate, all of 28 who has the skills to run the US Mint.
In the Celebrant's world, we call this person the TFM (trusted family member). The TFM has a cell phone that's always on, from midnight the night before the wedding and all day long up to the minute before it all starts. This TFM has 360 degree radar and knows where every somebody and every nobody is related to this wedding. This person is completely "can-do", wears every hat, takes charge without equivocating, and could get a lost spaceship back to earth if called upon. The TFM is the Steven Speilberg of the final wedding production.
Planning a wedding? Who is your TFM? He or she is your lifeline to relax when the last minute stuff starts to spin.
This is why a good, well-organized wedding rehearsal is so important. In my work as an officiant, I make it my job to get everyone's name down and particularly to note which of the wedding party is most reliable to pick up any loose ends. This is often the maid of honor or a mother. But just to break stereotype, it can be the groom's best friend, the former roommate, all of 28 who has the skills to run the US Mint.
In the Celebrant's world, we call this person the TFM (trusted family member). The TFM has a cell phone that's always on, from midnight the night before the wedding and all day long up to the minute before it all starts. This TFM has 360 degree radar and knows where every somebody and every nobody is related to this wedding. This person is completely "can-do", wears every hat, takes charge without equivocating, and could get a lost spaceship back to earth if called upon. The TFM is the Steven Speilberg of the final wedding production.
Planning a wedding? Who is your TFM? He or she is your lifeline to relax when the last minute stuff starts to spin.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Wedding music
No question, wedding music is a must. But most important is to remember to keep it simple.
Suggested live forums: violin, harp, flute. This also works just fine with CDs.
Not suggested: opera singers at varying points in the ceremony. I officiated a wedding last year that had an exquisite singer featured. On paper this sounded like a good idea, but in fact this was an unusually warm September morning and the guests were outdoors, facing directly into the sun. The wedding party, including me, were in the gazebo and comfortably in the shade.
The singing was not short and sweet, and not in a rhythm that blended with the flow of the wedding readings and vows. Each peace was sung in toto, a "feature" worthy of pause. However, this threw attention over to the singer and away from the couple. And the guests were baking (and sweating) in the direct sun. Of course, everyone praised the singer, but why were we there? The problem was not this artist's skills or sensibilities; he is a gifted musician. Had the couple asked the singer for thirty seconds, rather than three and a half minutes, it would have complimented the "flow". Flow is essential to a successful ceremony, especially in the outdoors where you can't control the weather.
I have lots more to say about this, but we'll leave it here for now. Most people can't afford or don't even know a gifted opera singer, but even CD music can be overdone. More later.
Suggested live forums: violin, harp, flute. This also works just fine with CDs.
Not suggested: opera singers at varying points in the ceremony. I officiated a wedding last year that had an exquisite singer featured. On paper this sounded like a good idea, but in fact this was an unusually warm September morning and the guests were outdoors, facing directly into the sun. The wedding party, including me, were in the gazebo and comfortably in the shade.
The singing was not short and sweet, and not in a rhythm that blended with the flow of the wedding readings and vows. Each peace was sung in toto, a "feature" worthy of pause. However, this threw attention over to the singer and away from the couple. And the guests were baking (and sweating) in the direct sun. Of course, everyone praised the singer, but why were we there? The problem was not this artist's skills or sensibilities; he is a gifted musician. Had the couple asked the singer for thirty seconds, rather than three and a half minutes, it would have complimented the "flow". Flow is essential to a successful ceremony, especially in the outdoors where you can't control the weather.
I have lots more to say about this, but we'll leave it here for now. Most people can't afford or don't even know a gifted opera singer, but even CD music can be overdone. More later.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Winter Wedding
I recently interviewed with a bride whose wedding is February 1. Brave or crazy? We live in the cold and snowy Northeast--this wedding is in western Massachusetts.
Aside for whatever reasons this date works well for the couple themselves, what advantage does a winter wedding have for everyone else involved?
One: it's much less expensive to book a destination wedding in the off-season. You save on your wedding investment and your guests get the best rates possible (unless your destination is Florida or the Caribbean). Two: winter in the Northeast is a low period for most of us---we start to feel the SAD symptoms---seasonal affective disorder--- around the first of February. Weddings are a huge mood lift, a way to connect to love and friendship and forget about the need to bundle up and close down on life.Third: your anniversary will always be the exceptional offbeat date and won't interfere with all the other lifelong celebrations you'll engage in forever--mother's and father's days, graduations and all the other summer and fall holidays.
Am I just putting a positive spin on winter? Perhaps, but there are advantages. You won't be disappointed if the sun isn't shining, as you won't be outside in the rain or even under a tent. A cozy room, a fire crackling---that's not such a bad idea!
Aside for whatever reasons this date works well for the couple themselves, what advantage does a winter wedding have for everyone else involved?
One: it's much less expensive to book a destination wedding in the off-season. You save on your wedding investment and your guests get the best rates possible (unless your destination is Florida or the Caribbean). Two: winter in the Northeast is a low period for most of us---we start to feel the SAD symptoms---seasonal affective disorder--- around the first of February. Weddings are a huge mood lift, a way to connect to love and friendship and forget about the need to bundle up and close down on life.Third: your anniversary will always be the exceptional offbeat date and won't interfere with all the other lifelong celebrations you'll engage in forever--mother's and father's days, graduations and all the other summer and fall holidays.
Am I just putting a positive spin on winter? Perhaps, but there are advantages. You won't be disappointed if the sun isn't shining, as you won't be outside in the rain or even under a tent. A cozy room, a fire crackling---that's not such a bad idea!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Including children in your ceremony
Children are such a wonderful part of our lives. Young children (under five) are cute and sometimes add a delightful flavor to the wedding party.
However, some children are too young. I recently officiated a wedding ceremony where an 18 month old was expected to walk down the "aisle" ( a simple one in a large living room). The poor child started crying, then wailing, as the distraught mother froze and let another guest take the child in her lap. When the bride and groom entered, the baby kept screaming, so we stopped the proceedings long enough for the mother and the child to exit the room.
This was not a disaster, as this was a sweet and simple small ceremony (second marriage for the bride); however, it was traumatic for the child and, as it turned out, for the mother. Size didn't matter: humiliation can happen with only one other witness.
Advice: hold back from the urge to include children under the age of four. Six years old is a good age, but cuteness can begin to fade by then. If you must have a young child, send the Mother or Dad down the aisle holding the child's hand. Two children, preferably siblings, are also better than one. They offset each others' attack of nerves.
And then after you're married with children, you'll understand this all perfectly.
However, some children are too young. I recently officiated a wedding ceremony where an 18 month old was expected to walk down the "aisle" ( a simple one in a large living room). The poor child started crying, then wailing, as the distraught mother froze and let another guest take the child in her lap. When the bride and groom entered, the baby kept screaming, so we stopped the proceedings long enough for the mother and the child to exit the room.
This was not a disaster, as this was a sweet and simple small ceremony (second marriage for the bride); however, it was traumatic for the child and, as it turned out, for the mother. Size didn't matter: humiliation can happen with only one other witness.
Advice: hold back from the urge to include children under the age of four. Six years old is a good age, but cuteness can begin to fade by then. If you must have a young child, send the Mother or Dad down the aisle holding the child's hand. Two children, preferably siblings, are also better than one. They offset each others' attack of nerves.
And then after you're married with children, you'll understand this all perfectly.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wedding Shoes
The one thing I most have in common with brides is that I wear very feminine sleek shoes when I perform a ceremony. AND the one thing I purchased recently, which has been a lifesaver, are flat, white ballet shoes. I had the good fortune recently to conduct a wedding just 2 miles from my home, and while the wedding party was posing for pictures, I ran home and changed shoes.
Now I bring these little flat sweet comfortable shoes everywhere I do a wedding. I know a few brides who struggle through an entire evening in their high heels. HINT: get the ballet shoes at Marshall's for as little as $20! It's a good investment and you may even wear them again.
Happy dancing.
Now I bring these little flat sweet comfortable shoes everywhere I do a wedding. I know a few brides who struggle through an entire evening in their high heels. HINT: get the ballet shoes at Marshall's for as little as $20! It's a good investment and you may even wear them again.
Happy dancing.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Bridezilla
There's lots of buzz on the proverbial bridezilla culture, with several dozens of books selling well on the subject.
What does bridezilla mean? It's something like this: a hyper-nervous, frantically demanding, perfectionist female planning and executing the details of her upcoming wedding, without good sense. Bridezilla will stop at nothing to have the PERFECT wedding day.
Is it fair to label an otherwise well-meaning woman thus? It's something like an alcoholic: not everyone who drinks too much is a drop dead boor and not every bride who occasionally goes over the top is a bridezilla, one with the dramatic characterisitics that would label her after the wedding as just another b-tchin' control freak.
My advice: if you want the perfect wedding, delegate to others---let them do the friend of bridezilla legwork. Avoid the label for yourself and become the CEO of your own special day. And, if you freak out over any detail, stop and apologize, back up and chill out. No wedding is perfect, but every wedding has its own exquisite meaning. Let yourself have it flow, no matter what happens.
What does bridezilla mean? It's something like this: a hyper-nervous, frantically demanding, perfectionist female planning and executing the details of her upcoming wedding, without good sense. Bridezilla will stop at nothing to have the PERFECT wedding day.
Is it fair to label an otherwise well-meaning woman thus? It's something like an alcoholic: not everyone who drinks too much is a drop dead boor and not every bride who occasionally goes over the top is a bridezilla, one with the dramatic characterisitics that would label her after the wedding as just another b-tchin' control freak.
My advice: if you want the perfect wedding, delegate to others---let them do the friend of bridezilla legwork. Avoid the label for yourself and become the CEO of your own special day. And, if you freak out over any detail, stop and apologize, back up and chill out. No wedding is perfect, but every wedding has its own exquisite meaning. Let yourself have it flow, no matter what happens.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Late July and the livin is easy
Believe it or not, there are more fall weddings on my schedue than even summer. The Northeast has better outdoor weather in the early fall, so most officiants have weddings booked for both weekend days through September and October.
That said, this summer has been very good for outdoor ceremonies. Today, July 22 in New Hampshire, is a perfect summer day and for all you wedding couples out there in the Northeast, you're blessed if you're doing your ceremony outdoors on this weekend.
My one tiny drop of advice (a repeat from a few posts ago, but it bears repeating) is to do your ceremony with a portable wireless microphone. Sound disappears outdoors and your guests deserve (and desire) to hear your words. If you're shy about this, at least your Officiant will be heard and the glorious vows and other blessings will reach appreciative ears.
Bye for now.
That said, this summer has been very good for outdoor ceremonies. Today, July 22 in New Hampshire, is a perfect summer day and for all you wedding couples out there in the Northeast, you're blessed if you're doing your ceremony outdoors on this weekend.
My one tiny drop of advice (a repeat from a few posts ago, but it bears repeating) is to do your ceremony with a portable wireless microphone. Sound disappears outdoors and your guests deserve (and desire) to hear your words. If you're shy about this, at least your Officiant will be heard and the glorious vows and other blessings will reach appreciative ears.
Bye for now.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Why Do We Marry?
I've spoken with couples who tell me they're perfectly happy just living together, but after a few years they wanted to marry. Now, you conclude, I assume, they wanted to have children. No! Why people marry is complex and I have little time here to fully explore the topic. But I'll say this much: we marry to puncutate the sentence; we marry to illuminate the picture; we marry to send the message that this is real.
We marry to make an intimate trust a public decree and let the world know we are committed. We marry because institutional signature matters, and this is why the legal authority for same sex couples to marry in Massachusetts matters. Whatever our sexual orientation, we marry because the power of two, recognized fully in the community, is a foundation of strength to ourselves and to others.
We never marry merely because we love another; we marry because our love has power. And the power of love moves mountains.
We marry to make an intimate trust a public decree and let the world know we are committed. We marry because institutional signature matters, and this is why the legal authority for same sex couples to marry in Massachusetts matters. Whatever our sexual orientation, we marry because the power of two, recognized fully in the community, is a foundation of strength to ourselves and to others.
We never marry merely because we love another; we marry because our love has power. And the power of love moves mountains.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Don't Cry Over Spilled Rain
So many summer weddings are planned for the outdoors (September and October in the Northeast are big outdoor targets as well). No one does the outdoors without a sensible contingency, but I've worked with several brides who let the rain "get them down".
My advice: visualize a spectacular kind of intimacy by having your ceremony indoors, so that the aesthetic of outdoors doesn't become the absolute of your vision. Think this will disappoint you if it's a sunny day? No way! Everybody loves and welcomes the sun, but having to deal with any shred of disappointment on your special day is a burden you don't need to carry.
Bottom line: your inner peace manifests more beauty and serenity than any makeover will ever provide. Have it both ways in your mind and then let yourself enjoy your own day, no matter what mother nature does.
My advice: visualize a spectacular kind of intimacy by having your ceremony indoors, so that the aesthetic of outdoors doesn't become the absolute of your vision. Think this will disappoint you if it's a sunny day? No way! Everybody loves and welcomes the sun, but having to deal with any shred of disappointment on your special day is a burden you don't need to carry.
Bottom line: your inner peace manifests more beauty and serenity than any makeover will ever provide. Have it both ways in your mind and then let yourself enjoy your own day, no matter what mother nature does.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Love Stories
Those of you who make it to the altar this year should have something to tell that may not have been heard before, even among your closest friends.
Part of my service for couples is to write their love story into the ceremony. What may surprise you is how many happy about- to- be newlyweds have met online. Some of the best love stories I hear start with match.com, eHarmony (or any one of dozens of good sites) and proceed to long emails, endless phone calls, quiet first dates and perfect matches.
Do you have a good love story to tell? Send it to me via ellyjackson@bostonceremonies.com. I'd love to hear from you and post it here.
Part of my service for couples is to write their love story into the ceremony. What may surprise you is how many happy about- to- be newlyweds have met online. Some of the best love stories I hear start with match.com, eHarmony (or any one of dozens of good sites) and proceed to long emails, endless phone calls, quiet first dates and perfect matches.
Do you have a good love story to tell? Send it to me via ellyjackson@bostonceremonies.com. I'd love to hear from you and post it here.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Small Weddings
Why do a small wedding? Isn't it better to just save all that money? Even small, very low budget weddings (under 50 guests)can run you well over $10,000.
Most couples tell me that they spent the money (or had the parents spend it) to create memories, to have a special "marker" of one day that will never be repeated.
I see it this way: once you choose to do it, you are committed. There are cost overrruns, like last minute extra flower/extra hors d'oeuvres decisions that suddenly add another $500 to your budget. But it all fades quickly as you let go the closer you get to the big day.
If you want to keep it low budget, start by listing your priorities. If you (the bride) know how beautiful you are, even in a vintage dress under $300, save yourself the added expense of a designer gown that you'll never wear again. I have more tips, but I'll post them as we go. Let me know your cost-cutting ideas.
Most couples tell me that they spent the money (or had the parents spend it) to create memories, to have a special "marker" of one day that will never be repeated.
I see it this way: once you choose to do it, you are committed. There are cost overrruns, like last minute extra flower/extra hors d'oeuvres decisions that suddenly add another $500 to your budget. But it all fades quickly as you let go the closer you get to the big day.
If you want to keep it low budget, start by listing your priorities. If you (the bride) know how beautiful you are, even in a vintage dress under $300, save yourself the added expense of a designer gown that you'll never wear again. I have more tips, but I'll post them as we go. Let me know your cost-cutting ideas.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Great Photography
I just visited Craig Molway's website and is he GOOD! He photographed Kim and Rob's wedding in Cape Cod on April 28th (one of my favorite weddings this year) and the pictures will knock you out. I highly recommend him. He gets informal, unposed shots worthy of the finest showcases.
Weddings are meant to be intimate, even the big ones!
I have a wedding coming up in Rhode Island in early September, with 300 guests invited. My bride- to- be told me she wants an intimate feeling, but isn't sure how we'll pull this off.
Well, it can be done. To create intimacy the first thing we'll do is position Christine and Eric to face outward towards their guests, rather than face me (their officiant) with their backs facing their 300 loved ones.
Then we will have the entire ceremony "miked": This takes the words and nuances of the ceremony and allows everyone to hear, a remarkable concept that brings tears and laughter to every wedding.
This is a snippet of advice on intimacy, no matter the size of your wedding. Stay tuned. I'll have more when I meet with Christine and Eric again.
Well, it can be done. To create intimacy the first thing we'll do is position Christine and Eric to face outward towards their guests, rather than face me (their officiant) with their backs facing their 300 loved ones.
Then we will have the entire ceremony "miked": This takes the words and nuances of the ceremony and allows everyone to hear, a remarkable concept that brings tears and laughter to every wedding.
This is a snippet of advice on intimacy, no matter the size of your wedding. Stay tuned. I'll have more when I meet with Christine and Eric again.
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