At the risk of sounding like a harpy, here goes another chance to bring about an inner calm. It's so delicious and so necessary for a successful wedding, it bears repeating.
There are two kinds of time--clock time, which brings a degree of order to our universe, and psychological time, which brings for the most part a degree of chaos to the same universe. Here I am addressing the latter.
As a woman, I have spent a number of years worrying. ( I qualify this by gender because men seem to worry less, or maybe they express their needs more quickly). I have concluded that worry is a useless preoccupation; it affects nothing and no one in any positive way. Nagging, on the other hand, affects everyone, including the nagger. Some women nag internally and some externally, but either way it diminishes well-being and achieves no peaceful effect.
Sometimes, in the wake of knowing something will not happen with or without our worry or nagging, we have to let go. Letting go is more important than eating ourselves alive with anxiety. I worked with a bride several years ago who was deeply anxious that her outdoor wedding was going to be moved indoors (threat of rain and temperatures way too cool for the original plan). Once the decision was made, she spent the wedding day letting go. By 6 PM when the ceremony started, she was the most radiantly beautiful bride I had ever seen. Even her photographs showed a genuine peace, a glow I had not seen in the weeks leading up to the wedding.
Beauty comes from within first. It's visible. Feeling good and looking good go hand in hand. Psychological time is within our control. Seize the opportunity.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Unity Candle
This is a lovely addition to a ceremony, meant to include the family (often the two mothers) as well as the bride and groom.
For outdoor weddings, it's tricky. Suggestions:
1. Use a hurricane glass covering for the large center candle
2. Don't light the tapers until immediately before lighting the larger candle
3. Use tiny votive candles already lit to light the tapers and blow them out after the tapers are lit
4. Blow out the tapers after the center candle is lit.
5. Use tiny box matches and PRACTICE at the rehearsal.
In short, let all candles burn as briefly as possible, even indoors. Whether in or out doors there are breezes, air conditoning, whatever, which will affect the way the candles burn and they can be a big distraction.
For outdoor weddings, it's tricky. Suggestions:
1. Use a hurricane glass covering for the large center candle
2. Don't light the tapers until immediately before lighting the larger candle
3. Use tiny votive candles already lit to light the tapers and blow them out after the tapers are lit
4. Blow out the tapers after the center candle is lit.
5. Use tiny box matches and PRACTICE at the rehearsal.
In short, let all candles burn as briefly as possible, even indoors. Whether in or out doors there are breezes, air conditoning, whatever, which will affect the way the candles burn and they can be a big distraction.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Being there
Being there for your own wedding is the greatest gift to give yourself, your beloved, and your family and friends.
The best way to be there "then" is to be here "now". The practice of being present, of being still, of breathing and centering can be done repeatedly, consciously, in the days leading up to the BIG ONE so that when the pressure and excitement of the actual wedding day arrives, your body and soul remember the pattern of stillness and peace you have already set in motion.
There are no amounts of flowers, wedding attire or other accoutrements that can substitute for a couple who are present for their own wedding. Right before I walked down the aisle for my own outdoor wedding thirty years ago, my poor mother, who suffered from chronic depression, started talking to me about a friend who had died earlier that year. Death and loss was furthest from my mind, but here it was right before my wonderful moment before the ceremony. I had to let that go, forgive my mother, and focus on the present.
Your own distractions may be simpler, but they will be there, nonetheless. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, whatever the nagging thought or emotion, it's not personal. It's the wind of distraction and you can let it pass.
The best way to be there "then" is to be here "now". The practice of being present, of being still, of breathing and centering can be done repeatedly, consciously, in the days leading up to the BIG ONE so that when the pressure and excitement of the actual wedding day arrives, your body and soul remember the pattern of stillness and peace you have already set in motion.
There are no amounts of flowers, wedding attire or other accoutrements that can substitute for a couple who are present for their own wedding. Right before I walked down the aisle for my own outdoor wedding thirty years ago, my poor mother, who suffered from chronic depression, started talking to me about a friend who had died earlier that year. Death and loss was furthest from my mind, but here it was right before my wonderful moment before the ceremony. I had to let that go, forgive my mother, and focus on the present.
Your own distractions may be simpler, but they will be there, nonetheless. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, whatever the nagging thought or emotion, it's not personal. It's the wind of distraction and you can let it pass.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Poetry
Having readers for your ceremony is an enhancement to your vows. Good poetry is universal and there are some good nontraditional poems out there that are worth noting.
Check out "The Irrational Season" (excerpts) by Madeleine L'Engle and "love" by Roy Croft. They are both beautifully written, and I have not heard either of them until this week. The L'Engle piece is an essay, not poetry, but leaves a penetrating message.
Of course, your readers should be comfortable with their assignments. I officiated a ceremony in mid-August where the readers had practiced a lot and it showed. Every moment counts in a ceremony; every moment has the opportunity for spirit to open up and hearts to become more whole. Good poetry can do this for you and for your guests.
Check out "The Irrational Season" (excerpts) by Madeleine L'Engle and "love" by Roy Croft. They are both beautifully written, and I have not heard either of them until this week. The L'Engle piece is an essay, not poetry, but leaves a penetrating message.
Of course, your readers should be comfortable with their assignments. I officiated a ceremony in mid-August where the readers had practiced a lot and it showed. Every moment counts in a ceremony; every moment has the opportunity for spirit to open up and hearts to become more whole. Good poetry can do this for you and for your guests.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Don't Mention God
I meet many couples who ask that I don't mention God in their ceremony. Often what they really mean is "don't saturate the ceremony language with references to God".
I find that plenty of young couples (20s to 30s) describe themselves as spiritual, but not religious. Since I am a nondenominational minister, it makes sense that these are the people who seek my services. But often, they find that the mention of God is not what they wish to avoid; it's simply the reminder that they left formal religion behind and don't wish to be hypocritical.
I believe that one's spiritual life is deeply personal and that we don't need to parade it as a possession. That said, the vows of fidelity, loyalty, and permanence to one other person is an awesome promise. To remind ourselves and our wedding guests that we take these words seriously, we are wise to infuse them with spirit. This could be enhanced with the mention of God, or simply with including the feeling of a presence larger than our own tiny preoccupations that allows us to step into such a devotional relationship with another. Either way, vows are somemn promises.
I find that plenty of young couples (20s to 30s) describe themselves as spiritual, but not religious. Since I am a nondenominational minister, it makes sense that these are the people who seek my services. But often, they find that the mention of God is not what they wish to avoid; it's simply the reminder that they left formal religion behind and don't wish to be hypocritical.
I believe that one's spiritual life is deeply personal and that we don't need to parade it as a possession. That said, the vows of fidelity, loyalty, and permanence to one other person is an awesome promise. To remind ourselves and our wedding guests that we take these words seriously, we are wise to infuse them with spirit. This could be enhanced with the mention of God, or simply with including the feeling of a presence larger than our own tiny preoccupations that allows us to step into such a devotional relationship with another. Either way, vows are somemn promises.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Being Present for Your Ceremony
If there's one single thing I recall most vividly from my own wedding (other than a downpour at the end of the ceremony), it's having fought so very hard to be "present", to be conscious of where I was and what I was doing.
I hear this from brides and grooms---they say right before the ceremony that they're fine, but in fact, they're nervous. Since this is a performance of sorts, an opening and closing all wrapped up in one short event, it's normal to feel jittery. In twenty minutes you go from single to married; it's offical and permanent (well, you know...it's supposed to be).
My advice is to check in to your body. Make a scan from toes to ears and feel the energy inside and don't label it. It's energy, not nerves! Nervousness implies inadequacy; energy is neutral. It's good to feel it rather than fight it. You can turn that "nervous" energy into aliveness, the best ingredient for a successful ceremony.Try it.
I hear this from brides and grooms---they say right before the ceremony that they're fine, but in fact, they're nervous. Since this is a performance of sorts, an opening and closing all wrapped up in one short event, it's normal to feel jittery. In twenty minutes you go from single to married; it's offical and permanent (well, you know...it's supposed to be).
My advice is to check in to your body. Make a scan from toes to ears and feel the energy inside and don't label it. It's energy, not nerves! Nervousness implies inadequacy; energy is neutral. It's good to feel it rather than fight it. You can turn that "nervous" energy into aliveness, the best ingredient for a successful ceremony.Try it.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Children in Ceremonies
I take it back. I now believe that four is the cut-off date. Last Friday I officiated a ceremony with two well-behaved and poised four year olds. One of them balked at the rehearsal, but the day of the ceremony, he was a dream. Still, it's wise to have two youngsters come down the "aisle" together. For young children, there's safety in numbers.
What floored me was the reading delivery of a ten year old girl. She read the Irish Blessing with a mike and close to the beginning of the ceremony. I have rarely seen such presence. The adult readers were also very good (they had all rehearsed), but the preteen's delivery was unusual.
It comes down to this: if you have readers, make sure they rehearse on their own and probably at the big rehearsal. It pays to take the time for this. Most of my ceremony rehearsals, the readers do not attend. They're not in the wedding party and they come prepared on their own. But getting the readers to the big rehearsal is wise. I saw it work last week.
What floored me was the reading delivery of a ten year old girl. She read the Irish Blessing with a mike and close to the beginning of the ceremony. I have rarely seen such presence. The adult readers were also very good (they had all rehearsed), but the preteen's delivery was unusual.
It comes down to this: if you have readers, make sure they rehearse on their own and probably at the big rehearsal. It pays to take the time for this. Most of my ceremony rehearsals, the readers do not attend. They're not in the wedding party and they come prepared on their own. But getting the readers to the big rehearsal is wise. I saw it work last week.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Spontaneous Ceremony
I got a call today from a bride planning a wedding next summer. She asked if I had experience doing spontaneous ceremonies. I admitted I didn't, thinking she was referring to the weddings that are sometimes pulled as surprises to the guests. What this young woman wanted was something else. She doesn't want to walk down an aisle and she will have no attendants, so she's looking for a gathering around herself and her groom for the ceremony to begin. This is what she calls spontaneous. This kind of spontaneity I have done.
But the other kind would be a hoot. There are stories of couples who invite a number of friends to a New Year's party and instead of counting down to midnight for the usual festivities, they get married at midnight and the assembled party goers are in fact wedding guests.
Do you have any spontaneous stories? Email me at eq2@att.net. I'll post them here.
But the other kind would be a hoot. There are stories of couples who invite a number of friends to a New Year's party and instead of counting down to midnight for the usual festivities, they get married at midnight and the assembled party goers are in fact wedding guests.
Do you have any spontaneous stories? Email me at eq2@att.net. I'll post them here.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
The Morning After
Well, yesterday I spoke of let down for couples. Today it's let down for officiants. I'm pooped. It was a lovely event, full of joy and tender emotion, but a long two and a quarter hour drive to the venue and by the time dinner was over I was spent.
This is like a Broadway show for all those who invest in the flow, the precision, the best possible outcome for all the hard work. Wedding professionals have let down as well. I sometimes forget how part of my professional fee includes unwavering devotion to the event, the watchfulness over details not under my list of responsibility. Mostly this entails very little, as there are loving family members tuned in to make sure no one gets run over in the traffic. But nonetheless, the vigilance is there and when it's over, there's relief.
So, I'm taking a break, going fishing for a few days in Maine. Back on Tuesday, (21st).
This is like a Broadway show for all those who invest in the flow, the precision, the best possible outcome for all the hard work. Wedding professionals have let down as well. I sometimes forget how part of my professional fee includes unwavering devotion to the event, the watchfulness over details not under my list of responsibility. Mostly this entails very little, as there are loving family members tuned in to make sure no one gets run over in the traffic. But nonetheless, the vigilance is there and when it's over, there's relief.
So, I'm taking a break, going fishing for a few days in Maine. Back on Tuesday, (21st).
Friday, August 17, 2007
Let Down
No question about it, the days after the wedding, or certainly the days after returning from a honeymoon, if it follows immediately, are a big let down. Most couples I know rush right back into a hectic job and find a degree of distraction that seems to help.
But there is a residual downer. The weeks leading up to the wedding are filled with details; if we never learned multi-tasking before, we learn it now. There is a "high"---some cynics call it hype-- to this flurry of excitement, and weddings take on a life of their own. It's like preparing for opening night on Broadway. The show went smoothly, the reviews came in with praise and the cast party was a blast.
And now what! Well, you're married and you may not realize that's what this was about. Best advice: expect the let down and let it be. It will pass. In two weeks or three, when the photos are ready, all the memories will flood back; in fact, you may see you had more fun that you remembered the morning after.
Weddings are events and events have let downs. But those downs will let up.
But there is a residual downer. The weeks leading up to the wedding are filled with details; if we never learned multi-tasking before, we learn it now. There is a "high"---some cynics call it hype-- to this flurry of excitement, and weddings take on a life of their own. It's like preparing for opening night on Broadway. The show went smoothly, the reviews came in with praise and the cast party was a blast.
And now what! Well, you're married and you may not realize that's what this was about. Best advice: expect the let down and let it be. It will pass. In two weeks or three, when the photos are ready, all the memories will flood back; in fact, you may see you had more fun that you remembered the morning after.
Weddings are events and events have let downs. But those downs will let up.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Wedding Rehearsals
Wedding rehearsals are a vitally important preamble to the actual ceremony, but are often not taken seriously enough. I believe this is part of the nervousness of the bridal party. Act like the party has already begun and you'll have a more relaxed attitude.
This is a mistake. A party attitude at the reheasral sets up inattention (not to mention a waste of everyone's time), and that same laid back informality shows up the next day or evening as missed cues, rushed processional entrances, and awkward pauses.
If you're getting close to your rehearsal date, make sure you have a firm grip on getting everyone exactly on the same page at the same time. As a Celebrant, I run the rehearsal and call the shots, allowing the couple to breathe easy as I will wield all the authority required. Wedding planners and catering managers in fine hotels also do this job and the good ones take no prisoners.
And everyone goes through the rehearsal twice. Children should always rehearse, as they are the most likely to veer off into crying land just when you need them to bring the ring to the altar. If you don't have a trusted professional to run the rehearsal, ask your anal-retentive Auntie, the one who always asked you if you were doing well enough in school. You'll thank her after your ceremony.
This is a mistake. A party attitude at the reheasral sets up inattention (not to mention a waste of everyone's time), and that same laid back informality shows up the next day or evening as missed cues, rushed processional entrances, and awkward pauses.
If you're getting close to your rehearsal date, make sure you have a firm grip on getting everyone exactly on the same page at the same time. As a Celebrant, I run the rehearsal and call the shots, allowing the couple to breathe easy as I will wield all the authority required. Wedding planners and catering managers in fine hotels also do this job and the good ones take no prisoners.
And everyone goes through the rehearsal twice. Children should always rehearse, as they are the most likely to veer off into crying land just when you need them to bring the ring to the altar. If you don't have a trusted professional to run the rehearsal, ask your anal-retentive Auntie, the one who always asked you if you were doing well enough in school. You'll thank her after your ceremony.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
A Cake Walk
Back to the strange and intriguing TV show. The host said something like: "if you can survive the wedding; you can survive your marriage". Would that a lifetime with one person were as simple and problem free as most weddings.
Certainly the couple who suffered two deaths and a serious illness of three very close relatives in one week have been through a tremendous suffering together, but that wedding story is an exception, very far from the rule.
I met up with one of my wedding couples last weekend and there were still details to decide, including discussions of different ways between them of looking at a few aspects of the ceremony. But they knew how to compromise, to consider both sides and each "gave in" on a variety of small items that allowed the final game plan to start to fall into place. The is the rule, NOT the exception.
If you're on your way to a wedding ( a marriage) and you want to know what your marriage will be like, just look at couples you admire (maybe your own parents; maybe not). How do they work things out? Ask them what were the toughest things they had to face with each other over the long years and what did they do? The wedding itself is a cakewalk compared to a marriage.
Once again, TV oversimplifies.
Certainly the couple who suffered two deaths and a serious illness of three very close relatives in one week have been through a tremendous suffering together, but that wedding story is an exception, very far from the rule.
I met up with one of my wedding couples last weekend and there were still details to decide, including discussions of different ways between them of looking at a few aspects of the ceremony. But they knew how to compromise, to consider both sides and each "gave in" on a variety of small items that allowed the final game plan to start to fall into place. The is the rule, NOT the exception.
If you're on your way to a wedding ( a marriage) and you want to know what your marriage will be like, just look at couples you admire (maybe your own parents; maybe not). How do they work things out? Ask them what were the toughest things they had to face with each other over the long years and what did they do? The wedding itself is a cakewalk compared to a marriage.
Once again, TV oversimplifies.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Worry
Yesterday's post -Horror Stories-requires some more observation. What was the couple looking for in coming on the show to tell this story? The bride said she was a detail oriented control freak and that her wedding plans were absolutely perfect till the first death happened, followed by the string of other sad circumstances. Of course, the tragedies didn't negate her skills at wedding planning. In fact, as I recall, none of her actual plans went awry. The ceremony happened on schedule. The flowers were there, the dress, the rings, the reception and music and all the other thousand details fell into place.
However, the purpose of this segment of the show was ambiguous. The couple got plenty of sympathy from the audience (who wouldn't sympathize?). The mother of the groom survived her stroke and sat with the couple crying about missing the wedding, and the groom hugged his mother because her being alive was more important than the wedding day being perfect.
I want to know: were the deaths and illnesses not supposed to happen? Of course, no one "wants" those things to happen, but we're not G*d. When bad things happen before good events, we fold them into our lives; we fold them into the ceremony if we want. Or if the events are too devastating (and they can be), we bite the bullet and postpone. What is more tragic than a cousin crashing his light plane and disappearing into the ocean with his wife and sister-in-law on his way to your wedding? (JFK, Jr, July 18, 1999). The cousin postponed.
Life includes birth and death. Weddings are celebrations. This couple was either exploited, or felt they would get some sympathy they missed from their intimate friends and family. Sympathy sells, like tragedy does. And that's TV.
However, the purpose of this segment of the show was ambiguous. The couple got plenty of sympathy from the audience (who wouldn't sympathize?). The mother of the groom survived her stroke and sat with the couple crying about missing the wedding, and the groom hugged his mother because her being alive was more important than the wedding day being perfect.
I want to know: were the deaths and illnesses not supposed to happen? Of course, no one "wants" those things to happen, but we're not G*d. When bad things happen before good events, we fold them into our lives; we fold them into the ceremony if we want. Or if the events are too devastating (and they can be), we bite the bullet and postpone. What is more tragic than a cousin crashing his light plane and disappearing into the ocean with his wife and sister-in-law on his way to your wedding? (JFK, Jr, July 18, 1999). The cousin postponed.
Life includes birth and death. Weddings are celebrations. This couple was either exploited, or felt they would get some sympathy they missed from their intimate friends and family. Sympathy sells, like tragedy does. And that's TV.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Horror Stories
Sitting with my dog this afternoon in the vets' waiting room, I glanced over to a TV talk show that I couldn't resist overhearing. Some guy named Greg was interviewing a couple who had a Disaster Wedding!
It turns out from my viewpoint not a disaster wedding at all, but a set of circumstances that occurred around the wedding day that had an emotional effect different from the ordinary fairy tale joy we've come to (naively) expect. The bride's grandfather died the week before the wedding. The groom's grandmother died the Monday before the wedding. And the groom's mother had a minor stroke the day before the wedding, went into the emergency room, was admitted and missed the wedding day.
Well, I wouldn't call this a string of good luck, but it is the rhythm of life, the lineup of unpredictable events in how our stories fall together, and not exactly on our own timeline.
In fact, when a wedding is scheduled, all the guests are there to bring their own joy and support to the couple. What could be better than a joining of two hearts in a lasting bond to create a new entity, a new family group? Death and illness are always with us, and sometimes the best laid plans cannot work the way we wanted. The talk show emphasized the down side of this wedding. I guess it just doesn't sell on TV to herald the positive and joyous side of celebrating life and love, even in the midst of loss.
It turns out from my viewpoint not a disaster wedding at all, but a set of circumstances that occurred around the wedding day that had an emotional effect different from the ordinary fairy tale joy we've come to (naively) expect. The bride's grandfather died the week before the wedding. The groom's grandmother died the Monday before the wedding. And the groom's mother had a minor stroke the day before the wedding, went into the emergency room, was admitted and missed the wedding day.
Well, I wouldn't call this a string of good luck, but it is the rhythm of life, the lineup of unpredictable events in how our stories fall together, and not exactly on our own timeline.
In fact, when a wedding is scheduled, all the guests are there to bring their own joy and support to the couple. What could be better than a joining of two hearts in a lasting bond to create a new entity, a new family group? Death and illness are always with us, and sometimes the best laid plans cannot work the way we wanted. The talk show emphasized the down side of this wedding. I guess it just doesn't sell on TV to herald the positive and joyous side of celebrating life and love, even in the midst of loss.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Till Death Do Us Part
A few days ago, I was having an argument with my twenty-something son: he claimed that 50 % of marriages now end in divorce and that that's a recent (post 2000) phenomenon.
I said no; the divorce rate is declining. So we went online and found out I was right. In fact as of year ending 2005, 38% of marriages end in divorce.
That's encouraging, but why is it getting better? Maybe (I can only speculate) it has something to do with so many couples today living together longer and only getting married after knowing each others' habits, idiosyncracies, character defects fairly thoroughly. And maybe it's closer to something that was not so common in my own youth.
When I was growing up, we developed same sex friendships and we dated the opposite sex, but we never had a gang of friends from both sexes. Today people in their teens and early twenties have very close friends they get to know emotionally, but not necessarily sexually, and these friendships teach them valuable lessons in human nature, and in gender differences, setting the stage for a wider tolerance of each others' crimes and misdemeanors.
This tolerance is the issue I wrote about yesterday. If same sex marriage will be so much more tolerated twenty years from now, maybe opposite sex marriage will be as well. Long live marriage!
I said no; the divorce rate is declining. So we went online and found out I was right. In fact as of year ending 2005, 38% of marriages end in divorce.
That's encouraging, but why is it getting better? Maybe (I can only speculate) it has something to do with so many couples today living together longer and only getting married after knowing each others' habits, idiosyncracies, character defects fairly thoroughly. And maybe it's closer to something that was not so common in my own youth.
When I was growing up, we developed same sex friendships and we dated the opposite sex, but we never had a gang of friends from both sexes. Today people in their teens and early twenties have very close friends they get to know emotionally, but not necessarily sexually, and these friendships teach them valuable lessons in human nature, and in gender differences, setting the stage for a wider tolerance of each others' crimes and misdemeanors.
This tolerance is the issue I wrote about yesterday. If same sex marriage will be so much more tolerated twenty years from now, maybe opposite sex marriage will be as well. Long live marriage!
Friday, August 10, 2007
The Right To Marry
Last night the Democrats held another debate, this time hosted by the Gay and Lesbian constituency. Only two candidates (and the most minor ones --Kucinich and Gravel---) would go on record in support of actual MARRIAGE! Civil unions are the half-steps that wedge themselves into the genreral public's acceptance (and barely).
As a college teacher I know that this issue will be completely off the radar in twenty years (that does seem like an eternity to some). Last semester, I took 38 freshmen through a comp 101 course at Northeastern and throughout the four months our focus was on race and gender. The last assignment was on any contemporary issue of injustice or inequality, based on parallels to MLKing's passionate and brilliant "Letter From Birmingham Jail."
As far as I could tell, most of the students were straight (one young man was "out"). But twenty per cent of the entire 38 wrote papers on injustice and sexual orientation. This generation doesn't have the baggage of their parents. Once this generation of 19 year olds reaches close to forty-something and has a voice in the political cacophony, no political candidate will have to pander to the fear vote.
Massachuetts won't be alone out there forever.
As a college teacher I know that this issue will be completely off the radar in twenty years (that does seem like an eternity to some). Last semester, I took 38 freshmen through a comp 101 course at Northeastern and throughout the four months our focus was on race and gender. The last assignment was on any contemporary issue of injustice or inequality, based on parallels to MLKing's passionate and brilliant "Letter From Birmingham Jail."
As far as I could tell, most of the students were straight (one young man was "out"). But twenty per cent of the entire 38 wrote papers on injustice and sexual orientation. This generation doesn't have the baggage of their parents. Once this generation of 19 year olds reaches close to forty-something and has a voice in the political cacophony, no political candidate will have to pander to the fear vote.
Massachuetts won't be alone out there forever.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Too Busy to be a Nervous Bride
Sometimes it happens. Some brides, especially those in the academic world, avoid getting overly caught up in their own wedding planning. This requires an immense trust of significant others (often mothers of the bride) to take care of details other brides with a bit more time on their hands would attend to.
No decent time management expert would recommend letting important details go completely into the hands of others, but some women have nerves of steel. One thing I have learned this summer: it's not for lack of caring.
There's a wonderful young woman who goes to graduate school in Massachusetts and lives in New York City and will be married in the Berkshire Mountains of Massachusetts in a little over two weeks. She has a New York City wedding planner, yours truly as her officiant, and a mother-in-law to be in the Berkshires. Bingo! The latter is the key to peace of mind.
This young woman has had a grueling summer schedule. She has had an internship working from 8 AM to midnight daily. But now the dust is clearing: she will be finishing her job this Friday and completely free for the next two weeks. Her mother in law to be and the rest of her "team" are up and ready to pull all the rest together.
What I hear from this exhausted bride is gratitude and anticipation. Remember: if you have a great team and trust everyone on it, you can have nerves of steel yourself.
No decent time management expert would recommend letting important details go completely into the hands of others, but some women have nerves of steel. One thing I have learned this summer: it's not for lack of caring.
There's a wonderful young woman who goes to graduate school in Massachusetts and lives in New York City and will be married in the Berkshire Mountains of Massachusetts in a little over two weeks. She has a New York City wedding planner, yours truly as her officiant, and a mother-in-law to be in the Berkshires. Bingo! The latter is the key to peace of mind.
This young woman has had a grueling summer schedule. She has had an internship working from 8 AM to midnight daily. But now the dust is clearing: she will be finishing her job this Friday and completely free for the next two weeks. Her mother in law to be and the rest of her "team" are up and ready to pull all the rest together.
What I hear from this exhausted bride is gratitude and anticipation. Remember: if you have a great team and trust everyone on it, you can have nerves of steel yourself.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
The Mean Mother-in-Law
OK. I mentioned this a few days ago, so here it is.
Last summer (2006) I agreed to officiate a park wedding for a sweet young couple living in a nearby suburb of Boston. She was an all-American girl with Scandinavian Protestant roots from the Mid-west. He was an all-American boy from the far West, except his roots were Catholic and Asian.
He said he was unsure if his family could make it to the wedding, since they were coming in from Hawaii (their home). He had many friends from his Ivy League undergraduate and graduate schools coming, so his "side" would be well-represented, even without his immediate family.
On the day of the wedding, his family did indeed show up. But during the very small, intimate ceremony, his mother crossed her arms, frowned, and focused both her eyes and her body deliberately away from the bride and groom and the vows and blessings as they unfolded. The ceremony was held openly, with all attending facing one another in a circle, so her body language was visible to all, including the bride and groom.
After the ceremony, the bride's mother told me that this was not religious antipathy from the groom's mother, but racial intolerance. Her ethnically Hawaiian son was mixing the races and she was making her "statement". The couple held up just fine, but the guests ( as well as I ) were perplexed.
Warning: Clear the negative issues of a difficult relative (certainly a parent). Keep her (him) away. Toxicity is a private matter, unforgivable at a public celebration. Weddings are not political platforms. They are first and foremost a celebration of love and hope. It's your special day: don't let anyone THINK of spoiling it.
Last summer (2006) I agreed to officiate a park wedding for a sweet young couple living in a nearby suburb of Boston. She was an all-American girl with Scandinavian Protestant roots from the Mid-west. He was an all-American boy from the far West, except his roots were Catholic and Asian.
He said he was unsure if his family could make it to the wedding, since they were coming in from Hawaii (their home). He had many friends from his Ivy League undergraduate and graduate schools coming, so his "side" would be well-represented, even without his immediate family.
On the day of the wedding, his family did indeed show up. But during the very small, intimate ceremony, his mother crossed her arms, frowned, and focused both her eyes and her body deliberately away from the bride and groom and the vows and blessings as they unfolded. The ceremony was held openly, with all attending facing one another in a circle, so her body language was visible to all, including the bride and groom.
After the ceremony, the bride's mother told me that this was not religious antipathy from the groom's mother, but racial intolerance. Her ethnically Hawaiian son was mixing the races and she was making her "statement". The couple held up just fine, but the guests ( as well as I ) were perplexed.
Warning: Clear the negative issues of a difficult relative (certainly a parent). Keep her (him) away. Toxicity is a private matter, unforgivable at a public celebration. Weddings are not political platforms. They are first and foremost a celebration of love and hope. It's your special day: don't let anyone THINK of spoiling it.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Keeping it Short
I have not yet met a single couple who wanted more than twenty minutes devoted to their ceremony. Does this mean--"get it over and done with so we can get to the fun party we've planned afterwards"? Not at all.
I admit, the couples who seek a nondenominatinal service are opting to go outside the mainstream of their childhood religious practices. Sitting through the Catholic Mass or other religious traditions lingers in their memory as an interminably boring hour.
So how much uplifting language and ritual can you pack into twenty minutes? Plenty. I have officiated weddings, which on paper run sixteen to eighteen pages, but in fact run no more than 25 minutes, including a long processional and a flower girl who crawls down the aisle and cries before being whisked away.
Beautiful words and memorable gestures do not take much time. A Celebrant wedding (my esteemed training) even includes your love story and still runs no more than twenty minutes.
So, think twenty and that's plenty.
I admit, the couples who seek a nondenominatinal service are opting to go outside the mainstream of their childhood religious practices. Sitting through the Catholic Mass or other religious traditions lingers in their memory as an interminably boring hour.
So how much uplifting language and ritual can you pack into twenty minutes? Plenty. I have officiated weddings, which on paper run sixteen to eighteen pages, but in fact run no more than 25 minutes, including a long processional and a flower girl who crawls down the aisle and cries before being whisked away.
Beautiful words and memorable gestures do not take much time. A Celebrant wedding (my esteemed training) even includes your love story and still runs no more than twenty minutes.
So, think twenty and that's plenty.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Feeling Out of Control
In my work as an Officiant, I interact with couples months before the ceremony (interviewing them and they me). We don't meet up again until around two weeks before the wedding date and usually by email or phone.
Somewhere around this two week period, things start to fall into place and sometimes they start to fall apart. Fortunately, nothing in my direct experience has fallen so far apart to warrant a sad tale of a wedding break up.
But here's the news: your nerves will go into hyper-alert around this time. Small simple items will look more threatening than they are (the custom made wedding ring won't be ready until two days before the wedding; your future mother-in-law has a hissy fit over her son's choice of tux). Many annoying and potential worrying little nigglers happen.
Tip: don't sweat the small stuff, and these are no-brainer items. If the ring isn't there you will still be married (you can borrow your mother's ring for the ceremony). And your mother-in-law, unless she's a complete fool, will give up her fits because she wants to shine on your wedding day as much as you want her to.
I have a mean mother-in-law story, an unusual one, but I'll save it for another day. Bottom line: call your sanest friend, the one who laughs at everything and usually makes you angry for such a detached attitude. You need her now!
Somewhere around this two week period, things start to fall into place and sometimes they start to fall apart. Fortunately, nothing in my direct experience has fallen so far apart to warrant a sad tale of a wedding break up.
But here's the news: your nerves will go into hyper-alert around this time. Small simple items will look more threatening than they are (the custom made wedding ring won't be ready until two days before the wedding; your future mother-in-law has a hissy fit over her son's choice of tux). Many annoying and potential worrying little nigglers happen.
Tip: don't sweat the small stuff, and these are no-brainer items. If the ring isn't there you will still be married (you can borrow your mother's ring for the ceremony). And your mother-in-law, unless she's a complete fool, will give up her fits because she wants to shine on your wedding day as much as you want her to.
I have a mean mother-in-law story, an unusual one, but I'll save it for another day. Bottom line: call your sanest friend, the one who laughs at everything and usually makes you angry for such a detached attitude. You need her now!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Flow and the TFM
Your wedding ceremony is a performance. It is a styled, orchestrated and choreographed 20 minute performance that will produce lasting memories, some of which will be captured on video, but certainly in still photography.
This is why a good, well-organized wedding rehearsal is so important. In my work as an officiant, I make it my job to get everyone's name down and particularly to note which of the wedding party is most reliable to pick up any loose ends. This is often the maid of honor or a mother. But just to break stereotype, it can be the groom's best friend, the former roommate, all of 28 who has the skills to run the US Mint.
In the Celebrant's world, we call this person the TFM (trusted family member). The TFM has a cell phone that's always on, from midnight the night before the wedding and all day long up to the minute before it all starts. This TFM has 360 degree radar and knows where every somebody and every nobody is related to this wedding. This person is completely "can-do", wears every hat, takes charge without equivocating, and could get a lost spaceship back to earth if called upon. The TFM is the Steven Speilberg of the final wedding production.
Planning a wedding? Who is your TFM? He or she is your lifeline to relax when the last minute stuff starts to spin.
This is why a good, well-organized wedding rehearsal is so important. In my work as an officiant, I make it my job to get everyone's name down and particularly to note which of the wedding party is most reliable to pick up any loose ends. This is often the maid of honor or a mother. But just to break stereotype, it can be the groom's best friend, the former roommate, all of 28 who has the skills to run the US Mint.
In the Celebrant's world, we call this person the TFM (trusted family member). The TFM has a cell phone that's always on, from midnight the night before the wedding and all day long up to the minute before it all starts. This TFM has 360 degree radar and knows where every somebody and every nobody is related to this wedding. This person is completely "can-do", wears every hat, takes charge without equivocating, and could get a lost spaceship back to earth if called upon. The TFM is the Steven Speilberg of the final wedding production.
Planning a wedding? Who is your TFM? He or she is your lifeline to relax when the last minute stuff starts to spin.
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