Long marriages

OK, this post is not about your wedding, but about your marriage.

I've been married a long time (over thirty years), and I have a few things to say.

One: there's no formula for a "good" marriage. Some of us hold hands in our twenties and do less and less of it after the kids come along and life gets hectic. It does not mean love has walked out the window, UNLESS it is the clear indicator of the tip of the iceberg.

Two: there will be trials, maybe way more than we ever imagined. Trials are supposed to happen, though we over-romanticize how perfect our beloved other should be. It's not that you will have trials; it's how you learn to meet them together.

Three: your roles could easily reverse. We all assume roles in a family---we have to in order to organize the flow and meaning of our lives. BUT you are not your role and one way to achieve personal growth is to walk fully in your partners' shoes. Role switching is discomforting at first, but take away the fear/doubt factor (not so easy, mind you), and it can be done. Some Iraq spouses have learned this and many are much stronger for having stretched themselves so far and with such loneliness.

Four: no one is perfect, especially not your spouse, and he or she will not complete (or make better) your inadequate childhood. As much as I want to be more assertive like my husband, I have deeply embedded restraints and can't hide them behind his lack of inhibition.

Five: it takes a village to raise a child and it sometimes takes a network of good friends (and perhaps a very good therapist) to remind you that marriage is a partnership requiring communication: talk, talk, talk. No, I didn't say complain; I said talk.

So, there's just a few thoughts for the day. Don't be afraid. We all only live a day at a time, anyway. I don't know how I made it this far, except by trial and error. But therein lies the point: allow the trials and appreciate the errors. They are the opportunities for a strong foundation, which you and I are building every day of a marriage.